Roast Basilisk In Hell’s Kitchen
The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec and Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing flying the winged horse Pegasus had won the showdown in the Libyan desert with the basilisk Basilisk Wrathsbone and his rider the dark arts practicing Jesuit priest Father Caiaphas bar Yochai this past Wednesday.
The ghost of Howard Cosell had been on the scene doing commentary for the underworld based Baphomet Broadcasting Network until he succumbed to spectral laryngitis.
Qonzilqointec had doused the basilisk Basilisk Wrathsbone with Odour of Weasel Perfume sending the genetically recreated satanic beast plunging to its death in the desert sands.
The evil Jesuit Father Caiaphas bar Yochai had survived the fall due to the combination of basilisk venom and extra strong Starbucks dark roasted coffee he had imbibed prior to combat.
The evil priest was not to get off scott free however for Dracul Van Helsing had used the Sword of Saint George to stab the Baphomet worshipping cleric in his phallus.
After Dwayne the Rock Johnson arrived on the scene to declare Qonzilqointec and Dracul the winners, the couple flew off to the Queen Cleopatra Hotel in Alexandria where they spent an evening of tantric sex together.
Star Wars Star Troopers had arrived from Set Enterprises in London to return the basilisk’s body to Britain.
Father Caiaphas bar Yochai managed to catch an Uber ride with an Islamic State terrorist to Paris, France.
There the now swordless Jesuit looked up the ancient Egyptian vampiress Isis since she had previous experience in creating wooden phalluses having created one for her husband Osiris since that was the one part of his 14 missing body parts (after he was dismembered by their brother Set) that she was unable to find.
The American Jesuit priest Father James J. Martin SJ held a Requiem Mass for Father Caiaphas’ fleshly phallus as he had rather fond memories of it.
The basilisk’s body was delivered to Chef Gordon Ramsay and some of his previous winners on the TV program Hell’s Kitchen.
The Rothschilds and some of their business associates were holding a buffet luncheon dinner this Good Friday in London and thought roast basilisk would be just the thing.
Chef Gordon Ramsay and his Hell’s Kitchen crew were brought in to prepare it.
“It tastes like chicken,” one of the Rothschild associates remarked.
“That’s because basilisk is part rooster as well as part serpent,” Chef Gordon Ramsay explained.
Meanwhile the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was worried whether his company would face a law suit as his company’s chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher was responsible for creating this basilisk that caused the fire at Notre Dame this past Monday April 15th 2019 when the basilisk Basilisk Wrathsbone (driven by the evil Father Caiaphas bar Yochai) breathed venomous fire on repair scaffolding at the cathedral.
However no one on the Paris scene suspected a basilisk as basilisks really hadn’t been around for the past 500 years until Dr. Cadbury Rocher recreated one.
Meanwhile over in France, the ancient Greek god Zeus was having a meeting with French President Emmanuel Macron.
“Monsieur le Presidente,” Zeus spoke impeccable French as he had spent the greater part of the Age of Louis XIV deflowering the loveliest of the French courtesans before the Sun King had the chance to do so, “you may not know this but Notre Dame was built over the site of a Temple of Jupiter. Jupiter was of course the name under which the ancient Romans worshipped me. So I was wondering if you could place a replica of my altar at Pergamum at the top of the new Notre Dame where the old spire and Cross used to be before it collapsed in the towering inferno.”
President Macron, who was busy mentally calculating the age of Zeus’ wife Hera and figuring that she must still be a pretty good looking woman judging from her statues, replied, “Why don’t we discuss this over souvlaki and ouzo?”.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday April 19th
2019.
The Greek goddess Hera: Still an extremely good looking woman
Renfield Vs. Crowley Idolizing Jesuits: Vengeance For The Basilisk Attack On Notre Dame
After Dr. Cadbury Rocher was handed over to his great-grandmother the immortal dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes to get his buns tomatoed for genetically creating the basilisk that caused the fire that engulfed Notre Dame, Renfield was busy tracking down the Aleister Crowley admiring Jesuit priest Father Caiaphas bar Yochai the dark arts practicing sorcerer who flew the basilisk named Basilisk Wrathsbone that set fire to repair scaffolding at Notre Dame with his fiery venomous breath.
