Kwan Yin, Dracul Van Helsing, Renfield and Pope Francis

September 16, 2017 at 5:56 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Kwan Yin, Dracul Van Helsing, Renfield and Pope Francis

Kwan Yin stood outside the Prince of Wales Hotel on Upper Waterton Lake.

The Buddhist Goddess of Mercy was wearing a long flowing white dress.

But she was invisible to the Calgary Fire 🔥 Department firefighters standing guard outside the hotel.

As the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith approached in the wind driving the fire towards the hotel, Kwan Yin stood holding a lotus flower 🌺in her hand.

When Lilith, wind and fire got to within 100 metres of the Prince of Wales Hotel, Kwan Yin gently blew lotus petals off the lotus flower 🌺 in the direction of Lilith, wind and fire.

Lilith immediately fell on her ass with the fire singeing the hem of her scarlet red evening dress.

“Bitch,” Lilith fumed at Kwan Yin.

“The kraken Tutsokiua must not be allowed to arise from his sleep at the bottom of Upper Waterton Lake just yet,” Kwan Yin’s voice was the supreme melody of gentleness in feminine speech.

The Buddhist Goddess of Mercy then vanished leaving Lilith to fume and smoulder along with the ashes and cinders in her hair.

. . .

North Korean despot Kim Jong-un sat in his garden surrounded by fountains, roses and piles of human skulls.

He sat on the ground in lotus position wondering how he’d ever get up again and sang a now virtually forgotten Elvis 🕺 Presley song from the mid-1960s,

“Tell me just how can I take this yoga serious
When all it ever gives to me is a pain in my posterior-us…”

Kim Jong-un made a mental note to himself to have his yoga instructor shot the next day.

In his right hand, he held a daisy flower.

The dictator was awaiting the arrival of Ahriman the Persian Zoroastrian god of evil.

As he waited, Kim pulled a petal off the daisy, saying about Donald Trump, “He loves me…”

Then with the next daisy petal pulled off, he’d say, “He loves me not…”

By the time Ahriman finally arrived, Kim had pulled the final petal off the daisy, “He loves me not…”

. . .

“What’s on your mind, Dracul?” The British Transhumanist Member of Parliament Renfield R. Renfield asked the Canadian vampire hunter.

“Well,” Dracul Van Helsing responded, “I was at a site last night which had a link that I clicked on and the link was to the on-line papal encyclical Laudato Si. It was getting late so I only read the first few paragraphs.
Now I’ve read many other Papal Encyclicals before- those written by Leo XIII, St. Pius X, Pope Pius XI, Pope Pius XII, St. John Paul II and Pope Benedict XVI.
And I must say after reading the first few paragraphs of Pope Francis’ Laudato Si, I felt like I was reading the opening paragraphs of a badly written Grade 7 Junior High School essay rather than the opening paragraphs of a papal encyclical.”

“Maybe in Pope Francis’ case, they amount to the same thing,” Renfield suggested.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday September 16th
2017.

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Boxing and The Supernatural

August 26, 2017 at 7:08 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, News, Sports, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Boxing and The Supernatural

Dracul Van Helsing was sitting in a London sports bar with the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec and the Venezuelan vampiress Francesca Chavez.

Renfield R. Renfield MP had come into the bar to watch the Conor McGregor vs. Floyd Mayweather Fight.

When he saw Dracul with the two elegantly dressed vampiresses, he turned around and left.

“I refuse to be around any ménage a trois where I’m not part of the ménage or the trois,” Renfield remarked bitterly as he walked out the door.

Dracul meanwhile was reading up about Conor McGregor’s sudden breakthrough into UFC fighting on a night in Sweden back in 2013.

And now here McGregor was in his first professional boxing 🥊 match.

He looked at McGregor’s picture and then thought of an email that Peter Whitstable the Fox Mulder of Interpol had sent him 8 years ago.

Here’s the background to that Whitstable email 8 years ago:

http://thevampiresamurai.blogspot.ca/2009/07/gordon-black-donnelly.html?m=1

Dracul told Qonzilqointec and Francesca about that email.

“So, what do you think?” Qonzilqointec asked Dracul, “Do you think this McGregor is Donelly?”.

