Much Ado About Meng Wanzhou
Meng Wanzhou: The Face That Launched A Thousand Deaths
Retribution was swift.
Numerous leading officials in the U.S. State, Justice, Trade and Commerce Departments were found dead with poisoned chopsticks inserted into their necks.
Donald Trump woke up in horror to discover that someone had put chicken fried rice and sweet and sour pork spare ribs in his toupee.
Officials at both the Canadian and U.S. Embassies in Beijing had come down with the worst cases of diarrhea in all recorded history.
The Chinese Communist vampiress Mei-ling Manchu (the immortal daughter of the infamous Dr.Fu Manchu Manchu that British writer Sax Rohmer had written about) had gone to Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s greenhouse in Ottawa and wearing a pair of metallic spiked leather gloves had kidnapped Justin’s beloved pot smoking and cannabis inhaling cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever. He would be released upon the release of Huawei executive and Chief Financial Officer Meng Wanzhou from a Canadian prison. Distraught, a tearful Justin had called an emergency Federal Canadian Cabinet meeting on the issue. He was thinking of evoking the Emergency War Measures Act like his father Pierre Elliot had done when British Trade Commissioner James Cross and Quebec Labour Minister Pierre Laporte had been kidnapped by the FLQ back in October 1970.
His Foreign Minister Chrystia Freeland slapped Justin’s face and told him to get a grip on reality.
The Chinese Communist vampiress Mei-ling Manchu just prior to putting on a pair of spiked metallic leather gloves and kidnapping the Canadian Prime Ministerial official marijuana pot smoking and cannabis inhaling cactus plant of Justin Trudeau.
Canadian Foreign Affairs Minister Chrystia Freeland forced to slap Justin’s face when he started babbling about calling upon the ET gray Gali-Gula and an invasion fleet from planet Nibiru for help.
Meanwhile Australian poet David Redpath was happy to report that Strawberry Fields Forever’s two pot smoking and cannabis inhaling desert cactus plant children (a son named Octopi Garden and a left leaning daughter named Octopi Wall Street) were both safe and sound in his home in Australia.
Apparently Redpath’s once buying the Vietnamese vampiress Ho Babylon Minh (the granddaughter of Vietnamese President Ho Chi Minh and a woman who now worked for the Chinese Intelligence Service) some green tea and a Vietnamese pork submarine sandwich in a Sydney restaurant had put the poet in Ho’s good books.
Meanwhile leading officials in the Vancouver Crown Prosecutor’s office were now dying en masse after their marijuana cigarettes were all laced with arsenic by Chinese agents.
Similarly RCMP officers and CSIS agents were keeling over by the bucket load (before they had the chance to complete their bucket lists) all across Canada after egg rolls and chop suey they had received had all been heavily laced with polonium-210.
Set Enterprises’ chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher refused to provide them with the antidote to polonium-210 poisoning that he had developed since his boss the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was personal friends with Chinese Communist vampiress Mei-ling Manchu.
And so numerous orphans and widows were being created in Canada and numerous undertakers and funeral homes would be doing a booming business in Canada next week as a result of the cowardly Justin Trudeau’s surrender of Canadian national sovereignty to America’s Trump Administration and its unilateral embargo against Iran.
Justin was doing this all for a man who belittled and ridiculed him (the ghosts of Sigmund Freud and Alfred Kinsey were both speculating that Justin might be a latent homosexual masochist with a cougee like infatuation and obsession with the older man).
And Trump was following a stringent anti-Iran agenda because his ultimate dream in life was to continously kiss the buttocks of Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.
Truly the days of Sodom and Gomorrah were upon the world as Christ prophesied would be one of the signs of his 2nd Coming.
And speaking of Sodom and Gomorrah, British MP Renfield R. Renfield and the Chinese Intelligence Service operative Vietnamese vampiress Ho Babylon Minh were now in San Francisco to deliver a poisoned apple to Apple CEO Tim Cook on behalf of the Chinese government.
Ho Babylon Minh: Bearing poisoned apples to Cook.
Meanwhile in British Columbia, the Vancouver International Airport was undergoing massive aerial bombardment of seagull droppings from 10 million Chinese seagulls.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday December 8th
2018.
And down in Mexico City, the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing was engaging in tantric sex with the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec (who had dyed her hair blonde for a TV commercial she had been appearing in)
How Renfield Spent Saint Nicholas’ Day
British MP Renfield R. Renfield had spent the morning at the Aulos Music and Recording Ltd.’s Wuthering Heights and Glencoe Hospitality Studios owned by music promoter Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell.
After the old time Christmas musical hit song Baby, It’s Cold Outside was deemed too politically incorrect for pot smoking self-proclaimed feminist Justin Trudeau’s Canada and was being pulled from being played on most Canadian radio stations over the Christmas season, Renfield recorded his own version of the song in a duet with the famous New Orleans vampiress and songstress Angelique Dumont.
