Krampus Takes A Paris Detour On Krampusnacht
It was the night of Krampusnacht
and all through the house
in Austria and Bavaria
and places thereabout
The Austro-Bavarian demon/goat hybrid Krampus roamed
the son of the Norse goddess Hel and Bucca Dhu
Hel who was Loki’s daughter and the goddess ruler
of the Norse underworld in Niflheim
Bucca Dhu who was the Black Goat horned god of the winter months
in Cornish witchcraft
Hel came down from her frostbitten parts north of Thule, Hyperborea and Scandinavia
And Bucca Dhu traveled east from the Cornish coast across the wild Cornish moors and east across England and then across the channel
And northeastwards towards the Alps of Bavaria and Austria
They met
And they spent 40 days and 40 nights making out in various locales
Austria, Bavaria, Croatia, the Czech Republic, Hungary, the South Tyrol region and the province of Trento in northern Italy, Slovakia and Slovenia
The product of their union was Krampus whose name is derived from the German word krampen meaning claw
Krampus is the demonic anti-Santa
The entity who punishes bad children on Krampusnacht (the evening of December 5th) in the regions of Central Europe named above
Just as Saint Nicholas rewards good children on Saint Nicholas’ Night
(December 6th)
Tonight however the cosmic powers that be
Determined that Krampus must take a detour
and drag screaming down to Hell
The cougar chasing, mascara and make-up wearing, metrosexual elitist snob President of France Emmanuel Macron
For the gods and goddesses of all the ancient religions loved Paris
And thanks to Macron’s stupidity, Paris was burning
And so Macron must be punished
And the instrument of punishment: Krampus
So Krampus pushed Macron into his black sack of coal
and took him to Hell
The underworld realm of Hades
Where he was ferried across the River Styx by Charon
And then bitten in the ass by the 3-headed dog Cerberus
Kicked in the balls by Persephone the Queen of the Underworld
And barfed on by Napoleon the 1st Emperor of the French
He was then escorted to Tartarus by Krampus
While there he passed one of the waiting rooms to Tartarus
What looked to be an old schoolroom from the 1920s
Where the immortal dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes
the immortal twin sister of the great detective Sherlock Holmes
had been hired by Hades for a week to give spankings to naughty boys
prior to their entering Tartarus
She had been hired temporarily to replace the 3 Furies (Erinyes)
who had all come down with a bad case of the flu
“Yes, yes!” Cried Macron as his mascara started running
due to the heat of the nearby flames,
“I need to be spanked by Sherrielock!”
Krampus smiled sadistically and replied
in a voice more sinister than that of the Soup Nazi on Seinfeld,
“No Sherrielock for you!”.
-A poem and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
on Krampusnacht
Wednesday December 5th
2018.
The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec hoping to convince Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing to join her in surpassing the Guinness Book of World Records world record for the most consecutive days and nights of continuously making out which is currently held by the Norse goddess Hel and the Cornish Black Goat horned god Bucca Dhu.
Renfield Takes Russian Sailors Hostage In Sea of Azov
British MP Renfield R. Renfield along with the Ukrainian vampiress Inna Huculak and Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing sailed on Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s submarine The Amphitrite II accompanied by a brigade of British Army Gurkha commandos straight through the Strait of Kerch to the Sea of Azov.
They rammed a Russian Navy submarine the Svyatoy Ivan and sank it to the bottom of the sea.
As Renfield sang “Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea, joy to you and me…” on the Amphitrite II waterproof outdoor loudspeaker, the mermaid Miranda raised the sunken Svyatoy Ivan above the waves where the hatch was opened after being fired upon by a miniature Tesla Death Ray carried by Renfield.
A white wolf with blue eyes, a black jaguar with silver eyes and several Gurkhas jumped aboard the vessel.
Through a bullhorn bearing an autographed picture of the Australian Holstein Friesian steer Knickers, Renfield gave the Russian sailors an ultimatum and a choice.
They could either get their testicles cut off by the Gurkhas and their famous daggers or get some of their body parts bitten off by the white wolf with blue eyes or get their body parts scratched and clawed by the black jaguar with silver eyes or they could surrender.
Every single Russian sailor surrendered.
The Union Jack was raised on the flagpole of the Svyatoy Ivan while Inna Huculak played “Rule Britannia, Britannia rules the waves…” on her Ukrainian ukulele.
Renfield R. Renfield pulled his pants down and took a crap on a lifelike effigy of Russian President Vladimir Putin as Inna Huculak sang a song from the musical Oliver “What is the cause of his red shiny nose? Could it be Oom-pah-pah?”… while playing the accordion with her magnificent pair of knockers.