Father Caiaphas worked in the Antiquities Section of the Vatican Museum, headed the Rome chapter of the O.T.O. (Ordo Templi Orientis) and served as an advisor on papal liturgies for the Mass to Pope Francis.
Renfield found out in between blood curdling screams screamed by Dr. Rocher in Sherrielock’s dungeon below the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal London mansion that the odour of the weasel was apparently fatal to the basilisk.
Renfield bought a bottle of Odour of Weasel Perfume from a discount drug store in London’s Soho district.
He went down to Set Enterprises laboratory and got Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster to visualize the current location of the basilisk Basilisk Wrathsbone.
The Baphomet worshipping Jesuit Father Caiaphas bar Yochai had apparently flown the basilisk to Libya for safety after the disastrous choice he made in getting the basilisk to set fire to Notre Dame with its fiery venomous breath.
The basilisk was a big hit with some of the Islamist terrorist militants there who shouted “Allah akbar!” when Notre Dame went up in flames.
Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing and the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec had volunteered to fight the basilisk and Father Caiaphas.
Qonzilqointec and Dracul had flown to Amman Jordan to meet Pegasus the winged horse (also genetically recreated by Dr. Cadbury Rocher) who would be their steed in battling the evil basilisk and its evil Jesuit rider.
Pegasus was currently owned by Queen Rania of Jordan.
Aztec vampiress and Canadian slayer returned to London on Pegasus.
There the Aztec vampiress picked up the bottle of Odour of Weasel Perfume from Renfield to slay the evil basilisk and Dracul picked up the authentic sword of Saint George the Dragonslayer from The Old Curiosity Shop (of Dickensonian fame) to slay the evil Jesuit.
Then they were off to Libya for the final showdown.
The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec: With a small bottle of Odour of Weasel Perfume in her purse, she’s off to Libya on Pegasus to slay the evil basilisk Basilisk Wrathsbone.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday April 16th
2019.
Semiramis and Dracul Van Helsing: A Place In The Sun
Semiramis the former Queen of Babylon with General Alberto Alfonso Diega
The year was 1948.
And Semiramis was in a certain part of the globe standing alongside General Alberto Alfonso Diega the Deputy Foreign Minister in Generalissimo Francisco Franco’s Spain.
Semiramis had helped Franco’s Spanish Nationalists defeat the Spanish Republicans in the Spanish Civil War.
As such Ernest Hemingway in his 1940 novel For Whom The Bell Tolls never bothered to mention her by name in retaliation for her efforts.
Semiramis, although a fan of John Donne’s poetry and even some of Hemingway’s other writings, didn’t really care.
She feared that if the Spanish Republicans won the Civil War in Spain, the Stalinists would emerge victorious out of all the Republican factions.
She found Stalin to be a boorish and savage little brute.
In this respect, her judgment was more sound than that of many foreign policy advisors in the Franklin Delano Roosevelt Administration.
And now on this day General Diega and some of his men served as her bodyguards at a particular site.
Unknown to the Spanish troops but known to Semiramis, the site was the location of Alexander the Great’s tomb.
In her hand, Semiramis held a watch to see which time traveler showed up first.
Semiramis holds a watch in her hand.
Meanwhile Franz Kohler of the Nazi SS Ahnenerbe Occult Bureau was on a wild goose chase having been fed faulty information by allies of Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing.
The wild goose chase had taken him to a flock of wild geese on Beaverhill Lake near Tofield, Alberta, Canada.
“Damn!” Kohler sneezed as he had a severe allergy to wild geese.
Next Kohler found himself in a Classical Music LP Record warehouse.
He went up to a Terminator robot that looked like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
In his hand, Kohler held a slip of paper with the code word question.
He spoke to the futuristic robot.
“Excuse me, where can I find the Brandenburg Concertos?” Kohler asked the Terminator.
“Aisle B, Bach,” the Terminator replied.
As Kohler went off to discover the explosive LP that would explode in the SS officer’s face, Dracul Van Helsing arrived in time to claim the watch from Semiramis.
“You have won, Van Helsing,” she smiled at him.
And under a beautiful night sky, Semiramis revealed her secrets to Van Helsing including the location of Alexander the Great’s tomb.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday April 12th
2019.