He then used his hacking skills to hack into most Canadian radio stations’ play lists and inserted a code by which the song would be played every 20 minutes on radio.
He then hired a bunch of newly arrived immigrants in Canada who had trouble getting jobs to work and drive around in ice cream trucks where the song Baby, It’s Cold Outside would be played on the loudspeakers to let frozen Canadian neighbourhoods know that the ice cream truck was coming.
Afterwards he went down to the Westminster House of Commons to deliver a statement in Parliament on his British Transhumanist Party’s official position on the global trade, foreign and defense policies of the Trump Administration in Washington DC.
The Speaker of the House called on Renfield to make the statement, “I understand the Honourable Member for Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds wishes to make his party’s official statement on the Trump Administration’s global trade, foreign and defense policies.”
“I do, Mr. Speaker,” Renfield rose to his feet, “Donald Trump is so full of crap that if you gave him an enema before he died, you could bury him in a cigar box.”
He then sat down again.
Renfield believed in making his speeches brief and to the point.
Later when he returned home, he phoned the Dragon Warrioress Crown Princess Lenora of Lemuria.
Lenora was holding a group of Russian Navy sailors prisoner in the medieval dungeons of an old castle in Scotland.
They were being guarded by the ghost of the Black Douglas as well as a brigade of British Army Gurkhas.
The ghosts of Humphrey Bogart and Peter Lorre perform an Abbott and Costello comedy routine for the enjoyment of Russian Navy prisoners of Renfield.
The Egyptian cat goddess Bastet then sat on Renfield’s shoulder where the two discussed the Egyptian god/vampire Osiris’ stupidity in getting Hades the god of the Underworld to release the body and soul of French President Emmanuel Macron whom Krampus had dragged down to Tartarus last night.
After mutually agreeing on what an ass Osiris was, Renfield returned to his parliamentary office in Westminster.
There he received a phone call from Chinese President Xi Jinping on whether Renfield and his Brigade of Gurkhas would storm a Canadian prison to release Huawei’s chief financial officer Meng Wangzhou who had just been arrested at Vancouver’s airport and was awaiting extradition to the U.S. for violating Trump Administration sanctions against Iran.
As Xi and Renfield discussed the raid and rescue, his Transhumanist Party colleague and fellow MP the Welsh vampiress Morgana put a book away in the office bookshelf prior to going on a date with Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing:
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday December 6th
2018.
Renfield Takes Russian Sailors Hostage In Sea of Azov
British MP Renfield R. Renfield along with the Ukrainian vampiress Inna Huculak and Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing sailed on Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s submarine The Amphitrite II accompanied by a brigade of British Army Gurkha commandos straight through the Strait of Kerch to the Sea of Azov.
They rammed a Russian Navy submarine the Svyatoy Ivan and sank it to the bottom of the sea.
As Renfield sang “Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea, joy to you and me…” on the Amphitrite II waterproof outdoor loudspeaker, the mermaid Miranda raised the sunken Svyatoy Ivan above the waves where the hatch was opened after being fired upon by a miniature Tesla Death Ray carried by Renfield.
A white wolf with blue eyes, a black jaguar with silver eyes and several Gurkhas jumped aboard the vessel.
Through a bullhorn bearing an autographed picture of the Australian Holstein Friesian steer Knickers, Renfield gave the Russian sailors an ultimatum and a choice.
They could either get their testicles cut off by the Gurkhas and their famous daggers or get some of their body parts bitten off by the white wolf with blue eyes or get their body parts scratched and clawed by the black jaguar with silver eyes or they could surrender.
Every single Russian sailor surrendered.
The Union Jack was raised on the flagpole of the Svyatoy Ivan while Inna Huculak played “Rule Britannia, Britannia rules the waves…” on her Ukrainian ukulele.
Renfield R. Renfield pulled his pants down and took a crap on a lifelike effigy of Russian President Vladimir Putin as Inna Huculak sang a song from the musical Oliver “What is the cause of his red shiny nose? Could it be Oom-pah-pah?”… while playing the accordion with her magnificent pair of knockers.
The ghost of Orson Welles filmed everything with his camera and uploaded it to YouTube and Instagram.
The surrender of the Russian sailors and Renfield’s defecating actions were then projected on to a large airport runway in Argentina as Vladimir Putin’s plane landed in Buenos Aires for the G-20 Summit.
Putin suddenly came down with a severe case of heartburn which the airplane doctor attributed to an overindulgence in Ukrainian cabbage rolls on the Russian leader’s part.
As the ghost of Orson Welles and the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill sat on a yacht in the Strait of Kerch and drank wine and brandy respectively, Welles lamented on his marriage to actress Rita Hayworth.
