Lepardia Marango and Dracul Van Helsing Enjoy An Evening of Bach and Vivaldi

April 4, 2019 at 10:35 pm (Arts, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Music, Romance, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Lepardia Marango: South African Cultural Attache and Dracul Van Helsing’s date for an evening of Bach and Vivaldi

Canadian vampire hunter Dracil Van Helsing had been given a pair of tickets to this evening’s London Philharmonic Concert entitled An Evening of Bach and Vivaldi.

MP Renfield R. Renfield had originally purchased the tickets for himself and his parliamentary colleague MP Morgana Fay Lee but they both had been invited to a dinner with British Prime Minister Theresa May tonight to discuss the new May-Corbyn Plan for Brexit (of which The Economist magazine had been given a sneak peak and had sent its editor into a state of orgasm).

Dracul Van Helsing decided to ask as his date for this evening Lepardia Marango who was the Cultural Attache at the South African Embassy in London:

Dracul Van Helsing picked her up in a 1939 Rolls-Royce Phantom III that had for its chauffeur Athelstan the butler and valet to the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

They enjoyed a steak and seafood dinner at the Savoy Hotel and then went to the concert.

As the orchestra was warming up, Lepardia and Dracul discussed the concert as they looked at the program sheets.

“I see the Kraken who calls himself Napoleon VI is going to be singing Bach’s Jesu Joy of Man’s Desiring in the guest singer song recital with the orchestra tonight,” Dracul noted.

“Isn’t he a French politician?” Lepardia asked.

“Yes, he heads the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party and he won last place in a field of a dozen candidates in the last French Presidential election. Although he and his wife Medusa did win seats in the National Assembly for the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party,” Dracul answered.

“His wife Medusa?” Lepardia queried, “She’s the ex-Gorgon?”.

“That’s right,” Dracul nodded, “Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s robot barber Edward Scissorhands II gave her a haircut and removed all her snakes. I believe they were sent over to Ireland along with some dandruff remover on a Saint Patrick’s Day a while back. Medusa is now a beautiful woman again.”

“Didn’t he crown himself Emperor of France a few years back?” Lepardia inquired in relation to the Kraken.

“He did,” Van Helsing replied in the affirmative, “The only one who recognized the coronation was Pope Francis who did so in the hopes of providing greater inter-species cooperation on the planet.”

Lepardia and Dracul listened in rapture as all of Vivaldi’s Four Seasons were played.

They went out at intermission and enjoyed a glass of champagne.

An acquaintance of Miss Marango informed the duo that the dinner meeting with Theresa May had apparently and abruptly ended when Renfield had poured spaghetti and meatballs over the head of Baron Rothschild in a heated argument.

The pair then went into the auditorium for the 2nd half of the concert.

The final performance of the evening was the Kraken singing Jesu Joy of Man’s Desiring.

The Kraken came out looking resplendent in a multi-armed and multi-legged tuxedo with aquamarine coloured bow tie.

He bowed to the audience’s applause and then proceeded to sing Bach’s Jesu Joy of Man’s Desiring.

Half-way into his recital, the Papal Nuncio to London Msgr. Eltonjohnus Oscarwildeus stood up in the audience and accused the Kraken of proselytism by singing a song with such lyrics.

Msgr. Eltonjohnus Oscarwildeus pointed out that Pope Francis had just declared proselytism a mortal sin on a recent visit to Morocco and the Kraken shouldn’t be doing such things.

The Kraken’s wife Medusa stood up in the audience and defended her husband pointing out that the Kraken was in fact a Scientologist as a result of a weekend seminar workshop he had attended with Tom Cruise and John Travolta.

Medusa then pointed out that she herself was a defrocked priestess of the Temple of Athena.

A London imam, who in fact had been enjoying the Kraken’s recital of Bach’s Jesu Joy of Man’s Desiring, proceeded to end the interruption by punching the lights out of Msgr. Eltonjohnus Oscarwildeus.

The papal nuncio to London was then carried out on a stretcher as he quietly hummed the Beatles’ song, “In an octopus’ garden in the shade…”

After the concert was over, Dracul and Lepardia then went to a quiet cafe for coffee and dessert.

The papal nuncio meanwhile was wheeled into the waiting room of a London hospital where coincidentally Renfield R. Renfield was sitting there waiting with a late Victorian/early Edwardian antique teapot stuck to his hand.