“Yes, do you?” Francesca asked, “and if he is, that means he has boxed before.”

“I don’t know,” Van Helsing shrugged, “but it makes for an interesting story.”

Unbeknownst to the ménage a trois trio, French President Emmanuel Macron (on a private incognito visit to London) was sitting in the booth behind them listening to what they were saying.

He quickly exited and ran from the sports bar back to his hotel to pour some Grecian Formula on his hair as his hair had suddenly turned gray.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday August 26th
2017.

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The Venezuelan Vampiress Francesca Chavez

August 24, 2017 at 3:38 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, Romance, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

The Venezuelan vampiress Francesca Chavez sat in her hotel room in Caracas Venezuela.

To live in a five-star hotel in Caracas was the only place worth living in Venezuela ever since the disastrous Nicolas Maduro assumed power as President of the country back in 2013.

Francesca Chavez herself was a 1st cousin 3 x removed of the late former Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez.

She herself had supported Chavez but had thought Maduro would turn out to be a Venezuelan Stalin.

And currently Maduro was well on his way to becoming one.

Francesca Chavez had become a vampiress back in April of this year after a night of erotic lesbian lovemaking with the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec.

Unbeknownst to either woman, the encounter had been filmed by Renfield R. Renfield (“strictly for sociological purposes” as Renfield explained to his friend Amadeus Emanon when he caught him watching the video).

Renfield and the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec had been in Venezuela at the time plotting a coup to overthrow Nicolas Maduro.

The trip and coup planning were cut short when British Prime Minister Theresa May called a snap UK General Election and Renfield returned home to run as a candidate for the British Transhumanist Party.

Now Britain’s MI-6 had sent Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing to Caracas Venezuela on a fact finding mission to determine just how bad the political situation in Venezuela currently was.

Van Helsing entered the hotel room and saw the Venezuelan vampiress Francesca Chavez sitting there:
Venezuelan Vampiress Francesca Chavez
Van Helsing stood there totally transfixed.

“Hello there,” Francesca threw back her blonde hair and smiled at him, “how shall we start?”.

“Well,” said Van Helsing, “you can start by taking me across your lap and giving me a bare bottom spanking.”

“All right,” she said somewhat taken aback, “if that’s how MI-6 conducts business these days.”

“It is under my watch,” Van Helsing answered.

So that is what then happened.

. . .

British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield was trying to contact Dracul Van Helsing on his mobile phone to get an update on the political situation in Venezuela prior to Renfield giving a speech to the UK Parliamentary House Committee On Foreign Affairs.

But he couldn’t get a hold of him.

“I imagine he’s up to something kinky with the Venezuelan vampiress Francesca Chavez,” Renfield remarked angrily to Amadeus.

“And you’re naturally jealous because it isn’t you instead,” Amadeus remarked quietly while munching on potato chips.

“That’s besides the point,” Renfield harrumphed.

Renfield went down to the Committee meeting and instead of speaking on Venezuela, he spoke on the removal of Confederate statues in the U.S. instead.

Said Renfield,

Pat Buchanan has called the groups wanting to remove Confederate statues in the U.S. the Secular Socialistic Taliban (the Taliban of course blew up ancient statues of Buddha in Afghanistan and ISIS destroyed an ancient Temple at Palmyra). The Secular Socialistic Taliban operate under the delusion that the sole reason for the Civil War was slavery (ignoring Lincoln’s own statement that he himself would preserve slavery if it would preserve the Union- he only sought to openly abolish slavery after the Southern states voted to secede anyways)- conveniently forgetting that another reason for the Civil War was the huge tariffs northern states were slapping on products of southern states.
Now the Secular Socialistic Taliban are opening up their stupid brainless mouths up in Canada wanting to remove the name Sir John A. MacDonald from all schools in Ontario (Sir John A. MacDonald was Canada’s first Prime Minister) claiming MacDonald practiced genocide against Canada’s indigenous people- a lie of course. But then groups like Antifa and their Secular Socialistic Taliban allies believe lies as much as the Ku Klux Klan and Neo-Nazis do.

The remarks did not go over well with the rest of the MPs on the committee who like most politicians were gutless and spineless when it came to political correctness.

