The Turning Point
“So, where is your friend Renfield R. Renfield tonight?” Angelique Dumont asked her boyfriend Amadeus Emanon as he came over to her apartment.
“I was informed by Athelstan the butler at the Set Mansion this morning that Renfield has apparently decided to vanish for a few days,” Amadeus answered.
“Vanish?” Angelique seemed perplexed.
“Yes, the number of governments and wealthy global oligarchs around the world who want to see him assassinated has really grown exponentially the past week,” Amadeus explained.
“So I take it then that Renfield won’t be attending Prince Philip’s funeral?” Angelique inquired.
“Well I understand Philip’s funeral is to be a small affair at the Duke of Edinburgh’s own personal request plus Covid restrictions are in place,” Amadeus was eating a Worcestershire sauce laced grilled cheese sandwich, “Plus I don’t think Renfield would have really been invited anyways.”
“Prince Philip didn’t like Renfield?” Angelique Dumont put honey in her tea.
“I don’t think Philip knew Renfield very well,” Amadeus pointed out, “But Prince Philip’s eldest son Charles Prince of Wales and Duke of Cornwall certainly doesn’t like Renfield very well.”
“Why doesn’t Prince Charles like Renfield?” Angelique wanted to know.
“Well, because a few years ago, Charles was only standing a few feet away from Renfield when Renfield said to someone else that in his opinion Charles’ 2nd wife Camilla the Duchess of Cornwall looked like a horse,” Amadeus sipped a ginger beer.
“That would explain the Prince of Wales and Duke of Cornwall Charles’ dislike of Renfield,” Angelique admitted.
“The next day, Renfield did issue an apology… to horses,” Amadeus recalled, “but even that didn’t quite cut the mustard with Prince Charles.”
“I should say not,” Angelique shook her head, “But I think Her Majesty the Queen likes Renfield does she not?”.
“Yes,” Amadeus nodded, “Because Renfield once saved one of her Welsh corgis from drowning in a swimming pool.”
. . .
“Who’s this Prince Philip guy?” American President Joe Biden asked one of his aides, “Is he the fellow who made Philips Electric Shavers?”.
“No, Mr. President,” The aide wore a t-shirt that said I’M WITH STUPID with an arrow pointing in Biden’s direction, “He was the Prince Consort of the Queen of England.”
“Victoria?” Biden reached for a glass of water to take his Geritol pills.
“That was Prince Albert,” his aide sounded exasperated, “And Victoria was queen for the most part of two centuries ago.”
“Who’s the current Queen?” Biden inquired.
“Are you referring to the Sovereign of Great Britain or your recent appointment to the position of Assistant Secretary of Health and Human Services?” His aide wanted to know.
Biden scratched his head at that one.
. . .
After administering a severe spanking to Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing for being late to their meeting, the Norse Goddess Freya went to a corner of the room and stood looking at him.
“So did you find out if it’s true that my son Thor has formed an alliance with Loki?” Freya asked.
“It’s true,” Dracul Van Helsing lit a cigarette and poured himself a glass of bourbon.
“But such an alliance was not foreseen in the Poetic Edda or Prose Edda?” Freya pointed out.
“That’s true as well,” Van Helsing nodded, “Anyhow Thor and Loki have formed an alliance with Osiris and Horus to bring about a Great Reset New World Order. That idiotic English language mantra Build Back Better is being translated into ancient Norse and ancient Egyptian even as we speak.”
“This is depressing news,” Freya sighed, “I need a conjugal encounter right now to get rid of my depression.”
“So do I,” Van Helsing confessed.
They were soon on the bed in the apartment making out with one another.
The ghost of Orson Welles walked in at that moment.
“Not again,” Welles’ ghost went back into the hall.
A Norwegian otter carrying a notepad and a pencil asked Welles if he knew the ancient Norse word for Google.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday April 9th
2021.
Little Noticed Russian Ministry of Health Statement
Another BBC News announcer had been shot and killed in the intermittent
warfare going on in the BBC news room between Neo-Stalinist Neo-Bolshevik Communists and Neo-Trotskyite Neo-Bolshevik Communists.
If Chief Inspector Brackenreid of Murdoch Mysteries was alive today and even more importantly not a fictional character, he might put it this way, “It’s what Eric “Bloody” Blair wrote about in the Spanish Civil War all over again. The reason the Republican side lost the Spanish Civil War.”
Stalinist Republicans and Trotskyite Republicans spending more time killing one another than killing Gen. Franco’s Nationalists.
