An Evening At The Mermaid Art Exhibit

January 21, 2017 at 1:35 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Espionage, International Intrigue, Mythology, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

“Ladies and gentlemen,” Sir Nigel Blake-Lenin the curator of the Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery announced to those gathered at the Mermaid Art Exhibit’s opening night, “regrettably the artist Miss Charmaine Olivia will not be able to be with us this evening…”

The crowd moaned and groaned their disappointment.

“Yes,” Sir Nigel Blake-Lenin sighed in sympathy, “Miss Olivia ate some rather bad tuna fish sandwiches earlier this evening that she had thought had come from the Exhibit caterers but they turned out to have been brought in by a mysterious third party…”

“So she’s the one who ate all my tuna fish sandwiches that I had brought with me tonight,” Renfield seethed to Amadeus.

“Then you might have been the one who came down with food poisoning,” Amadeus pointed out.

“I guess every cloud has a silver lining,” Renfield grinned.

A dark cloud appeared over the gallery and an American silver dollar fell from the heavens.

The Greek god Apollo played the song Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head on his lute.

A mermaid emerged from the canvas of one of the Charmaine Olivia paintings.

The mermaid carried an umbrella and went out into the night.

“Well, at least she won’t get wet,” Amadeus said to Renfield.

The curator motioned to Apollo to stop playing his lute in case more mermaids emerged from their canvases and left the gallery before any paintings could be sold.

“So, Sir Nigel,” Sherrielock addressed the gallery curator, “is the gallery’s mysterious owner Mr. Dashwood Forrest going to put in an appearance this evening?'”.

“I talked to him on the phone an hour ago and he said he would,” Sir Nigel answered.

The mysterious enigmatic individual who called himself Dashwood Forrest had opened the gallery a few months ago but had never visited the gallery nor attended any of the exhibit openings.

Sherrielock noticed a painting at the front of the gallery that wasn’t a Charmaine Olivia.

“That painting there,” Sherrielock pointed to it, “is that a painting of Oscar Wilde?”.

“It looks like him, doesn’t it?” Sir Nigel smiled, “but it’s actually a portrait of the gallery owner Mr. Dashwood Forrest.”

“Mr. Dashwood Forrest looks like Oscar Wilde?” Sherrielock was astonished.

“Yes, he always looks quite the dandy,” Sir Nigel admitted.

“What’s a dandy?’ Amadeus asked Renfield.

“That’s a person who looks like a fag,” Renfield explained with his usual political incorrectness.

At that moment a person who looked like a zombie from one of those old time zombie horror films entered the gallery.

He held the door open for a man who looked the spitting image of a young Oscar Wilde.

“Thank you, Mulligan,” the Wilde looking gallery owner entered the gallery, “Good evening ladies and gentlemen as well as those of you who are gender neutral or are still undecided. I am Dashwood Forrest but you may just call me Dash.”

A group of men and women excitedly gathered around the new gallery owner.

“Anybody tell you that you look like a zombie?” Renfield asked Mulligan.

“Yes,” the zombie nodded with a thick Irish accent, “that’s because I am a zombie.”

“Really?’ Renfield grabbed a caviar laced cracker off a tray passing by, “What did you do in your mortal life?”.

“Well, I was best known for making my famous stews and also for cheating at golf,” Mulligan answered.

“How did you die?” Renfield swiped a plate of mushroom flambe off a passing tray.

“I drowned in a giant vat of Guinness after falling in several times,” Mulligan replied.

“Who raised you from the dead?” Renfield drank a pint of Murphy’s.

“Well that would be South African Witch Doctor Sterling Makabo,” Mulligan helped himself to a glass of Jameson’s Whiskey and toasted the failed 1808 Prussian invasion of Ireland, “he was actually trying to raise my cemetery neighbour Darcy O’ Flaherty Finnegan Riley from the dead but O’ Flaherty Finnegan Riley was a little late getting back from his wake so I decided to rise instead.”

“How did you manage to get a job with Dashwood Forrest?” Renfield queried.

“I’m not quite sure,” Mulligan scratched his decomposing chin, “Excessive drinking seems to have killed my memory.”

“I don’t imagine being dead helps your mental powers that much either,” Renfield observed.

“That too,” Mulligan had to admit.

Meanwhile Dashwood Forrest hurriedly left the party and went upstairs to his gallery office where he hurriedly locked the door.

Sherrielock Holmes was getting names for a whole new clientele for her dominatrix business.

