Thessalonike of Macedon Meets Dracul and Yaldabaoth
Thessalonike of Macedon
Prof. William Charles an Associate Professor of Mythology, Folklore, Vampirism, Lycanthropy and Paranormal Studies at Oxford University was delivering a lecture in front of a fountain with a statue of a mermaid inside the fountain.
Prof. William Charles was delivering the lecture to a camera as part of an on-line course that he was teaching.
Said Prof. Charles, “Now there is a popular Greek legend that says Alexander the Great’s half-sister Thessalonike of Macedon became a mermaid and lived and frolicked in the Aegean Sea for hundreds of years.
The legend states that Alexander the Great in his quest for the Fountain of Immortality managed to get a flask of this immortal water.
He happened to wash Thessalonike’s hair with this flask of immortal water.
For Alexander had foolishly forgot to bring along the bottle of shampoo that his half-sister Thessalonike had asked for.
Not wanting Thessalonike to throw a major spaz attack as a result of his blundering, Alexander used the flask of immortality water to wash his half-sister’s hair instead.
When Alexander the Great died in the Persian capital of Babylon in June 323 BC, the legend says that his grief-stricken sister attempted to end her life by jumping into the sea.
Instead of drowning, however, she became a mermaid passing judgment on mariners throughout the centuries and across the Seven Seas.
To the sailors she encountered, she would always pose the same question, “Is Alexander the King alive?”.
To which the correct answer would be, “He lives and reigns and conquers the world.”
Given this answer, she would allow the ship and her crew to sail safely away in calm seas.
Any other answer would transform her into a raging Gorgon bent on sending the ship and every sailor on board to the bottom of the sea.”
. . .
“So that was how the German battleship Bismarck was actually sunk to the bottom of the sea?” British Prime Minister Boris Johnson was reading the top secret report on the sinking of the Bismarck that was finally being released over 80 years after the incident had happened back in May of 1941.
“It looks like Johnny Horton’s ghost will have to rewrite the lyrics of his hit song Sink The Bismarck,” An eavesdropping British MP Renfield R. Renfield (who had wiretapped Boris Johnson’s office) quipped.
“Who would have thought that it was a mermaid?” Amadeus Emanon ate a plate of sweet and sour jumbo shrimp, “And Alexander the Great’s half-sister at that.”
. . .
Meanwhile as animals at the Denver Zoo in Colorado were now being injected with Covid vaccines as part of the Biden Administration’s MAKE AMERICA WOKE AGAIN efforts, a demon possessed marine biologist had injected the mermaid Thessalonike of Macedon with a Covid-19 vaccine in the Aegean Sea.
The end result of the injection was that it had turned Thessalonike of Macedon into a mortal woman again.
And it was in that form that Thessalonike of Macedon had appeared to Dracul Van Helsing and Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun on a pier on the Aegean Sea.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday July 8th
2021.
Morgan Le Fay
Picture of Morgan Le Fay
“So you’re trying to track down the original painting that appears at this website?” British MP Renfield R. Renfield asked Dashwood Forrest the owner and curator of the Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery in London.
“I am,” Forrest nodded, “I’ve come across sketches of this portrait in various books and they say it’s a portrait of Morgan Le Fay.”
“The Arthurian era enchantress?” Renfield sipped a martini, “But the woman in this portrait looks like a woman of the 1930s judging by her hairstyle and style of dress. I thought Morgan Le Fay died back in the Arthurian era.”
“There were rumours that back in 1930 an archaeologist found her grave on the Isle of Avalon not far from Glastonbury and a spiritist medium friend of the archaeologist used her incredible occultic powers to bring Morgan Le Fay back from the dead,” Forrest explained.
“And someone in the decade of the 1930s painted her picture?” Renfield finished his martini.
“Yes,” Forrest nodded.
“I wonder who?” Renfield looked at the website photograph of the painting as Forrest shrugged.
. . .
The ghost of Winston Churchill and the ghost of Orson Welles were sitting in comfortable armchairs in the living room of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal West London estate.
Both were smoking spectral cigars.