As such, British MP Renfield R. Renfield was stepping in once again to read the BBC News on behalf of yet another recently deceased announcer.
Adding his own personal flourish and commentary.
Said Renfield, “The interior of the 13th Century Gothic Saint Nicolas Collegiate Church in Avesnes-sur-Help, northern France, which sports a 60 metre tower, was destroyed by an April 5th fire. The building’s structure was not damaged although a historic altarpiece was lost in the flames.
Police took a man into custody who was seen on surveillance camera as the last person leaving the church before the fire broke out.
No word yet on whether the perpetrator was a mentally unhinged sex addict, a Muslim extremist or a White Supremacist with white privileges.”
Continuing on, Renfield read, “In other news, Archbishop Michel Aupetit of Paris had an escargot and cheese fondue cream pie thrown in his face by an invisible entity. Although a Harvey Wallbanger drinking altar boy claims that the perpetrator was a 6 foot 8 tall purple coloured bunny rabbit with big pink floppety ears.
The escargot and cheese fondue cream pieing took place a day after Archbishop Michel Aupetit had launched canonical proceedings against the traditionalist Tridentine Latin Mass priest Father Marc Guelfucci the parish priest of St. Eugene et St. Cecile Church in Paris for not worshipping the Holy, Blessed and Eternal Virus Scamdemic during last weekend’s Holy Saturday Easter Eve vigil.”
Meanwhile American President Joe Biden, who had tripped and fallen 72 times during his walk from the Oval Office door to his Oval Office desk, asked one of his aides, “What’s this Poseidon 2M39 torpedo?”.
His aide replied, “It’s Russia’s new superweapon. An unmanned stealth torpedo that can evade coastal defences by travelling along the sea floor.”
“Do we have one of those?” Biden asked as his fingers fell 33 times on his desk trying to reach for a pen.
“No, it’s like the Keystone Pipeline,” his aide answered, “Environmentally unsafe.”
“Good thing we don’t have it then,” Biden inhaled his marijuana pot smoking desert cactus plant Sweet Dementia’s exhaled cactus pot smoke.
And while all this was happening, Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing was talking to Peter Whitstable (the man they call the Fox Mulder of Interpol) via Skype.
“Did you hear about the Russian Ministry of Health Report released today?” Whitstable asked.
“No, what did it say?” Van Helsing inquired.
“Well, Russia acted against WHO regulations and dissected a group of Covid-19 patients,” Whitstable pointed out.
“Wait, are you saying WHO doesn’t allow autopsies to be performed on people who are supposed to have died from Covid-19?” Van Helsing wanted to know.
“That’s right,” Whitstable nodded.
“Then how do they know they actually died from Covid-19?” Van Helsing asked.
Whitstable shrugged, “Anyways, they discovered that those people they dissected didn’t die from a virus. They died from extended radiation poisoned bacteria.”
“Extended radiation poisoned bacteria?” Van Helsing had never even heard of such a dystopian sci-fi term, “That sounds like something produced in a Xi Jinping approved CCP science experiment.”
“Which is probably what it is,” Whitstable admitted, “Anyways these extended radiation poisoned bacteria lead to the formation of blood clots in veins and nerves. Anyways with these blood clots in the veins and nerves, the brain, lungs and heart cannot properly oxygenate which makes it difficult for people to breathe and people die quickly with lack of breathing energy.”
“Would this phenomenon be true of all Covid-19 patients?” Van Helsing asked, “And isn’t bacteria dfferent from a virus? And if the Russian autopsies (which the CCP stooge and puppet Dr. Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus asked people not to perform) are accurate, it sounds like what we’re dealing with here is definitely a man-made phenomenon and not some disease caused by a virus jumping from one species to another.”
“That would be my conclusion as well,” Whitstable nodded.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday April 8th
2021.
Hera and The Gangsters
The Greek goddess Hera starring in a 1930s Broadway play about gangsters
It was the decade of the 1930s.
And the Greek goddess Hera was honing her theatrical skills by starring in a Broadway play about gangsters.
It was dress rehearsal night – the evening before the official opening.
Hera was awaiting the arrival of the gangster boss Big Frank Malone.
A man came on stage wearing a fedora hat and gangster suit and carrying a big violin case.
Hera, speaking out of character, said, “You don’t look like John Barrymore to me.”
“I’m afraid John is a bit under the weather tonight,” the understudy replacement for John Barrymore replied.
“How many bottles did he have to drink today?” Hera asked.
“You know the real Barrymore obviously,” Dracul Van Helsing, who had time travelled from the future and was now playing the role of Big Frank Malone in this play about gangsters, replied.
