Perverted Roman Emperor Elagabalus Bangs Village Person Dutch PM Mark Rutte In The Rear At Amsterdam YMCA
Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was having a vision of the dream that the Netherlands’ “Lot’s wife pillar of salt challenged” Prime Minister Mark Rutte was currently having.
Mr. Rutte who couldn’t decide on being a cowboy, an Indian chief, a policeman, a construction worker, a disco dancer or a BDSM leather boy poster child when he grew up settled for becoming Prime Minister of the Netherlands instead.
Mr. Rutte was currently having a dream where he was in the sauna room of the local YMCA in Amsterdam.
He was being sodomized in the rear end by the ghost of the perverted Roman Emperor Elagabalus (circa 204-March 11th 222 AD, reigned as perverted Roman Emperor from 218 to 222 AD).
Elagabalus was singing,
“In the Navy, you can sail the Seven Seas in the Navy,
you can bend over if you please in the Navy…”
With that the cross-dressing Emperor Elagabalus bent Mr. Rutte over and let him have it full throttle where the sun don’t shine.
Elagabalus shouted for joy as did Dutch Prime Minister Mark Rutte.
With the coming together in unity-in-diversity of perverted ancient Roman Emperor Elagabalus and perverted modern Dutch leader Mark Ratte, Ratte shouted, “Hungary objects to such activities. Therefore we must kick Hungary out of the European Union.”
All in all, Michelangelo reflected, it would probably be best for Hungary if it did leave the European Union.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday June 27th
2021.
Hera At Versailles
The Greek goddess Hera at the Palace of Versailles during the reign of the Sun King
“So,” Set Enterprises’ eccentric scientist Dr. Marmalade Montague asked Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing, “I hear you’re able to travel back in time using the Pantages-Houdini-Tesla-Welles-Lamarr Magic Lantern?”.
“I can neither confirm nor deny that,” Van Helsing answered.
In his aquarium in the background, Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster held up a sign that read CONFIRMED.
“So,” Marmalade read the sign, “When I fell into a time warp when I was Chief Scientist and Head Alchemist To The Court of Louis Quatorze and wound up here in the decade of the 2020s, I left an important alchemical formula on my desk in my laboratory at the Palace of Versailles. I was wondering if you could go back in time and get it for me?”.
“Why can’t you go back in time and get it yourself?” Van Helsing inquired.
“Because the Hindu god Shiva informed me while I was standing in line once at an Indian buffet restaurant in London last year that if I ever engaged in time travel again, I’d disintegrate into a pod of peas hanging from a lotus flower,” Dr. Marmalade Montague replied.
“One wouldn’t want that unless one were a vegan vegetarian Transhumanist,” Van Helsing agreed.
“I don’t know if it was because I helped myself to the last 2 dozen pieces of butter chicken from a buffet tray before the chef brought some more as I was standing in line in front of Shiva or if Shiva really meant it,” Marmalade reflected.
“Well, as J. Robert Oppenheimer might say while putting on a trojan, it’s best to be on the safe side,” Van Helsing acknowledged.
And so Van Helsing went back in time to the Palace of Versailles during the reign of Louis XIV the Sun King.
He found the laboratory but as he entered the room a cat had knocked a piece of paper off the table which seemed to have elaborate drawings and formulae on it.
The paper was then eaten by a poodle.
“I hope that wasn’t the formula for turning lead into gold,” Van Helsing mused aloud.
He then found his way to the main dining room of Versailles where he encountered the Greek goddess Hera.
The Greek goddess Hera and Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing had made out on a couple of occasions.
Unbeknownst to the Greek god Zeus of course.
Otherwise Van Helsing might have disintegrated into ash as a result of having an Olympian thunder bolt thrown at him.
“Dracul,” Hera smiled at him.
“You must have time traveled from the 21st Century as well,” Van Helsing made a Holmes Sherlockian deduction, “because I never knew you during the Reign of the Sun King Louis Quatorze.”
“I did,” Hera nodded, “I time traveled from January 2021.”
“Same here,” Van Helsing stated.
“Did you know that a year ago Zeus asked Hades to release the spirit of Alexander the Great from the Underworld?” Hera inquired.