Churchill was sipping a spectral brandy.
And Welles was sipping a spectral glass of spectral red wine.
“Anyways,” Churchill continued with his story to Welles, “In my painting career, I painted in various different painting styles. I once painted what looked to be in style a black and white photo of Morgan Le Fay but it was actually a painting. One I must say I was exceptionally proud of. Sadly, Clementine didn’t like it and gave it away to someone. She wouldn’t say who. She didn’t want me to get it back. I think Clementine was jealous of Morgan Le Fay’s exceptional beauty.”
“Do you mean Morgan Le Fay the Arthurian era enchantress?” Welles almost spilled his spectral glass of spectral red wine all over his ghostly suit, “But I thought she died back in Arthurian times.”
“She was apparently brought back from the dead in 1930,” Churchill explained.
“Is she still alive today?” Welles asked.
. . .
“Is this seat taken?” The beautiful and attractive young woman asked Dracul Van Helsing in the Saint George’s Pub.
“No, it most definitely is not,” Van Helsing answered.
The woman sat down in the pub booth directly across from Dracul Van Helsing.
Her dress, her fur covering, her necklace, her gloves, her hairstyle and appearance seem to have been accurately and prophetically depicted by one Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill many decades ago.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday May 21st
2021.
Charlotte In The Dance Studio
Charlotte in the dance studio
Vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing entered the room known as the dance studio in the English country manor and estate he had been staying in for the past week.
The country squire and his wife who owned the estate were big fans of Latin and Ballroom Dancing.
And therefore owned their own dance studio.
“Hello, Miss Charlotte,” Van Helsing said to the woman as he entered the dance studio.
“Hello, Mr. Van Helsing,” Charlotte smiled.
“Is the ghost of the Emperor Napoleon around?” Van Helsing asked.
“He’s apparently down in London to see Trafalgar Square,” Charlotte answered.
“Well, that should prove interesting,” Van Helsing commented.
“And Squire Hawkins and his wife are visiting relatives,” Charlotte noted.
“So we’re alone on the Estate then?” Van Helsing sat down on a chair.
“Andrea Angelicus the Phoenix woman is not around?” Charlotte inquired.
“No, she’s darting back and forth across the globe,” Van Helsing explained, “And using the Houdini-Tesla-Pantages-Welles-Lamarr Magic Lantern projector for time travel.”
“Time travel?” Charlotte was curious.
“Yes, by time traveling, she gave lasting fame to an artist who died young by the name of Henri Gris,” Van Helsing explained, “By posing for his most famous portrait painting entitled The Woman of Midnight. The painting has now been acquired by the Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery in London and will soon be available for public viewing.”
“So, seeing as how we have the house to ourselves, what shall we do, Van Helsing?” Charlotte asked.
“Dance,” Van Helsing smiled as he put on an old LP record of Johann Strauss’ The Blue Danube.
. . .
Set Enterprises’ eccentric scientist Dr. Marmalade Montague was walking the streets of London with Extremely Curious George the stegosaurus who was genetically created by Set Enterprises’ chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher.
“Well, George,” Dr. Montague commented, “We seem to be getting a lot of stares from passers-by today. It must be this Armani suit I’m wearing that was a gift to me from Jerry Seinfeld. And no doubt that spiffy and colourful looking bow tie you’re wearing is drawing a lot of attention as well.”
They walked by 10 Downing Street where British Prime Minister Boris Johnson was standing at a podium in front of the door to the residence shooting his mouth off about something or other.
Extremely Curious George stood next to Johnson briefly and opened his mouth in a big wide yawn as the Prime Minister was talking.
The photo that was taken of the moment went viral on social media.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday May 12th
2021.
The Search
Amadeus Emanon had brought his parish priest Rev. Father Aidan Bury Saint Edmunds to brunch with him after the church service.
Renfield greeted Father Bury Saint Edmunds, “How’s it going, Father?”.
“Fine, thank you, Mr. Renfield,” Father Bury Saint Edmunds answered the British MP.
“So how’s everything on the ecclesiastical front?” Renfield inquired.