Welles said mournfully that if he had spent a little less time intellectualizing his many ideas and spent more time making out with the lovely Rita Hayworth, his marriage might have been saved.
Meanwhile the lovely Ukrainian vampiress Inna Huculak sat on a pier in a marina in the Strait of Kerch on the Crimea when Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing approached:
Inna Huculak immediately took Dracul Van Helsing over her knee and spanked him for making out with Russian vampiress Svetlana Kireeva a couple of days earlier.
She then made wild passionate love to him herself after spanking him and screamed “Republic of Ukraine forever!” as she orgasmed in a massive outburst of cosmic energy from all that tantric sex forever.
Renfield R. Renfield meanwhile was on his smart phone checking on his order of a Japanese sex robot that he had ordered for himself for Christmas from Amazon.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday November 29th
2018.
Nimrod Sees A Psychiatrist: Recalling Life With Semiramis
The famous Welsh psychiatrist Dr. Morgana Jones was able to see a new patient at her London clinic.
She did have an appointment with one of her regular patients the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing to help treat his problem of sex addiction but she received a phone call from him cancelling at the last minute because he had spent the past 24 hours making out with the Russian vampiress Svetlana Kireeva of the FSB and he would likely be spending the next 24 hours doing the same.
She did receive a phone call from somebody claiming to be a British Member of Parliament who said he was feeling lonely and depressed because he was sitting alone in his hot tub and had nobody to blow bubbles and play his musical instrument with.
Dr. Jones told him to buy himself a Japanese sex robot and slammed the phone down.
The recepient on the other end called out, “Athelstan, can you find me the number of a sci-fi writer called George Finneganburg in the U.S.? I think he knows where I can buy a good Japanese female sex robot.”
As the Member of Parliament went about blissfully planning his own death by electrocution in a hot tub by hoping to get a Japanese female sex robot prone to blowing her fuse and short circuiting, Dr. Jones’ receptionist brought in a new patient.
He was a little green frog who called himself Nimrod and he hopped out from the top of a low-cut dress worn by the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith.
“You’ll be okay while I go do my Christmas shopping for myself at Harrods?” Lilith asked.
Nimrod ribbited in the affirmative and Lilith was out the door like a bat out of Hell to go shopping at Harrods.
“Are you the Nimrod mentioned in the Bible?” Dr. Morgana Jones asked her new patient as he lay back on the couch and hugged a Sesame Street Miss Piggy doll.
“I am,” Nimrod ribbitted in the affirmative, “I used to be a mighty hunter before the Lord although it really should be properly translated against the Lord. But I like quoting the King James Version myself. It has such beautiful English.”
“How did you become a little green frog?” Dr. Jones queried as the “mighty hunter before the Lord” used his extra long tongue to catch and swallow a fly.
“It was the result of a love potion gone horribly wrong,” Nimrod hiccoughed after swallowing the lord of the flies.
“I don’t remember reading about that in the Biblical account,” remarked Dr. Jones who was raised in a Methodist home in Wales.
“It didn’t happen in Biblical times. It happened after I croaked the first time in Biblical times,” Nimrod croaked in Miss Piggy’s ear.
“Perhaps you better explain,” Dr. Jones crossed her legs which was followed by murmuring from the office’s lobster tank.
“Well, several centuries after I died in Biblical times,” Nimrod licked his lips, “I was brought back from the dead by ET grays who were visiting Earth on an expedition. Later I was killed again when the UFO they were flying crashed near Tuktoyaktuk in the Canadian Arctic. This time I was brought back to life by DARPA while the ET gray bodies were sent to Area 51 and became hopelessly lost like all ET gray bodies at Area 51 are prone to do. The guy in charge of the Freezer section at Area 51- some old geezer who has held the job since Roswell in 1947 and really should have retired years ago has just been named director of Canada Post’s Marijuana Parcel Delivery Program by Justin Trudeau after the latter was visited by Sherrielock Holmes as part of some act of vengeance by her friend Dracul Van Helsing against the country’s marijuana users.”
“So what would you say was the primary cause of your mental trauma that brings you here today?” Dr. Jones uncrossed her legs once again causing murmurs to come from the office’s lobster tank.
“That does date back to Biblical times,” Nimrod admitted.
“Was it perhaps building the Tower of Babel that did it?” Dr. Jones smoothed her pantyhose causing the office’s lobster tank to shake.
“I wasn’t the one who built the Tower of Babel,” Nimrod blubbered into his handkerchief.
“You weren’t?” Dr. Jones was astounded.
“The Bible never says I built the Tower of Babel,” Nimrod blew his nose, “That was later expositors who said that. In fact it was my wife Semiramis who built the tower of Babel after she murdered me.”
Nimrod started to sob hysterically.
“Murdered you?” Dr. Jones was astounded.