“It seems to me I heard something to that effect from the ghost of Orson Welles,” Van Helsing reflected.
“And now this January he’s asked Hades to release the spirit of the Syrian Greek King Antiochus Epiphanes (whose official title was King Antiochus IV ) from the Underworld,” Hera noted.
“Maybe Zeus is planning a major Abomination of Desolation with Pope Francis and they want Antiochus Epiphanes’ input into the matter,” Van Helsing said as a group of waiters walked by carrying trays loaded with roast pork.
“I’m so horny and frustrated by Zeus constantly ignoring me,” Hera sighed.
“Maybe I could help you with that,” Van Helsing took off his formal dinner jacket.
Soon Hera and Van Helsing were making out on top of the Royal Banquet table.
“Ah, I see they’re still setting up in here,” Louis XIV remarked to one of his mistresses as he poked his head in through the dining hall door, “Perhaps you’d like to come to my bedroom and I’ll show you my ceiling etchings of Zeus and Leto.”
At that moment the ghost of Orson Welles was bicyling backwards through time in the CERN Large Hadron Collidor Time Tunnel.
As he bicycled backwards in time through the time tunnel, the voice of Engelbert Humperdinck could be heard singing Les Bicyclettes de Belsize.
Welles’ ghost was eating a large spectral bagel as he cycled backwards through time.
Welles hoped that no one would mistake him for Hunter Biden son of Joe Biden as he was returning from Mass in the Presidential motorcade when he ordered the motorcade stopped so he could buy a bagel as he had come down with the munchies after having smoked a pipe of crack cocaine in the confessional booth.
Welles’ ghost arrived just in time to see Dracul and Hera making out on the Royal Banquet table.
“Woe is me,” Welles remarked as he drove his bicyle through the dining room window and on to the Versailles palace grounds.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday January 26th
2021.
Stars and Stripes Lowered On The Potomac and The Flying Dutchman Views The Twilight’s Last Gleaming
The ghost of Abraham Lincoln stood solemn and silent beneath the Lincoln Memorial.
25,000 armed troops paraded up and down the streets of Washington DC.
Armed fences and barbed wire and barricades and guard dogs and great seachlights.
Red zones and green zones.
The scene more reminiscent of the capital of a Third World totalitarian dictatorship than the bastion of democracy.
Lincoln watched sadly as the ghost of Ulysses S. Grant commander of the Union Army lowered a Supernatural (invisible to the mortal human eye) Stars and Stripes flag down a mast.
The flag stopped and flew at half mask down a pole.
The ghosts of Josef Stalin and Mao Tse-tung then raised a Supernatural Hammer and Sickle flag (invisible to the mortal human eye) half-way up the mast on another flag pole along the Potomac.
Tomorrow at 12 noon, the handover would be complete.
The Supernatural Stars and Stripes flag would then be lowered to the ground.
And the Supernatural Hammer and Sickle flag would be raised to the top of its flag pole.
. . .
Off the East Coast of the United States of America, the ship known to history and to folklore as the Flying Dutchman sailed into the cove of a small fishing village on the American Atlantic shoreline.
Captain Hendrick Van der Decken stood on deck and watched as the Stars and Stripes flag was lowered on the village flag pole.
This happened at the twilight’s last gleaming.
But there was no rocket’s red glare.
Only the sound of mermaids splashing as they swam away from a land they no longer seemed to recognize.
And a powerful and dense mist descended upon the entire village and its flagpole.
Almost as if indicating in some strange mysterious mystical fashion…
… the flag was not still there.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday January 19h
2020.
Pandora and The Cobblerish Coblynau
Pandora was an actress
An immortal Greek actress
Once pursued by Zeus
She pretended to be impressed by Zeus’ charms
In order that she could steal some ambrosia
And make herself immortal in the process.
But she never gave herself to Zeus
In the way Zeus would have wanted
Being the horny old philandering Olympian
That he was.
The result?