“Well, early last week Pope Francis made a peculiar statement,” the priest replied, “He said salvation and redemption aren’t granted to people individually but only collectively as members of a group.”
“Sounds like Communism to me,” Renfield remarked.
“It does to me as well,” the priest agreed.
. . .
And at their brunch the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set and the vampire Lord Tweedsmuir were likewise discussing Communism with relation to Bill Gates and the CCP (Chinese Communist Party).
“So I hear after 27 years of marriage Bill Gates is finally divorcing his wife Melinda,” Lord Tweedsmuir sipped his whiskey, “Their divorce being announced on Twitter.”
“Yes, Bill Gates must have recently got the proper optical prescription for his glasses and after putting them on, he finally noticed that Melinda looks like a man in drag,” Set added soda to his own glass of whiskey, “so the marriage is now over.”
“So the courts will now decide who gets which half of the world between them?” Tweedsmuir helped himself to a sandwich.
“Undoubtedly,” Set nodded.
“You said to me over the phone earlier that the Set Enterprises Intelligence Unit has uncovered information about Bill Gates, Communism and the CCP?” Lord Tweedsmuir put down his glass of whiskey.
“Yes, Bill Gates has visited the People’s Republic of China more than a dozen times since his retirement from Microsoft in 2008,” Set pointed out.
“Maybe he has a Chinese mistress?” Lord Tweedsmuir suggested.
“It turns out he does,” Set answered, “a Miss Shelly Wang. Who served as his translator on his many visits to China. Interestingly Bill took Melinda along on his trips to Africa but not his trips to China. There are rumours that Shelly Wang gave birth to Bill Gates’ child. Another reason Bill and Melinda may have split up.”
“That would definitely do it all right,” Lord Tweedsmuir nodded.
“Anyways Gates has made several interesting statements during his visits to China,” Set went on, “One of them was “Only socialism can save the climate”. And by socialism, I don’t think he meant old time Scandinavian social democracy.”
“But rather Marxist-Leninist socialism of the CCP variety?” Tweedsmuir raised an eyebrow.
“Exactly,” Set nodded, “Then he added, “Capitalism cannot save the planet.” In that respect he sounds like an old time Marxist-Leninist.”
“Or Pope Francis,” Tweedsmuir commented.
“Exactly,” Set agreed, “He has also said “Paranoia about China is crazy”. Yes, no need to be paranoid about a country that spies on its own citizens. Gates is one capitalist billionaire who seems to be quite enamoured with the Chinese Communist system. In the same way that billionaire Armand Hammer the CEO of Occidental Petroleum used to be quite enamoured with the Soviet system of the old Soviet Union. Armand Hammer used to appear on American TV talk shows such as The Merv Griffin Show back in the 1970s and ’80s and tell audiences what a wonderful and kind chap Lenin was. Now Gates is doing the same thing in singing the praises of the People’s Republic of China.”
“A Communist billionaire,” Tweedsmuir shook his head, “I really didn’t think there could be such a thing.”
Set went on, “The Set Enterprises Intelligence Unit has also discovered that in China’s national textbooks studied by all Chinese students, Bill Gates is referred to as “a Western person who is a Communist driver with Communist spirit”. So you’ve got the CCP calling Bill Gates a good Communist.”
“I take it the mainstream media in North America is unaware of what’s written about Bill Gates in Chinese national textbooks,” Tweedsmuir put down his empty glass.
“The mainstream media in North America have a hard time reading and comprehending English language textbooks so one can only imagine the titanically colossal struggle they’d face in reading Chinese language textbooks,” Set noted, “For they are far far longer than a CONFUCIUS SAY message in a Chinese restaurant fortune cookie.”
. . .
The Greek goddess Athena was checking out the books in the living room of Dracul Van Helsing’s apartment.
“Is there any particular book you’re looking for?” Dracul Van Helsing asked as he brought in the home delivery order from Lydo’s Chinese Food.
“Claudius’ History of the Etruscans,” Athena answered.
“You must have heard about my visit this past Friday to an English country garden adjacent to an English country manor’s library and living room,” Van Helsing smiled.