“With an ice pick,” Nimrod bawled, “with the result that I never got the chance to enjoy my last cold beer in life. Then the bitch had the nerve to bury me face downwards so I could see where I was going.”
Nimrod was silent.
Then he admitted, “Still I suppose not seeing all those flames at first might have come as the greater surprise.”
“I can see why you’ve been traumatised,” Dr. Jones smoothed her skirt traumatizing the lobster in the tank.
“Yes, she murdered me, buried me face downwards so I could see where I was going and then had the nerve to tell the people of Babel that I had ascended into the heavens as a sun god,” Nimrod wept, “The only thing I got from the sun was sun burn. Then 18 months after I died, she gave birth to Tammuz claiming that it was a virgin birth.”
“It wasn’t?” Dr. Jones arched an eyebrow.
“No, the woman was a nymphomaniac,” Nimrod seethed, “she slept with every single member of the Palace Guard and gave them all sexually transmitted diseases.”
Nimrod looked at Dr. Jones with a pained expression on his face, “Do you know how hard it was to find a good palace guard in those days? I tell you not many were applying for the job or returning to it once word of the pox of Semiramis spread like wildfire among unionized members of Palace Guard guilds everywhere across the known world at the time.”
“Was Semiramis good in bed?” Dr. Jones asked as the lobster in the tank edged closer to the glass to hear the answer.
“I don’t know,” Nimrod shrugged.
Dr. Jones looked at the frog in shock.
“I remember when my very good friend Gilgamash Potatocus the commander of my Palace Guard lay dying,” Nimrod had tears in his eyes, “he said to me, “Your majesty, I have a confession to make to you before I die. I slept with your wife.” I looked at him and said, “With Semiramis?.” He nodded, “Yes.” And I said to him thoughtfully, “Gosh. Well, then you’re one up on me.” Then he expired. Just like the time on Lilith’s parking metre next to her Porsche as I see the policewoman writing her a ticket and putting it on the dashboard.”
The little green frog was standing at the window.
“Gilgamash Potatocus?” Dr. Jones repeated the name.
“Yes, everybody in Ancient Studies these days with the exception of the Dragon Sister prof Sydney Fox and her teaching assistant Nigel Bailey are always shooting their mouths off about how great The Epic of Gilgamesh is,” Nimrod seethed, “But the Epic of Gilgamash Potatocus is even greater. About how Gilgamash Potatocus visited Ireland where he was skinned alive and then mashed and then almost eaten by Irish cannibals before he managed to escape.”
Dr. Jones dropped her pen and bent right over to pick it up.
The lobster tank exploded.
“What’s up with that lobster?” Dr. Jones looked at the water and mess all over the floor, “I was told when I bought Chaucer that he was the younger brother of one of Set Enterprises’ star employees.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday November 27th
2018.
Renfield On Kerch, Crimea and The Sea of Azov: Let’s Get This Strait
British MP Renfield R. Renfield was currently consulting with the ghosts of Sir Winston Churchill and Orson Welles and the Ukrainian vampiress Inna Hukulak to lead a commando raid of British Army Gurkhas on the Russian Navy at the Strait of Kerch to rescue two Ukrainian Navy gunboats The Nikopol and The Berdyansk and a Ukrainian Navy tug and 30 Ukrainian sailors who were seized by the Russian Navy yesterday,
In Kiev, Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko declared martial law in Ukraine for 30 days in order to put the country on a full war footing.
Donald Trump as usual was busy dithering and tweeting about “immigrants on the U.S-Mexico border” in the midst of yet another major international crisis.
He was also trying to make up in his own mind who was the nicer guy- Russian President Vladimir Putin or Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman.
On November 25th, Russian Spetznatz commandos of the Russian Navy seized the Ukrainian gunboats and the tug wounding half a dozen Ukrainian Navy sailors in the process.
Russia had used a Russian ship under the recently completed Kerch Bridge to illegally block passage to Ukrainian ships seeking to enter the Strait to access the Sea of Azov.
The Ukrainian Navy vessels had gone to ask the ship to stop blocking the entrance when they were fired upon by Russian Navy ships and then deliberately rammed.
Renfield and the Gurkas would be sailing on the Dr. Cadbury Rocher designed submarine The Amphitrite II to the Kerch Strait to rescue the Ukrainian Navy ships and sailors.
The Amphitrite II was invisible to both radar and sonar.
Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s original submarine of this design The Amphitrite I and its crew disappeared on its maiden test.
Although a computer at the CERN Large Hadron Collidor had picked up the fact that The Amphitrite I had wound up at the U.S. Navy shipyard in Philadelphia on October 28th 1943 where it slammed into the U.S. Navy destroyer escort The USS Eldridge.
The meeting between the four in Renfield’s office came to an end when the ghost of Orson Welles received an emergency Hermes transmitted telegram from the ghost of Nikola Tesla in the underworld realm of Hades.
