The Hamburg G-20 and Renfield’s Return To Britain
The Hamburg G-20 and Renfield’s Return To Britain
At the recent G-20 Summit in Hamburg, Germany, a protestor shouted at Donald Trump, “Your daughter Ivanka would make a better President than you.”
To which the Donald responded much to the protestor’s shock, “You’re probably right.”
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was then asked by a protestor, “If I shot and killed a U.S. soldier, would you give me $10.5 million like your government gave Omar Khadr?”.
“You don’t understand this is a Canadian Charter of Rights issue,” Justin blubbered before taking his shirt off to pose for a selfie with a young pretty German fräulein.
“Are you sure this wasn’t just a major bimbo eruption on the part of your government?” The Niburuan ET gray Gali-Gula asked him.
Justin gave him the finger.
Gali-Gula looked down and thought to himself, “That’s what I get for wearing this I Love Alberta t-shirt that I bought on my recent trip to Alberta.”
A Canadian reporter in the crowd remembered the words of wisdom that the learned historical archivist Jack Morrow (son of the late 1st Chief Justice of the Northwest Territories Mr. Justice W.G. Morrow) said at the time that Pierre Elliot Trudeau repatriated the Canadian Constitution with an entrenched Charter of Rights back in 1982, “Well now that the overaged Marxist flower child Pierre has repatriated the Constitution with an entrenched Charter of Rights, soon the only Canadians with rights left in the country will be criminals and perverts.”
With the awarding of $10.5 million to the terrorist Omar Khadr by the Justin Trudeau government, the learned Jack Morrow’s prophecy had come true.
German Chancellor Angela Merkel was asked how she enjoyed the sauerkraut and sausages in Hamburg.
“Loved it,” she replied.
. . .
Newly elected British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield had finally returned to Britain after what he described “as a successful personal Tour de France.”
“What was the purpose of your visit to France?” A reporter asked the new politician described as “Britain’s most dynamic ” in comparison to such fossils as Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn.
“To establish better relations with the French people,” Renfield shoved some condoms back in his pants pocket that seemed to insist on falling out.
“What political figure do you most feel a kinship to?” Another reporter asked.
“John F. Kennedy,” Renfield finally got the condoms back in place.
“What did you think of the anti-capitalist protestors at the G-20 Summit in Hamburg?” A BBC reporter asked Renfield.
“They should have used real cannons on them instead of water cannons,” Renfield replied.
“What do you think of Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau?” A Globe and Mail reporter asked Renfield.
“The man’s a total ass,” Renfield answered, “It’s my friend Dracul Van Helsing who really should be Prime Minister of Canada.”
Watching the press conference on television, the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec inwardly agreed.
Somehow she’d find a way to make Dracul Van Helsing Prime Minister of Canada.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday July 9th
2017.
Dracul, Aphrodite and Ares
When Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing returned to his office at MI-6 Diablos Nocturna Division Headquarters, he was surprised to see the Greek goddess Aphrodite sitting there waiting for him.
“Aphrodite,” Dracul said, “What a pleasant surprise. Have you brought more news about Hephaestus?”.
“No,” Aphrodite shook her head, “Hephaestus has given up building missiles for North Korea’s Kim Jong-un. He’s now working on building incredible machines for a steampunk genre sci-fi film about Jack the Ripper escaping down the Thames River in a submarine.”
“I’ll have to see that movie when it comes out,” said Dracul.
“Have you seen the new Wonder Woman film?” Aphrodite asked.
“Not yet,” said Dracul, “but I’d like to. It sounds like an excellent film judging from the reviews. It’s set against the background of the First World War which I’ve recently started studying. The First World War is often overshadowed by World War II and yet World War II would not have happened without the events set in motion during World War I.”
“Do you know what the film is about?” The goddess asked.
“Diana battling Ares the god of war,” Dracul answered.
“Yes, and the film seems to be somewhat prophetic,” Aphrodite stated, “my brother Ares is now under the impression that he should really start World War III at the moment.”