Renfield received an angry phone call from Canada’s liberal progressive cultural Marxist Prime Minister Justin Trudeau who did not like what was said in the remarks to the UK Foreign Affairs Committee.

Renfield told Mr. Trudeau, “Go fuck yourself.”

To which a stunned Justin Trudeau said, “I don’t think that’s physically possible.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday August 24th
2017.

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London Swings Like A Pendulum Do: The Tower of Big Ben

August 17, 2017 at 8:13 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Espionage, Mystery, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Romance, Science-Fiction, The Supernatural, Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , , )

London Swings Like A Pendulum Do: The Tower of Big Ben

Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing had received an urgent text message from the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec.

Apparently Qonzilqointec had always wanted to make out underneath the bell of Big Ben in the famous London clock tower that people also called by that name.

Now the Aztec vampiress had just found out that the Big Ben clock tower would be undergoing renovations for the next 4 years and the bell would fall silent following the chimes at noon next Monday August 21st.

She asked Dracul to meet her underneath the bell at the clock tower between 7 and 8 tonight so they could make out.

“I’ve got to go,” Dracul explained the whole situation to Amadeus Emanon whom he was having tea ☕️ with.

Dracul exited the tea shop.

Amadeus’ iPhone went off.

“Hello?” Amadeus answered.

“Hello, Amadeus?” It was Renfield R. Renfield, “I’ve lost Dracul’s mobile phone number. Is he still there with you?”.

“No, he’s gone to the Tower of Big Ben to make out with the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec underneath the bell since they’re going to silence the bell for the next 4 years starting next Monday,” Amadeus unwrapped and ate a chocolate covered peanut shaped replica of the Dr. Who TARDIS Police Call Box Public Phone Booth.

“Wow, some guys have all the fun,” Renfield remarked as the Simon and Garfunkel song The Sounds of Silence played on the radio behind him.

. . .

Cardinal Walter Kasper was walking through the halls of the Vatican when a statue of Our Lady of Fatima crashed down right beside him.

“Oh well,” Cardinal Kasper looked at his watch ⌚️ 7:06 PM, “No great loss.”

. . .

The great South African artist SAREJESS was having another dream.

He dreamed that the Tower of Big Ben in London was sending out a great searchlight signal that read 1001 Positions of the Kama Sutra.

He saw Dr. Who’s TARDIS Police Call Box Public Phone Booth flying through the air.

He saw the Greek god Ares dressed in a full suit of armour prepared for war and sailing on the Ship of Hades (a ship he had recently painted a few weeks ago) at sea.

He saw North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un wearing a top hat 🎩, tux, tails and cane and tap dancing while holding hands with Bob Hope and Bing Crosby singing Thanks For The Memory while the clock struck midnight at Rick’s Cafe Americain in Casablanca.

He saw Donald Trump shampooing his hair and a barrel of monkeys falls out of it.

He saw the three-headed dog Cerberus biting a scythe holding Father Time on the buttocks.

He saw Ares trying to shove a large tornado shaped vortex into a small bottle.

He saw a red dress wearing red headed woman standing in the middle of snow ❄️ in the middle of a forest and firing two unusual looking armed weapons.

The woman (although a redhead) looked like Serena the blonde he had seen in the room with Belvedere on the 2nd floor of The Wild Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon in that dream he had a few weeks ago where an Egyptian Pharaoh looking Orson Welles had come out of a Cuckoo Clock on the room’s wall.

. . .

British Prime Minister Theresa May was just walking below the clock tower of Big Ben at Westminster when a pair of very sexy red lingerie Victoria’s Secret panties fell down on top of her head.

“Nice looking panties, Mrs. May,” British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield remarked as he walked by.

“They’re not mine,” Mrs. May’s blushing 😊 red face could not be seen under the red panties.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday August 17th
2017.

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Dracul Van Helsing and Cassandra Sibylline In Rome

August 6, 2017 at 3:37 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Canadian vampire hunter and MI-6 Diablos Nocturna Division spy Dracul Van Helsing had received a lengthy email from his friend Peter Whitstable the man they called the Fox Mulder of Interpol.

According to Whitstable’s information and sources, the Norse wolf Fenrir had apparently thrown up the head of Hecate (the Greek goddess of witchcraft) on the Temple Mount.