“I did,” Athena nodded, “And those creatures Napoleon sketched whose sketches the French Emperor put in the last pages of that book.”
“What about them?” Van Helsing asked.
“Where do you think Bill Gates got his ideas on what to put in his next vaccine?” Athena asked.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday May 9th 2021.
In An English Country Garden
Charlotte in an English country garden
“Miss Charlotte?” Dracul Van Helsing asked.
“I’m Charlotte Williams,” the woman smiled.
“The Emperor Napoleon is not with you?” Van Helsing inquired.
“He’s down at a village pub talking to a fellow named Renfield,” Charlotte answered.
“Trust Renfield to be up to speed on cosmic happenings,” Van Helsing had to admit.
“Come with me to the library,” Charlotte said.
“All right,” Van Helsing agreed.
In the library, Charlotte Williams handed Van Helsing a book Claudius’ History of The Etruscans.
“I thought this book was lost to history,” Van Helsing thumbed through it, “Let alone an English translation was available of it.”
“Napoleon had that book in his library in his house on the island of Saint Helena,” Charlotte walked into the country estate manor’s living room where there was a piano.
She sat down and played Bach’s Jesu Joy of Man’s Desiring.
“I wonder how it got here,” Van Helsing sat down in a chair with the book and listened to Charlotte play.
“I don’t know,” Charlotte continued to play.
Van Helsing’s smart phone rang.
He answered it and talked briefly.
“Talk to you soon, Whitstable,” Van Helsing put his smart phone back in his pocket.
“Whitstable?” Charlotte looked at Van Helsing.
“A friend of mine,” the vampire hunter explained.
“When the Emperor Napoleon was talking to the Phoenix Woman Andrea Angelicus, he said there were sketches on the second last page of that book Claudius’ History of the Etruscans,” Charlotte explained, “Sketches that Napoleon himself drew of visitors he saw a few days before he died. Sketches that he put in the book after they left. Napoleon after talking with Andrea said he’d give the sketches to Whitstable.”
Van Helsing went to the second last page of the volume and removed some very old looking pieces of paper.
He took a look at them.
They were sketches of ET T-Rexes emerging from a UFO flying saucer shaped craft.
“Sinister looking things,” Van Helsing noted, “I imagine Whitstable will be grateful to receive the sketches. But whoever these beings are, they look like super nasty and super tough customers.”
“Someone can defeat them,” Charlotte continued to play Jesu Joy of Man’s Desiring.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday May 7th
2021.
Andrea Angelicus
Andrea Angelicus sitting in the back yard of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal West London Estate.
Dracul Van Helsing saw the vision as he entered the backyard gardens of the Set Manor Estates.
He had received a phone call last night from Peter Whitstable the man they call the Fox Mulder of Interpol.
There was apparently a woman travelling all across Europe not wearing a mask (much to the chagrin of Neo-Bolshevik Communist authorities and Neo-Fascist authorities everywhere).
She would appear and then vanish (literally).
She’d show up in various countries with no record of her having passed border patrols.
Cardinal Gianfranco Ravasi the President of the Pontifical Council For Culture wondered if the woman had been vaccinated.
He only wondered for a moment and then returned to his present study of wondering whether the woman with the rodent tail who appeared in David Bowie’s last music video Lazarus was a Jungian collective unconscious predictive archetype of what the women in the post-Covid new reality will look like.
Ravasi had been influenced by both David Bowie and Aleister Crowley in his personal thought and philosophy.
That’s why his Pontifical Council For Culture was one of the sponsors of the Mind, Soul and Body Virtual Health Conference going on at the Vatican this week where such non-luminaries as Dr. Anthony Fauci (who might best be described as the Coronavirus on steroids) and Chelsea Clinton (the Church of Satan member and daughter of a disgraced former U.S. President and a warmongering former U.S. Secretary of State) were among the leading dignitaries and speakers at the Conference.
Whitstable said that the talk among gypsies throughout Europe (with whom Whitstable kept in constant contact) was that this Andrea Angelicus was known to them as the Phoenix Woman.
