Lepardia Marango and The Outdoor Concert
Lepardia Marango and The Outdoor Concert
Lepardia Marango the cultural attaché at the South African Embassy in London checked how she looked before heading out to an outdoor concert at Saint James’ Park in the City of Westminster, central London.
The outdoor concert was being put on by the VW Love Bug Herbies a group of Beatles impersonators.
The concert was to commemorate today’s 50th anniversary of the most famous record cover album photo ever taken – Iain MacMillan’s famous photo of the original Fab Four walking across Abbey Road for the cover of their Abbey Road record album.
Lepardia headed out into the night.
She was to meet British MP Renfield R. Renfield (the Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Geopolitical Intelligence Gathering) at the concert to compare intelligence notes from their respective governments on what was happening in Hong Kong.
Both Lepardia and Renfield had come to the conclusion that the mysterious creature Cthulhu (first mentioned in H.P. Lovecraft’s short stories) and the Black Dragon (supernatural entity advisor to China’s paramount leader Xi Jinping) were both battling for control of Hong Kong as part of each supernatural creature’s geopolitical plan for control of the South China Sea and eventually the entire South Pacific region.
Lepardia arrived at the concert just in time to hear the VW Love Bug Herbies sing “She loves me yeah, yeah, yeah…”
She noticed the Greek god Ares seizing the placard of someone dressed like a 1960s hippy.
The placard read Make Love Not War which was also the motto of John Lennon and Yoko Ono’s famous early 1970s Montreal anti-war sit-in and love-in as it was dubbed at the time.
Ares ripped the placard to shreds.
Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing noticed the commotion.
He approached the Greek war deity and said, “Hey, Ares, your shoelace is untied.”
Ares (who was wearing Greek sandals) looked down.
That was when Dracul Van Helsing kicked Ares full force in the head.
The war Olympian was knocked unconscious.
Van Helsing noticed Lepardia Marango and waved.
She approached him, “Nice touch using that old “Your shoelace is untied” routine especially on someone wearing sandals.”
“It’s like I commented on someone’s blog tonight,” Van Helsing smiled, “Ares wasn’t exactly the brightest apple on Mount Olympus.”
“Do you know where Renfield is?” Lepardia asked.
“He’ll be here in another hour or so,” Van Helsing replied, “He’s currently interrogating a member of Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman’s janitorial and cleaning maintenance team.”
“That means he might be gone for a while,” Lepardia noted.
“Care to dance?” Van Helsing held out his hand.
“Does this mean, Van Helsing,” Lepardia smiled, “that you want to hold my hand?”.
“It does,” Van Helsing smiled back.
“Well, then, Strawberry Fields Forever,” Lepardia took his hand.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday August 8th
2019.
Legacy of The Baskervilles
Legacy of The Baskervilles
“I always wanted to do a movie based on a Sherlock Holmes story,” said the ghost of Orson Welles as he entered Baskerville Hall.
“And you’re thinking of the Hound of The Baskervilles?” Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing asked.
“I am,” Welles lit himself a spectral cigar.
“Of course that story has been done several times in film format,” Van Helsing noted, “you will have to do something that makes yours stand out from the rest.”
“Precisement,” Welles pulled out a bottle of spectral red wine from one overcoat pocket and a glass from the other, “and I’m just the man to do it.”
“I would have to agree,” Van Helsing nodded.
“So I hear Baskerville Hall is now owned by Britain’s Heritage Trust,” Welles poured himself a glass of spectral red wine.
“It is,” Van Helsing acknowledged, “it was purchased recently by Dashwood Forrest the owner of The Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery in London. He donated it to Heritage Trust to get a big charity donation receipt to help him with a big tax deduction.”
“A most astute decision,” Welles sipped his red wine.
“So, have you given much thought to how you intend to make your adaptation of The Hound of The Baskervilles different?” Van Helsing asked.
“Let us go into the living room of Baskerville Hall,” Welles suggested, “perhaps seeing that large spacious room will give me some ideas.”
Welles and Van Helsing entered the living room.