Zeus besmirched her good name
Telling the Greek poet Hesiod (750 to 650 BC)
That Pandora by opening a jar
Had loosed all manners of evil
Upon the world
Pandora’s jar would later become Pandora’s box
In the western collective unconsciousness
After the Renaissance writer Erasmus
In a night of overindulgence in fine Italian wine
Had mistranslated jar as box
In his setting forth down of the tale
The next morning
When the sun rose
And the cock outside his window
Decided to sing all the Baroque musical hit songs
of Christendom all in one setting
Fortunately Erasmus never lived to see
The writing of Eleanor Rigby
Otherwise we might all think
That Eleanor Rigby
Kept her face
In a box
By the door
Pandora had heard that Charles Laughton and Vincent Price
Were making a movie down in Mexica
So she had gone there
In the Year of Our Lord 1949
And on this night
She stood alongside a piano
In an elegant Mexican cantina
Behind her was a statue of the Greek god Dionysus
Carrying some exotic fruits on his head
(Fruits that would later corrupt a promising young writer
Truman Capote)
The statue was in fact the real Greek god Dionysus
Who had been turned to stone by a very realistic portrait
painted of Medusa the Gorgon
By the usually abstract surrealist painter Pablo Picasso
On the other side of the piano
Was a violinist who played the violin
And dreamed of being Don Quixote
Next to him was a bass player
Who played the bass
And dreamed of being an ice fisherman
Playing the piano was a Charles Laughton lookalike
Who played the piano
And sang of how his wife had run off with his donkey
Leaving him and the windmill to grind all that wheat
By themselves
Below Pandora on the steps where she stood
Was a guitar player
Who didn’t really play the guitar
But only used the guitar
To cover his erection
Which he got
By looking at Pandora
All the while mumbling,
“Oh my God! Oh my God!”.
On a stool by himself
Where a stool pigeon
Had left his calling card
And playing the flute
Sat a Welsh Coblynau
A gnome native to Wales
His name was Egregious Engelbert
Normally Coblynau hung out in Welsh coal mines
But Engy (which was his nickname)
Had developed an allergy to coal dust
And so became a cobbler
Making fine leather shoes
The Cobblerish Coblynau they called him
Making shoes by night
And shoes by day
Even giving shoes to those
Who couldn’t afford to pay
And so they were here
This eclectic crowd
When a man walked in
A man named Rigby
A man who had once gone up 39 Steps
A man who had once stood on Waterloo Bridge
A man of whom
Could he be bribed?
Could he bought?
Was $10,000
Worth 30 pieces of silver?
Rigby
No relation to Eleanor
Nor had he ever visited Acquitaine
Was now here in the room
Waiting for the evening to begin
And the fireworks to start
Would the Price be right
And just how prickly
Was Carlotta’s Cactus Throne?
-A poem and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday January 18th
2021.
Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI To Receive Forced Vaccination
“The best argument against taking the vaccine is the fact that the Communist “Pope” Francis says everyone should take it.”
-Renfield R. Renfield British MP
As another part of the ongoing tyranny descending upon the world in the form of a dark lifeless mist ever since the spiritual/political virus known as Covid Communism descended upon the world in the wake of Xi Jinping’s Chinese Communist Party releasing a bioengineered weapon from the Wuhan Institute of Virology (whether intentional or accidental), the tyranny now extended to Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI who did not wish to receive the vaccine but the Vatican decided he’d be given a mandatory vaccine against his will.
The news reached the attention of British MP Renfield R. Renfield.
He discussed it with Athelstan the personal butler and valet to the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.
“I’m now formulating a plan with my field operatives in my personal British Army brigade of gurkhas to break into the Vatican and rescue Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI before he’s given the DeathVaxx as Set Enterprises’ chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher calls it,” Renfield explained.
“Break into the Vatican?” Athelstan raised an eyebrow, “But isn’t that place well guarded?”.
“It is,” Renfield nodded, “But you must remember that this will be a whole brigade of gurkhas attacking them. There aren’t too many guards on Earth who can hold out against an entire brigade of gurkhas. The only thing is that there may be demons guarding the Vatican according to the latest Set Enterprises Intelligence report. Still if there is any mortal warrior on Earth capable of kicking a demon’s ass, it would be a gurkha.”