Saying there are legends of her having been born from the ashes of a Phoenix.
Anyhow Whitstable was wanting to make contact with the Phoenix Woman and one of his gypsy informants said that she would meet with a friend of Whitstable but not Whitstable personally.
She was wanting no contact with representatives of international organizations.
Whitstable had phoned his friend Van Helsing and Van Helsing had agreed to meet her.
“Andrea Angelicus I presume?” Van Helsing addressed the woman.
The woman in the elegant white gown turned and looked at Van Helsing and smiled, “I am. You are Van Helsing I presume?”.
“I am,” the vampire hunter nodded, “Dracul Van Helsing.”
“This is a very beautiful piece of luminous purple, white and blue crystals that Mr. Set has on this table,” Andrea Angelicus pointed.
“It is,” Van Helsing agreed, “From those days in the late 1980s when he was going through his Shirley MacLaine, J.Z. Knight and Ramtha phase. A phase that mercifully did not last long. It ended after his sister and sister-in-law the Paris based Egyptian vampiress Isis quite literally dropped a ton of bricks on his head. Athelstan his butler and valet said that he had never seen a chimney and fireplace put to better use.”
“I would like you to accompany me to another garden,” Andrea Angelicus stood up.
“Another garden?” Van Helsing was curious.
“Yes, a drive in the country,” Andrea Angelicus smiled, “To an English country garden.”
“And what pray tell shall we find in that English country garden?” Van Helsing asked.
An English country garden where the sounds of La Marseillaise could be heard playing on the estate manor piano but not the sounds of Tchaikovsky’s War of 1812 Overture.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday May 6th
2021.
The Turning Point
“So, where is your friend Renfield R. Renfield tonight?” Angelique Dumont asked her boyfriend Amadeus Emanon as he came over to her apartment.
“I was informed by Athelstan the butler at the Set Mansion this morning that Renfield has apparently decided to vanish for a few days,” Amadeus answered.
“Vanish?” Angelique seemed perplexed.
“Yes, the number of governments and wealthy global oligarchs around the world who want to see him assassinated has really grown exponentially the past week,” Amadeus explained.
“So I take it then that Renfield won’t be attending Prince Philip’s funeral?” Angelique inquired.
“Well I understand Philip’s funeral is to be a small affair at the Duke of Edinburgh’s own personal request plus Covid restrictions are in place,” Amadeus was eating a Worcestershire sauce laced grilled cheese sandwich, “Plus I don’t think Renfield would have really been invited anyways.”
“Prince Philip didn’t like Renfield?” Angelique Dumont put honey in her tea.
“I don’t think Philip knew Renfield very well,” Amadeus pointed out, “But Prince Philip’s eldest son Charles Prince of Wales and Duke of Cornwall certainly doesn’t like Renfield very well.”
“Why doesn’t Prince Charles like Renfield?” Angelique wanted to know.
“Well, because a few years ago, Charles was only standing a few feet away from Renfield when Renfield said to someone else that in his opinion Charles’ 2nd wife Camilla the Duchess of Cornwall looked like a horse,” Amadeus sipped a ginger beer.
“That would explain the Prince of Wales and Duke of Cornwall Charles’ dislike of Renfield,” Angelique admitted.
“The next day, Renfield did issue an apology… to horses,” Amadeus recalled, “but even that didn’t quite cut the mustard with Prince Charles.”
“I should say not,” Angelique shook her head, “But I think Her Majesty the Queen likes Renfield does she not?”.
“Yes,” Amadeus nodded, “Because Renfield once saved one of her Welsh corgis from drowning in a swimming pool.”
. . .
“Who’s this Prince Philip guy?” American President Joe Biden asked one of his aides, “Is he the fellow who made Philips Electric Shavers?”.
“No, Mr. President,” The aide wore a t-shirt that said I’M WITH STUPID with an arrow pointing in Biden’s direction, “He was the Prince Consort of the Queen of England.”
“Victoria?” Biden reached for a glass of water to take his Geritol pills.
“That was Prince Albert,” his aide sounded exasperated, “And Victoria was queen for the most part of two centuries ago.”