Lepardia Marango, Dracul Van Helsing, King Abdullah II, Queen Rania and Pegasus
South African Cultural Attache Lepardia Marango prior to a date with Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing
Dracul Van Helsing had invited Lepardia Marango to attend a screening of the 1940 version of the film Waterloo Bridge that starred Vivien Leigh and Robert Taylor which was being held in a London repertory theatre.
The 1940 Waterloo Bridge movie alternated with the 1942 film Casablanca in being Dracul Van Helsing’s favourite motion picture of all time.
On the taxi ride over to the theatre, Lepardia and Dracul discussed the news story that was being kept quiet by the fake news media all over the world which was the winged horse Pegasus landing on the Temple Mount in Jerusalem last night.
“I take it this Pegasus was the genetic recreation of the original that Set Enterprises’ Dr. Cadbury Rocher created a couple of years back?” Lepardia asked Dracul.
“That’s right,” Dracul nodded, “when this Pegasus was genetically re-created, Dr. Rocher had a tough time teaching him to fly. When he finally learned how to fly, he was late coming home at night. No one seemed to be able to control Pegasus until Queen Rania of Jordan came to visit the Set Enterprises lab. Now Pegasus lives in Amman Jordan at the palace of King Abdullah II and Queen Rania.”
“So it wouldn’t be far for him to fly from Amman to Jerusalem then?” Lepardia noted.
“No, it wouldn’t,” Dracul agreed, “and he’d be far safer than the Boeing 737 MAX 8.”
“Wasn’t King Abdullah II of Jordan recently awarded the Saint Francis of Assisi Lamp of Peace Award?” Lepardia inquired.
“He was,” Dracul replied, “at the same time cob webs and dust were growing on Jared Kushner’s Deal of The Century. The century will probably be over and all the participants dead from old age by the time Trump’s son-in-law puts his peace deal together.”
“And Trump will undoubtedly have uploaded his consciousness into a cyborg walnut by then so he can live forever,” Lepardia commented.
“Undoubtedly,” Dracul smiled.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday April 9th
2019.
Lepardia Marango and Dracul Van Helsing Enjoy An Evening of Bach and Vivaldi
Lepardia Marango: South African Cultural Attache and Dracul Van Helsing’s date for an evening of Bach and Vivaldi
Canadian vampire hunter Dracil Van Helsing had been given a pair of tickets to this evening’s London Philharmonic Concert entitled An Evening of Bach and Vivaldi.
MP Renfield R. Renfield had originally purchased the tickets for himself and his parliamentary colleague MP Morgana Fay Lee but they both had been invited to a dinner with British Prime Minister Theresa May tonight to discuss the new May-Corbyn Plan for Brexit (of which The Economist magazine had been given a sneak peak and had sent its editor into a state of orgasm).
Dracul Van Helsing decided to ask as his date for this evening Lepardia Marango who was the Cultural Attache at the South African Embassy in London:
Dracul Van Helsing picked her up in a 1939 Rolls-Royce Phantom III that had for its chauffeur Athelstan the butler and valet to the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.
They enjoyed a steak and seafood dinner at the Savoy Hotel and then went to the concert.
As the orchestra was warming up, Lepardia and Dracul discussed the concert as they looked at the program sheets.
“I see the Kraken who calls himself Napoleon VI is going to be singing Bach’s Jesu Joy of Man’s Desiring in the guest singer song recital with the orchestra tonight,” Dracul noted.
“Isn’t he a French politician?” Lepardia asked.
“Yes, he heads the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party and he won last place in a field of a dozen candidates in the last French Presidential election. Although he and his wife Medusa did win seats in the National Assembly for the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party,” Dracul answered.
“His wife Medusa?” Lepardia queried, “She’s the ex-Gorgon?”.
“That’s right,” Dracul nodded, “Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s robot barber Edward Scissorhands II gave her a haircut and removed all her snakes. I believe they were sent over to Ireland along with some dandruff remover on a Saint Patrick’s Day a while back. Medusa is now a beautiful woman again.”
“Didn’t he crown himself Emperor of France a few years back?” Lepardia inquired in relation to the Kraken.