The ghost of Orson Welles filmed everything with his camera and uploaded it to YouTube and Instagram.
The surrender of the Russian sailors and Renfield’s defecating actions were then projected on to a large airport runway in Argentina as Vladimir Putin’s plane landed in Buenos Aires for the G-20 Summit.
Putin suddenly came down with a severe case of heartburn which the airplane doctor attributed to an overindulgence in Ukrainian cabbage rolls on the Russian leader’s part.
As the ghost of Orson Welles and the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill sat on a yacht in the Strait of Kerch and drank wine and brandy respectively, Welles lamented on his marriage to actress Rita Hayworth.
Welles said mournfully that if he had spent a little less time intellectualizing his many ideas and spent more time making out with the lovely Rita Hayworth, his marriage might have been saved.
Meanwhile the lovely Ukrainian vampiress Inna Huculak sat on a pier in a marina in the Strait of Kerch on the Crimea when Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing approached:
Inna Huculak immediately took Dracul Van Helsing over her knee and spanked him for making out with Russian vampiress Svetlana Kireeva a couple of days earlier.
She then made wild passionate love to him herself after spanking him and screamed “Republic of Ukraine forever!” as she orgasmed in a massive outburst of cosmic energy from all that tantric sex forever.
Renfield R. Renfield meanwhile was on his smart phone checking on his order of a Japanese sex robot that he had ordered for himself for Christmas from Amazon.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday November 29th
2018.
Renfield On Kerch, Crimea and The Sea of Azov: Let’s Get This Strait
British MP Renfield R. Renfield was currently consulting with the ghosts of Sir Winston Churchill and Orson Welles and the Ukrainian vampiress Inna Hukulak to lead a commando raid of British Army Gurkhas on the Russian Navy at the Strait of Kerch to rescue two Ukrainian Navy gunboats The Nikopol and The Berdyansk and a Ukrainian Navy tug and 30 Ukrainian sailors who were seized by the Russian Navy yesterday,
In Kiev, Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko declared martial law in Ukraine for 30 days in order to put the country on a full war footing.
Donald Trump as usual was busy dithering and tweeting about “immigrants on the U.S-Mexico border” in the midst of yet another major international crisis.
He was also trying to make up in his own mind who was the nicer guy- Russian President Vladimir Putin or Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman.
On November 25th, Russian Spetznatz commandos of the Russian Navy seized the Ukrainian gunboats and the tug wounding half a dozen Ukrainian Navy sailors in the process.
Russia had used a Russian ship under the recently completed Kerch Bridge to illegally block passage to Ukrainian ships seeking to enter the Strait to access the Sea of Azov.
The Ukrainian Navy vessels had gone to ask the ship to stop blocking the entrance when they were fired upon by Russian Navy ships and then deliberately rammed.
Renfield and the Gurkas would be sailing on the Dr. Cadbury Rocher designed submarine The Amphitrite II to the Kerch Strait to rescue the Ukrainian Navy ships and sailors.
The Amphitrite II was invisible to both radar and sonar.
Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s original submarine of this design The Amphitrite I and its crew disappeared on its maiden test.
Although a computer at the CERN Large Hadron Collidor had picked up the fact that The Amphitrite I had wound up at the U.S. Navy shipyard in Philadelphia on October 28th 1943 where it slammed into the U.S. Navy destroyer escort The USS Eldridge.
The meeting between the four in Renfield’s office came to an end when the ghost of Orson Welles received an emergency Hermes transmitted telegram from the ghost of Nikola Tesla in the underworld realm of Hades.
Meanwhile outside the Westminster Houses of Parliament, the Russian vampiress Svetlana Kireeva of the Russian FSB was waiting to assassinate Renfield.
It was while she waited for Renfield on the park bench that Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing spotted her.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday November 26th
2018.
Renfield: Taking Care of Business In Every Way
British MP Renfield R. Renfield had received a phone call from Dr. Cadbury Rocher at Set Enterprises.
Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had picked up a TV news broadcast from the future on his lobster antennae and Michelangelo had typed with his lobster claws on the keyboard of his waterproof laptop that the vision was meant for Renfield’s eyes only.
So Renfield caught a trolley bus that drove quite close to the Set Enterprises laboratory and rug emporium (The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set had recently gone into business with the Persian goddess Anahita and sold Persian rugs together- putting Set on Donald Trump’s business black list).
The trolley bus headed down a single lane one way street that was meant for trolley buses only.
There was a vehicle trap at the front of the street that trapped any vehicle other than trolley buses from going down that street.
However there were plenty of flashing red lights and traffic signs that warned other vehicles of the vehicle trap ahead.