“Well, all the chess pieces are certainly now in place,” Dracul conceded, “Vladimir Putin is in the Middle East, Donald Trump is in the Oval Office, Kim Jong-un is in the nuthouse playground building missiles, Saudi Arabia and Iran are now making war noises against one another, and an airhead is now Prime Minister of the British Empire.”
“That’s about it,” said Aphrodite.
Dracul Van Helsing alerted Peter Whitstable the Fox Mulder of Interpol as to the Greek war god’s plans.
“Anything else?” Dracul inquired of Aphrodite.
“Have you been a good boy this past week?” Aphrodite asked him.
“No, I haven’t,” Dracul admitted, “I’ve been a very naughty boy.”
“Well then,” Aphrodite smoothed her skirt, “you better get across my knee and I’ll give you a good spanking.”
Dracul did so.
Aphrodite gave him a good spanking.
And then they made wild passionate love afterwards.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday June 18th
2017.
Qonzilqointec, Dracul and The Dolphins
The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec was anxiously waiting for Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing in her Brighton seaside resort hotel.room.
When he entered, she turned swiftly around in her slit skirted peach evening dress and threw out her arms towards him, “Dracul.”
Dracul ran towards her.
They embraced.
Soon Dracul and the Aztec vampire princess were down on the elegant French style sofa making wild passionate love.
On the television in the next room, BBC News TV cameras were focused on the swearing-in of new Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds MP Renfield R. Renfield.
“Mr. Renfield, is it true that you’re the greatest lover in Britain?” A reporter asked Renfield.
“Yes, it is,” Renfield answered.
Meanwhile in Brighton, Qonzilqointec was having the mother of all orgasms.
Renfield turned to his parliamentary aide behind him, “I hate to lie on my first day in office. See what we can do about deporting Dracul Van Helsing out of the country.”
Later down on the Brighton beach, Qonzilqointec and Dracul were making love in the sand.
“Isn’t this what Olivia Newton John and John Travolta did in Grease?” Qonzilqointec moaned in ecstasy.
“I think it was Brylcreem rather than ordinary grease that Travolta used,” Dracul answered with the heaving and pounding of the waves on the beach that matched the heaving and pounding of vampire hunter and vampiress.
Soon as the waves surrounded them and Qonzilqointec shouted, “My God, I’ve never felt so wet,” a pod of dolphins surrounded them.
“Look,” said Qonzilqointec, “we have an audience.”
“Dolphins in Brighton,” Dracul said, “that doesn’t happen very often.”
“They’ve come to watch our lovemaking,” Qonzilqointec sighed
“Never thought I’d end up a High School Biology teacher for dolphins,” Dracul remarked.
And the show went on for hours.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday June 16th
2017.
Yet Another UK Campaign Debate With Renfield
The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec was visiting Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing over in England.
They decided to drive up to the town of Tewkesbury to see British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative candidate Renfield R. Renfield in action.
Renfield’s campaign debate comments and antics had become the talk of the British nation in what was otherwise a very dull election campaign.
At his most recent campaign debate, he had held up a very realistic looking replica severed head of American comedian Kathy Griffin.
Qonzilqointec and Dracul had arrived at the town hall in Tewkesbury just in time for the debate to begin.
The subject of the debate was the United Kingdom’s Place In The Modern World.
Renfield wore a t-shirt with a photoshopped picture of himself peering out from the knockers of Demi Lovato wearing a low-cut dress.
When the subject came to the issue of Anglo-Latin American relations, Renfield suddenly dashed behind a changing screen.
He then returned wearing a tight-fitting flashy matador’s costume and hat.
He grabbed the microphone and began singing his own personal paraphrase of an old Tom Jones song:
That young new Mexican puppeteer
all the people they all lived in fear
of that young new Mexican puppeteer
He took some fire and he took some wood
he made a puppet and he looked good
and played strings like only a puppeteer could…
“He must be singing about my spiritual godfather Quetzalcoatl when he showed up in Mexico centuries ago,” Qonzilqointec whispered to Dracul Van Helsing.
“Only Renfield can come up with a song that’s better than the original,” Dracul answered.
“Madame Chairwoman,” sitting incumbent British Conservative MP Agathor Christie got up from his chair and angrily addressed debate moderator Sherrielock Holmes, “I really must strenuously object to Candidate Renfield’s comments and antics during these Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds constituency campaign debates. He’s making me look positively boring by comparison.”
“Agathor,” Sherrielock Holmes admonished, “Even if you were in a room all by yourself, you’d still look positively boring by comparison.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday June 2nd
2017.
Mermaid Miranda’s Revelation Part 2
“The reason,” Miranda the mermaid looked at Nathan the Controller of the Golem, “that the mermaid goddess Atargatis wants to destroy Israel is because of her daughter Semiramis. Semiramis has formed an alliance with the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith who, of course, has always wanted to destroy Israel and the Jews because she claims that the Babylonian Talmud maligned and libeled her good name.”
“Yes, Lilith once poisoned my Scotch whisky with polonium-210 while I was sitting in a London pub,” Nathan recalled, “it was Set Enterprises’ resident mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher who saved my life with an antidote to polonium-210 that he invented.”
“I heard about that, Nathan,” Miranda looked at him sympathetically.
“But what caused Semiramis to form an alliance with Lilith?” Nathan asked.
“Her first husband Nimrod returned to Earth a few years ago aboard a UFO with a bunch of ET grays,” Miranda explained, “and the ship crashed near Tuktoyaktuk, Canada north of the Arctic Circle. Nimrod’s body was recovered and taken to a secret lab near Washington DC. Lilith stole Nimrod’s body and brought him back to life. Only the magic kiss Lilith used to bring Nimrod back to life went awry and the princely ruler of ancient Babel was turned into a little green frog. He now hangs out between the breasts of Lilith in her low-cut evening dresses.”
“Sounds like Nimrod has become every teen-aged boy’s fantasy come true,” Nathan thought aloud to himself.
“Is it every human teen boy’s fantasy to be like Kermit the Frog?” Miranda looked quizzically at Nathan.
“Um… no,” Nathan shook his head. “so I take it that Semiramis has formed an alliance with Lilith since Nimrod has become (ahem!) so close to Lilith.”
“That is correct,” Miranda nodded.
“And Atargatis in turn has naturally joined in alliance with her daughter Semiramis who’s aligned with Lilith,” Nathan was beginning to see the light.
The morning sun peered through the aquarium lab’s windows.
Meanwhile in Saudi Arabia, U.S. President Donald Trump had arrived with First Lady Melania Trump.
Donald: I didn’t see any mermaids down in the desert sands of Saudi Arabia.
Melania: That’s probably because they’re swimming in the ocean.
Over in London, vampire hunter and MI-6 operative Dracul Van Helsing had received a phone call from Peter Whitstable the Fox Mulder of Interpol.
“Dracul,” Whitstable began, “I’ve been doing some research on the famous 17th Century Jesuit scholar Father Athanasius Kircher. He apparently had in his possession some ancient Greek mechanism that was the equivalent of our analogue computers.It also served as an orrery to predict astronomical positions and eclipses. But according to the diary entry of Father Kircher’s I’ve come across, the mechanism could also be used to locate mermaids. Sadly the mechanism disappeared on the night of Father Kircher’s death.”
“You know what, Peter,” Dracul leafed through the pages of his ancestor Captain Dante Van Helsing’s journal, “I have an idea where that mechanism is now.”
“Where?” Whitstable asked.
“It’s now called the Antikythera Mechanism and it’s to be found in the National Archaeological Museum in Athens, Greece.” Van Helsing answered.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday May 20th
2017.
Mermaid Miranda’s Revelation
The mermaid who called herself Miranda had once again awakened in the salt water tank in the Israeli government aquatics laboratory in Tel Aviv.
The Controller of the Golem (a Mossad agent who went by that code name) came down to see her.
“Nice to see you awake, Miranda,” the Controller brought her roses wondering if a mermaid would like them.
She did.
She smelled them and smiled.
“Thank you, Nathan,” she said once again calling him by his first name known to few outside Mossad or the Israeli Prime Minister’s office.
“You’re welcome,” Nathan smiled at her.
Then she turned serious, “I landed on the beach at Tel Aviv to warn you and your people.”
“Warn us about what?” Nathan asked.
“The goddess Atargatis ancestress of all mermaids wants to destroy your nation,” Miranda looked grim.
Nathan knew his classical Near Eastern mythology.
Atargatis was a northern Syria goddess.
She was called Derketo by the Greeks and Dea Syriae by the Romans.
The goddess Atargatis fell in love with a mortal (a shepherd) and had a child by him- Semiramis.
One cruel day, Atargatis unintentionally killed her love and the father of her child.
Ashamed, she flung herself into a lake near Ashkelon and was turned into the form of a fish but the waters could not conceal her divine beauty.Thereafter she took the form of a mermaid- human above the waist, fish below.
Atargatis’ daughter Semiramis became a legendary Assyrian queen and was said to have been married to the biblical Nimrod (founder of Babel) and later Ninus (founder of the city of Nineveh).
A 19th Century Free Church of Scotland minister Alexander Hislop had several wet dreams about Semiramis inspiring him to label the Roman Catholic Church the Whore of Babylon and to write a book about the subject called The Two Babylons.
Nathan’s thoughts of his Ph.D Program in Classical Mythology at Cambridge University returned to the present.
“Why,” Nathan asked Miranda, “does the mermaid goddess Atargatis want to destroy Israel?”.
. . .
U.S. President Donald Trump was flying en route to Saudi Arabia when he was handed an NSA report that certain mermaids were plotting to destroy Israel.
Trump was angry when he read the report.
“How,” Trump blew both his top and his toupee, “am I supposed to tweet about this? Especially after I just called former FBI director James Comey a real nut job? And especially in lieu of the fact that polls indicate that some Americans think I’m off my rocker myself?”.
. . .
Dracul Van Helsing was reading the journal of one of his 17th Century ancestors Captain Dante Van Helsing.
The journal had been found floating in a wooden chest on the Aegian Sea after his ancestor’s ship The Virgil went down on his final voyage.
The last entry said that Dante had been turned on by the sight of sirens singing on a rock.
When he neared the rock, a mermaid who called herself Thessalonike of Macedon appeared.
Dracul knew that according to history, Thessalonike of Macedon was the half-sister of Alexander the Great.
According to legend, Alexander had found the Fountain of Immortality and had filled a flask of water from it.
He washed his sister’s hair with the flask.
When Alexander died, his grief-stricken sister threw herself into the sea.
Instead of drowning, she became an immortal mermaid.
When she encountered sailors, she always asked them the same question, “Is Alexander the king alive?”.
The correct answer in her opinion would be, “He lives and reigns and conquers the world.”
If given this answer, she would allow the crew and their ship to sail safely away in calm seas.
Any other answer would send her into a rage and she’d cause the waves to send the ship and every sailor on board to the bottom.
The journal entry ended with Dante saying that Thessalonike had just appeared.
Obviously Dante’s answer of Thessalonike’s question was not to her liking.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday May 19th
2017.
Dracul Van Helsing and The 84-Year-Old Kidnapping Mystery
Dracul Van Helsing had just received a text message from the Greek goddess Aphrodite.
She had gone to Pyongyang North Korea and convinced her husband Hephaestus to stop building missiles for Kim Jong-un.
He agreed.
The trouble was he had already built 666 missiles for Kim Jong-un.
And the missile of his that North Korea had launched this past weekend had been successful.
In addition, an ancient Persian talismanic image that had been painted on each missile (showing the image of a scorpion attacking the testicles of a white bull with the words IN HOC SIGNO VINCES above the image) seemed to ensure the missiles’ success.
Kim Jong-un had been instructed to paint the image and the accompanying Latin slogan on his missiles by a beautiful Korean vampiress who was a disciple of the Persian demonic god-prince Ahriman.
The Korean vampiress appeared wearing a white gown to Kim Jong-un and gave him his instructions.
She was known to Kim only as the Mysterious Woman In White.
Aphrodite’s information to Dracul had been confirmed in a report sent to him by his friend Peter Whitstable the Fox Mulder of Interpol.