Meanwhile outside the Westminster Houses of Parliament, the Russian vampiress Svetlana Kireeva of the Russian FSB was waiting to assassinate Renfield.
It was while she waited for Renfield on the park bench that Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing spotted her.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday November 26th
2018.
Labour Disruption and Strike At Set Enterprises
Last night, British MP Renfield R. Renfield was on his way to the Set Enterprises laboratory to receive a vision from Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster that was intended for his eyes only.
However due to a traffic delay caused by an extremely idiotic driver and the subsequent shooting of that extremely idiotic driver, Renfield was late getting to the Set Enterprises laboratory.
The site was now called Set Enterprises Laboratories and Rug Emporium (as Renfield’s former boss the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set had now gone into business with the Persian goddess Anahita to sell Persian rugs together).
They had hired Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing and the Dragon Warrioress Crown Princess Lenora of Lemuria (who had first met and made out in a police interrogation room at Scotland Yard) to demonstrate how easy it was to hold tantric sex couplings on Persian rugs thus increasing the popularity of sales.
However once Renfield got to the Laboratory and Rug Emporium, the union of Persian rug employees and workers were now on strike after smoking and inhaling Canadian recreational cannabis that had been smuggled aboard a Canadian Federal Government commissioned Air Canada flight from Ottawa to London.
The rug emporium employees were now on strike demanding higher wages so they could buy higher doses of cannabis laced products so they could go on higher trips.
Their picket lines were now surrounding the Set Enterprises building and they weren’t letting anybody in.
Renfield decided it wouldn’t be a good idea to reach under his raincoat and grab his semi-automatic weapon and blow the whole lot of them to kingdom come for two reasons:
Firstly, any tourists present might think they were no longer in London but some locale in the United States and Trump would soon be tweeting his thoughts and prayers to them while not standing up to the narcissistic jackals and jackasses in the NRA who were against any form of gun control (save for a brief period in the 1960s when it became apparent that members of the Black Panthers were buying large amounts of weapons and the NRA were screaming for the government to do something and impose some form of government control over gun purchases but the memory of that brief period the current NRA leadership and membership sought to erase from most History textbooks).
Secondly, Renfield did not want to alienate any potential British Labour Party voter who might be inclined to vote for his British Transhumanist Party (Renfieldian Transhumanism was not your Ray Kurzweil Google brand of Transhumanism or Jeff Bezos Amazon brand of Transhumanism but as the ghost of the late Prague Spring of 1968 Czechoslovakian leader Alexander Dubcek called it, “Transhumanism with a human face.”).
Since the striking rug employees were higher than a kite, Renfield used his new Dr. Cadbury Rocher Cosmos brand Smart Phone to put in a call to the Niburuan ET gray Gali-Gula.
The ET gray Gali-Gula arrived in his UFO Flying Saucer and walked out to speak to the striking workers.
In the platinum plated metallic iron gloves on his hands he carried the marijuana pot smoking desert cactus plant named Strawberry Fields Forever.
Strawberry Fields Forever’s normal habitat was the greenhouse of Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau in Ottawa where the Prime Minister (who had picked up the Prince of Wales’ habit of talking to plants) would go and chat with the cannabis pot smoking cactus plant and inhale the plant’s exhaled smoke as he did so.
Then Justin could truthfully tell the Canadian news media that his lips never touched a marijuana cigarette.
Renfield looked at his watch.
He was late for a hot tub appointment with some of Japan’s top female porn stars who were currently visiting Britain.
Renfield decided he’d leave it to the Niburuan mediator the ET gray Gali-Gula to end the strike.
Michelangelo’s vision for Renfield’s eyes only would have to wait for another day.
His vision of Japanese lady porn stars in a hot tub for his eyes only were far more important.
He left.
The ET gray Gali-Gula told the crowd that his ET gray body was in fact possessed by the spirit of the ancient earthling Roman Emperor Caligula and they could only see him if they inhaled pot smoke.
The crowd was not impressed and still refused to swear off pot smoking.
Gali-Gula said, “I’ll show you the hazards of excessive pot smoking and inhalation.”
He once again picked up the pot smoking desert cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever in his platinum plated metallic iron gloved hands.
“Show them the aftereffects of excessive pot smoking and inhalation,” Gali-Gula addressed Strawberry Fields Forever.
The pot smoking cactus plant then started hiccoughing and sneezing cactus needles in the strikers’ direction.
The strikers still refused to swear off pot smoking.
“Desperate times require desperate measures,” Gali-Gula did his best voice impersonation of Sir Winston Churchill while speaking to Strawberry Fields Forever.
“And now for something completely different,” Gali-Gula spoke to the crowd while impersonating the voice of the Monty Python TV show announcer, “And far more drastic. Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau doing a naked phallic impersonation of Donald Trump.”
