Renfield’s New Image

November 29, 2015 at 8:23 pm (Commentary, Culture, Vampire novel) (Amadeus Emanon, Miss Claresholm, Renfield R. Renfield, Sherrielock Holmes, The British Oatmeal Company, vampire novel)

Renfield’s New Image

“What are you smiling about?” Amadeus asked Renfield.

“A woman from an oatmeal cereal company is coming by to visit me,” Renfield grinned, “they may use me as their poster boy for ads and TV commercials promoting a wholesome family friendly image to sell their oatmeal cereal products.”

Amadeus choked on the 3-foot deli submarine sandwich he was eating, “You’re about as wholesome and family friendly as that obscene porno version of The Cat In The Hat I watched on The Family Channel on satellite TV from North America last night- the one I had to switch to another channel after watching 5 minutes of it.”

“I’m afraid the Americans are light years ahead of the British in acknowledging the depths of human depravity that they feel young minds are capable of absorbing,” Renfield explained, “this fact was explained in an interview right after that news documentary I watched that was trying to explain why America’s prisons and psychiatric hospitals seem to be bursting at the seams. They never were able to find an answer to that question. One of the experts who appeared in that documentary later appeared on the interview show that was on afterwards where he talked about how Elm Street’s Freddy Krueger was in fact a healthy role model for young children.”

“And so now you’ll do for British youth what Freddy Krueger did for American,” Amadeus was starting to lose his appetite which was a rare thing.

“Hey I can be as wholesome and family friendly as Beatrix Potter or the author of The Wind and The Willows,” Renfield harrumphed.

Renfield was perturbed by the fact Amadeus was lying on the rug overcome by a huge fit of laughter the likes of which he had never seen before.

“When Miss Claresholm from the British Oatmeal Co. gets here, tell her I’ll be in the study,” Renfield went upstairs to the study and closed the door.

He went on to his computer.

Renfield owned a small porno film company in Southern California and was working on a promotional trailer for one of the new films being produced.

Renfield turned on the camera and spoke into the computer,

“Star Dick… orgy date 3233.4321 … I’m Captain James E. Quirk. These are the voyages of the Starship Perverterprise… its 5 year mission… to explore strange new positions… to seek out new forms of sexual deviation… to boldly go where no man has gone before…”

Renfield heard a loud feminine gasp behind him.

He turned and standing there was the British Oatmeal Company’s Miss Claresholm alongside Amadeus.

“Amadeus,” Renfield raged, “don’t you ever knock before entering a room?”.

Miss Claresholm turned and ran down the stairs.

“Wait Miss Claresholm,” Renfield ran down the stairs, “I can be wholesome and genuinely family friendly. Would you like to hear my impersonation of Linus reciting Chapter 2 of The Gospel of Luke from A Charlie Brown Christmas?”.

Renfield tripped and fell down the stairs knocking himself out in the process.

In his unconscious dream, a short leather skirted and black silk nylons and red spiked stiletto Sherrielock Holmes gave him a well- deserved spanking.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday November 10th
2015.