“That’s funny,” the ghost of Orson Welles, who had likewise time travelled from the future, remarked as he sat in the front row, “I don’t ever recall John Barrymore starring in a play about gangsters.”
“He possibly drank before each performance and never made it to the stage,” Van Helsing noted.
“By Jove, I think you’re right,” Welles agreed.
“Please, don’t use one of my husband’s Roman names,” Hera stood up.
“I forgot,” Welles bowed, “I do apologize.”
Hera approached Van Helsing, “Well, Dracul, since you’ve come from the future to step in for the great John Barrymore, perhaps we can do an improvisational performance tonight.”
“And what improvisational performance did you have in mind?” Van Helsing inquired.
“How about making out here on the stage?” Hera smiled.
And Hera and Van Helsing did just that.
“Not again,” Welles’ ghost buried his ghostly head in his ghostly hands.
As Hera and Van Helsing made out, soon thunder and lightning flashed around the stage.
“And furthermore, I just would happen to be in the very theatre on the night the Greek god Zeus decided to attend a Broadway play,” Welles’ ghost sighed.
The next day a hangover stricken John Barrymore was asked what happened to the theatre as it lay in ruins.
“Well, I know people are once again going to say this was a hallucination brought on by too much drink on my part,” Barrymore commented, “but it was an angry and cuckholded Greek god Zeus who destroyed this theatre because his wife the Olympian queen Hera was making out with a mortal.”
The members of the New York press laughed and shook their heads.
And that was the reason history has no record of John Barrymore starring in a Broadway play about gangsters.
The ghost of radio announcer Paul Harvey appeared in front of the lightning produced charred ashes of the theatre and gave his usual radio show sign-off, “And now you know the rest of the story.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday March 1st
2021.
Maria Orsic and The Turing Jukebox Computer
Maria Orsic and The Turing Jukebox Computer
Two rogue agents for MI-5 (although no one in MI-5 knew they were rogue agents) informed British Prime Minister Boris Johnson that the Occult and Paranormal Research Division of Interpol was aware of his midnight meetings with zombie nosferatu that were going on in the ballroom of the newly opened Imperial Aurora Hotel in London and that it might be a good idea if he ceased these meetings for the time being.
A spy for Interpol at 10 Downing Street informed Interpol agent Peter Whitstable the head of the Occult and Paranormal Research Division of the warning from the MI-5 rogue agents which inspired messy haired Boris Johnson (who was still unaware of the invention of the comb that had taken place centuries earlier) to cancel further meetings.
Whitstable thus called an end to the Interpol sting operation at the Imperial Aurora Hotel which would have exposed the Johnson-zombie nosferatu meetings.
The Lakota Sioux Princess Tanaka returned to her flat in central London (she had rented a room right in the Imperial Aurora Hotel which would have allowed her close contact to the ballroom).
Dracul Van Helsing likewise returned to his flat in East London.
And Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun was currently at the Set Enterprises laboratory recovering from a massive hangover having drunk the contents of 1001 bottles of Hendrik’s Gin which successfully brought him back from the dead for the 2nd time in two months.
Van Helsing was soon off another mission however.
This one with the ghost of Orson Welles.
Van Helsing and Welles were to use the Houdini-Tesla-Pantages-Welles-Lamarr Magic Lantern to travel back in time to the year 1953.
Apparently Whitstable’s contacts at NASA told him that the great mathematician Alan Turing (who had developed the computing machine that cracked the Enigma Nazi Code) had in 1953 developed a computer whose purpose was to pick up signals from extraterrestrial life forms in the universe.
The computer for whatever reason was hidden inside a jukebox on a table in the office of a Chelsea cafe.
And then disappeared mysteriously just as MI-5 agents raided the cafe.
Now it was believed to be in the home of a Havana Cuba based Neo-Nazi billionaire Robur Pike according to the visions of DARPA’s psychic lobster Van Gogh’s All Hearing Ear (who was a distant cousin of Set Enterprises’ psychic lobster Michelangelo).
When asked for his analysis, Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster typing on his own waterproof laptop computer said that the Turing jukebox computer had been stolen in 1953 by the vampire Franz Kohler of the Nazi SS Ahnenerbe Occult Bureau.
Kohler had, according to Michelangelo, time traveled from this month and this year back to 1953 to steal the Turing jukebox computer just before MI-5 agents arrived at the Chelsea cafe to take control of the machine.
The solution was to send a time traveler back in time to grab the Turing jukebox computer before Kohler could do so.