The regurgitation of the witchly head had led to rioting and fighting between Jews and Palestinians on the Temple Mount.

When it was time for supper, both Jews and Palestinians went home leaving the Temple Mount vacant.

It was during this brief interlude of quiet that a Jesuit priest by the name of Father Mundum Contra Athanasius (who was one of Pope Francis’ leading theological advisers) found the head and took it back to Rome with him.

Peter Whitstable was now wondering what had happened to the head.

He suspected that one of Rome’s leading spiritist mediums Cassandra Sibylline (who served as psychic adviser to many of the Curia based Cardinals in Rome) might possibly know where the head of Hecate now was.

“I think you’d enjoy meeting Cassandra Sibylline,” Whitstable had told Van Helsing, “I want you to meet with her and use your Adonis like charm to get her to tell you where the head of Hecate is now located.”

Van Helsing looked at his watch.

This was the spot all right.

The ancient stairwell near the Fountain of Caligula.

And there she was.

Cassandra Sibylline in all her vestal virgin glory.
Cassandra Sibylline On Steps of Ancient Roman Stairwell

“So you want to know where the head of Hecate is now located, do you, Mr. Van Helsing?” She laughed, “I refuse to talk.”

“We have ways of making you talk,” Van Helsing quoted a Nazi villain from those old time movies.

He mounted Cassandra Sibylline on the steps right then and there and made wild passionate love to her.

A group of Japanese tourists on a tour bus just above them had a field day taking pictures of the event and posting them to Facebook and Instagram.

“All right, all right,” she gasped after she had orgasmed for the 1001st time, “the head of Hecate was given to Cardinal JM (the member of the College of Cardinals who worships the ancient Greek god Zeus). He placed the head behind the High Altar of Saint Peter’s Basilica.”

“Unholy abomination of desolation, Batman,” Dracul Van Helsing paraphrased Robin the Boy Wonder from the old 1960s TV series Batman.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday August 6th
2017.

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The Hamburg G-20 and Renfield’s Return To Britain

July 9, 2017 at 5:31 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

The Hamburg G-20 and Renfield’s Return To Britain

At the recent G-20 Summit in Hamburg, Germany, a protestor shouted at Donald Trump, “Your daughter Ivanka would make a better President than you.”

To which the Donald responded much to the protestor’s shock, “You’re probably right.”

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was then asked by a protestor, “If I shot and killed a U.S. soldier, would you give me $10.5 million like your government gave Omar Khadr?”.

“You don’t understand this is a Canadian Charter of Rights issue,” Justin blubbered before taking his shirt off to pose for a selfie with a young pretty German fräulein.

“Are you sure this wasn’t just a major bimbo eruption on the part of your government?” The Niburuan ET gray Gali-Gula asked him.

Justin gave him the finger.

Gali-Gula looked down and thought to himself, “That’s what I get for wearing this I Love Alberta t-shirt that I bought on my recent trip to Alberta.”

A Canadian reporter in the crowd remembered the words of wisdom that the learned historical archivist Jack Morrow (son of the late 1st Chief Justice of the Northwest Territories Mr. Justice W.G. Morrow) said at the time that Pierre Elliot Trudeau repatriated the Canadian Constitution with an entrenched Charter of Rights back in 1982, “Well now that the overaged Marxist flower child Pierre has repatriated the Constitution with an entrenched Charter of Rights, soon the only Canadians with rights left in the country will be criminals and perverts.”

With the awarding of $10.5 million to the terrorist Omar Khadr by the Justin Trudeau government, the learned Jack Morrow’s prophecy had come true.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel was asked how she enjoyed the sauerkraut and sausages in Hamburg.

“Loved it,” she replied.

. . .

Newly elected British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield had finally returned to Britain after what he described “as a successful personal Tour de France.”

“What was the purpose of your visit to France?” A reporter asked the new politician described as “Britain’s most dynamic ” in comparison to such fossils as Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn.

“To establish better relations with the French people,” Renfield shoved some condoms back in his pants pocket that seemed to insist on falling out.

“What political figure do you most feel a kinship to?” Another reporter asked.

“John F. Kennedy,” Renfield finally got the condoms back in place.

