Killer Rabbit As Melbourne’s Decapitating Robin Hood
The Nagorno-Karabakh War between Armenia and Azerbaijan was continuing to go on despite a Russian negotiated ceasefire this past weekend.
Civilian areas in cities continued to be hit on both sides.
Last week the historic Holy Saviour Cathedral in the Nagorno-Karabakh Armenian city of Shusha (also called Shushi) suffered terrible destruction when it was targeted by Azeri shelling.
British MP Renfield R. Renfield said that Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan was probably disappointed by the cathedral’s wreckage because now the would-be Ottoman Sultan wouldn’t be able to turn it into an Islamic mosque.
Also on the Erdogan front the Turkish leader was once again sending a research ship into Greek territorial waters in the East Mediterranean to conduct seismic studies in search of natural gas reserves.
Back in the summer, Turkey had conducted similar intrusions in search of exploiting natural gas reserves.
That escalated tensions with Greece and caused a joint military exercise amongst Greece, France, Italy and Cyprus in the East Mediterranean in a show of strength against Turkey.
The name of the exercise was Eunomia (named after a minor Greek goddess of law and good order).
With Erdogan stretching his hands out all over the place, Set Enterprises’ Dr. Cadbury Rocher had finally put the brains of 12th Century Scottish Crusader Leonard MacDavid into the taxidermically stuffed body of the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog (who had made a memorable cameo appearance in the 1975 film Monty Python and The Holy Grail).
Using electricity, the best of Transhumanist science and a resurrection spell from the ancient Egyptian Book of The Dead, Dr. Rocher brought the unusual hybrid creature to life.
And Leonard Constantinople the Belligerent Crusader Rabbit was born (the Crusader Rabbit who would liberate Constantinople from Erdogan).
But where would the rabbit cut his baby teeth before moving against Erdogan?
Renfield suggested Melbourne, Australia where the Melbourne Police Force were acting like a group of stormtrooping thugs in enforcing Victoria state dictator Daniel Andrews’ totalitarian lockdown rules (the most draconian on the planet).
Melbourne police had arrested a pregnant woman in her Melbourne home because she dared to mention an anti-lockdown protest on her Facebook page.
They had arrested a mother on the beach and handcuffed her in front of her crying children with 5 or 6 brutish officers landing on top of her because they felt she wasn’t practicing social distancing.
They had arrested a homeless man for sleeping in his car (because he didn’t have a home or any belongings except his car) and gave him a fine of $30,000 thus drastically setting back his chances of ever getting back on his feet
They arrested a mother and father in their car for going grocery shopping because they accidentally crossed an imaginary line drawn on a map by one of Daniel Andrews’ Gestapo bureaucrats for venturing outside their designated geographical prison zone.
They were fined $5000 each.
Meanwhile the Chief of Melbourne Police was continuing to consult with the ghosts of Nazi SS head Heinrich Himmler and Soviet Stalinist era NKVD head Lavrentiy Beria on how to conduct the draconian lockdown.
The ghosts of Himmler and Beria gave daily workshops to members of the SSVD (which stood for Sexually Sterile and Venereal Disease carrying) Melbourne Police Force.
Leonard Constantinople was flown to Melbourne in the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s eco-friendly environmentally friendly cannabis powered dirigible airship.
Inside an apartment a pregnant woman was being arrested for having posted an unflattering tweet about Victoria state dictator Daniel Andrews.
Soon the arresting officers found their heads being bitten off by Leonard Constantinople the Belligerent Crusader Rabbit (the bunny formerly known as the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog).
5 or 6 officers of the Melbourne SSVD dragged a screaming woman to the ground along a beach in front of her children for not practicing social distancing.
The 5 or 6 Melbourne SSVD officers were set upon by a bunny rabbit who promptly bit off all their heads.
When they attempted to arrest another homeless man for sleeping in his car, the arresting Melbourne SSVD officers likewise had their heads bitten off by a bunny rabbit.
Parents being stopped in their car for daring to shop for groceries soon found themselves being arrested by officers of the Melbourne SSVD Police Force.