“Good luck with that, sir,” Athelstan remarked as he went off to prepare a tray of tea and crumpets for Set.
Meanwhile in the woods outside the vampiress Lilith’s palatial estate near Astana, Kazakhstan:
Golgotha daughter of the vampiress Lilith with her pet raven Ancient Mariner’s Albatross on her shoulder
“Listen, Alby,” she called him by her pet name for him, “Listen to the silence but soon the world will be crawling with zombie nosferatu.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday January 12th
2020.
The Night One Eagle Split Into Two
The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith with an eagle on her shoulder
The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith stood not far from the Lincoln Memorial in Washington DC.
Elon Musk’s artificial moon was shining down on top of her.
It was supposed to be shining down on top of Edgar Allan Poe’s grave in Baltimore Maryland but the GPS computer network guiding Musk’s artificial moon had been hacked by a hermit gnome (frozen lawn ornament) living in Nome, Alaska.
As such the Muskian artificial moon was now hovering over the Lincoln Memorial in Washington DC.
On a car radio, a very old song was being played,
“We’re the John Birch Society, we’re out to save our country from the Communistic threat.
And if your mommy (pronounced mom-mee) is a Commie,
Well you’ve got to turn her in…”
A group of lawn ornament garden gnomes in Washington DC eyed with suspicion a mask wearing Nancy Pelosi as she walked by.
In the moonlight of Elon Musk’s artificial moon, with a tattoo of an eagle on her left shoulder and a living eagle perched atop her right shoulder, Lilith’s hair along with her headband, beads and headdress (that had once belonged to Chief Sitting Bull) glistened silvery in the moonlight.
Sitting Bull’s revenge on the U.S. government for the massacre of his people that had occurred at the Pine Ridge Reservation in South Dakota in December 1890 was about to unfold.
Down in Tartarus in the Underworld, one General George Armstrong Custer had just escaped from his rotating barbeque spit over an open fire in the place and was hoping to pass Cerberus and his watchful eye (one on each of the three heads) and swim across the River Styx and back to the land of the living.
But at that moment, Custer received a ghostly arrow through his ghostly knee.
Custer now had a wounded knee.
“Fly,” Lilith spoke to the eagle.
The eagle flew off her shoulder and over the Lincoln Memorial.
The eagle was suddenly set upon by a flying red dragon, a flying bear, a flying lion, a flying cat and a winged horse named Chollima.
The eagle was ripped in two.
Facing one another across the Potomac River were two opposing supernatural forces.
On one side of the Potomac River were the ghosts of Abraham Lincoln, General Ulysses S. Grant and General Robert E. Lee (now all allies).
On the other side of the Potomac River were the ghosts of Vladimir Lenin, Josef Stalin, Mao Tse-tung and the vampire Lev Tomi (who in his mortal life had been Leon Trotsky). They too were now all allies.
Walking on the water of the Potomac River was the Greek god Zeus who cried in a loud voice, “Release the Kraken!”.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday January 5th
2020.
Exposed: Krampus’ Christmas Eve 2020 Kidnapping of Santa
As everyone knows Santa Claus lives at the North Pole.
Of course Santa Claus isn’t his original name.
The original name of the extremely tall and very fat elf was Caerthalian.
However Caerthalian was so impressed with the saintly bishop Saint Nicholas of Myra (March 15th 270 AD to December 6th 343 AD) and his beautiful habit of giving gifts at Christmas, that, after the good Saint died, Caerthalian and some of his smaller and shorter elf acquaintances moved up to the North Pole and built a small toy workshop where they made gifts for good little girls and boys that they then delivered around the world by Christmas morn.
As the Middle Ages started to drift into the era of the Renaissance, three little boys Martin Luther, John Calvin and Ulrich Zwingli never received any gifts at Christmas from Caerthalian (who had since changed his name to Santa Claus a variant of the Dutch Sinter Klaas which was the Dutch nickname for Saint Nicholas) because they were consistently naughty throughout the year.
As such when grown men, all 3 consistently argued for justification by faith.
Thus from Caerthalian’s/Santa Claus’ penchant for only giving gifts to good little girls and boys, the seeds of the Protestant Reformation were born.