“Who’s the current Queen?” Biden inquired.
“Are you referring to the Sovereign of Great Britain or your recent appointment to the position of Assistant Secretary of Health and Human Services?” His aide wanted to know.
Biden scratched his head at that one.
. . .
After administering a severe spanking to Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing for being late to their meeting, the Norse Goddess Freya went to a corner of the room and stood looking at him.
“So did you find out if it’s true that my son Thor has formed an alliance with Loki?” Freya asked.
“It’s true,” Dracul Van Helsing lit a cigarette and poured himself a glass of bourbon.
“But such an alliance was not foreseen in the Poetic Edda or Prose Edda?” Freya pointed out.
“That’s true as well,” Van Helsing nodded, “Anyhow Thor and Loki have formed an alliance with Osiris and Horus to bring about a Great Reset New World Order. That idiotic English language mantra Build Back Better is being translated into ancient Norse and ancient Egyptian even as we speak.”
“This is depressing news,” Freya sighed, “I need a conjugal encounter right now to get rid of my depression.”
“So do I,” Van Helsing confessed.
They were soon on the bed in the apartment making out with one another.
The ghost of Orson Welles walked in at that moment.
“Not again,” Welles’ ghost went back into the hall.
A Norwegian otter carrying a notepad and a pencil asked Welles if he knew the ancient Norse word for Google.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday April 9th
2021.
Little Noticed Russian Ministry of Health Statement
Another BBC News announcer had been shot and killed in the intermittent
warfare going on in the BBC news room between Neo-Stalinist Neo-Bolshevik Communists and Neo-Trotskyite Neo-Bolshevik Communists.
If Chief Inspector Brackenreid of Murdoch Mysteries was alive today and even more importantly not a fictional character, he might put it this way, “It’s what Eric “Bloody” Blair wrote about in the Spanish Civil War all over again. The reason the Republican side lost the Spanish Civil War.”
Stalinist Republicans and Trotskyite Republicans spending more time killing one another than killing Gen. Franco’s Nationalists.
As such, British MP Renfield R. Renfield was stepping in once again to read the BBC News on behalf of yet another recently deceased announcer.
Adding his own personal flourish and commentary.
Said Renfield, “The interior of the 13th Century Gothic Saint Nicolas Collegiate Church in Avesnes-sur-Help, northern France, which sports a 60 metre tower, was destroyed by an April 5th fire. The building’s structure was not damaged although a historic altarpiece was lost in the flames.
Police took a man into custody who was seen on surveillance camera as the last person leaving the church before the fire broke out.
No word yet on whether the perpetrator was a mentally unhinged sex addict, a Muslim extremist or a White Supremacist with white privileges.”
Continuing on, Renfield read, “In other news, Archbishop Michel Aupetit of Paris had an escargot and cheese fondue cream pie thrown in his face by an invisible entity. Although a Harvey Wallbanger drinking altar boy claims that the perpetrator was a 6 foot 8 tall purple coloured bunny rabbit with big pink floppety ears.
The escargot and cheese fondue cream pieing took place a day after Archbishop Michel Aupetit had launched canonical proceedings against the traditionalist Tridentine Latin Mass priest Father Marc Guelfucci the parish priest of St. Eugene et St. Cecile Church in Paris for not worshipping the Holy, Blessed and Eternal Virus Scamdemic during last weekend’s Holy Saturday Easter Eve vigil.”
Meanwhile American President Joe Biden, who had tripped and fallen 72 times during his walk from the Oval Office door to his Oval Office desk, asked one of his aides, “What’s this Poseidon 2M39 torpedo?”.
His aide replied, “It’s Russia’s new superweapon. An unmanned stealth torpedo that can evade coastal defences by travelling along the sea floor.”
“Do we have one of those?” Biden asked as his fingers fell 33 times on his desk trying to reach for a pen.
“No, it’s like the Keystone Pipeline,” his aide answered, “Environmentally unsafe.”
“Good thing we don’t have it then,” Biden inhaled his marijuana pot smoking desert cactus plant Sweet Dementia’s exhaled cactus pot smoke.