Thus Van Helsing and Welles were on their way back to that Chelsea cafe in ’53.
Arriving on the scene, Van Helsing and Welles came face to face with:
Maria Orsic and The Turing Juke Box Computer
Maria Orsic was an immortal.
She was a medium who had been head of the German Vril Society.
Van Helsing had met her on a time traveling mission before when the vampire hunter had time traveled back to Washington DC in the late 1930s.
Welles’ ghost had recalled that Van Helsing had made out with Maria Orsic on that occasion.
“So, Van Helsing,” Maria Orsic smiled at him, “I suppose you’re hear to steal the Turing Jukebox Computer before the vampire Franz Kohler of the Nazi SS Ahnenerbe Occult Bureau arrives on the scene?”.
“I am,” Van Helsing nodded.
“But I think I better spank you first,” Maria produced a rather sturdy wooden hairbrush.
“I think you’re right,” Van Helsing started taking his clothes off.
“Not again,” Welles’ ghost moaned as he buried his ghostly head in his ghostly hands.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday February 23rd
2021.
Artemis At The Bank of Monte Carlo
Greek goddess Artemis at the Bank of Monte Carlo
Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing and Peter Whitstable (the man they call the Fox Mulder of Interpol) were trying to break into the vault of the Bank of Monte Carlo.
The reason?
The plans of George Soros, Bill Gates, Xi Jinping, World Economic Forum Chairman Klaus Schwab and the Egyptian deities Osiris and Horus for a totalitarian One World Government were locked away in the vault.
It was fortunate for Van Helsing and Whitstable that the Irish leprechaun Yaldabaoth happened to know the combination for the vault.
Over a month ago, Dracul Van Helsing and the Lakota Sioux Princess Tanaka managed to obtain the combination from Yaldabaoth during a secret meeting in Dublin Ireland.
Sadly at that meeting Yaldabaoth died from food poisoning (from food he recently ate at the Vatican) but only after he had given Van Helsing and Tanaka the combination.
Yaldabaoth’s body was now being kept on ice at the Set Enterprises’ laboratory in London England on the off chance Set Enterprises’ chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher might discover a formula for bringing a leprechaun back from the dead.
The only trouble is Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster occasionally crawled out of his aquarium and helped himself to some of the ice (that was preserving Yaldabaoth’s body) in order to add some ice to the glasses of lemonade shandy that he was drinking.
He was severely reprimanded by Sherrielock Holmes for doing this.
A reprimand that Michelangelo seemed to enjoy.
And thus he kept doing it.
But the little Michelangeloian escapades and Yaldabaoth’s preservation were helping to keep London ice makers in business.
Dracul Van Helsing looked at the Chinese fortune cookie slip that Yaldabaoth had given him.
That had the combination to the vault of the Bank of Monte Carlo written on it.
He tried the combination and the vault of the Bank of Monte Carlo opened.
A little groundhog called Monte Carlo Monte Cristo ran out of the vault door after it was opened.
“Do you suppose he saw his shadow?” Van Helsing asked Whitstable as the groundhog ran off into the night.
“Van Helsing,” Whitstable spoke in an exasperated voice, “Never mind the groundhog. Just find the Soros-Gates-Xi-Schwab-Osiris-Horus plans for World Domination.”
“Still it would be nice to know if we had six more weeks of winter,” Van Helsing noted, “After all today is Groundhog Day.”
“The plans, the plans!” Whitstable screamed.
“That reminds me of Tattoo the dwarf on the TV show Fantasy Island saying “The plane! The plane!”.” Van Helsing recalled.
“Just get the fucking plans!” Whitstable cursed.
Van Helsing noticed the plans marked Dante’s Inferno and grabbed them.
Yaldabaoth had said those were the Soros-Gates-Xi-Schwab-Osiris-Horus plans for World Domination.
After Van Helsing had grabbed the plans and stepped outside the vault, he noticed the Greek goddess Artemis sitting on a cushion not far from the vault.
“Well you’re a very naughty boy, Van Helsing,” Artemis smoothed her dress, “Stealing from the vault of the Bank of Monte Carlo. I think you better get across my lap so I can give you a good spanking.”
“I think you’re right,” Van Helsing took his clothes off and lay across Artemis’ knee.
“Van Helsing!” Whitstable screamed, “I think that fleeing groundhog tripped an alarm. The Monte Carlo Police cars seem to be arriving in the distance. Let’s get out of here!”.
“I’ve always got time for a spanking from Artemis,” Van Helsing remarked as the Greek goddess of the hunt began thoroughly walloping his backside with a wooden hairbrush.