Caerthalian’s/Santa Claus’ discriminatory policy of not giving gifts to the ethically challenged would be thoroughly repudiated by Jorge Mario Bergoglio in the 2nd decade of the 21st Century.
Turning to the point where the second and third decades of the 21st Century would merge- Christmas Eve 2020- after a meeting of demons and fallen angels in the newly formed Council For Inclusive Debauchery, it was agreed that the half-demon half-goat Krampus (who was the most unholy creature at December in the territory of the old Holy Roman Empire) should kidnap Santa Claus on the night of December 24th and commandeer his gift laden one horse open sleigh that was driven by eight reindeer (Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen) plus Rudolph (who had been putting in a special cameo appearance every Christmas Eve since 1939).
Olive the other reindeer would stay home and get plastered drinking Mrs. Claus’ rum laced eggnog.
This year Krampus would be carrying a special gift that was made by the Wuhan Institute of Virology.
Bill Gates was already rubbing his hands with glee as visions of the next vaccine danced in his head.
Dr. Anthony Fauci and the Xi Jinping Commie loving idiots at WHO had already told the children of the world that Santa was immune from Covid and they should not be afraid to hug the jolly old elf if they see him.
Any change in Santa’s appearance from previous Christmasses (i.e. looking like Krampus) could be explained by an allergic skin reaction to a teen elf acne medication he was taking.
With the blessings of Dr. Anthony Fauci and the WHO, Krampus as the Santa imposter set out on his Christmas Eve mission.
It was agreed by all involved with the Council For Inclusive Debauchery that Rudolph plus the original 8 reindeer plus Olive the other reindeer should be held under quarantine so that reports of the Krampus posing as Santa story would not get out to the world and give the mainstream Marxist media in the West a chance to think up a cockinbull story knocking any honest reports of the incident.
Rudolph however managed to escape and got to the Set Estate in London where he told British MP Renfield R. Renfield the story.
Renfield went in and informed his former employer the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set of what had happened.
“What reindeer relayed this info?” Set asked.
“Rudolph,” Renfield replied.
“How do you know it was Rudolph?” Set inquired.
“Because of his red shiny nose,” Renfield answered.
Set lit himself a cigar and asked, “What is the cause of his red shiny nose?”.
“Could it be Oom-Pah-Pah?” The woman playing the female character of Nancy sang on the old LP record belonging to Set which contained songs from the 1960 musical Oliver! a musical adaptation of Charles Dickens’ classic 1838 novel Oliver Twist.
Renfield, looking back into the living room where he noticed Rudolph hitting the bottles of gin, remarked, “The lady on the record says it all.”
-A Christmas children’s story
for adults
and
vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday December 26th
2020.
Princess Ayesha and The Battle In The Skies
The Ethiopian Princess Ayesha with her flying spear Asimati T’ori and her snowy owl Tammuz in a battle in the clouds surrounded by holographic constellations
The Ethiopian princess Ayesha was a direct descendant of King Solomon and the Queen of Sheba.
She was in possession of her ancestor’s shield The Golden Shield of The Double Headed Phoenix.
Solomon had once encountered a double headed Phoenix and was so impressed, he had a shield (made of gold) bearing this image.
The shield had been made by Hephaestus the Greek god of fire and forge.
Solomon’s ring which allowed him to control demons also allowed him to control the gods and goddesses of the world’s various religions.
So he forced Hephaestus to make him a shield of gold bearing the image of the double headed phoenix.
And the shield was now in the possession of his descendant Princess Ayesha of Ethiopia.
Ayesha also had a spear Asimati T’ori that allowed her to fly above the clouds.
In these flights, Ayesha was accompanied by her personal snowy owl named Tammuz who had the ability to fly higher than an eagle.
She had heard that an alien ET saviour (expected by a few Jesuit astronomers and Vatican Cardinals and some said by the Communist Pope Francis himself) would soon be arriving on Earth.
This alien ET saviour was said to be in alliance with Apophis the Egyptian serpent god of chaos.
Holographic images of the constellations were being projected down on to the clouds lighting the way to the alien ET saviour’s arrival.