Whitstable did not tell Van Helsing that the source for his information was Dracul’s ex-girlfriend the South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan (now an agent for the South Korean National Intelligence Service who was currently spying in North Korea).
Dracul decided to phone Whitstable to further discuss the report.
After rehashing what had been said in the original report, Whitstable said, “Oh Dracul, there’s something else.”
“What would that be?” Dracul asked.
“Kim Jong-un apparently has an advisor- an Englishman who was loaned to him from the People’s Republic of China,” Whitstable stated.
“An Englishman who used to work for the People’s Republic of China and now works for North Korea’s dictator?” Dracul was amazed, “Who is this Englishman?”.
“Do you recall reading in your history books about the kidnapping of Byron Jennings back in the early 1930s?” Whitstable inquired.
“That was the case referred to by the North American press at the time as Britain’s Charles Lindbergh Jr. Kidnapping,” Dracul recalled, “although Byron Jennings was considerably older than Charles Lindbergh Jr. Byron was the grandson of a leading member of the British House of Lords at the time Lord Oswald Jennings as well as the son of a not so leading British Conservative MP of the day Spencer Jennings. Rumour had it that Byron had been kidnapped by Mei-ling Manchu the real life daughter of the real life Fu Manchu.”
“That is correct, Dracul,” Whitstable acknowledged, “and that’s who is currently advising Kim Jong-un. None other than Byron Jennings who was kidnapped as an 8-year-old-boy 84 years ago.”
“Good lord,” said Dracul, “he must now be in his 90s.”
“He is,” Whitstable admitted, “but he doesn’t look it. He’s a vampire.”
“Really?” said Dracul, “Who turned him into a vampire?”.
“Mei-ling Manchu the daughter of Fu Manchu,” Whitstable answered, “who’s currently alive and Undead and well and living as a vampiress in Beijing.”
After talking with Whistable for a while longer, Dracul then telephoned Inspector Depp of Scotland Yard and told him to finally close the books on an 84-year-old kidnapping mystery.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday May 18th
2017.
Mei-ling Manchu becoming a vampiress after becoming a red dress Communist
Avalon Rising: A Poem
And so from Xanadu the mighty Kublai Khan might decree
but did he ever make out with the goddess Aphrodite?
Dracul Van Helsing thought while returning from Athens
and attending service of Glastonbury Abbey matins
among those ancient ruins
far from desert sand dunes.
The Welsh Vampiress Morgana visited Dracul
a break from campaigning against a werewolf fool
in the constituency of Newbridge in Wales
principality ruled by Charles Prince of Tails
Now this vampiress was a niece of Morgan Le Fay
for this vamp had been around since medieval day
and she told Dracul that he was descended from both Morgan Le Fay and King Arthur
making Dracul a king and not just a knight with a knighthood to be called “Sir”
For her aunt the sorceress Morgana and Arthur had another child besides Mordred
the one who at the battle of Camlann both he and Arthur mortally bled
this child was a girl sent to Ireland for safekeeping
as Camelot was overrun by blood and weeping
And Dracul was descended from this princess royal
who was born Morgan and Arthur’s child on Avalon soil
And so after hearing this from Morgana, he wandered far from Glastonbury Tor
this vampiric news that had him hit the ceiling and not the royal floor
he wandered across plains and through trees seeing a doe and her fawn
then he looked and saw the mists of Avalon rising through the dawn
He had once pulled a sword out of a stone in Cornwall many years ago
and now it looked like prophecy would unfold- Avalon’s rising- ’tis so.
-A poem written by Christopher
Monday May 15th 2017.
Lilith, Asmodeus, Kim Jong-un and Aphrodite
The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith stood on the Mount of Olives overlooking the old city of Jerusalem.
Alongside her was the grey wolf formerly known as Adolf Hitler (his spirit was granted a temporary leave of absence from the Underworld by permission of Hades and Persephone and he had entered and possessed the body of a grey wolf).
Lilith had found the grey wolf wandering the streets of Kiev, Ukraine (where she was currently living) and had adopted the creature as her pet.
