Renfield Crashes Vladimir Putin’s Inauguration

May 7, 2018 at 10:57 pm (Avatar Speaks, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Science, Science-Fiction, Technology, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Renfield Crashes Vladimir Putin’s Inauguration

Today Monday May 7th 2018.

Vladimir Putin is inaugurated President of Russia for the 4th time.

The ceremony is held in an ornate Kremlin hall in front of 5000 guests.

It was the same hall used for the coronations of Czars Alexander II, Alexander III and Nicholas II.

Putin walked alone through several hallways and several rooms to the swearing-in ceremony.

He was hailed by the guests as the omnipotent Saint George ready to slay the Western dragon 🐉.

After being sworn in, Putin then gave the Inaugural Address to those assembled.

It was at that moment that British MP Renfield R. Renfield appeared carrying a machine gun.

Observers from the FSB (Russia’s state security intelligence service) recognized the weapon as one that had been given to Mr. Renfield by Oliver North the newly appointed President of the NRA (National Rifle Association).

Mr. North had bought the weapon from a Walmart store when he went in dressed as Napoleon Bonaparte but wearing an Adolf Hitler moustache under his nose.

Ollie (as Ronald Reagan used to call him) was not asked to produce any ID when he purchased the weapon while singing the song, “I want to mow down and kill hundreds of people today.”

FSB agents immediately started firing their guns at Renfield but he kept on going.

Even stranger no blood flowed from the MP.

The agents looked at one another terrified.

Mr. Renfield pulled a giant Bavarian sausage out of his vest jacket (he was wearing a sharp looking Armani suit) and hit former German Chancellor Gerhard Schröder (a staunch Putin supporter and current head of a branch of Russian gas giant Gazprom) over the head with it.

The sausage seemed to go right through Mr. Schröder causing him a great amount of pain.

“Bumsun it all to Hell!” Herr Schröder shouted in a mixture of German and English.

Renfield then pointed his gun at Putin and fired the trigger.

The Russian leader ducked.

The mysterious bullets left laser marks on the podium.

Finally FSB agents tackled Renfield and he vanished into thin air.

“It’s a bloody hologram,” Putin shouted as he got up off the floor, “who the Hell is manipulating that?”.

Putin was right.

It was a hologram invented by Set Enterprises’ Dr. Cadbury Rocher in a technological race with French government scientists to invent the perfect holographic image.

Dr. Rocher won the contest because he developed a holographic image of Renfield R. Renfield whereas French government scientists only invented a holographic image of French President Emmanuel Macron.

DARPA scientists in the U.S. decided not to take part in the race to develop the perfect holographic image as the Oval Office Executive Order directive from above directed them to make a holographic image of Donald Trump dressed only in leopard skin briefs and even the killer robot designing mad scientists at DARPA had yet to descend into that level of evil and madness.

Again Putin’s voice echoed through the Kremlin hall, “It’s a bloody hologram and I want to know who is manipulating it?”.

In his lobster tank at London’s Set Enterprises laboratory, Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was using one claw to operate the joystick of the Cadbury Rocher designed waterproof PlayStation that controlled the Renfield holographic image in Moscow and with his other claw he was using it to play the harmonica in a beautiful musical rendition of Henry Mancini’s Moon River.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday May 7th
2018.

20 Comments

  1. David Redpath said,

    Chris, I was in attendance at
    Vladimir Putin’s Inauguration,
    standing in for the Free Crimea Project ( supported by the Canadian Fund for Local
    Initiatives ).Being seated in the
    annex of the Kremlin Hall, I was
    quite safe when the Renfield
    hologram hit the fan. Along
    with the other annexed territories,
    some Arab Sheiks, and various
    South American ambassadors.
    Hardly interrupted the Venezuelan contingent from
    stuffing caviar and lobster tartar
    ( coincidence?) down their trousers.
    One did reminisce about Ollie, Ronnie, and the Sandinistas.
    Anyway, I distinctly heard
    Herr Shröder exclaim, “Bumsen it all to hell”.
    Just for the record, Chris

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Glad that there was a witness there to all those amazing events as the fiasco was carefully edited out on Russian television giving the impression that Putin’s inauguration went off without a hitch.

      The North American news media barely mentioned it at all it was so busy covering Rihanna as the first female Pope since the days of medieval Pope Joan at the Met Gala 2018 covering the theme Fasion and the Catholic Imagination.

      The Canadian Fund For Local Initiatives – one of our drama teacher Prime Minister’s favourite government programs spending hundreds of millions of dollars in taxpayers’ money for such Canadian local initiaves as Boko Haram’s Desperately Seeking Young Wives For Muslim Jihadists over in Nigeria.

      The Free Crimea Project sounds like a more worthy local cause as Ukrainian pyrogies have made a valuable contribution to local cuisine in the Canadian prairie provinces.

      I hope the Venezuelan contingent remembers to take home some lobster tartar.

      God knows they won’t find any in the store shelves of Venezuela (along with anything else for that matter).

      Thanks for your valuable eyewitness testimony, David.

      Now Michelangelo won”t feel so alone when he plays with his joystick and plays his harmonica for Simon Cowell on Britain’s Got Talent.

  2. David Redpath said,

    No problemo, Chris
    (Pope Joan, my personal favourite.
    The only Pope to give birth,
    whilst in office. Well, she was
    out of the office, sitting on a horse 🐎.)

  3. ortensia said,

    😱

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      What is it that’s terrified you beyond all capacity, Ortensia? 😱

      The thought of a hologram of Donald Trump wearing leopard skin briefs? 🤣

      • ortensia said,

        Just when I had managed to remove that image from my head…..now you seeded it back😱and it will hunt my dreams and probably kill my libido for the next few weeks🤦🏼‍♀️

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I guess you’ll have to break the news to your traveling husband that he better continue traveling the next few weeks.

      • ortensia said,

        Lol or I might try to work very hard to erase the image🤣😎

      • ortensia said,

        I won’t let Trump win😉

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Good for you. 👌

        Don’t let Trump win. 🤣

      • ortensia said,

        Never💃🏻👯‍♀️👯‍♂️😂

  4. doesitevenmatter3 said,

    OH, no! Yikes! Scary! 😮

    (But, also…)
    HA, yes! Wild! Crazy! 😀

    BTW: I’d like to see Renfield try to contain his giant Bavarian sausage in a pair of leopard skin underpants!!! 😉 😀

    HUGS!!! 🙂
    (my fingers accidentally typed JIGS, so I had to change it. But go ahead and do a jig if you are so inclined! 😛 )

  5. iScriblr said,

    Wild! Crazy! 😀

  6. Apple Rae said,

    Haha 😆 hilarious as always. MichaelAngelo the Psychic Lobster is a new character, aint he? Or i just wasn’t able to read about him since I came to discover your blog later? Lol anywho, i like the idea of holograms. I wish we could do that in real life soon! Perhaps five years from now eh?

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster has been a character in my series of vampire novels since 2011. 🙂

      Inspired by the real life figure of Paul the Psychic Octopus 🐙 who lived in a zoo aquarium in Germany 🇩🇪 and correctly predicted Spain’s 🇪🇸 victory in the 2010 FIFA World Cup held in South Africa 🇿🇦.

      Yes, we’ll probably have real lifelike holograms sometime in the next 5 years, Apple. 🙂

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