Renfield remarked to his parliamentary colleague Morgana Fay Lee, “I feel so much like Rowan Atkinson’s Mr. Bean right now.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday April 4th


  1. Anne J. said,

    Sounds like my kind of evening. Haha! A South African character is a good addition. 😊

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Thanks, Anne. ☺

      Yes, a South African character in my novel is a very good addition. 😊

      • Anne J. said,

        If you get to experience South Africa in person and get to know our politicians a bit, you will have some very colorful characters.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes a friend of mine who lives in Port Elizabeth once told me about an odd comment that South Africa’s then President Jacob Zuma once made about condoms.

        I forget the comment but when my friend told me, I thought to myself, “Wow. That statement certainly goes far beyond beyond the term eccentric.”

  2. velvetscreams said,

    Great writeup dracul

  3. Lightness Traveling said,

    That Oscarwildeus has always been such a killjoy. Much as I detest such violence (and stage front mosh pits), serves him right for interrupting the music.

  4. annieasksyou said,

    In addition to the Kraken’s outfit and aquamarine tie, the marvelous banality of Dracul and Lepardia’s visit to a quiet cafe for coffee and dessert—inserted into all that wackiness—really made me giggle. Timing is everything…

    I do hope that at some point we can look forward to the Kraken and Medusa’s being rescued from their foray into Scientology—maybe by a suddenly “woke” Drew Barrymore (or perhaps I’m incorrectly maligning her).

    • annieasksyou said,

      Nope—I was wrong. It’s Elizabeth Moss—not Drew Barrymore.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, we can’t have the Kraken in Scientology for too long. 😄

      • annieasksyou said,

        …Altough as we know, the Kraken has superb innate abilities as an escape artist, so perhaps he will soon save himself, Medusa, AND Elizabeth Moss.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, Krakens can slide through keyholes.

  5. David Redpath said,

    Instead of the Kraken, who calls.himself Napoleon VI, singing Bach’s Jesu Joy of Man’s Desiring, perhaps a song from the
    stage musical Hair, such as ‘Aquarius’
    would’ve been more acceptable to the
    New Age and politically corrected Papal Nuncio? That’s if the subject of hair is not
    a too sensitive topic for Medusa.
    It’s not that Bach’s Jesu Joy of Man’s Desiring isn’t perfectly suited to an Easter
    performance. It’s just that the lyrics . . .
    “This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius”
    seem both in keeping with Napoleon VI’s
    politics, and the general Vatican direction 😎

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Of course, I don’t think the singing of the “Dawning of the Age of Aquarius” would have been appropriate to the orchestra’s theme night of An Evening of Bach and Vivaldi unless both the orchestra and the audience were high on large quantities of Canadian recreational cannabis.

      Then maybe it might go over.

      And the audience could spend the evening wondering whether the dawning of the Age of Aquarius was written by Bach or Vivaldi. 😎

      • David Redpath said,

        With a guest appearance by
        Mo Zart & the Four Seasons 👏

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Filling in for Frankie Valli who’s down with laryngitis this evening is the Kraken Napoleon VI.

        A song from the musical Hair this evening is in no way intended to be offensive to Medusa or those who are follicle challenged (aka bald). 😎

      • David Redpath said,

        Perhaps Napoleon VI should do a cover
        of 🎤 Waterloo 🎶 … for old times sake 🎸

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        An excellent idea.

        And when there’s call for an encore, he can sing, “Mama mia. Here I go again…”

  6. David Redpath said,

    🎶 My my … How can Russia resist me?
    In the Winter Snow … Very easily. 🎶

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      ROTFL !

      Winter is coming!

      And Russia colludes with winter to win victories.

      The answer has been found on Game of Thrones on our television screens all these years.

      And people have been too busy following Trump’s tweets and the Mueller investigation to notice.

  7. David Redpath said,

    Well, Putin certainly knows how
    to win an election. Much easier
    when you shoot the opposition.
    Or, as Hong Kong is being taught,
    an opposition to choose from when
    you don’t actually have an opposition.
    Brexit held up in a shakedown by
    bloated Brussels bureaucrats.
    Al Gore read the score, and bought it.
    Is democracy just a beautiful illusion?

  8. Judy Eun Kyung Kim said,

    My favorite character the Kraken, looking resplendent in tux and aquamarine bow tie❤️ so great!

  9. Jessica said,

    “Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s robot barber Edward Scissorhands II gave her a haircut and removed all her snakes.” Youch! 😖 so painful to imagine.

    And wow, Van Helsing behaved himself 😂

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