Justin Trudeau had ingested Dr. Cadbury Rocher designed Reverse Viagra tablets a few hours before so his phallus would be the right size for doing a Donald Trump impersonation.
The holographic image of Justin Trudeau doing a Donald Trump phallic impersonation was astral projected from Ottawa to London.
He had a special guest to help him in his performance.
The image of a naked Justin Trudeau doing a Donald Trump phallic impersonation and doing a lap dance in the naked lap of a totally nude possible future House speaker Nancy Pelosi was an image far too horrifying for even an H.P. Lovecraft to conceive.
It was also an image far too horrifying for the striking employees of Set Enterprises Rug Emporium to receive.
They swore off pot smoking and cannabis inhalation for life.
The strike ended.
Gali-Gula had saved the day and the night.
And PTSD therapists would be receiving a multitude of clients the next day.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday November 24th
2018.
The Dragon Warrioress Crown Princess Lenora of Lemuria In London
Both Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing and Peter Whitstable the man they called the Fox Mulder of Interpol had been called to the Scotland Yard offices in London by Inspector Depp (no relation as far as he knew to Johnny) of Scotland Yard.
They were asked to come question a suspect.
The man who was with the suspect when she was arrested -undersea explorer Louis Alphonse Cousteau (a great nephew of famed 20th Century undersea explorer Jacques Yves Cousteau) claimed the woman was 3000 years old (even though she didn’t look a day over 24) and had recently been brought back from the dead after being found in a waterproof glass coffin in the sunken city of Mu on the sunken continent of Lemuria which he said he had recently found at the bottom of the South Pacific Ocean.
Louis Alphonse Cousteau was currently undergoing psychiatric assessment by famous Welsh psychiatrist Morgana Jones who had her offices in London.
The woman who claimed to be the Dragon Warrioress Crown Princess Lenora of Lemuria had so far put 20 policemen in hospital when they had gone into the interrogation room to question her.
Rather than going in to interrogate her himself, Inspector Depp (a man once described by Sherlock Holmes’ immortal twin sister the noted London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes as the 21st Century Inspector Lestrade of Scotland Yard) had bravely phoned Van Helsing and Whitstable and bravely suggested they come down and interrogate her.
While looking through the glass at the Dragon Warrioress in the interrogation room, Van Helsing asked Depp, “What’s she been charged with?”.
“Assaulting a Member of Parliament,” was Depp’s reply.
Van Helsing noticed the dress she was wearing in the mug shot after she had been arrested (and the same dress she was currently wearing in the interrogation room) and asked, “And that Member of Parliament wouldn’t have been one Renfield R. Renfield by any chance?”.
“My God, Van Helsing, how could you possibly know…” Depp was astounded.
Van Helsing interrupted, “And I suppose the reason for the assault was that Renfield approached her and asked her out on a date?”.
“Your methods of deduction always amaze me, Van Helsing,” the Inspector was flabbergasted.
“Elementary, my dear Watson… I mean… my dear Depp,” Van Helsing replied.
Whitstable looked at the Dragon Warrioress through the glass into the interrogation room.
“Well, Dracul,” Whitstable asked, “who’s going in?”
Van Helsing followed Peter Whitstable’s gaze and looked at the Dragon Warrioress Princess behind the glass.
Van Helsing lit himself a cigarette and in a calm voice replied,
“I’m going in.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday November 14th
2018.
Michelangelo’s Vision of 2018 U.S. Midterm Elections
British MP Renfield R. Renfield was back in the U.K. again after a brief one day Dia de Los Muertos visit to Mexico City where he videotaped the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec ripping out the live still beating heart of a horny sexually predatory and sexually harassing Google exec (one of many who had recently inspired a spate of Google employee strikes across the world).
Renfield then posted the video on YouTube, Facebook, Instagram and Twitter where it went viral across the Net.
The video was the one thing Renfield did that met with the approval of the #MeTooMovement.
After watching the video, the unlamented former Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein woke up screaming in the night about having a dream of open heart surgery being performed on him without the use of anesthetic.
Another consequence was that Texas cowboys and gunslingers stopped falling in love with Mexican girls in cantinas out in the West Texas town of El Paso much to singer Marty Robbins’ displeasure.
After the burning of the heart was done in front of the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl (who because of his advanced age was starting to prefer his meat cooked well done rather than raw or rare these days), the Aztec deity (who was worshipped as Kukulkan by the Mayans) after eating the heart proceeded to sit down on a sofa with a bottle of tequila (containing inside it a worm in front of a biodegradable cardboard tombstone that had for an epitaph POE’S THE CONQUEROR WORM Conquered) in front of a television set and watched Orson Welles’ last film The Other Side of The Wind on Netflix.