And there stood….
The Welsh vampiress Morgana.
“As you know,” Morgana spoke, “Britain’s new Prime Minister Boris Johnson recently appointed me Deputy Home Secretary In Charge of Midnight Security. And both of you are trespassing on Heritage Trust property.”
Welles’ ghost made haste out of the living room and out of Baskerville Hall on the off chance that Morgana might sic the ghost of the Hound of the Baskervilles on him.
Only Dracul Van Helsing remained.
The Welsh vampiress took the vampire hunter over her knee and spanked him.
Welles’ ghost walked around the Baskerville Hall grounds and finished his spectral bottle of spectral red wine and smoked his entire spectral box of spectral cigars.
He thought he better go back inside and see what happened to Van Helsing.
There was Van Helsing on the living room floor having tantric sex with Morgana.
Welles turned and hastily closed the door behind him (forgetting that he could walk through doors and walls).
“Well,” Welles took out a piece of spectral chewing gum, “after seeing that scene, that should give me no shortage of ideas on how to make my film adaptation of The Hound of the Baskervilles different from everybody else’s.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday August 7th
2019.
Lilith In London
Lilith In London
The Babylonian vampiress Lilith was in London in an old abandoned factory.
She was watching the ghost of Orson Welles direct a short film showing the retirement party of a modern major-general.
As the ghost of the 18th Century Irish pirate captain of the Caribbean Captain Kerry Donegal stood by, the retiring major-general sang from The Pirates of Penzance, “I am the very model of the modern major-general…”
Although the major-general wore a typical major-general’s handlebar style moustache, he also wore a Versace dress evening gown.
For being the very model of the modern major-general, he/she was naturally transgendered.
When he had finished singing “I am the very model of the modern major-general”, some of his soldiers went and sang an old musical routine from Monty Python’s Flying Circus,
“Who says I’m a puff? I’ve got your number but you couldn’t afford me dear. Ooooooooohhhhhh!”.
Orson Welles looked at his ghostly antique timepiece watch and said, “Okay, that’s a wrap.”
Cast and crew broke for the day.
Among the spectators at the film shoot was Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing.
Just the man that Lilith wanted to see.
“Van Helsing!” She called out from where she sat.
The vampire hunter turned around.
Lilith immediately ran towards him, threw him to the ground and mounted him.
“I’m looking for a tantric sex partner,” she whispered as she ripped his clothes off.
Orson Welles turned around, “Well, Dracul, are you ready to head back to Set’s mansion?”.
He then noticed what Dracul and Lilith were doing.
“I guess not,” Welles’ ghost shook his head.
He headed to a nearby pub and ordered a spectral glass of red wine.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday August 4th
2019.
Taking A Photo of A Vampiress
Taking A Photo of A Vampiress
Genetically modified super soldiers were in London England awaiting their deployment to the Persian Gulf and the Middle East.
The super soldiers had been created by DARPA scientist Dr. Faustus Imhotep.
Among the many things they had been injected with was a youth serum to keep them young.
This mission to the Middle East was to be their first.
A chance for Imhotep to test their ability.
The DARPA doctor had booked the soldiers into a swanky London hotel.
Faustus Imhotep was sure the super soldiers would enjoy a little R and R before heading out on their mission.
And to stay in one of the best London hotels- surely nothing could possibly go wrong.
. . .
Selznick Foret was an aspiring photographer looking for his big break.
He sent an email to Vanity Fair magazine showing some of his work.
One of the editors answered saying that he was impressed with the photos and that if Foret sent them photos of a very unique and interesting subject, they might publish his photos.
Where, Foret wondered, would he find an interesting subject?
. . .
It just so happened that Foret ran into British MP Renfield R. Renfield now a member of the new British cabinet.
Foret had taken the photo for Renfield’s official parliamentary portrait and the MP loved his work.
Foret told Renfield his predicament.
It just so happened that the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing was with Renfield at the time.
Van Helsing told Foret that his girlfriend the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec was on her way to London.