However there was always the occasional idiot who totally ignored all the flashing lights and traffic signs and wound up with their vehicle caught in the trap preventing the bus from getting through.
This was one of those days.
“I can’t believe that bitch did that!” The bus driver shouted.
Other people on the bus now complained about being late for important appointments thanks to the inherent stupidity of the said bitch.
Renfield seethed as he got off the bus.
There was only one thing to do about such stupid people.
And that was to eliminate them from the face of the earth.
The airheaded bitch was on her mobile calling for a tow truck to pull her vehicle out of the trap.
It was rather unfortunate for the said airhead that she wasn’t very good looking.
Otherwise Renfield might have shown some pity.
As it was, Renfield reached into his raincoat pocket, pulled out his gun and fired 7 bullets point blank at her.
The woman immediately fell to the ground quite dead as the operator on the other end of the line asked her for her Auto Club Membership #.
But the woman had expired before her membership did.
Renfield being a member of MI-5, MI-6, British Home Office and Her Majesty’s Secret Service had a licence to kill like James Bond 007 (in fact his secret agent code number was 0069).
Renfield received a standing ovation and thunderous applause from the other passengers on the bus for his actions.
Renfield looked at his watch and decided he’d better walk from here to Set Enterprises.
As Renfield walked down the street, he sang his own paraphrased version of an early 1980s Air Supply Song,
There’s one less stupid person in the world
And it’s gonna be fine
Out of all the stupid people in the world
You’re now dead and gone
In my life where everything was wrong
Something finally went right
Now there’s one less stupid person in the world tonight…
“It’s too bad Donald Trump hadn’t been the one to have driven that vehicle into the trap,” the trolley bus driver remarked.
“Too bad indeed,” British Prime Minister Theresa May agreed.
Mrs. May vowed never to take public transit again.
She was now going to be at least half an hour late for an important meeting to save her Brexit deal.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday November 23rd
2018.
Russia’s GRU Chief Dead- Who Is Responsible?
Donald Trump was being briefed by the CIA while sitting in his briefs (and looking at photos of Shakira for nobody had bothered telling the Twitterer-In-Chief that she was in fact Colombian) on the death of Russia’s GRU (Military Intelligence Directorate) head Colonel General Igor Korobov.
“So he died from a long illness?” Trump asked.
“Well so the Russian media would have us believe,” said CIA agent and cyborg operative George Akirason as he cleared his throat of both phlegm and nanites, “but in fact Korobov only started feeling unwell back in mid-September after having received a severe reprimand from President Vladimir Putin.”
“And what brought about this reprimand?” Trump asked as he combed both seaweed and Black Sea caviar out of his toupee.
“Because Putin got what he thought was a welcome (but she turned out to be unwelcome) visitor in his bedroom one night,” George Akirason coughed a mixture of both phlegm and nanites into his Stormy Daniels photo emblazoned handkerchief, “a sensuous and lovely Kazakh Dragon Sister but she had a poison ivy laced dildo with her which she proceeded to shove up the Russian leader’s anus. She then stapled a note to Putin’s phallus which had on it a message that said, “You’ll never guess what’s going to happen next.” And the message was signed “R.R.R.” The GRU then conducted raids on the Kazakh Dragon Sister’s Moscow apartment but she had fled back to unknown locales in Kazakhstan. Howver the apartment contained several autographed posters of British MP Renfield R. Renfield.”
“Renfield R. Renfield?” The hair in Trump’s toupee stood on end 😨, “That man gives me nightmares for some reason.”
. . .
German Chancellor Angela Merkel was receiving a briefing from a leather skirted female dominatrix Malaysian agent for the German Federal Intelligence Service.
Chancellor Merkel was astounded by how much the woman looked like world famous London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes.
The woman whose secret agent code name was Magic Mushrooms and Killer Tomatoes spoke, “Contrary to what the media is saying, Colonel General Igor Korobov did not die from his illness. He was found face down in his bathroom with both his pants and Rasputin photo emblazoned boxer shorts pulled down and a 20 pound giant banana (with the words THE MAPLE LEAF AND CANNABIS PLANT FOREVER written on it) shoved up his behind. The trauma of the impact was what killed him. A well known Kazakh Dragon Sister assassin was seen leaving his place.”
. . .
British MP Renfield R. Renfield was sitting in his parliamentary office drinking brandy and smoking cigars with the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill.
“Well,” Renfield raised his glass in a toast, “another successful operation planned by the once and future Prime Ministers of Great Britain. And executed by our beloved Kazakh Dragon Sister secret operative.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday November 22nd
2018.
A Kazakh Dragon Sister with a love for all things British.