And as such Ayesha was in the clouds with her shield the Solomonic Gold Shield of the Double Headed Phoenix, her spear Asimati T’ori and her snowy owl Tammuz to do battle with the alien ET saviour when he arrives.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday December 22nd
2020.
Xi Jinping Plans To Bang Italian Harlot In Shanghai While Continuing With His World Domination Plans
Communist China’s paramount leader the evil megalomaniac Xi Jinping was talking to his Supernaturnal entity advisor the Black Dragon who had emerged from a black hole in the Andromeda Galaxy eons ago.
“Heilong,” Xi asked the Black Dragon, “What’s the name of that airheaded Italian harlot I always bang whenever I visit Shanghai?”.
“That would be Ambra Schilliro the Italian Commie journalist and Babylonianish harlot social butterfly who flutters around on her Social Cloud spreading Chinese Communist Party Public Relations (what British MP Renfield R. Renfield refers to as Neo-Maoist propaganda and bullshit) in the countries of China, Italy, the U.S. and Korea.”
Xi putting on a fertilizer cologne, “Yes, that’s the one. Book me an appointment with her for tonight.”
“But I understand 666 members of the Shanghai branch of the CCP had booked to bang her in one massive gang bang tonight,” Heilong pointed out.
“Well, put them on hold,” Xi foamed, “As always happens to me when I use my Huawei phone these days. I had to break down and start using Samsung.”
A PLA soldier approaches Xi, “Your Almightiness, we regret to report that our People’s Red Army just got our asses kicked by India’s Army on the India-China border again.”
“Well cover it up like we did before,” Xi barked.
Later in Shanghai, Xi paid a visit to the Italian harlot Ambra Schilliro.
He inserted his organ into Ambra’s mouth.
“Think of it as sucking on an egg roll,” Xi said neglecting to mention that egg rolls were a lot larger.
He then inserted it into the orifice between her front legs.
And then inserted it into the orifice between her back legs.
And then inserted it into her left nostril.
“Think of it as a Covid-19 test,” Xi had said.
He then inserted it into her right nostril.
“Think of it as a Covid-19 re-test,” Xi pontificated.
He then inserted it into her right ear.
“Think of it as a wax cleaning,” Xi smiled.
He then inserted it into her left ear as he remarked, “More wax cleaning.”
Heilong had put on dark sunglasses as he watched the spectacle.
“That Italian harlot,” Heilong noted, “seems to be getting as many orifices penetrated as Procopius the Byzantine historian (and secretary to the Byzantine general Belisarius) noted happened to Justinian’s wife the Empress Theodora in Procopius’ Secret History.”
The Byzantine vampiress Theodora (who had dropped into Shanghai to pick up an order of Shanghai Fried Rice) overheard Heilong’s remarks and said, “Everything Procopius wrote about me is a lie.”
Theodora: Everything Procopius wrote about her is a lie
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday December 19th
2020.
Kraken’s Croissant Cravings
“French President Emmanuel Macron has tested positive for Covid-19.
Coincidentally enough a number of cougars at the Paris Zoo have also tested positive for Covid-19.”
-British MP Renfield R. Renfield reading a news story on radio.
As the Fascist Freemasonic French President Emmanuel Macron was busy self-isolating along with quite a number of cougars who were also self-isolating, French Aquarian Age Bonapartist leader The Kraken Napololeon VI was walking the streets of Paris along with his wife Medusa the ex-Gorgon.
The Kraken, who was sipping 8 cups of cognac-laced coffee at the same time, asked his wife, “Where is everybody?”.
“Under lockdown,” Medusa answered as she curled her hair with her wireless electric blow dryer and hair curler.
“Bummer,” the Kraken walked past a couple of gay Jesuit priests who suddenly found themselves frozen to a park bench captured in the activity they were engaging in, “I wonder if there’s any place that’s open. I’ve got a craving for hot buttered croissants.”
As the Kraken craved croissants, Macron missed his cougars in the French Presidential Palace.
And in a Paris hotel room, the Norse valkyrie Kara awaited the arrival of vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday December 18th
2020.
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