The ghost of Orson Welles who had been keeping lookout outside the bank as soon as he heard the sound of wooden hairbrush striking human flesh decided to leave.
“I wonder if I’ll be like Bill Murray’s character of TV weatherman Phil Connors in the movie Groundhog Day and live this day over and over again,” Van Helsing commented as he was getting a thorough bottom blistering lying across Artemis’ sexy black silk nylon knees.
“I don’t want to live this day over and over again,” Whitstable remarked as he saw the Monte Carlo Police exit their vehicles.
Meanwhile out in the woods not far from the Bank, the groundhog Monte Carlo Monte Cristo crawled in the shadows.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday February 2nd
2021.
Hera At Versailles
The Greek goddess Hera at the Palace of Versailles during the reign of the Sun King
“So,” Set Enterprises’ eccentric scientist Dr. Marmalade Montague asked Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing, “I hear you’re able to travel back in time using the Pantages-Houdini-Tesla-Welles-Lamarr Magic Lantern?”.
“I can neither confirm nor deny that,” Van Helsing answered.
In his aquarium in the background, Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster held up a sign that read CONFIRMED.
“So,” Marmalade read the sign, “When I fell into a time warp when I was Chief Scientist and Head Alchemist To The Court of Louis Quatorze and wound up here in the decade of the 2020s, I left an important alchemical formula on my desk in my laboratory at the Palace of Versailles. I was wondering if you could go back in time and get it for me?”.
“Why can’t you go back in time and get it yourself?” Van Helsing inquired.
“Because the Hindu god Shiva informed me while I was standing in line once at an Indian buffet restaurant in London last year that if I ever engaged in time travel again, I’d disintegrate into a pod of peas hanging from a lotus flower,” Dr. Marmalade Montague replied.
“One wouldn’t want that unless one were a vegan vegetarian Transhumanist,” Van Helsing agreed.
“I don’t know if it was because I helped myself to the last 2 dozen pieces of butter chicken from a buffet tray before the chef brought some more as I was standing in line in front of Shiva or if Shiva really meant it,” Marmalade reflected.
“Well, as J. Robert Oppenheimer might say while putting on a trojan, it’s best to be on the safe side,” Van Helsing acknowledged.
And so Van Helsing went back in time to the Palace of Versailles during the reign of Louis XIV the Sun King.
He found the laboratory but as he entered the room a cat had knocked a piece of paper off the table which seemed to have elaborate drawings and formulae on it.
The paper was then eaten by a poodle.
“I hope that wasn’t the formula for turning lead into gold,” Van Helsing mused aloud.
He then found his way to the main dining room of Versailles where he encountered the Greek goddess Hera.
The Greek goddess Hera and Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing had made out on a couple of occasions.
Unbeknownst to the Greek god Zeus of course.
Otherwise Van Helsing might have disintegrated into ash as a result of having an Olympian thunder bolt thrown at him.
“Dracul,” Hera smiled at him.
“You must have time traveled from the 21st Century as well,” Van Helsing made a Holmes Sherlockian deduction, “because I never knew you during the Reign of the Sun King Louis Quatorze.”
“I did,” Hera nodded, “I time traveled from January 2021.”
“Same here,” Van Helsing stated.
“Did you know that a year ago Zeus asked Hades to release the spirit of Alexander the Great from the Underworld?” Hera inquired.
“It seems to me I heard something to that effect from the ghost of Orson Welles,” Van Helsing reflected.
“And now this January he’s asked Hades to release the spirit of the Syrian Greek King Antiochus Epiphanes (whose official title was King Antiochus IV ) from the Underworld,” Hera noted.
“Maybe Zeus is planning a major Abomination of Desolation with Pope Francis and they want Antiochus Epiphanes’ input into the matter,” Van Helsing said as a group of waiters walked by carrying trays loaded with roast pork.
“I’m so horny and frustrated by Zeus constantly ignoring me,” Hera sighed.
“Maybe I could help you with that,” Van Helsing took off his formal dinner jacket.
Soon Hera and Van Helsing were making out on top of the Royal Banquet table.
“Ah, I see they’re still setting up in here,” Louis XIV remarked to one of his mistresses as he poked his head in through the dining hall door, “Perhaps you’d like to come to my bedroom and I’ll show you my ceiling etchings of Zeus and Leto.”
At that moment the ghost of Orson Welles was bicyling backwards through time in the CERN Large Hadron Collidor Time Tunnel.
As he bicycled backwards in time through the time tunnel, the voice of Engelbert Humperdinck could be heard singing Les Bicyclettes de Belsize.
Welles’ ghost was eating a large spectral bagel as he cycled backwards through time.
Welles hoped that no one would mistake him for Hunter Biden son of Joe Biden as he was returning from Mass in the Presidential motorcade when he ordered the motorcade stopped so he could buy a bagel as he had come down with the munchies after having smoked a pipe of crack cocaine in the confessional booth.
Welles’ ghost arrived just in time to see Dracul and Hera making out on the Royal Banquet table.
“Woe is me,” Welles remarked as he drove his bicyle through the dining room window and on to the Versailles palace grounds.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday January 26th
2021.
Aphrodite At The Sherlockian Club In London
The Greek goddess Aphrodite at The Sherlockian Club in London
Aphrodite was sitting in one of the reading rooms at an exclusive men’s club in London.
Even though only men were allowed in the club, for some reason, none of the men present in the club this night objected to her being there.
The Sherlockian Club was founded well over a century ago in the year 1912 to honour the great British consulting detective Sherlock Holmes.
Its first President was one Winston Churchill a British MP and sometimes cabinet minister.
No wearing of masks and no social distancing went on at the Sherlockian Club.
That’s because its current President was one Renfield R. Renfield a British MP and sometime cabinet minister (whenever it was a minority government situation).
However none of the Sherlockian Club members got Covid, got sick or died.
The same couldn’t be said for one nursing home in Italy where there hadn’t been any deaths the past few years but as soon as all the nursing home residents were vaccinated with the Pfizer vaccine 2 weeks ago, 8 residents had dropped dead like flies the past 2 weeks.
And there was the stupendously great baseball player and baseball home run king Hank Aaron (one who didn’t use steroids to hit his record home runs like later players did) who publicly received the vaccine for Covid two weeks ago in an effort to show all Americans that the vaccine was safe.
Now today he was dead.
No doubt Joe Biden and Nancy Pelosi were offering prayers of thanks to Beelzebub that they had received the vaccine injections with the caps on.
Aphrodite was at the Sherlockian Club in London because her World Mythology and Folklore instructor at Oxford Prof. William Charles was going to read aloud a paper she wrote last year on the origins of the Demon Buffalo of Buffalo Lake.
Prof. William Charles in addition to being an Associate Professor of Mythology, Folklore, Vampirism, Lycanthropy and Paranormal Studies at Oxford University was a member of the Sherlockian Club.
As Aphrodite sat in one of the lounges of the Sherlockian Club waiting for Prof. William Charles’ speech to begin in the central dining hall
she soon found herself joined by Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing.
“I’m anxious to hear your paper on the Demon Buffalo of Buffalo Lake,” Dracul stated.
“Well, we’ve got an hour to kill before the lecture begins,” Aphrodite smiled, “Why don’t I give you a spanking and then we can make out?”.
“A splendid idea,” Van Helsing agreed.
30 minutes later the ghost of Orson Welles inadvertently walked into the room.
“Why does this always happen to me?” Welles’ ghost sighed once again playing the role of the ghostly voyeur.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday January 22nd
2021.
Lilith In The Graveyard Garden of Good and Evil
The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith in the graveyard garden of good and evil
British MP Renfield R. Renfield was doing another one of his Sunday night podcasts:
“Just an important historical note of interest, which if shown to be correct, will be noted by future historians.
Here’s the gist:
A final political showdown is coming January 6th as the U.S. Congress meets to elect CCP stooge Joe Biden as President.
The 1st American Civil War began on April 12th 1861 just 13 days after the previous Easter Sunday (March 31st 1861).
Will the 2nd American Civil War begin on January 7th 2021 just 13 days after the previous Christmas Day?
History has a strange way of balancing itself out in such occurrences.”
-Renfield R. Renfield British MP
. . .
The body of Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun was rushed from Dublin Ireland to London England by the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s eco-friendly environmentally friendly cannabis powered dirigible airship the High Calypso.
It was assumed that the cause of Yaldabaoth’s death was the Lakota Sioux Princess Tanaka wearing a killer outfit.
However after an operation carried out by a surgical suit wearing Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster wearing a surgical mask and using his surgical gloved lobster claws to perform an incision, it was determined that the cause of death was Yaldabaoth’s eating poisoned lutefisk.
After a quick check of the Irish High King Brian Boru’s Medieval Treatise On Leprechaun Ailments (a copy of which was found in the billionaire vampire Set’s library and rare book collection), apparently eating poisoned lutefisk was one of the few things that could kill a usually immortal leprechaun.