“What did you think of the anti-capitalist protestors at the G-20 Summit in Hamburg?” A BBC reporter asked Renfield.

“They should have used real cannons on them instead of water cannons,” Renfield replied.

“What do you think of Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau?” A Globe and Mail reporter asked Renfield.

“The man’s a total ass,” Renfield answered, “It’s my friend Dracul Van Helsing who really should be Prime Minister of Canada.”

Watching the press conference on television, the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec inwardly agreed.

Somehow she’d find a way to make Dracul Van Helsing Prime Minister of Canada.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday July 9th
2017.

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Qonzilqointec On 70th Anniversary of Roswell UFO Crash

July 7, 2017 at 6:50 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Qonzilqointec On 70th Anniversary of Roswell UFO Crash

French UFO researcher Jacques Vallee was sipping cognac and reflecting on how it was 70 years ago today that a UFO flying saucer was said to have crashed on a ranch near the town of Roswell New Mexico.

Later the crashed vehicle was said to be just a downed weather balloon.

Although others had speculated that the crashed vehicle was a self-conscious self-aware Hoover vacuum cleaner that had a premonitory vision of the message implied in Richard Bach’s 1970s bestseller Jonathan Livingston Seagull.

Vallee didn’t know what to think about the incident.

ET better phone the nearest American Automobile Association Auto Club, was that what happened ? Vallee wondered.

His housekeeper entered the room to tell Vallee about two phone calls for him.

Mikhail Gorbachev was on Line 1 and Pope Francis was on Line 2.

. . .

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was currently attending the G-20 Summit in Hamburg Germany.

As he munched on his Hamburg hamburger alongside German Chancellor Angela Merkel, he reflected on the huge gaffe he had made in Ottawa at last weekend’s Canada Day 150th Anniversary.

He had mentioned every province and territory in Canada in his Canada Day speech except the province of Alberta (the home of famous Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing).

When he left the stage and was informed of his gaffe, he came back and said, “I love you, Alberta” and blew a kiss at the TV cameras causing a wide-eyed teen-aged girl in the crowd (whose name was Alberta) to swoon and faint.

Trudeau’s failure to mention Alberta had angered some Albertans who still remembered Justin’s father Pierre Elliot Trudeau’s energy wars of the 1970s and early 1980s with then Alberta Premier Peter Lougheed over control of the province’s oil and natural gas resources.

Pierre Trudeau’s National Energy Program (NEP) had siphoned billions of dollars from Alberta’s provincial coffers into his own federal government’s treasury.

After bringing in the NEP and figuratively giving Albertans the finger, Pierre Trudeau then literally gave Albertans the finger while crossing through the Province’s Rocky Mountains by train.

Justin Trudeau’s neglect in mentioning Alberta by name at the Canada 150 celebrations in the Canadian nation’s capital of Ottawa struck some Albertans as the son’s equivalent of the father’s giving them the finger.

But really, Justin reflected, it was an accident.

An accident caused by the ET gray from Nibiru named Gali-Gula making funny faces at him while he was speaking.

Justin had promised to legalize marijuana during the 2015 Canadian federal election campaign- a promise which won him numerous seats in British Columbia’s Lower Mainland.

After winning the election, Justin started his own personal one man investigation into the after effects of smoking marijuana.

And whenever he smoked pot, those were the only times that Gali-Gula (the ET gray from Nibiru whose body was possessed by the ghost of the late earthling ancient Roman Emperor Caligula) appeared to him.

Justin had resolved not to smoke any pot ahead of the Canada 150 celebrations.

That way he wouldn’t be seeing Gali-Gula and he also wouldn’t anger the crowd by eating up all the hot dogs at the hot dog stand when he got the munchies.

The trouble was when he got up on the stage, some in the crowd were celebrating Canada’s 150th birthday by smoking pot themselves and Justin had the misfortune of inhaling much of the smoke.

So then Gali-Gula appeared to him just as he was about to mention Alberta by name.

Gali-Gula stuck two fingers in both his ears and then stuck his tongue out making a funny face at the Canadian Prime Minister.

This action on the ET gray’s part totally discombobulated Justin and he forgot to mention Alberta.