And while all this was happening, Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing was talking to Peter Whitstable (the man they call the Fox Mulder of Interpol) via Skype.
“Did you hear about the Russian Ministry of Health Report released today?” Whitstable asked.
“No, what did it say?” Van Helsing inquired.
“Well, Russia acted against WHO regulations and dissected a group of Covid-19 patients,” Whitstable pointed out.
“Wait, are you saying WHO doesn’t allow autopsies to be performed on people who are supposed to have died from Covid-19?” Van Helsing wanted to know.
“That’s right,” Whitstable nodded.
“Then how do they know they actually died from Covid-19?” Van Helsing asked.
Whitstable shrugged, “Anyways, they discovered that those people they dissected didn’t die from a virus. They died from extended radiation poisoned bacteria.”
“Extended radiation poisoned bacteria?” Van Helsing had never even heard of such a dystopian sci-fi term, “That sounds like something produced in a Xi Jinping approved CCP science experiment.”
“Which is probably what it is,” Whitstable admitted, “Anyways these extended radiation poisoned bacteria lead to the formation of blood clots in veins and nerves. Anyways with these blood clots in the veins and nerves, the brain, lungs and heart cannot properly oxygenate which makes it difficult for people to breathe and people die quickly with lack of breathing energy.”
“Would this phenomenon be true of all Covid-19 patients?” Van Helsing asked, “And isn’t bacteria dfferent from a virus? And if the Russian autopsies (which the CCP stooge and puppet Dr. Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus asked people not to perform) are accurate, it sounds like what we’re dealing with here is definitely a man-made phenomenon and not some disease caused by a virus jumping from one species to another.”
“That would be my conclusion as well,” Whitstable nodded.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday April 8th
2021.
Hera and The Gangsters
The Greek goddess Hera starring in a 1930s Broadway play about gangsters
It was the decade of the 1930s.
And the Greek goddess Hera was honing her theatrical skills by starring in a Broadway play about gangsters.
It was dress rehearsal night – the evening before the official opening.
Hera was awaiting the arrival of the gangster boss Big Frank Malone.
A man came on stage wearing a fedora hat and gangster suit and carrying a big violin case.
Hera, speaking out of character, said, “You don’t look like John Barrymore to me.”
“I’m afraid John is a bit under the weather tonight,” the understudy replacement for John Barrymore replied.
“How many bottles did he have to drink today?” Hera asked.
“You know the real Barrymore obviously,” Dracul Van Helsing, who had time travelled from the future and was now playing the role of Big Frank Malone in this play about gangsters, replied.
“That’s funny,” the ghost of Orson Welles, who had likewise time travelled from the future, remarked as he sat in the front row, “I don’t ever recall John Barrymore starring in a play about gangsters.”
“He possibly drank before each performance and never made it to the stage,” Van Helsing noted.
“By Jove, I think you’re right,” Welles agreed.
“Please, don’t use one of my husband’s Roman names,” Hera stood up.
“I forgot,” Welles bowed, “I do apologize.”
Hera approached Van Helsing, “Well, Dracul, since you’ve come from the future to step in for the great John Barrymore, perhaps we can do an improvisational performance tonight.”
“And what improvisational performance did you have in mind?” Van Helsing inquired.
“How about making out here on the stage?” Hera smiled.
And Hera and Van Helsing did just that.
“Not again,” Welles’ ghost buried his ghostly head in his ghostly hands.
As Hera and Van Helsing made out, soon thunder and lightning flashed around the stage.
“And furthermore, I just would happen to be in the very theatre on the night the Greek god Zeus decided to attend a Broadway play,” Welles’ ghost sighed.
The next day a hangover stricken John Barrymore was asked what happened to the theatre as it lay in ruins.
“Well, I know people are once again going to say this was a hallucination brought on by too much drink on my part,” Barrymore commented, “but it was an angry and cuckholded Greek god Zeus who destroyed this theatre because his wife the Olympian queen Hera was making out with a mortal.”
The members of the New York press laughed and shook their heads.