Outside his Mexico City penthouse apartment, the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith performed one huge storm of a whirlwind as the vampire Lev Tomi (who in his mortal life had been Leon Trotsky) the head of the UN Secretariat On The Environment and Climate Change gave a speech on climate change in the city.
Meanwhile back in Qonzilqointec’s penthouse suite on the other side of the street, the Aztec vampiress made out with Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing engaging in BDSM foreplay and mystical magic tantric sex afterwards.
Renfield flew back to Britain from Mexico listening to the Beatles’ Sgt. Pepper and Magical Mystery Tour albums on his airplane headphones while eating a nice dinner of curried lamb and curried goats’ legs on Manitoba wild rice.
Back at the CERN Large Hadron Collidor tunnel in Switzerland, the Hindu destroyer and transformer god Shiva was trying to make a curried dinner out of hubris ridden CERN scientists who had just uncovered a “ghost particle” that was about to upset the equilibrium balance of the entire cosmos.
A result of all this was that scientist Stephen Hawking was turning over on his barbeque spit in Tartarus and very much regretting the fact that he had written THERE IS NO GOD in his last book.
His mother’s favourite expression “Famous Last Words” never rang so true as now.
As soon as Renfield R. Renfield walked through the front door of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal London mansion, his friend Amadeus Emanon informed him of a vision that Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had had in his lobster tank at Set Enterprises laboratories.
“Michelangelo foresees widespread violence, shootings and stabbings at polling stations across America on U.S. mid-term election day,” Amadeus stated.
“I’m not surprised,” Renfield admitted, “I imagine in future U.S. elections, the UN will have to bring in observers from the Afghan Taliban and militant sectarian groups in Iraq to make sure that future American elections are conducted in a less violent and more peaceful manner.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday November 3rd
2018.
Samael Satan Santa Muerte In The Midst of Hurricane Michael
Samael Satan Santa Muerte In The Midst of Hurricane Michael
The fallen Archangel Samael (who was actually the entity called Satan in the Book of Job and not Lucifer the Devil) is in the middle of the vortex that is Hurricane Michael as it weaves its path of destruction.
Samael, who had been spending a great deal of time in Mexico where he was worshiped as the spectral figure of Santa Muerte (depicted as a female Saint since Samael dressed in drag for this apparition after having fallen prey to a psychoanalysis session conducted by the bisexual transgendered goat-Human hybrid demon god Baphomet) by the Mexican drug cartels, drug dealers and various drug gang members, had heard of the tropical storm that was named Michael.
Since Michael was his old nemesis who had thrown him out of Heaven (Michael having done the very same to the first rebellious Archangel Lucifer the Devil also called the Ancient Serpent and the Great Dragon), Samael decided to take revenge on his old nemesis by entering the eye of the tropical storm and turning it into a hurricane to wreak great destruction.
This would be his vengeance against Michael.
Hell hath no fury like a fallen Archangel thrown out of Heaven.
. . .
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was in his greenhouse inhaling marijuana smoke 💨 being exhaled by his genetically created pot smoking desert cactus 🌵 plant that he had named Strawberry Fields Forever.
He was also practicing a Guided Imagery Visualization exercise that he had read in a New Age book that came highly recommended by Oprah.
Then his spirit guide adviser appeared to him who was none other than Gali-Gula an ET Gray from the planet Nibiru who was possessed by the spirit of the ancient earthling Roman Emperor Caligula.
Only this time unlike his previous appearances, Gali-Gula had two heads instead of one.
“Wow, you have two heads,” said an impressed Justin, “Totally far out, man.”
“I don’t really have two heads,” Gali-Gula looked in the mirror to make sure, “Only you inhaled pot and practiced Guided Imagery Visualization at the same time. Something you should never do. Like drinking and driving, they don’t mix. That’s why you see me with an extra head.”
“Wow, imagine the shape I’d be in if I encountered a hundred headed hydra then,” Justin was starting to get a bad case of the munchies and ordered a super deluxe pizza 🍕 on his smart phone.
“What did you want to talk to me about?” Gali-Gula asked the Canadian Prime Minister.
“What did I want to talk to you about?” Justin scratched his second head as he looked at his reflection in the mirror, “Oh, what did you think of my saving the NAFTA Trade Deal at the last moment?”.
“You didn’t save the NAFTA Trade Deal at the last moment and the deal is now called the USMCA,” Gali-Gula answered as he sucked on a lollipop 🍭 as Strawberry Fields Forever hoisted a sailing ⛵️ ship mast on his prickly person and started to sing an old Shirley Temple song from the 1930s.
“I didn’t and it is?” Justin fell back on the greenhouse’s soft carpeted floor (the Prime Minister had ordered the greenhouse floor to be carpeted to prevent further head injury to himself), “Wow. This is really turning into the trip of a lifetime.”