She would probably agree to pose for a bunch of photos.
Foret was ecstatic.
And so was the editor at Vanity Fair.
Photographs of a vampiress would definitely sell a lot of copies of the magazine.
. . .
Qonzilqointec agreed to pose for the photos.
She would pose for them in her hotel room in a swanky London hotel.
When she arrived at the London hotel, she was looking very tired and haggard after a long flight.
The Aztec vampiress apologized for her appearance.
“Once I’ve drank blood, I should look really young again,” she smiled at him bearing her lovely teeth.
Selznick Foret suddenly felt troubled.
Would he have to make the ultimate sacrifice for getting the perfect picture?
Would he have to offer his neck and his blood to her in order to get her looking young and fresh for the photo session?
“It’s all right,” the vampiress smiled again as if she could read his thoughts, “I’ve got a suitcase of synthetic blood in my room. When I drink that, I should be fine.”
Selznick Foret went back to his own room to get his camera equipment while Qonzilqointec partook of her life giving refreshment.
The vampiress went to her room and when she checked her suitcases, she was horrified to discover that the hotel had misplaced her suitcase containing bottles of synthetic blood.
The blood had been delivered to the room of an American Internal Revenue Service auditor staying at the hotel along with a suitcase full of stones (that should have been sent to the room of a geologist staying at the hotel).
Qonzilqointec realized she’d have to break her promise to Dracul Van Helsing and drink real human blood in order to survive the night.
The vampiress walked around the hotel wondering who she should attack.
Meanwhile the genetically modified super soldiers were in their hotel room having a wild party.
The Aztec vampiress opened the unlocked door of the hotel room.
She recognized the men as genetically modified super soldiers from photos in a tweet that Donald Trump had published on his Twitter account in which he had boasted about American military superiority and intelligence.
Being Mexican, Qonzilqointec was not a big fan of Donald Trump to say the least.
And as it turned out, despite DARPA’s best efforts, the genetically modified super soldiers were no match for a good old fashioned vampiress.
After drinking all the blood of the genetically modified super soldiers, Qonzilqointec looked very young indeed.
The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec posing for a Selznick Foret photograph.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday July 31st
2019.
The Russian Spy Beluga Whale Defector, Dracul Van Helsing and Norse Goddess Freya
The Russian Spy Beluga Whale Defector, Dracul Van Helsing and Norse Goddess Freya
A beluga whale who was a spy for the Russians had recently defected to Norway a few months back.
The whale had been helped in his defection by the ghost of Orson Welles.
After the whale had successfully defected, Welles’ ghost eventually returned to England where he served as a spirit advisor to British MP Renfield R. Renfield (who had just been named to the British cabinet as Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Geopolitical Intelligence Gathering).
The whale meanwhile had spent the past few months being debriefed by Norwegian Navy and Norwegian Intelligence officials.
The beluga had ate a great quantity of fish during this time although the whale said he “didn’t care much for lutefisk” much to the disappointment of Norway’s Minister of Culture.
The beluga told the Norwegians that much was happening under the sea these days.
Poseidon had had his trident stolen by the Syro-Phoenician mermaid goddess Atargatis.
The trident was given to Russian scientists who had developed a new submarine weapon with it.
The beluga (who had taken the name Melville) also said that the Norse deity of the ocean who was the sea jotunn Aegir and was also the major thrower of parties for the Norse gods and goddesses had recently started selling his ale (brewed in a huge cauldron provided by Thor and Tyr) to mortals.
Most mortals were incapable of handling the hangover that the ale gave them, the beluga stated, and when combined with certain other liquors could prove fatal to mortals.
One of the last things he had heard, Melville said (while posing for a photo with someone wearing a Herman Munster mask), was that The Ten Bells Pub in London used Aegir Ale and combined it with 9 liquors to make a shooter called The T-Rex.
If any mortal drank more than one T-Tex shooter, it would kill them.
The Norse goddess Freya, who had her own stenographer present at the beluga whale debriefing, informed Dracul Van Helsing of this.