After visualizing London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes wearing a killer outfit (which caused his lobster tank to explode), Michelangelo went into a trance and saw the circumstances which led to Yaldabaoth’s death.
Apparently after visiting the CERN Large Hadron Collidor tunnel in Switzerland, Yaldabaoth had gone to Rome to see the Vatican’s ugly looking Nativity display (which was put up to welcome the arrival of an alien ET saviour who graduated with a degree in New York School of Art Abstract Surrealist and Neo-Modernist Studies).
After barfing all over the Vatican Nativity display, Yaldabaoth then wandered the halls of the Vatican.
At first he thought he had entered a gay bath house but after viewing classical and Renaissance works of art in the halls and on the walls, the wee leprechaun deduced that he was indeed inside the Vatican.
Yaldabaoth went into a room where some Vatican Cardinals had prepared a New Year’s Day feast for their fellow cardinal Robert Cardinal Sarah of Guinea the prefect of the Vatican Congregation For Divine Worship and The Discipline of the Sacraments.
The feast, which consisted of large portions of poisoned Norwegian lutefisk, had been made by a group of atheistic Marxist Cardinals hoping to bump off Cardinal Robert Sarah who was a devout Catholic Christian.
Yaldabaoth, who was starting to feel hungry after having previously barfed all over the Vatican’s Nativity display, then proceeded to eat up all the poisoned lutefisk.
And in so doing saved Robert Cardinal Sarah’s life.
. . .
The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith next to Edgar Allan Poe’s grave in the cemetery of the Westminster Presbyterian Church in Baltimore Maryland
The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith was kneeling in the cemetery of the Westminster Presbyterian Church in Baltimore, Maryland.
She was kneeling in front of Edgar Allan Poe’s grave.
A group of mischievous Irish leprecauns living in Baltimore had put up Irish Celtic crosses atop Poe’s grave and graves next to it that would have caused the Ulster Irish Presbyterian pastor Rev. Ian Paisley of Belfast Northern Ireland to pull his hair out if he had still been alive and seen it.
It was a moonlit night in Baltimore, as billionaire Elon Musk who had just built himself an artificial moon and was giving a full moon trial test run over Baltimore on this lovely windswept evening, and so the moonlight shone down on top of Lilith in front of Poe’s burial place.
The artificial full moonlight of Elon Musk’s artificial moon was causing mysterious looking red roses to grow all over the cemetery.
A raven flew down atop Poe’s gravemarker and croaked “Nevermore”.
Indeed it would be the last time the Raven would croak Nevermore for he croaked shortly thereafter.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday December 3rd
2021.
Lakota Sioux Princess Tanaka Meets Yaldabaoth The Irish Leprechaun
The Lakota Sioux Princess Tanaka In Dublin
Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing and the Lakota Sioux Princess Tanaka had taken one of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s eco-friendly environmentally friendly cannabis powered dirigible airships -this one called the High Calypso- from London England to Dublin Ireland.
They were going to meet Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun.
What brought the meeting about was that Dracul had heard from Peter Whitstable the man they call the Fox Mulder of Interpol that the plans of the Egyptian god Osiris, his son Horus, George Soros, Bill Gates and Klaus Schwab for a One World government were locked inside the vault of the Bank of Monte Carlo.
They could break into the Bank of Monte Carlo vault but to do that they’d need the advice of two people Sean Connery and Catherine Zeta-Jones who played two master thieves in the 1999 movie Entrapment where they stole $8 billion dollars from the International Clearance Bank in the North Tower of the Petronas Towers in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.
Sadly however actor Sean Connery had passed away last year and not so sadly actress Catherine Zeta-Jones was very busy keeping actor Michael Douglas very happy indeed.
However after consulting a crystal ball (which was actually a snow globe showing Lucy meeting the faun Mr. Tumnus carrying an umbrella and wrapped Christmas presents in the snowy woods of the land of Narnia), Whitstable had a vision that Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun knew the combination to the vault of the Bank of Monte Carlo.
After phoning Yaldabaoth, Whitstable discovered that was indeed the case.
So now, Dracul Van Helsing and the Lakota Sioux Princess Tanaka were at their rendezvous location in Dublin where they would be presented by Yaldabaoth with the combination to the Bank of Monte Carlo vault.
The combination number would be inside a fortune cookie slip inside a Chinese fortune cookie that Yaldabaoth would give to them along with a take out order of Guinness soaked sweet and sour spareribs.