“He did,” Van Helsing replied in the affirmative, “The only one who recognized the coronation was Pope Francis who did so in the hopes of providing greater inter-species cooperation on the planet.”
Lepardia and Dracul listened in rapture as all of Vivaldi’s Four Seasons were played.
They went out at intermission and enjoyed a glass of champagne.
An acquaintance of Miss Marango informed the duo that the dinner meeting with Theresa May had apparently and abruptly ended when Renfield had poured spaghetti and meatballs over the head of Baron Rothschild in a heated argument.
The pair then went into the auditorium for the 2nd half of the concert.
The final performance of the evening was the Kraken singing Jesu Joy of Man’s Desiring.
The Kraken came out looking resplendent in a multi-armed and multi-legged tuxedo with aquamarine coloured bow tie.
He bowed to the audience’s applause and then proceeded to sing Bach’s Jesu Joy of Man’s Desiring.
Half-way into his recital, the Papal Nuncio to London Msgr. Eltonjohnus Oscarwildeus stood up in the audience and accused the Kraken of proselytism by singing a song with such lyrics.
Msgr. Eltonjohnus Oscarwildeus pointed out that Pope Francis had just declared proselytism a mortal sin on a recent visit to Morocco and the Kraken shouldn’t be doing such things.
The Kraken’s wife Medusa stood up in the audience and defended her husband pointing out that the Kraken was in fact a Scientologist as a result of a weekend seminar workshop he had attended with Tom Cruise and John Travolta.
Medusa then pointed out that she herself was a defrocked priestess of the Temple of Athena.
A London imam, who in fact had been enjoying the Kraken’s recital of Bach’s Jesu Joy of Man’s Desiring, proceeded to end the interruption by punching the lights out of Msgr. Eltonjohnus Oscarwildeus.
The papal nuncio to London was then carried out on a stretcher as he quietly hummed the Beatles’ song, “In an octopus’ garden in the shade…”
After the concert was over, Dracul and Lepardia then went to a quiet cafe for coffee and dessert.
The papal nuncio meanwhile was wheeled into the waiting room of a London hospital where coincidentally Renfield R. Renfield was sitting there waiting with a late Victorian/early Edwardian antique teapot stuck to his hand.
Renfield remarked to his parliamentary colleague Morgana Fay Lee, “I feel so much like Rowan Atkinson’s Mr. Bean right now.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday April 4th
2019.
Atargatis, Dracul and The A. Y. Jackson Painting
The year was 1955.
Winston Churchill had recently stepped down as Prime Minister of Britain.
And an exhibit of paintings of Canadian artist A. Y. Jackson was opening in London.
The Syro-Phoenician goddess Atargatis had gone back in time from the current year of 2019 to 1955 to purchase an A.Y. Jackson painting that would become quite valuable.
Atargatis at a London art exhibit in the spring of 1955.
The name of the painting was Painting Of A Buffalo From The Rearend As Painted From The Rearend of A Train.
The buffalo had been painted by Jackson while he was sitting at the back of a caboose at a train stopped in the Red Deer River Badlands near Drumheller, Alberta, Canada.
A buffalo had stoppped and turned around and showed Jackson his rearend so the artist had painted a picture of the spectacle.
“A most remarkable portrait of the late Fuhrer of Germany,” Sir Winston Churchill remarked as he gazed at the painting through his spectacles.
Atargatis controlled a laugh.
Then she caught sight of Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing.
“Are you here to bid on the painting, Van Helsing?” She asked.
“No, just here to take a look,” Van Helsing replied, “my dad often talked about this painting. That very same buffalo later went and took a crap on the shoes of my dad’s school principal. My dad always wanted to say thanks to that buffalo but never got around to it. So I’m here to do it on his behalf.”
“You’re an unusual man, Van Helsing,” Atargatis took a martini off a passing tray.
“And you’re a ravishingly beautiful goddess,” Van Helsing likewise grabbed a martini.
“We really should stop meeting like this,” Atargatis smiled, “it gives a whole new meaning to that expression “blast from the past”. Although I must say, I wouldn’t mind doing it in a DeLorean.”
“Neither would I,” Van Helsing smiled in return, “seeing as how time traveling DeLorean drivers were right in their prognostications about who would become U.S. President in a certain time period- be it Reagan or be it Trump- I’m sure the DeLorean back seat windows could use a little steaming up.”