“Renfield,” Dracul replied, “as in many other matters, is an exception to this rule.”
“Well,” Freya stood up from her dressing table and chair, “come and show me what rules you’re an exception to.”
Dracul did just that.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday July 26th
2019.
How Boris Johnson and Renfield R. Renfield Spent Saint Christopher’s Day
How Boris Johnson and Renfield R. Renfield Spent Saint Christopher’s Day
July 25th is Saint Christopher’s Day (even though the post-Vatican II Catholic Church from 1969 onwards taught that in their opinion, Saint Christopher never existed, the Saint Christopher medal continues to be popular among travellers and surfers).
Boris Johnson spent Saint Christopher’s Day giving his first speech as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom in the British House of Commons.
Meanwhile across the Pond (otherwise known as the Atlantic Ocean), Donald Trump spent the day looking at a photo of himself speaking at a recent event and noticed for the first time that the seal of the President of the United States of America bore a double headed eagle clutching a bag of golf clubs in one of its claws.
“I could have sworn that it was a single headed eagle clutching arrows in one of its claws,” Trump scratched the dandruff out of his toupee.
Back across the Pond again, the Welsh vampiress Morgana sat on the government benches in the House of Commons as Deputy Home Secretary In Charge of Midnight Security.
She applied mascara to her eyelashes and red finger nail polish to her finger nails as Johnson gave an impassioned speech to the Commons on how he was going to deliver Brexit.
As Johnson spoke, British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield likewise sat on the government benches in the Commons as Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Geopolitical Intelligence Gathering.
While Johnson continued speaking, Renfield was busy text messaging his former boss the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.
Renfield was expressing his opinion to Set that Johnson probably wouldn’t be able to negotiate a Brexit deal with the European Union for 3 reasons:
1) European Union bureaucrats would probably continue to act like Soviet commissars on the question of the backstop on the Irish border between the British province of Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland
2) Irish Taoiseach (Prime Minister) Leo Varadkar would probably continue to act like Oscar Wilde on steroids on top of Lord Alfred Douglas on the Irish border backstop question
3) The notorious drunken leprechaun Yaldabaoth (viewed as the Demi-Urge who created the material physical universe by various Gnostic groups throughout the centuries) would probably continue to sleep across the border- half on the north side and half on the south
It was for these reasons, Renfield advised Set, that he should expect a no-deal Brexit.
A hard Brexit.
As Set sat in The Ten Bells Pub in central London and read Renfield’s text message, he put his construction hard hat on, got a hard on as he looked at a poster of the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec, ordered 10 T-Rex shooters (guaranteed to kill any mortal dead) and when he had finished drinking and paid his bill, went off to Harrods to stock up on candies and various other treats for this coming Halloween.
Meanwhile in Moscow, Russian President Vladimir Putin had summoned the Russian vampiress Svetlana Kireeva of the FSB to his office to discuss the most recent actions by Ukraine.
The Russian tanker Nika Spirit (formerly called the Neyma) had been detained by the Ukrainian security service (SBU) in the Black Sea port of Izmail, Ukraine.
10 crew members who were aboard the Nika Spirit were held briefly for a few hours and then released.
Speaking to reporters in Kiev, Svetlana Kireeva’s vampiress rival and arch enemy the Ukrainian vampiress Inna Huculak of the SBU said that the Nika Spirit in its previous maritime ship incarnation as the Neyma had been the ship responsible for blocking the Kerch Strait to the Sea of Azov on November 25th of last year allowing the Russian Navy to seize the Ukrainian Navy gunboats The Nikopol and The Berdyansk and a Ukrainian Navy tug allowing the Russian Navy to capture 30 Ukrainian sailors of whom 24 remain in Russian custody.
After the incident had happened last November, the Ukrainian vampiress Inna Huculak had approached Renfield R. Renfield for help.
Renfield had set sail on the Dr. Cadbury Rocher designed submarine The Amphitrite II with his own personal brigade of British Army Gurkhas.
