Goatee Slays Uglos, Renfield Poisons Apples and Allatallahbel Desolates The Vatican

December 27, 2018 at 11:56 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, Humour, International Intrigue, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee had been in a good mood on Christmas Day because he hadn’t encountered any repulsively ugly women.

He wasn’t in such a good mood yesterday because some ugly woman tried to ride alongside him on a escalator so he promptly beheaded the bitch.

Then it turned out that the grocery stores in his neighbourhood were closed for boxing day so he wasn’t able to buy any groceries.

Today wasn’t such a good day either because when he went to pick up his subsidized transit pass (Goatee got a subsidized low-income transit pass for medical reasons since his doctor had certified him as homicidally insane and therefore this made him eligible for medical benefits such as a low-income transit pass), he discovered that his photo id had expired.

The clerk gave him a low-income transit pass for next month anyways but told him he would definitely need a new photo id for next month (it was lucky for the clerk that he did that for otherwise he would have been beheaded by Pan Goatee).

“Why the Hell do you need a fucking new photo id all the time?” Goatee fumed, “Proof positive that the days of the Antichrist and the Mark of the Beast are upon us.”

He beheaded a fat ugly blimp in a wheelchair who tried to get in his way.

“You know back in my day, we used to have only good looking people in wheelchairs,” the ghost of Raymond Burr remarked to the satyr serial killer after Goatee had beheaded the fat ugly blimp.

“Mister, we could use a disabled person like Police Detective Robert Ironside again,” Pan Goatee sang a paraphrased version of that old Archie Bunker All In The Family song about Herbert Hoover.

He then beheaded a few more ugly women around the transit place.

“If Semjaza and his Merry band of Watchers came down to Earth today,” Goatee did an impromptu theological exposition on the Book of I Enoch,
“they sure as Hell wouldn’t be mating with the daughters of men now not when they look like the daughters of walruses, stoats and gargoyles.”

Goatee was momentarily pleased when he actually saw a beautiful woman wearing a short skirt and black silk pantyhose exiting a building but she was immediately followed by an ugly stoat looking woman whom he promptly beheaded.

Later on the bus ride home, Goatee encountered another ugly stoat looking woman who in addition to being stoatly ugly was wearing a fashion designer’s nightmare of barf green coloured checkered pants with unmatching yellow striped purple running shoes.

The genetically created satyr serial killer promptly beheaded her much to the relief, delight and applause of the ghosts of Oscar Wilde, Friedrich Nietzsche, Yves Saint Laurent and the still living (but almost died when he saw the colour blind hideous fashion ensemble wearing ugly looking stoat monstrosity) Karl Lagerfeld.

Later a walrus looking fat ugly blimp got off the bus in front of Pan Goatee’s house so he beheaded that creature from Hell as well.

. . .

The two chief scientists in charge of Product Development at Apple (both of whom were appointed after the death of Steve Jobs) twin brothers Dr. Shitticus Constipationio and Dr. Shitticus Diarrheaosis (both men’s family surnames were their first names) were up shit creek.

The CEO of the company Tim Cook had died after eating a poisoned apple pie given to him by British MP Renfield R. Renfield.

The gay Apple CEO had a passionate crush on the British MP who was someday expected to become Prime Minister of Britain and the Sir Winston Churchill of the 21st Century so gladly accepted the apple pie from him.

Chinese government operative Ho Babylon Minh (the granddaughter of Vietnamese President Ho Chi Minh) knew of Cook’s crush on Renfield R. Renfield and thus after putting the Dr. Cadbury Rocher designed Snow White Red Rose Black Death apples in a pie got Renfield to deliver them.

Cook’s homicide was revenge on the part of the Beijing government for the U.S. government ordered Justin Trudeau cannabis Canadian complicit arrest of Huawei CFO Meng Wanzhou at Vancouver International Airport.

Renfield agreed because he didn’t like the idea of a very attractive Asian Dragon sister like Meng Wanzhou having been put in a Vancouver jail when there were so many obnoxious ugly white women walking the streets of Calgary, Alberta, Canada and nobody was doing a damned thing about it with the exception of genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee.

Now Cook was dead and put on ice (in hopes there would be somebody who could bring him back from the dead).

In the meantime a humanoid looking robot who resembled Cook was putting in public appearances so that no one would know Cook had died.

The embarrasing part was the Tim Cook looking humanoid robot had been built and designed by Samsung (Apple’s South Korean competitor) since after Steve Jobs’ death, Apple had become incapable of building a good product.

And they the Shitticus Brothers were to blame.

. . .

Back in 855 AD, a Kabbalistic Gnostic Apostolate operating covertly in the Catholic Church had finally succeeded in putting a woman (a witch) on the papal throne as Pope John VIII.

The woman became known to history as Pope Joan.

Joannes Anglicus (her Latin name as Pope) had disguised herself as a man.

Her womanhood was revealed in 857 AD when she gave birth in the midst of a papal procession.

Now the vampiress Allatallahbel (the Vampiress Priestess of Baal) was hoping to openly be elected Pope when Francis either kicked the bucket or resigned.

The Vampiress Allatallahbel (the Vampiress Priestess of Baal) plans to become the next Pope.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday December 27th


  1. George F. said,

    OMG putting myself to bed now laughing my ass off. And, now I know this is what is inside your mind as you walk around your neighborhood. You are giving us a look inside what you’d like to do to these blimps! I love it! Sooo savage! Here’s my favorite crack up line: “They sure as Hell wouldn’t be mating with the daughters of men now not when they look like the daughters of walruses, stoats and gargoyles.” Effin eh, you’re brilliantly satirical!

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Thanks very much, George. πŸ˜ƒ

      And the line you quoted happens to be my favourite line in the chapter as well. πŸ˜†

  2. David Redpath said,

    Good news Chris. Roman Polanski is considering directing ‘Pope Joan’s Baby’s’,
    to filmed in the Philippines. He was a bit
    reluctant, being a Polish Jew, but I told him
    it could be a sequel to ‘Rosemary’s Baby’.
    But he wants to rename it ‘Rosary’s Baby’.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, I’ve seen the proposed script and cast for the film.

      Would be quite the cinematic volcanic explosion if it goes ahead.

      Mia Farrow playing Pope Joan giving birth at a age where I suppose she would still be considered young by Abraham’s wife Sarah’s standards.

      And of course Pope Joan being slain by the crowd at the birth-giving procession for having deceived the faithful and the College of Cardinals.

      And her last words before dying as Woody Allen playing a Jewish Kabbalistic rabbi who’s been advising the Kabbalistic Gnostic Apostolate clique of priests and bishops in the Church approaches and Pope Joan (played by Mia Farrow) shrieks, “At all costs, keep that man away from my child.”

      • David Redpath said,

        Casting problems, as always.
        Mia is refusing to work with
        Woody Allen, so she’s been
        replaced by Emilia Clarke
        from Game of Thrones. With
        one small rewrite. Just before the angry crowd get
        to kill Pope Joan, she and her
        baby are rescued by a fire πŸ”₯
        breathing dragon that toasts
        all the revolting peasants.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        And the Dragon will settle down to a meal of roasted pheasant and toasted peasant.

      • David Redpath said,

        Roman Polanski has decided
        the Pope Joan story is to now
        to be a musical, ‘Mamma Papa’.
        With Puff, the Magic Dragon,
        and featuring the music of
        the Mamas & the Papas.Β 

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        That should prove very interesting, the music of the Mamas and the Papas. πŸ˜†

  3. Tanya said,

    Ok Pan Goatee slaying ugly women remind me too put on some makeup πŸ’„

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