“Did the DeLorean have a back seat?” Atargatis asked.
“If it didn’t, we could always make one,” the vampire hunter helped himself to a raw oyster.
“I hear a couple of nights ago, you were in Havana, Cuba in 1956,” Atargatis helped herself to a Cuban cigar.
“I was,” Van Helsing offered her a light, “where I heard from a Los Angeles private eye that drinking milk from your lactating breasts makes one immortal.”
“And would you like to be immortal, Mr. Van Helsing?” She approached him.
“England expects every man to do his duty,” Dracul quoted Lord Horatio Nelson and looked down the front of her dress.
The remaining drops of the Syro-Phoenician goddess’ martini wound up in the vampire hunter’s face.
Atargatis walked outside.
After grabbing a towel from the waiter and wiping his face, Van Helsing followed her.
“Well, how about this for a coincidence?” Dracul Van Helsing quoted a line that Dustin Hoffman spoke to Katharine Ross at the back of a bus and pointed towards a car parked in front of the art gallery steps, “A DeLorean.”
Atargatis looked at the car and smiled.
She turned to Van Helsing with a twinkle in her eye and said, “Well, a girl really can’t say no to a DeLorean can she?”.
“They shall look back and say, this was their finest hour,” Churchill quipped as he exited the art gallery.
“And will I get the chance to play with your gearshift, Mr. Van Helsing?” Atargatis asked as the vampire hunter opened the door for her.
“I was hoping you’d ask,” was the vampire hunter’s reply.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday March 29th
2019.
Athena and Dracul In Edinburgh
“And so how are your travels across the annals of time going?” The Greek goddess Athena asked Dracul Van Helsing as he stoked the fires in the Edinburgh hotel room they were in.
“Well, last night I was in Havana Cuba in 1956 and I saw Pat Nixon’s Rockefeller bought mink coat won in a card game in a U.S. Mafia owned casino,” Van Helsing answered.
“My owl tells me that you spent quite the enchanted evening with Isabel Esmeronde the Cuban singer extraordinaire who won that card game,” Athena looked accusingly at Van Helsing.
“Your owl is quite the time traveling spy,” Van Helsing lit a cigarette.
“He is,” Athena acknowledged.
“And now he’s flying around the British House of Commons as the Brexit fracas is going on,” Van Helsing looked at the TV screen which showed an owl caught in the Speaker’s hair.
“He finds human follies and foibles quite amusing,” Athena helped herself to some grapes.
“I see you’re in touch with the Scottish independence movement should Brexit go ahead,” Van Helsing sat down on the sofa.
“They don’t call Edinburgh the Athens of the North for nothing,” Athena smoothed her dress.
“And you’re looking after the Athens of the North?” Van Helsing thought of the Grecian columns of the National Monument on Calton Hill.
“I am,” Athena nodded, “My father’s Kraken is now swimming in the North Sea.”
Van Helsing in his mind pictured Liam Neeson as Zeus saying “Release the Kraken!” and Mel Gibson as William Wallace standing on a cliff above the sea and shouting “I am William Wallace!”.
He wondered who would win that battle.
“I hear you shot and killed your time traveling adversary the Nazi SS Ahnenerbe Occult Bureau vampire Franz Kohler with a silver bullet,” Athena smiled.
“I did,” Van Helsing took a sip of his Scotch, “Unfortunately the immortal Egyptian priest scientist Imhotep brought him back from the dead and so he’s once again Undead.”
“And Imhotep seems to have the backing of the Egyptian god Thoth for whatever reason,” Athena rubbed her lip in thought.
“He appears to,” Van Helsing acknowledged.
“And with the secret diary of Solomon in your possession, you enter into the machinations of gods and goddesses,” Athena looked at the Canadian vampire hunter.
Van Helsing put down his Scotch, “I wasn’t aware you knew of that diary’s existence. I guess Solomon’s secret diary isn’t as secret as I thought.”
“As the Greek goddess of wisdom, I appreciated the wisdom of Solomon,” Athena stood up, “so of course I knew of his diary’s existence.”
Van Helsing stood up.
“The sun is setting,” the vampire hunter looked out the window.