They sailed straight through the Strait of Kerch to the Sea of Azov.
There they captured a Russian Navy submarine The Svyatoy Ivan and took 66 Russian Navy sailors hostage.
The sailors would be released in return for the release of the 24 Ukrainian sailors.
However Putin absolutely refused to negotiate with Renfield R. Renfield as Renfield had once stolen a bunch of antique Bavarian beer mugs from the Russian leader’s antique Bavarian beer mug collection back in August 2014 and Putin had never forgiven him for it.
The 66 Russian sailors had been held prisoner at a castle in the Scottish highlands under guard from Renfield’s personal brigade of British Army Gurkhas ever since.
How CNN News reported Renfield R. Renfield’s capture of the Russian Navy ship The Svyatoy Ivan at its web site on November 29th of last year:
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday July 25th
2019.
Boris Johnson, Greek God Ares, Dracul Van Helsing and Norse Goddess Freya
Boris Johnson, Greek God Ares, Dracul Van Helsing and Norse Goddess Freya
It was the last Prime Minister’s Question Period in the British House of Commons for Theresa May in her role as Prime Minister of The United Kingdom prior to passing the Prime Ministerial baton to Boris Johnson.
The very last question to her was posed by Renfield R. Renfield the British Transhumanist MP for Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds.
Renfield stood up and asked Mrs. May, “What is the speed velocity of a swallow?”.
To which Mrs. May responded, “Are you talking about the African swallow or the European swallow?”.
To which Renfield replied, “I don’t know.”
Soon Renfield found himself being carried by an invisible force through the air.
Unlike the poor sap medieval hermit in Monty Python and The Holy Grail who asked “Questions three” by the bridge to King Arthur’s knights, Renfield was not sent into a deep chasm in the earth for not knowing the answer but found himself transported upwards to the House of Commons Press Gallery where he ended up in the lap of BBC News Anchorwoman Geeta Guru-Murthy.
. . .
Donald Trump was watching Mrs. May’s final Prime Minister’s Question Period on television in the Oval Office.
“Lexington,” Trump remarked to his British butler and valet, “is there really a difference in the speed velocity of swallows between Europeans and Africans and who has the greater speed velocity?”.
“Sir,” Lexington who knew Trump’s mind (or lack thereof!) inside and out answered, “I believe the swallows to which both Mr. Renfield and Mrs. May are referring are the variety of birds and not what you’re thinking about.”
“Oh,” Trump answered.
Bill and Hillary Clinton were carrying on a very similar conversation.
. . .
The Greek god Apollo was lying in a lounge chair in a garden not far from the Acropolis when Ares walked by looking a little downcast.
Apollo (who was Greek god of music) was listening to the songs of Nat King Cole on his iPhone headphones when Ares walked by.
Apollo took off his headphones.
“You look very depressed,” Apollo said looking somewhat concerned.
“It turns out Boris Johnson is naming Renfield R. Renfield to the British cabinet as Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Geopolitical Intelligence Gathering after all,” Ares wept crocodile tears (as he had put crocodile DNA rather than eye tear droplets in his eyes this morning), “this may ruin the best laid plans of Morrigan the Celtic goddess of war, Thor the Norse god of thunder and myself for planning a global war.”
Apollo put his iPhone headphones back on and went back to listening to Nat King Cole as Ares continued to weep crocodile tears.
. . .
The Norse goddess Freya was in her country estate in Norway listening to the radio when she heard the news that Renfield had been appointed to the British cabinet as Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Geopolitical Intelligence Gathering and his parliamentary colleague the Welsh vampiress Morgana had been named Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Midnight Security.
At that moment, the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing showed up at the door with a bottle of wine.
“Mr. Van Helsing,” Freya said to him, “how would you like to step into my art studio and I’ll show you my etchings?”.
Norse Goddess Freya: Offers to show her etchings to Dracul Van Helsing
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday July 24th
2019,
Hera At The French Presidential Palace
Hera At The French Presidential Palace
The Greek goddess Hera went and sat in a corner of the grand ballroom in the French Presidential Palace where her image was caught by a photographer who loved the beauty of old time black and white photography.