She brought him with her to the Holy Land.
“Someday,” Lilith bragged to the grey wolf, “we shall rid this land of all the Jews.”
“Sounds like a splendid idea to me,” the lupine former Fuhrer wagged his tail.
Meanwhile in France, the demon Asmodeus was visiting the village of Rennes-le-Chateau and more specifically the Church of Saint Mary Magdalene.
He had heard that there was a statue of himself holding up the holy water stoup inside the Church.
“A very good likeness,” Asmodeus grinned as he lit a cigarette and took a selfie of himself alongside the statue and posted it to Facebook.
Meanwhile back at the Presidential Palace in Caracas, Venezuela, Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro was in hot water.
His residence was one of the few places in Venezuela where the hot water was still working.
But none of this concerned the megalomaniacal President as he sat in his bath tub text messaging with his ally North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un.
Kim Jong-un boasted to Maduro on his Skype screen, “I’ve got the Greek god Hephaestus designing and making my missiles for me.”
Meanwhile in Athens, Greece, the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing had been informed by MI-6’s Diablos Nocturna Division that Hephaestus was now making missiles for Kim Jong-un.
He had arrived in Greece for one purpose.
To convince the Greek goddess Aphrodite to go to Pyongyang North Korea and convince her husband Hephaestus to stop making missiles for Kim Jong-un.
“Why should I do that for you, Dracul Van Helsing?” She asked the Canadian vampire hunter who was also an operative for MI-6.
“I’ll give you an entire evening of reasons why,” said Dracul.
After an evening of passionate love making, Aphrodite got up and greeted the dawn.
“All right,” Aphrodite cooed at Dracul, “I’ll go.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday May 13th
2017.
Qonzilqointec On 70th Anniversary of Roswell UFO Crash
July 7, 2017 at 6:50 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, Dracul Van Helsing, ET grays, Gali-Gula, Justin Trudeau, Nibiru, Princess Qonzilqointec, Qonzilqointec, Roswell New Mexico, Roswell UFO Crash, The Canadian Vampire Hunter Dracul Van Helsing, The ET Gray Gali-Gula, UFO, UFO Researcher Jacques Vallee)
Qonzilqointec On 70th Anniversary of Roswell UFO Crash
French UFO researcher Jacques Vallee was sipping cognac and reflecting on how it was 70 years ago today that a UFO flying saucer was said to have crashed on a ranch near the town of Roswell New Mexico.
Later the crashed vehicle was said to be just a downed weather balloon.
Although others had speculated that the crashed vehicle was a self-conscious self-aware Hoover vacuum cleaner that had a premonitory vision of the message implied in Richard Bach’s 1970s bestseller Jonathan Livingston Seagull.
Vallee didn’t know what to think about the incident.
ET better phone the nearest American Automobile Association Auto Club, was that what happened ? Vallee wondered.
His housekeeper entered the room to tell Vallee about two phone calls for him.
Mikhail Gorbachev was on Line 1 and Pope Francis was on Line 2.
. . .
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was currently attending the G-20 Summit in Hamburg Germany.
As he munched on his Hamburg hamburger alongside German Chancellor Angela Merkel, he reflected on the huge gaffe he had made in Ottawa at last weekend’s Canada Day 150th Anniversary.
He had mentioned every province and territory in Canada in his Canada Day speech except the province of Alberta (the home of famous Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing).
When he left the stage and was informed of his gaffe, he came back and said, “I love you, Alberta” and blew a kiss at the TV cameras causing a wide-eyed teen-aged girl in the crowd (whose name was Alberta) to swoon and faint.
Trudeau’s failure to mention Alberta had angered some Albertans who still remembered Justin’s father Pierre Elliot Trudeau’s energy wars of the 1970s and early 1980s with then Alberta Premier Peter Lougheed over control of the province’s oil and natural gas resources.
Pierre Trudeau’s National Energy Program (NEP) had siphoned billions of dollars from Alberta’s provincial coffers into his own federal government’s treasury.