In the distance, the Union Jack could be seen flying along Scotland’s national flag.
“I’d appreciate a kiss before bedtime,” Athena licked her lips.
And lips of Greek goddess and vampire hunter touched.
Followed by embracing of arms.
Miles away in the North Sea, the Kraken swam.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday March 28th
2019.
Isabel Esmeronde: Cuban Singer Extraordinaire
Isabel Esmeronde: Cuban singer extraordinaire
The year was 1956.
And U.S. Vice-President Richard M. Nixon sat in the LA private eye office of Carson Cody Albion.
Carson Cody Albion was an immortal Private Eye.
Quite literally immortal.
He had been turned immortal by the Syro-Phoenician goddess Atargatis back on May 8th 1945 when her breasts started lactating over the news that Nazi Germany had unconditionally surrendered over in Europe.
Albion, who was going through severe bourbon withdrawal at the time, immediately started drinking the milk and became immortal.
Atargatis: Prior to hearing the news of Germany’s surrender on May 8th 1945.
“I’ve been told you’re the height of discretion, Mr. Albion,” Nixon said.
“That I am,” Albion turned off his tape recorder, “Normally I like to record my clients’ conversations but in your case, I’ll make an exception.”
“Those tape recorders are kind of handy things, aren’t they?” Nixon looked at the machine, “I might have to start using them someday.”
“What can I do for you, Mr. Vice-President?” Albion asked.
“Well, as you know I saved my political ass four years ago by the fact I owned a dog named Checkers and my wife Pat owned a good Republican cloth coat and not a mink coat,” Nixon said.
“I recall that,” Albion nodded.
“Anyways that damned fool Nelson Rockefeller went and bought my wife Pat a mink coat last Christmas,” Nixon frowned.
“Why did he do that?” Albion looked perplexed.
“I’ve been told that it was vengeance for my leaving his hotel room door open for his wife Mary at the 1952 Republican convention,” Nixon now looked perplexed, “She apparently walked into the bedroom while some British woman named Sherrielock Holmes was showing Nelson how to make tomatoed buns. I thought Mary would be happy about someone showing her husband how to cook but apparently she wasn’t.”
“So Rocky bought Pat a mink coat as vengeance?” Albion ate some jelly beans.
“That’s right,” Nixon said, “And now it’s been stolen. By the Mafia. And they’re offering it for sale to the highest bidder down at a casino in Havana. That bastard Joe Kennedy Sr., the father of Sen. Jack Kennedy, is going to try to buy it in a move designed to embarrass me. He’ll present it to the press as evidence that “Pat doesn’t have cloth to mink around anymore.” The swine.”
“So what would you like me to do?” Albion asked.
“It will be offered both at the cards table and then the roulette table prior to auction,” Nixon scratched his nose, “I want you to try to win it for me ahead of time.”
. . .
Fidel Castro sat in the lobby of the Spanish Crown casino.
He pointed out the decor and the clientele to his friend Ernesto Che Guevara.
Said Castro bitterly, “This is what Batista wants to turn all of Cuba into. A playground for America’s wealthy.”
. . .
“Who is the best poker player in all of Cuba?” Albion asked the British Ambassador to Havana.
“And what do you want with the best poker player in all of Cuba?” Sir Justin Burstpipes asked.
“I need him to win a mink coat for me,” Albion replied.
“You always come up with the most interesting answers to my questions, Albion,” Sir Justin sipped his gin, “We could use you at the Foreign Office in London. Your answers could shake the dust off the cobwebs there. But in answer to your question, the best poker player in Cuba is a her not a him.”
“And who is she?” Albion asked.
“Right over there,” Sir Justin Burstpipes pointed in her direction, “Isabel Esmeronde, Cuban singer extraordinaire.”
. . .
Isabel Esmeronde won Pat Nixon’s mink coat at the poker table.
Carson Cody Albion lived up to the British Ambassador’s last name as soon as he saw her as did the British Ambassador himself.
After Isabel left the cards table, Albion said to her, “Can I buy you a drink?”.
Isabel smiled and shook her head no, “I have an appointment with a time traveling Canadian vampire hunter later tonight.”
And with that statement, she bowed and left.