Hera was hoping to get away from French President Emmanuel Macron who seemed to be getting somewhat amorous with her.
He kept asking questions about her age and saying things like, “Surely as a Greek Olympian goddess, you’re far older than I am.”
She went to this corner of the grand ballroom far away from Macron’s lecherous looks.
The French President was currently unveiling an oil painting sent to him as a farewell present from British Prime Minister Theresa May who would be formally stepping down as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom in another couple of weeks.
The painting had been purchased at and delivered by the world famous Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery in London.
Macron got quite excited when he saw the name of the painting on the box in which it came- Portrait of A Cougar.
The whole ballroom could see the immense disappointment on the French President’s face when the painting was unveiled and it turned out to be a portrait of a puma mountain lion wildcat in the Canadian Rockies.
Hera had to laugh.
The Olympian goddess was soon approached by Set Enterprises’ spy and secret agent the 6 foot 8 Welsh pooka invisible bunny rabbit Harvey Tallbanger.
Being a goddess, she could see the invisible bunny rabbit (whereas most mortals couldn’t unless they had been drinking Harvey Wallbanger cocktails or if Harvey had turned his 1960s ViewMaster on).
“The goddess Isis informs me that you’re looking for Dracul Van Helsing,” Tallbanger bowed to the Olympic beauty.
Indeed Hera was.
She had just recently found out that her husband Zeus had flown several trips on Jeremy Epstein’s Lolita Express plane.
The goddess was so angered that she decided to turn to Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing for comfort.
Tallbanger told the goddess that Dracul Van Helsing was waiting for her in a large private booth in a quiet cafe along the Champs-Élysées.
Hera thanked the tall bunny rabbit secret agent, stood up and exited the French Presidential Palace.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday July 12th
2019.
The Kraken In Ethiopia
The Kraken In Ethiopia
After being sworn in as a Member of the European Parliament yesterday along with his wife Medusa and his British Transhumanist friends Renfield R. Renfield and the Welsh vampiress Morgana, the Kraken and leader of the French Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party Napoleon VI was currently in Addis Ababa Ethiopia.
Unlike members of the Brexit Party who showed bad taste and bad form by turning their backs on the European Union anthem as it was played in the European Parliament, the British Transhumanist and French Aquarian Age Bonapartist Alliance MEPs did not do that.
Of course the Kraken, Medusa, Renfield and Morgana were all big fans of Beethoven and his Ode To Joy anyways so naturally they wouldn’t do that.
What brought the Kraken to Ethiopia was that the cyborg octopus Napoleon VI was hoping to upstage his French political rival Emmanuel Macron.
It had come to the Kraken’s attention that Macron was terribly fearful that Donald Trump’s lavish Washington DC 4th of July parade planned for tomorrow might well upstage the French President’s own Paris Bastille Day parade that would be held later this month.
However it had come to Macron’s attention that the famed Ark of the Covenant (made famous by Moses the Prophet and later Steven Spielberg) might possibly be residing in a monastery church in Aksum Ethiopia.
If Macron could convince the monk guardian of the Ark to temporarily loan it to France for this year’s Bastille Day parade, this would definitely upstage Trump and his hair raising toupee.
The Kraken, finding out about Macron’s plan, decided to go to Ethiopia himself and beat Macron’s Intelligence Service to the punch by tracking down the monk guardian of the Ark and asking him to loan it to France for this year’s Bastille Day Parade.
The Kraken visualized himself returning to Paris with a hero’s welcome as he got off the plane carrying the Ark of the Covenant in his 8 arms.
The Kraken however did not know anyone in Ethiopia who could guide him to the monastery.
Dracul Van Helsing however was friends with the Ethiopian Princess Ayesha (a direct descendant of King Solomon and the Queen of Sheba) whom he had met in Jerusalem earlier this year.
Van Helsing had arranged for the Kraken to meet Princess Ayesha after arriving in Addis Ababa and Her Highness would take the Kraken to the monastery church in Aksum.