“Yes, what happened is when the NAFTA talks with Canada were on the verge of collapse last week, your Foreign Affairs Minister Chrystia Freeland hired British dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes to tomato 🍅 Donald Trump’s buttocks and get him to do something to save the deal. After he was unable to sit down, Trump asked his son-in-law Jared Kushner to do something to save the talks. So Kushner went in at the last hour and saved the deal that became the USMCA,” Gali-Gula explained as he blew a twenty foot bubble with a piece of bubble gum.
“So it was Jared Kushner that saved our trade deal with the U.S.?” Justin sighed as the ET gray burst his bubble, “No wonder Ivanka turned down my marriage proposal.”
. . .
London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes was waiting outside Westminster Abbey where she was waiting for Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing to show up.
Both Sherrielock and Dracul had been hired by Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to prevent a combined mermaid-Russian invasion of Israel.
As Dracul approached the lovely immortal dominatrix, Sherrielock said to him,
“Why, Dracul, what a big Cossack fur hat you have.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday October 10th
2018.
Dracul and Qonzilqointec On Feast Day of Saint Pius X
Dracul and Qonzilqointec On Feast Day of Saint Pius X
The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec was waiting for Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing.
She wore a low-cut short skirted red rose 🌹 decorated white mini dress and a pair of spiked stiletto high-heeled sandals 👡 whose colour matched her purse 👜.
As soon as Dracul saw her, he realized right then and there that he’d have to take her right then and there on the spot.
Qonzilqointec was expecting that (in fact she was immensely looking forward to it) and so she hadn’t worn any panties under her dress.
Dracul mounted her and they engaged in several hours of highly orgasmic tantric sex which had a major effect on the Ring of Fire around the Pacific Ocean 🌊.
Coincidentally 69 (yes, 69) major earthquakes hit the Ring of Fire and the area around the Yellowstone super volcano 🌋 was on high alert.
. . .
August 21st was the Feast Day of Pope Saint Pius X.
Pope Francis didn’t really relish celebrating the Feast as Saint Pius X had been a Pope who believed in the existence of Hell (much to Pope Francis’ discomfort).
Nevertheless he said a commemoration Mass today for the sake of appearances.
No telling what Cardinal Raymond Burke and Cardinal Robert Sarah would have said if he hadn’t.
Pope Francis then left the Mass for his meeting to discuss the environment and sustainable development for Earth 🌏 Mother Gaia with Lev Tomi the Secretary of the UN Secretariat On The Environment and Climate Change.
Lev Tomi was a vampire.
In his mortal life he had been the Russian Bolshevik revolutionary Leon Trotsky who had a falling out with Josef Stalin and was expelled from the USSR in February 1929.
It was on this date August 21st back in 1940 that Trotsky had been bitten on the neck and turned into a vampire by the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec in Mexico City.
The bite that changed him from mortal to vampiric immortal happened shorty after midnight 🕛 Mexico City local time on August 21st.
If he hadn’t been turned into a vampire, he would have succumbed to his head wounds from an ice pick attack to the head and died.
The ice pick attack happened on August 20th 1940 in Mexico City and was administered by Spanish-born Stalinist agent Ramon Mercader acting on Stalin’s orders.
Trotsky’s “death” was announced to the world as a way to prevent any further attacks on his person by agents of Josef Stalin (it also saved Stalinist agents the embarrassment of having to carry Crosses and Crucifixes and Holy Water as well as hawthorn wooden stakes on their person in an effort to dispose of Trotsky in his current state).
Trotsky changed his name to Lev Tomi and moved to New York City where he worked as a non-starving artist (since he didn’t have to pay to drink blood- his main diet).
When the United Nations was formed in 1945, he got a job working at the UN in New York and worked his way up to become Secretary of The UN Secretariat On The Environment and Climate Change.
“So,” Pope Francis asked Trotsky aka Tomi, “how shall we bring about a world global government to save Mother Earth 🌏?”.
Tomi aka Trotsky told him.
. . .
One of Israel’s leading Kabbalistic rabbis was giving an address in a synagogue on how various mystical rabbis throughout the centuries had predicted the arrival of an alien 👽 ET saviour from another planet who would be the ultimate blessed hope of the Jewish people.
The Mossad agent who was codenamed the Controller of the Golem sat in the front row of the synagogue 🕍 in a state of shock.
Never before had he heard such utter blasphemy.
His gentile guests the Byzantine vampiress Theodora and Prince Vlad Dracula of Wallachia and Count of Transylvania were likewise shocked 😳 😮 as they sat in the front row.
What was really disturbing the Controller thought to himself was that this same Kabbalistic rabbi (who had just prophesied the advent of an alien 👽 ET saviour from another planet) had numerous gentile disciples in America- most of whom were well-known supposedly “Christian” televangelists.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday August 21st
2018.
Qonzilqointec on an historic date-
in every sense of that word.