The arresting Melbourne SSVD Police Force officers soon found themselves getting their heads bitten off by a bunny rabbit.
News of a killer bunny rabbit targeting the heads of police officers soon caused much consternation (in addition to much penicillin flowing) among members of the Melbourne SSVD Police Force.
The Chief of the Melbourne SSVD Police Force consulted with the ghosts of Himmler and Beria on the issue.
Both Himmler and Beria replied they never dealt with the likes of a killer rabbit in either the Third Reich or the USSR.
Victoria state dictator Daniel Andrews was pulling his hair out over news of his stormtrooping police officers meeting their deaths at the teeth of a killer rabbit.
Andrews felt in his gut (in addition to his heartburn caused by eating too much caviar) that Renfield of Great Britain was responsible for the whole mess.
“Who will rid me of this troublesome British MP?” Andrews spoke to his stuffed koala bear rug.
He had posed a question asked by so many before- Vladimir Putin, Pope Francis, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, Xi Jinping and Justin Trudeau among them.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday October 12th
2020.
Pachamama, Sultan Erdogan and The Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog
The Inca earth mother goddess Pachamama walked through the Vatican Gardens accompanied by the flaming disembodied head of the French Jesuit priest Pierre Teilhard de Chardin.
It was a year ago today that Pope Francis had wooden statues of Pachamama brought into the Vatican Gardens and a whole bunch of people had bowed down to them.
Teilhard’s flaming head set fire to some of the plants and trees in the garden and Swiss Guards had to bring forth buckets of water to put it out.
A Vatican spokesman later blamed the Vatican Gardens fire on Climate Change.
. . .
In the Armenia-Azerbaijan War over Nagorno-Karabakh, things were taking a definite change for the worst.
British MP Renfield R. Renfield was warning people that the conflict had the potential to erupt into World War III but New Age prophetess Oprah Winfrey and demonically possessed self-help guru Anthony Robbins (a Calgary based geopolitical analyst once had the misfortune to quite literally run into the self-help guru as he was rushing down the stairwell of Edmonton’s Westin Hotel where the self-help guru was putting on a seminar and judging from Robbins’ vitriolic reaction that’s how he came to know the self-help guru was demonically possessed) said that Renfield should not be giving out such negative vibes.
A genetically created talking ostrich (genetically created by Set Enterprises’ Dr. Cadbury Rocher) who had his head buried in the sand agreed with Oprah’s and Robbins’ assessment of the situation.
The Greek god of war Ares (anxious for a major war) had directed Azeri forces to launch a missile attack on the Armenian Nagorno-Karabakh regional capital of Stepanakert.
In response Armenian Nagorno-Karabakh military forces aided and abetted by Thor the Norse god of thunder (who was also anxious for a major war) proceeded to shell the city of Ganja which was Azerbaijan’s second largest city.
Large numbers of civilians were killed on both sides.
Meanwhile in Turkey, Morrigan the Irish Celtic goddess of war (who was the third member of the trio of ancient pagan deities trying to start a Third World War the past couple of years) was busy encouraging Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan to finish off the Armenian Genocide that the Ottoman Empire neglected to finish off 100 years ago.
It didn’t take much to persuade Erdogan who already had that in mind.
. . .
Meanwhile in the small Suffolk coastal village of Dunwich England, Sherrielock Holmes and Set Enterprises Intelligence Unit Secret Agent Miranda Singh managed to locate the taxidermically stuffed body of the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog whose less than 15 minutes of fame occurred when he appeared in the 1975 fantasy/comedy film Monty Python and The Holy Grail.
The stuffed rabbit’s body was found next to an Andy Warhol autographed Campbell’s Soup Can in The Buddha and Edison Anchor Watt Pub in Dunwich where retired fishermen and retired sea captains often hang out.
Pachamama the Inca earth mother goddess posted a photo of herself on Twitter to let people know that she looked nothing at all like the wooden statues of herself that Pope Francis commissioned an avante-garde Jesuit artist to make to use in last year’s Amazon Synod opening worship ceremonies in the Vatican Gardens
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday October 4th
2020.