Dr. Cadbury Rocher was boring numerous people to tears by showing them his Facebook and Instagram photos of his genetically created winged horse Pegasus and the sparrow named Ambidextrous Haberdasher who was teaching him how to fly.

The Greek god Apollo meanwhile was standing in the middle of the pouring rain outside the gallery playing a song about walking in Memphis and meeting the ghost of Elvis on his lute while he was trying to hail a taxi cab to pursue the lovely mermaid that had left the gallery earlier that night carrying an umbrella.

Amadeus Emanon was busy eating a dozen plates of potato salad and three dozen plates of cheese and crackers.

Mulligan the Irish zombie fell head first into a bowl of cocktail punch and remained in that position until Renfield revived him by chanting mantras from the Reader’s Digest Condensed Version of Dr. Sterling Makabo’s Guide To Raising Zombies From The Dead.

Such was an evening at the Mermaid Art Exhibit.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday January 10th


  1. Dracul Van Helsing said,

    Reblogged this on Dracul Van Helsing and commented:

    A vampire novel chapter I wrote over a year ago about an evening at the mermaid art exhibit which turned out to be as riotous as the Marx Brothers’ night at the opera:

  2. David Redpath said,

    Poor Oscar Wilde did hard labour
    for the ‘abominable act of buggery’.
    Now it could be Renfield’s turn
    for political incorrectness.
    When I was walking in Memphis, Egypt,
    I got asked by an Ethiopian
    priestess if I was a neo-classical
    Suspecting a trick question,
    I answered, “I am tonight!”.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      I love your great poetic paraphrase of the Marc Cohn song, David.

      And you’re right Renfield could probably do hard time for “political incorrectness”.

      In theory.

      He’d probably organize the prisoners, take over the prison, hold the warden and guards hostage and then proceed to overthrow the government.

      Renfield is a lot like Raymond Red Reddington of television’s The Blacklist.

      You can’t really keep a good “bad man” down.

      • David Redpath said,

        I’m sure Oscar would agree.
        Looking forward to the next
        nail biting, jailbaiting, episodic mushroom.

  3. Orvillewrong said,

    Totally Hilarious!

  4. thebookwormdrinketh said,

    Reader’s Digest Condensed Version of Dr. Sterling Makabo’s Guide To Raising Zombies From The Dead… I must have missed that issue. YOU LET YOUR SUBSCRIPTION LAPSE FOR 1 MONTH!! 😡☠️

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,


      Yes, you let your subscription lapse for one month and you miss all the good books they send out.

      You renew your subscription and you get How To Talk Principles of Chartered Accounting With Your Accountant and The Secrets of How To Make Watching Paint Dry More Exciting.

      • thebookwormdrinketh said,

        Hey. Those were some of of the best ones!
        You close the door on that non-ventillated room and watching that paint dry gets PRETTY EXCITING!!

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, you soon start seeing all sorts of colours that weren’t even painted on the walls. 🤪

      • thebookwormdrinketh said,

        … They’re… So… Beautiful. 😩😩

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Dolly Parton can be heard singing, “That room of many colours that my painter gave to me…”

      • thebookwormdrinketh said,

        Oh, I was thinking more of Paul McCartney’s Wings…
        “The grand old painter died last night, his paintings on the wall. Before he left, he bade us well, and said goodnight to us all,
        Drink to me,
        Drink to my health
        You know I can’t drink anymore….”

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I never did follow Wings like I did The Beatles.

        I just seemed to follow John Lennon and George Harrison after they left The Beatles.

        The lyrics of that Wings song reminds me of that old song The Old Masterpainter In The Far Away Hills whose title my mother changed to The Old Masturbator In The Far Away Hills.

      • thebookwormdrinketh said,

        Ha ha ha!!! Your mother sounds amazing! 😂😂 And the song is called “Picasso’s last words”. I used to sing it all the time when I was young… LITERALLY.. ALL THE TIME. It was that and “Thunder Child” from the Jeff Wayne’s musical version of “War of the Worlds” until my friends and teacher had an intervention… I kid you not. LOL!!

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, it was from my mother I got my sense of humour.

        Although my dad had a wonderful sense of humour as well that I inherited.

        But of course not as Mae West risqué as my mother’s sense of humour (remember it was Mae West who coined the phrase, “Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?”).

      • thebookwormdrinketh said,

        Ahhhh… Mae West. An original sex symbol. 💖💖 Who doesn’t love her?? I got my father’s sense of humour… That’s why I’m so lame. 😉😅😂🍻

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, I loved it when she paired up with W.C. Fields in film.

        It was just one classic witty line after another. 😂

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: