Vatican Roulette- Gambling On There Being No Hell

October 1, 2018 at 10:25 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Vatican Roulette- Gambling On There Being No Hell

Pope Francis was having a late night supper in the Vatican with Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal, the 6 last surviving Vampiric Knights-Templar, Friedrich Wotan Wiesbaden the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow, his horse a zombie black horse named Bucephalus Reborn and Amourous Laetitia the personal black cat and familiar of Hecate (the Greek goddess of witchcraft).

Samhain Cardinal Salaman (a former professional stage magician who knew how the Indonesian ghost magician The Sacred Riana and the Canadian-American magician Shin Lim performed their tricks and illusions) had been invited to the dinner but declined when he heard what was on the menu.

On the menu was pork – pork that had been found either at the bottom of a lake or the bottom of a sea by Allatallahbel’s friend the mermaid 🧜‍♀️ goddess Atargatis (who was the mother of Semiramis the famous Assyrian Queen).

The sea bound pork was becoming quite indigestible.

Bucephalus Reborn the zombie black horse was quite literally throwing up cotton from eating it.

Pope Francis promptly lost his appetite for eating cotton candy at a circus anytime in the near or far foreseeable future.

It was fortunate for the Headless Horseman Friedrich Wotan Wiesbaden that he only ate pumpkin 🎃 pie 🥧.

Thus avoiding the pork.

Amourous Laetitia decided to throw in the towel and become a vegetarian for the first time in her millennia old life.

She not only lost her pork dinner as a result of this meal but brought up her lunch as well.

That old buzzard of a vulture didn’t taste as good coming up as it did going down.

“I wonder where Atargatis got this pork from?” Allatallahbel threw up all over the gay Jesuit priest who served as Pope Francis’ valet.

Gospel of Mark Chapter 5:

Jesus exorcises the Gadarene demoniac asking the unclean spirit possessing the man, “What is thy name?” and the unclean spirit (or spirits) replies, “My name is Legion: for we are many.”

The demons possessing the man asked Christ to send them into some nearby swine.

Jesus granted them leave to do so.

The unclean spirits went into the swine and the herd of about 2000 ran off a cliff into the sea and were choked in the sea 🌊. (Mark Chapter 5: 1-20).

. . .

The leaders of the United States, Mexico and Canada announced that they had agreed to a renewed NAFTA trade deal to be renamed USMCA (United States Mexico Canada Agreement).

After Donald Trump had issued a victory tweet announcing the formation of USMCA, a group of Greenwich Village bathhouse employees wearing nothing but jockey briefs (which had pictures of Donald Trump at the back of the briefs) came out and did a dance routine on the streets bending over and singing a paraphrased version of an old 1970s Village People song, “Down at the USMCA…”

. . .

The newly installed Samhain Cardinal Salaman (former professional stage magician and ex-practicing Kabbalist) wasn’t sure whether he believed in the God of Catholicism or not.

But then years ago, Pope Francis had said that there was no Catholic God.

Still Samhain Cardinal Salaman decided to go down to Saint Raphael’s Chapel and pray to “whom it may concern”.

When he entered the chapel, he saw this vision greeting him:

A nun dressed in very unusual nun attire.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday October 1st


  1. velvetscreams said,

    Lovely💓….i enjoyed reading this especially the part were Samhain Cardinal Salaman refused coming because of the pork and the pope lost his apatite😁

  2. ortensia said,

    It was too long I didn’t indulge myself in your stories 😍

  3. David Redpath said,

    Congratulations Dracul!
    You’ve outdone even yourself,
    combining the Gospel with a
    music clip of ‘Súcubos e Incúbus’.
    I’m sure with this post, you
    could drive more than pigs
    of the proverbial cliff.
    By coincidence, my middle
    middle name is Brucephalus!
    I was so named for my long
    mane, and being equipped
    like a horse. Plus my uncles
    name is Bruce.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Thank you very much, David. 😀

      Brucephalus eh?

      So if one saw a tartan skirted wearing stallion watching bannock burn, you could call him Robert the Brucephalus. 🤣

      • David Redpath said,

        And Alexander would think
        it great, to be mounted upon
        such a fine highland stallion.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        And Alexander after watching the Sucubus video with the succubus Asherah looking sexy in Saint Raphael’s Chapel would sing to his Persian bride Roxana in a paraphrase of that song by The Police, “Roxanne, you WILL have to wear that dress tonight…”

      • David Redpath said,

        I’m sure Alexander, the great
        cross continental dresser
        and conqueror, would’ve
        closed his eyes and thought
        of Macedonia.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, Macedonia “like a virgin, touched for the very first time”.

      • David Redpath said,

        But I’m sure that Sultan Recep Erdoğan Atatürk II
        has far more nefarious plans
        for Macedonia!

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I’m sure he does.

        The work of his Ottoman Turkish prison guards will make the work of the Jesuits look like child’s play.

      • David Redpath said,

        Biting the Persian rug
        could be a sticky situation.
        Macedonia may have to
        brace for another name change.Erdoğanland?

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Only over Alexander’s dead body.

      • David Redpath said,

        From Bulgaria to Crimea,
        perhaps there’s a need for a
        Great Alexandrian Resurrection.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I definitely believe that’s true, David.

        I remember last year (or it may have been the year before – I forget now), I came across a legend that one of Alexander’s sisters turned into a mermaid after she had committed suicide so I wrote a vampire novel chapter based on that.

        I may have to bring Alexander’s mermaid sister back as an ally of Israel, Prince Vlad Dracula and the Byzantine Vampiress Theodora against the mermaid goddess Atargatis, Ottoman Sultan Recep Tayyip Erdovan and Russian President Vladimir Putin.

        In one of the Jewish historian Josephus’s works, he mentions that the reason Alexander never destroyed the being rebuilt Temple when he conquered Jerusalem was because the priests of the Temple showed Alexander the prophet Daniel’s prophecy about the rise of Alexander and Alexander was so impressed, he ordered the Temple not destroyed.

        Of course, one of Alexander’s Syrian Greek successors Antiochus IV Epiphanes did not hold the same opinion of the Temple and the Hebrew religion.

      • David Redpath said,

        It would be nice to have
        a mermaid on the right
        side of history. A fish tale
        worth the telling!
        Is her reincarnated title to
        be ‘Sister Ophelia’, mounted
        upon an aquatic Brucephalus?
        When in Rome I did what
        the tourists do ( I’m a free
        range anthropologist, not to
        ne mistaken for a tourist)
        and took a look at the.
        Colosseum, and the Arch of
        where the carvings anshow the Jews brought to Rome as slaves in chains, along with the plundered treasures
        of the Temple.Which, ironically,
        is how Titus financed the building
        of the Colosseum, as Titus
        was renowned in the known
        world as a bit of a tight arse.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Thessalonike of Macedonia was the name of the half-sister of Alexander the Great who became a mermaid.

        She murdered one of Dracul Van Helsing’s ancestors Captain Dante Van Helsing for answering a question wrong.

      • David Redpath said,

        Sorry for your loss, Dracul.
        Malicious Mermaids can be
        so cruel. Just have to ask the
        ancient Phoenician mariners.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Very true.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Had Pope Francis’ Jesuit priests been around in Titus’s day, possibly his arse might not have been so tight.

      • David Redpath said,

        Chris, just had a heads up
        from my Vatican mole
        (Benedictine, not Jesuit,
        so he’s my benign informant).
        A warming that everything we
        say is being harvested digitally
        by the ‘Malleus Maleficarum’!
        The Vatican’s heretical
        metadata collection system,
        affectionately referred to
        as the ‘Hammer of Witches’.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I imagine now that the Jesuits have taken over the Malleus Maleficarum, it will become even more ruthless than it was in the days of Heinrich Kramer.

      • David Redpath said,

        With electronic prods,
        and PVC restraints
        (for the staff party only).

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        All done to the tune of The Village People singing In The Navy with a film clip of Freddy Krueger whipping the bare buttocks of a gay high school sports coach with a wet locker room towel (as shown in one of the early 1980s Nightmare On Elm Street movies) playing on a large screen in the background.

      • David Redpath said,

        What goes on in the Vatican
        There will need to be an
        extensive Spanish Inquisition.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I nominate Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz dressed as leather skirted dominatrixes as the new Spanish Inquisition to clean out the Vatican’s Jesuit infested vaults.

        I also volunteer to be the documentary film maker of the Inquisition’s investigations and interrogations along with the ghost of Orson Welles who will no doubt be sporting a spectral hard-on behind the camera 🎥.

      • David Redpath said,

        “Right place, wrong gender”.
        ~ the ghost of Pope Joan

        Chris, I can just see you as
        the Micheal Moore of Mayhem
        and Heresy. Next project,
        ‘Bowling for Celibacy’?

  4. Dracul Van Helsing said,

    The bowling 🎳 tournament to which no bowlers show up.

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