“Well with her answers and her assets, she’d definitely shake up the Foreign Office in London for the better,” Sir Justin Burstpipes remarked as he gazed at her entrance into the casino lounge.
Later in the lounge that night, Isabel Esmeronde sang, “Some enchanted evening, you may see a stranger…”
Dracul Van Helsing time traveler from the future watched her sing.
He loved enchanted evenings.
Isabel Esmeronde: Some enchanted evening
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday March 27th
2019.
Robert Mueller, Interpol’s Mulder and The Red Dragon Banner
Yesterday U.S. Special Counsel Robert Mueller had presented his report on possible Russian state-Trump campaign collusion to the U.S. Attorney-General’s Department.
Now both the Trump White House and Democrats in the U.S. Congress were anxious to get their hands on the report.
As such, both the Norse trickster god Loki and the native American indigenous trickster spirit Coyote had joined forces and were working overtime to ensure that the words and conclusions of the copy of the Mueller report that Donald Trump received were vastly different from the words and conclusions of the copy of the Mueller report that Sen. Chuck Schumer and Rep. Nancy Pelosi received.
As such when all the parties issued their respective tweets and press conferences on the subject, that should really set off fireworks all around.
CNN, The Washington Post and The New York Times would accuse Trump of lying and misrepresenting the report.
And Fox News, Breitbart and The National Enquirer would accuse Schumer and Pelosi of lying and misrepresenting the report.
And both the National Rifle Association and Planned Parenthood would issue statements that no killings whatsoever happen in America.
And Vladimir Putin, Xi Jinping and Kim Jong-un would hold an emergency summit in which the 3 leaders would come to the conclusion that the United States of America as a whole was collectively insane and possibly should be collectively euthanized for the sake of planet Earth.
. . .
Peter Whitstable was the man they called the Fox Mulder of Interpol.
In his investigation of all things paranormal and occult, it had come to his attention that the singer Beyonce might possibly be descended from Marie Laveau the famous Voodoo Queen of New Orleans.
And as Whitstable sat in The Blue Lantern Chinese Restaurant in Los Angeles – an historic landmark famous because an LA private eye had once made out with an LA high society debutante in public in the booth right next to the Smiling Buddha there (the story was the Buddha’s smile grew even wider after he had watched the encounter) back in 1941- he noticed Beyonce and her husband Jay-Z enter the restaurant.
This was Whitstable’s chance to ask the singer in person.
“Excuse me, Miss Beyonce,” he approached the beautiful musical superstar, “I was wondering if you could tell me if you’re descended from Marie Laveau the Voodoo Queen of New Orleans.”
As Jay-Z scowled, Beyonce raised her right foot and with her spiked stiletto high-heeled shoe kicked the Interpol operative right out the door.
Former California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger who was sitting at the table facing the Smiling Buddha swore that the Smiling Buddha’s smile grew wider yet again at the sight of the singer’s slit skirted and black silk pantyhose kick.
. . .
Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing was in Jerusalem.
As he had been wrestling in bed with the Syro-Phoenician goddess Atargatis for control of Maximilien Robespierre’s little black book in a New York City apartment back in 1939, his pet blue eyed white wolf had grabbed the book in its jaws and brought it to this current year of 2019.
The book contained a prophecy given by a clairvoyant prostitute (who had once dressed up as the Goddess of Reason in a worship ceremony held in Notre Dame Cathedral shortly after the French Revolution) that Robespierre had written down in the book.
The prophecy was about the Golan Heights in the year 2019.
The prophecy said that “the blood of the giant progeny of the Nephilim to be found in the ground below the Heights would bring great wealth to those who owned it”.
And of course Donald Trump had just recognized Israeli sovereignty over the Golan Heights.
And the company that had been given exclusive drilling rights to the oil and gas underneath the Golan Heights was a company called Genie Energy.
Genie of course was the English equivalent of djinn in Islamic tradition – supernatural entities created out of “smokeless fire” who are able to eat and drink and also have children like humans but were much faster and stronger than humans.
Some scholars wondered whether the djinn were not the same as the Nephilim -supernatural Watchers of planet Earth – who were mentioned in Genesis Chapter 6 and the 1st Book of Enoch.