Later when Justin came back and said, “I love you, Alberta”, Gali-Gula decided to fly to Alberta and land on the UFO Flying Saucer landing pad in the town of Saint Paul, Alberta built in Canada’s centennial year of 1967.

Gali-Gula’s UFO driving narrowly missed making an omelette out of the world’s largest Ukrainian coloured Easter egg near the town of Vegreville, Alberta and narrowly missed making shredded duck out of the statue of the world’s largest duck outside the town of Andrew, Alberta.

“So,” Chancellor Angela said to Prime Minister Justin over his hamburger rousing him from his thoughts, “I said to Donald, either pee or get off the pot.”

. . .

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec walked the streets of Roswell New Mexico.

She wore a black dress in mourning for the lives lost at Roswell 70 years ago.

Her Samsung mobile phone rang.

She answered.

It was Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing phoning.

They chatted.

Suddenly Qonzilqointec could hear the sounds of gunfire coming from the other end of the phone.

“Dracul, what’s happening?” Qonzilqointec asked.

“Some assassins tried to shoot me,” Dracul answered, “but I shot and killed them first with my Uzi sub machine gun that was given to me as a gift by the host of the Israeli reality TV series Battle of The Rabbis: Orthodox vs. Reformed vs. Conservative vs. Golda’s Uncle’s Lox and Cream Cheese Bagel Worshiping Cult.”

“Who were the assassins?” Qonzilqointec asked, “Agents sent by an evil Transylvanian baron from his lair in the Carpathians?”.

“No,” Dracul replied, “They were operatives from the CPL.”

“CPL?” Qonzilqointec queried.

“The Calgary Public Library,” Dracul answered, “They claimed I forgot to return a book. But it wasn’t true. The only book I ever borrowed from them was an Archie comic book graphic novel called Afterlife With Archie about Jughead Jones leading a zombie apocalypse attack on the community of Riverdale. But I returned it. I even have a receipt slip showing that I did. But Calgary Public Library operatives’ instructions are to shoot first and ask questions later.”

“I see,” Qonzilqointec sighed sadly.

“So you’re at Roswell eh?” Dracul asked.

“Yes,” Qonzilqointec nodded, “wondering what happened here 70 years ago?”.

“Maybe some poor snook ET gray forgot to return a book to the Calgary Public Library so CPL operatives fired a surface-to-air missile that hit his craft just above Roswell New Mexico,” Dracul speculated.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday July 7th 2017.

Qonziqointec In Mourning For Roswell Crash Victims
The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec in mourning for the victims of the Roswell crash.

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Dracul, Aphrodite and Ares

June 18, 2017 at 3:45 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Romance, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

When Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing returned to his office at MI-6 Diablos Nocturna Division Headquarters, he was surprised to see the Greek goddess Aphrodite sitting there waiting for him.

“Aphrodite,” Dracul said, “What a pleasant surprise. Have you brought more news about Hephaestus?”.

“No,” Aphrodite shook her head, “Hephaestus has given up building missiles for North Korea’s Kim Jong-un. He’s now working on building incredible machines for a steampunk genre sci-fi film about Jack the Ripper escaping down the Thames River in a submarine.”

“I’ll have to see that movie when it comes out,” said Dracul.

“Have you seen the new Wonder Woman film?” Aphrodite asked.

“Not yet,” said Dracul, “but I’d like to. It sounds like an excellent film judging from the reviews. It’s set against the background of the First World War which I’ve recently started studying. The First World War is often overshadowed by World War II and yet World War II would not have happened without the events set in motion during World War I.”

“Do you know what the film is about?” The goddess asked.

“Diana battling Ares the god of war,” Dracul answered.

“Yes, and the film seems to be somewhat prophetic,” Aphrodite stated, “my brother Ares is now under the impression that he should really start World War III at the moment.”

“Well, all the chess pieces are certainly now in place,” Dracul conceded, “Vladimir Putin is in the Middle East, Donald Trump is in the Oval Office, Kim Jong-un is in the nuthouse playground building missiles, Saudi Arabia and Iran are now making war noises against one another, and an airhead is now Prime Minister of the British Empire.”

“That’s about it,” said Aphrodite.

Dracul Van Helsing alerted Peter Whitstable the Fox Mulder of Interpol as to the Greek war god’s plans.

“Anything else?” Dracul inquired of Aphrodite.

“Have you been a good boy this past week?” Aphrodite asked him.

“No, I haven’t,” Dracul admitted, “I’ve been a very naughty boy.”

“Well then,” Aphrodite smoothed her skirt, “you better get across my knee and I’ll give you a good spanking.”
The Greek Goddess Aphrodite

Dracul did so.

Aphrodite gave him a good spanking.

And then they made wild passionate love afterwards.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday June 18th
2017.

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Qonzilqointec, Dracul and The Dolphins

June 16, 2017 at 4:45 pm (Romance, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec In Brighton

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec was anxiously waiting for Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing in her Brighton seaside resort hotel.room.

When he entered, she turned swiftly around in her slit skirted peach evening dress and threw out her arms towards him, “Dracul.”

Dracul ran towards her.

They embraced.

Soon Dracul and the Aztec vampire princess were down on the elegant French style sofa making wild passionate love.

On the television in the next room, BBC News TV cameras were focused on the swearing-in of new Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds MP Renfield R. Renfield.

“Mr. Renfield, is it true that you’re the greatest lover in Britain?” A reporter asked Renfield.

“Yes, it is,” Renfield answered.

Meanwhile in Brighton, Qonzilqointec was having the mother of all orgasms.

Renfield turned to his parliamentary aide behind him, “I hate to lie on my first day in office. See what we can do about deporting Dracul Van Helsing out of the country.”

Later down on the Brighton beach, Qonzilqointec and Dracul were making love in the sand.

“Isn’t this what Olivia Newton John and John Travolta did in Grease?” Qonzilqointec moaned in ecstasy.

“I think it was Brylcreem rather than ordinary grease that Travolta used,” Dracul answered with the heaving and pounding of the waves on the beach that matched the heaving and pounding of vampire hunter and vampiress.

Soon as the waves surrounded them and Qonzilqointec shouted, “My God, I’ve never felt so wet,” a pod of dolphins surrounded them.

“Look,” said Qonzilqointec, “we have an audience.”

“Dolphins in Brighton,” Dracul said, “that doesn’t happen very often.”

“They’ve come to watch our lovemaking,” Qonzilqointec sighed

“Never thought I’d end up a High School Biology teacher for dolphins,” Dracul remarked.

And the show went on for hours.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday June 16th
2017.

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Yet Another UK Campaign Debate With Renfield

June 2, 2017 at 4:20 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec was visiting Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing over in England.

They decided to drive up to the town of Tewkesbury to see British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative candidate Renfield R. Renfield in action.

Renfield’s campaign debate comments and antics had become the talk of the British nation in what was otherwise a very dull election campaign.

At his most recent campaign debate, he had held up a very realistic looking replica severed head of American comedian Kathy Griffin.

Qonzilqointec and Dracul had arrived at the town hall in Tewkesbury just in time for the debate to begin.

The subject of the debate was the United Kingdom’s Place In The Modern World.

Renfield wore a t-shirt with a photoshopped picture of himself peering out from the knockers of Demi Lovato wearing a low-cut dress.

When the subject came to the issue of Anglo-Latin American relations, Renfield suddenly dashed behind a changing screen.

He then returned wearing a tight-fitting flashy matador’s costume and hat.

He grabbed the microphone and began singing his own personal paraphrase of an old Tom Jones song:

That young new Mexican puppeteer
all the people they all lived in fear
of that young new Mexican puppeteer
He took some fire and he took some wood
he made a puppet and he looked good
and played strings like only a puppeteer could…

“He must be singing about my spiritual godfather Quetzalcoatl when he showed up in Mexico centuries ago,” Qonzilqointec whispered to Dracul Van Helsing.

“Only Renfield can come up with a song that’s better than the original,” Dracul answered.

“Madame Chairwoman,” sitting incumbent British Conservative MP Agathor Christie got up from his chair and angrily addressed debate moderator Sherrielock Holmes, “I really must strenuously object to Candidate Renfield’s comments and antics during these Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds constituency campaign debates. He’s making me look positively boring by comparison.”

“Agathor,” Sherrielock Holmes admonished, “Even if you were in a room all by yourself, you’d still look positively boring by comparison.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday June 2nd
2017.

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