The Kraken went to meet Ayesha on the rooftop of her house in Addis Ababa.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday July 3rd
2019.
Countess Draculina On The Feast Day of Saints Peter and Paul
Countess Draculina On The Feast Day of Saints Peter and Paul
The Dalai Lama recently found himself in trouble with the small penis male and large dildo lesbian blowhard SJWs (social justice warriors) on Twitter when he said that if his successor was female, she should be attractive.
British news media reached out to British MP Renfield R. Renfield for comment on the Dalai Lama’s remarks since the controversial MP could usually be relied on to make some politically incorrect statement capable of offending feminists and members of the LGBTQ community alike.
Replied Renfield, “Well if the Dalai Lama has a female successor, he probably wants to ensure that she isn’t immediately beheaded by Pan Goatee as soon as she takes office.”
Meanwhile over at the G-20 summit in Osaka Japan the entity known as the Black Dragon (supernatural entity advisor to China’s paramount leader Xi Jinping) ensured that no invisible beings (especially those who were spies and secret agents for the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set) were able to enter the room where Xi and Donald Trump held their closed door meeting.
So Set Enterprises were up “shit creek without a paddle” as far as details of that meeting were concerned.
The only thing known for sure about what went on behind closed doors at that meeting was Xi gave Trump a severed needle from a cactus plant to pass along to Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.
Meanwhile in the City of Calgary, Pan Goatee was getting off a bus when he happened to notice a thin ugly gargoyle (as opposed to your usual fat ugly blimp) walking down the street.
“The Dalai Lama doesn’t want you as his successor,” Pan Goatee commented as he beheaded her.
He then walked in the direction of the Public Library where another thin ugly gargoyle had just exited.
“They must have closed the Aesthetics section of the public library today,” Goatee remarked as he beheaded her.
He then walked around to the other side of a shopping mall and entered.
There sitting in front of a Credit Union was an ugly mid sized cow woman with buck teeth bigger than that of Bugs Bunny.
“The Dalai Lama doesn’t want you as his successor either,” Pan Goatee spoke aloud his Sherlockian deduction as he beheaded the ugly creature, “We’re far past the days of Credit Unions headed by It’s A Wonderful Life Jimmy Stewart film characters. Nothing good comes from credit unions anymore.”
He then went to the mall’s food court where he ordered a Vietnamese style submarine sandwich.
After buying half a dozen cans of diet Coke from the Dollar Store, he then exited the mall where he encountered the hideous spectacle of a fat ugly blimp (no doubt who had just come from the pasture where she had been feeding on large quantities of everything).
“Your mama should have told you to worry about your size,” Goatee paraphrased the lyrics of a recent pop song as he beheaded her, “you’re not going to be the successor of the Dalai Lama either.”
Meanwhile over in the City of Rome, Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing and Interpol agent Peter Whitstable the Fox Mulder of Interpol were trying to stop a satanic sacrifice being performed by certain members of the Vatican College of Cardinals who were also members of a satanic cult.
But since they relied on GPS (at Whitstable’s suggestion) rather than a good old fashioned map and/or street atlas to guide them to their destination, they arrived too late to stop the sacrifice.
The satanist Cardinals had already dispersed and were going off to evening tea in Pope Francis’ apartment to discuss the upcoming Amazon Synod that would be held this October.
As Van Helsing and Whitstable walked back to their hotel, they came across the Countess Draculina (vampiress daughter of Count Dracula) kneeling in the moonlight.
“That looks like a full moon bathing Draculina in the moonlight,” Van Helsing commented, “I didn’t think there was a full moon tonight.”
Whitstable consulted his Farmer’s Almanac book (rather than his smart phone) on this topic and replied, “I guess Selene the Greek Titan goddess of the moon is drawing her chariot across the sky tonight and apparently her chariot is full moon shaped.”
Van Helsing and Draculina went to one of Rome’s hilltop gardens that night where they discussed the moon and other things.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday June 29th
2019.