Sitting on the Board of Advisors of Genie Energy were such notables as Baron Jacob Rothschild, former Vice-President Dick Cheney, Rupert Murdoch, former Energy Secretary Bill Richardson and Ira Greenstein (a close business associate of Jared Kushner’s family) who was the former President of Genie Energy as well as a former legal advisor to President Donald Trump.
Van Helsing was in Jerusalem to check out the claims.
He had with him in his hotel room the Red Dragon Banner a special dragon standard flag (that sported a scarlet red dragon against a black background) that had belonged to his ancestor King Arthur.
The dragon was able to miraculously breathe fire in battle when called upon.
Van Helsing figured it might be needed in these times.
The Canadian vampire hunter was in a Jerusalem warehouse there to meet with a woman who was a direct descendant of the Queen of Sheba and King Solomon.
When he saw her, Van Helsing’s smile was wider than that of the Smiling Buddha in the Blue Lantern Chinese Restaurant in Los Angeles.
A woman who was the direct descendant of the Queen of Sheba.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday March 23rd
2019.
Atargatis, Cleopatra and Robespierre’s Little Black Book
The ghosts of Orson Welles and Sir Winston Churchill (acting as emissaries of British MP Renfield R. Renfield) stood on top of Mount Hermon in the Golan Heights alongside Renfield’s ally the Byzantine vampiress Theodora.
As a result of Theodora’s dropping a mixture of ring worms and tape worms in Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan’s coffee the night before, the Turkish leader had spent the day scratching his ass while speaking in front of voters on the campaign trail causing the would be Ottoman sultan to look like a total idiot.
“I see Donald Trump has tweeted that the U.S. government is formally recognizing the Golan Heights as Israeli controlled rather than Israeli occupied,” Welles’ ghost remarked as he surveyed the landscape.
“I imagine Syria and her allies Iran and Russia will have something to say about that,” Theodora commented.
“But that fact has obviously not appeared on Donald Trump’s radar,” Churchill said as he chewed on his spectral cigar.
. . .
“Mr. President, your Norwegian blue parrot has just shit all over Air Force One’s radar,” the pilot of Air Force One gave a visual surveillance commentary to the usually inept and in need of explanation Donald Trump.
“Lexington,” Trump shouted to his British valet and butler as he tried to get parrot droppings out of his toupee, “would you put that blasted parrot back in his cage?”.
. . .
The Syro-Phoenician goddess mermaid Atargatis (in human form) looking for Maximilien Robespierre’s little black book in a book collector’s library of the 1930s
Atargatis had traveled back in time to New York City in 1939.
It had come to her attention that Maximilien Robespierre’s Little Black Book (in which he wrote down all the names of his enemies who were to be executed by the Committee of Public Safety) contained a prophecy given to Robespierre by a clairvoyant prostitute who once dressed up as the Goddess of Reason in Notre Dame Cathedral.
The Goddess of Reason had given a prophecy to Robespierre which he wrote down in his little black book.
The prophecy apparently involved the Golan Heights in the year 2019 and Atargatis who was working in alliance with the Syrians, the Iranians and the Russians desired to know what the prophecy was.
The last known location of Robespierre’s book was in the library of a New York City book collector Joffre Horton Hurtig.
No one knew what became of the book after 1940.
So Atargatis had used the CERN Large Hadron Collidor to travel back in time to the book collector’s library in 1939.
She located the book hiding behind another book in a bookshelf in his library.
“I see you have found Robespierre’s book,” Dracul Van Helsing spoke behind the goddess.
He had used the Houdini-Tesla-Welles-Lamarr prototype magic lantern film projector to travel back in time.
“You want the book as well, Van Helsing?” Atargatis asked.
“Indeed I do,” Van Helsing replied, “I’ll wrestle you for it.”
It was one Hell of a wrestling match.
. . .
In her mortal life, Cleopatra had been Queen of Egypt reigning as Cleopatra VII Philopator.
Today the resurrected Cleopatra served as the High Queen of Ireland although so far the world was unaware of her secret Druidic coronation on March 17th 2018.
“So what are we doing in Jerusalem?” Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun asked her.
“That my dear Yaldabaoth, you’re about to find out,” Cleopatra smiled and bore fangs like those of a snake.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday March 21st
2019.