And that was the reason history has no record of John Barrymore starring in a Broadway play about gangsters.
The ghost of radio announcer Paul Harvey appeared in front of the lightning produced charred ashes of the theatre and gave his usual radio show sign-off, “And now you know the rest of the story.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday March 1st
2021.
Maria Orsic and The Turing Jukebox Computer
Maria Orsic and The Turing Jukebox Computer
Two rogue agents for MI-5 (although no one in MI-5 knew they were rogue agents) informed British Prime Minister Boris Johnson that the Occult and Paranormal Research Division of Interpol was aware of his midnight meetings with zombie nosferatu that were going on in the ballroom of the newly opened Imperial Aurora Hotel in London and that it might be a good idea if he ceased these meetings for the time being.
A spy for Interpol at 10 Downing Street informed Interpol agent Peter Whitstable the head of the Occult and Paranormal Research Division of the warning from the MI-5 rogue agents which inspired messy haired Boris Johnson (who was still unaware of the invention of the comb that had taken place centuries earlier) to cancel further meetings.
Whitstable thus called an end to the Interpol sting operation at the Imperial Aurora Hotel which would have exposed the Johnson-zombie nosferatu meetings.
The Lakota Sioux Princess Tanaka returned to her flat in central London (she had rented a room right in the Imperial Aurora Hotel which would have allowed her close contact to the ballroom).
Dracul Van Helsing likewise returned to his flat in East London.
And Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun was currently at the Set Enterprises laboratory recovering from a massive hangover having drunk the contents of 1001 bottles of Hendrik’s Gin which successfully brought him back from the dead for the 2nd time in two months.
Van Helsing was soon off another mission however.
This one with the ghost of Orson Welles.
Van Helsing and Welles were to use the Houdini-Tesla-Pantages-Welles-Lamarr Magic Lantern to travel back in time to the year 1953.
Apparently Whitstable’s contacts at NASA told him that the great mathematician Alan Turing (who had developed the computing machine that cracked the Enigma Nazi Code) had in 1953 developed a computer whose purpose was to pick up signals from extraterrestrial life forms in the universe.
The computer for whatever reason was hidden inside a jukebox on a table in the office of a Chelsea cafe.
And then disappeared mysteriously just as MI-5 agents raided the cafe.
Now it was believed to be in the home of a Havana Cuba based Neo-Nazi billionaire Robur Pike according to the visions of DARPA’s psychic lobster Van Gogh’s All Hearing Ear (who was a distant cousin of Set Enterprises’ psychic lobster Michelangelo).
When asked for his analysis, Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster typing on his own waterproof laptop computer said that the Turing jukebox computer had been stolen in 1953 by the vampire Franz Kohler of the Nazi SS Ahnenerbe Occult Bureau.
Kohler had, according to Michelangelo, time traveled from this month and this year back to 1953 to steal the Turing jukebox computer just before MI-5 agents arrived at the Chelsea cafe to take control of the machine.
The solution was to send a time traveler back in time to grab the Turing jukebox computer before Kohler could do so.
Thus Van Helsing and Welles were on their way back to that Chelsea cafe in ’53.
Arriving on the scene, Van Helsing and Welles came face to face with:
Maria Orsic and The Turing Juke Box Computer
Maria Orsic was an immortal.
She was a medium who had been head of the German Vril Society.
Van Helsing had met her on a time traveling mission before when the vampire hunter had time traveled back to Washington DC in the late 1930s.
Welles’ ghost had recalled that Van Helsing had made out with Maria Orsic on that occasion.
“So, Van Helsing,” Maria Orsic smiled at him, “I suppose you’re hear to steal the Turing Jukebox Computer before the vampire Franz Kohler of the Nazi SS Ahnenerbe Occult Bureau arrives on the scene?”.
“I am,” Van Helsing nodded.
“But I think I better spank you first,” Maria produced a rather sturdy wooden hairbrush.
“I think you’re right,” Van Helsing started taking his clothes off.
“Not again,” Welles’ ghost moaned as he buried his ghostly head in his ghostly hands.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday February 23rd
2021.
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