The Lakota Sioux Princess Tanaka: Wearing a killer outfit.
When Yaldabaoth saw Tanaka, the first thing he said was, “Wow. That’s really a killer outfit you’re wearing.”
He then keeled over and fell to the ground sending both the fortune cookie and the take out order of Guinness soaked sweet and sour spareribs flying.
Dracul immediately rushed over and felt Yaldabaoth’s pulse.
He then looked up at Tanaka, “Wow. That really must be a killer outfit you’re wearing. He’s dead.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday January 2nd
2021.
Tanaka and Dracul On New Year’s Day 2021
The Lakota Sioux Princess Tanaka was waiting for Dracul Van Helsing outside the British Museum in London
“Do you realize you and I seem to be the only people in London who are not wearing masks?” Tanaka mentioned as Dracul approached.
“Which for us is probably a good thing,” Dracul pointed out, “For a maskless Renfield R. Renfield is also out walking the streets of London today. Having had too many martinis last night, he’s walking around carrying a taser and tasering anybody who’s wearing a mask calling them “losers” and “disciples of the New World Order”. At least we won’t be tasered.”
“So why did you want to meet me outside the British Museum?” Tanaka asked.
“Because according to a text message I received last night from Peter Whitstable the man they call the Fox Mulder of Interpol, Karl Marx’s ghost was seen by museum security guards last night. Since I have no desire to meet Karl Marx’s ghost (unlike most U.S. Democratic Party politicians and 99.9% of those who work at the Vatican), I decided to choose the daytime to meet outside the British Museum,” Dracul explained.
“You’re a strange one, Dracul,” Tanaka smiled, “But in the good sense of that word.”
“You know speaking of strange,” Dracul said, “I just found out that a good friend of mine when she was a girl started out the day reading Jane Austen’s Persuasion and then met the next door neighbour boy whom she had never officially met before and then ended up stealing the boy’s aunt’s panties with the boy and placed it in various places which she compared to a dragon discovering that people could be set on fire when he breathed on them and that somehow the dragon found that deliciously humourous. And so did she on what she had done that day.”
“Yes, you do seem to have a habit of attracting the strange ones and vice-versa,” Tanaka noted.
“I seem to drive the character of Mole crazy in my Wind In The Willows dreams,” Dracul recalled, “although what Toad of Toad Hall thinks of me, he doesn’t say. He’s too busy driving the latest motorcycle or motorcar or motorboat.”
“Dracul, shut up,” Tanaka finally said exasperated.
“Okay,” Dracul fell silent.
“What did you want to see me about?” Tanaka asked.
“Did you know that, prior to Pope Gregory XIII introducing his Gregorian Calendar to replace the old Julian calendar in 1582, that New Year’s Day used to be celebrated on April 1st and not January 1st?” Dracul inquired.
“I did not know that,” Tanaka answered.
“It was on the night of October 4th 1582 that Gregory introduced the Gregorian calendar and the next morning on what would have been October 5th on the old Julian calendar, the calendar jumped ahead 10 days to October 15th. The change was immediately adopted by the people of Spain and its colonies, the people of Portugal and its colonies, the united Commonwealth of Poland and Lithuania and almost all of Italy. The Holy Roman Empire shortly followed. The Protestant states of Europe with their horror of anything that smacked of Popery adopted the calendar more slowly. Prussia finally accepted it in 1610. Britain itself along with its colonies only adopted the Gregorian Calendar in 1750. Thus England was ridiculed by other states as “Fools” for not adopting the calendar and the New Year’s Day of April 1st was referred to as April Fool’s Day. Hence our origin of the term April Fool’s Day.”
“That’s all very interesting, Dracul,” Tanaka nodded, “And this is what you were so anxious to tell me?”.
“I only found all that out this morning,” Dracul explained, “But what really hit me was the date in 1582 that these “new times” came into effect – October 4th,” Dracul went on, “This explains why Pope Francis chose October 4th (in this case October 4th 2019) as the date he brought the Pachamama idol into the Vatican. It’s all tied in with the Great Reset of the global occultist Freemasons and their bastard children the Nazi/Fascists and the Communists. They’re seeking to change times and laws (Daniel 7:25) and tying it in with the Abomination of Desolation (Daniel 9:27).”
“You know, Dracul,” Tanaka smiled, “You strike me as being more like Fox Mulder than even Peter Whitstable is.”
“And will you be my Dana Scully?” Dracul asked.
“What are the benefits to being your Dana Scully?” Tanaka asked.
Dracul showed her.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday January 1st
2021.