After bringing in the NEP and figuratively giving Albertans the finger, Pierre Trudeau then literally gave Albertans the finger while crossing through the Province’s Rocky Mountains by train.
Justin Trudeau’s neglect in mentioning Alberta by name at the Canada 150 celebrations in the Canadian nation’s capital of Ottawa struck some Albertans as the son’s equivalent of the father’s giving them the finger.
But really, Justin reflected, it was an accident.
An accident caused by the ET gray from Nibiru named Gali-Gula making funny faces at him while he was speaking.
Justin had promised to legalize marijuana during the 2015 Canadian federal election campaign- a promise which won him numerous seats in British Columbia’s Lower Mainland.
After winning the election, Justin started his own personal one man investigation into the after effects of smoking marijuana.
And whenever he smoked pot, those were the only times that Gali-Gula (the ET gray from Nibiru whose body was possessed by the ghost of the late earthling ancient Roman Emperor Caligula) appeared to him.
Justin had resolved not to smoke any pot ahead of the Canada 150 celebrations.
That way he wouldn’t be seeing Gali-Gula and he also wouldn’t anger the crowd by eating up all the hot dogs at the hot dog stand when he got the munchies.
The trouble was when he got up on the stage, some in the crowd were celebrating Canada’s 150th birthday by smoking pot themselves and Justin had the misfortune of inhaling much of the smoke.
So then Gali-Gula appeared to him just as he was about to mention Alberta by name.
Gali-Gula stuck two fingers in both his ears and then stuck his tongue out making a funny face at the Canadian Prime Minister.
This action on the ET gray’s part totally discombobulated Justin and he forgot to mention Alberta.
Later when Justin came back and said, “I love you, Alberta”, Gali-Gula decided to fly to Alberta and land on the UFO Flying Saucer landing pad in the town of Saint Paul, Alberta built in Canada’s centennial year of 1967.
Gali-Gula’s UFO driving narrowly missed making an omelette out of the world’s largest Ukrainian coloured Easter egg near the town of Vegreville, Alberta and narrowly missed making shredded duck out of the statue of the world’s largest duck outside the town of Andrew, Alberta.
“So,” Chancellor Angela said to Prime Minister Justin over his hamburger rousing him from his thoughts, “I said to Donald, either pee or get off the pot.”
. . .
The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec walked the streets of Roswell New Mexico.
She wore a black dress in mourning for the lives lost at Roswell 70 years ago.
Her Samsung mobile phone rang.
She answered.
It was Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing phoning.
They chatted.
Suddenly Qonzilqointec could hear the sounds of gunfire coming from the other end of the phone.
“Dracul, what’s happening?” Qonzilqointec asked.
“Some assassins tried to shoot me,” Dracul answered, “but I shot and killed them first with my Uzi sub machine gun that was given to me as a gift by the host of the Israeli reality TV series Battle of The Rabbis: Orthodox vs. Reformed vs. Conservative vs. Golda’s Uncle’s Lox and Cream Cheese Bagel Worshiping Cult.”
“Who were the assassins?” Qonzilqointec asked, “Agents sent by an evil Transylvanian baron from his lair in the Carpathians?”.
“No,” Dracul replied, “They were operatives from the CPL.”
“CPL?” Qonzilqointec queried.
“The Calgary Public Library,” Dracul answered, “They claimed I forgot to return a book. But it wasn’t true. The only book I ever borrowed from them was an Archie comic book graphic novel called Afterlife With Archie about Jughead Jones leading a zombie apocalypse attack on the community of Riverdale. But I returned it. I even have a receipt slip showing that I did. But Calgary Public Library operatives’ instructions are to shoot first and ask questions later.”
“I see,” Qonzilqointec sighed sadly.
“So you’re at Roswell eh?” Dracul asked.
“Yes,” Qonzilqointec nodded, “wondering what happened here 70 years ago?”.
“Maybe some poor snook ET gray forgot to return a book to the Calgary Public Library so CPL operatives fired a surface-to-air missile that hit his craft just above Roswell New Mexico,” Dracul speculated.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday July 7th 2017.
The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec in mourning for the victims of the Roswell crash.
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