Dr. Marmalade Montague’s Dandelion Remedy While Dr. Cadbury Rocher Plans For A New Crusader
Dr. Marmalade Montague (who didn’t hold a Doctorate in anything) was Set Enterprises’ resident eccentric.
He drank Russian tea from a Russian samovar but didn’t add lemon and honey to it like the Russians did.
Instead he added lime and maple syrup.
Marmalade Montague had been a baker with his own bakery for most of his professional life.
However that bakery went belly up during the Covid-19 lockdown in Paris France this past spring.
Going insane, he fancied himself the court scientist to the court of King Louis Quatorze who had fallen into a time warp and was taken from the reign of the Sun King to this year of 2020.
Marmalade Montague believed that it was his purpose to find an antidote or vaccine for the Covid virus.
Flying from Paris to London in a balloon, Dr. Montague showed up at the door of Set Enterprises Laboratories where Set Enterprises’ chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher took pity on him and gave him a job with his own small office and even smaller laboratory to play in.
Now Dr. Montague had heard the news that Donald Trump along with First Lady Melania had tested positive for Covid-19 and the U.S. President had been flown by helicopter to the Walter Reed Medical Center in Bethesda, Maryland.
Montague was currently working on a remedy for the virus using dandelions.
This new “scientific” approach was brought on by a dream he had where Oscar Wilde had met the Lion King and as Simba was wearing a pink dress and ballet slippers, Wilde had remarked, “Well, aren’t you the dandy lion?”.
Montague got on the phone to Walter Reed where he recommended to hospital authorities that Trump be injected with dandelion wine.
Later Montague had heard on the news that Trump was being given a dose of “experimental antibodies”.
Montague had text messaged Dr. Cadbury Rocher with this news wondering if the “experimental antibodies” being given Trump were his (the Dr. Marmalade Montague) recipe for a Covid remedy involving dandelion wine with a dash of borscht soup.
When Dr. Cadbury Rocher received the text message from Dr. Marmalade Montague, Dr. Rocher remarked to Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster, “I somehow very much doubt it.”
Dr. Rocher was sitting in the aquarium room alongside Michelangelo (who was playing the harp- a waterproof wooden harp with waterproof strings- in his lobster tank).
Rocher was working on a project of his own.
After long talks with British MP Renfield R. Renfield, Dr. Rocher had become convinced that Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan (the would be Sultan of a revived Ottoman Empire) was becoming an increasing danger to the world.
Over the past summer Erdogan had converted 10 Byzantine Orthodox Christian churches and monasteries in Turkey into Islamic mosques.
Now there was the war between Armenia and Azerbaijan that had erupted the past week.
Set Enterprises Intelligence Unit reports were showing that it was Erdogan who was clearly behind the conflict.
Armenian Prime Minister Nikol Pashinyan had told French newspaper Le Figaro today that it had evidence that Turkish Military Command is controlling Azerbaijan’s military operations in the disputed territory of Nagorno-Karabakh.
The Syrian Observatory For Human Rights had just issued a report saying that Turkey had now smuggled over 900 opposition fighters against Assad in Syria through Turkey into Azerbaijan to join the fight against the Armenians.
And now a group of Chaldean Catholic Bishops had also issued a report stating that Turkish military units were now attacking Christian villages in eastern Iraq.
Something would have to be done.
The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s personal archaeologist Dr. Edgar Lovecraft Ashbury (who had in fact discovered Set’s tomb in Egypt in November 1918) had recently discovered the grave of a Scottish Crusader who had fought alongside Richard The Lion Hearted in the Third Crusade.
The Crusader Leonard MacDavid was found to have his brains still intact in his skull (a powerful indication that the Scottish Crusader had never entered politics).
Dr. Rocher had resolved to put those brains inside a body and bring the Crusader back to life to lead a Crusade and fight against Erdogan.
He wondered in what body he should put Leonard MacDavid’s brains.
Dr. Rocher and Michelangelo were currently watching the 1975 comedy/fantasy film Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
He particularly watched with interest the scene involving the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday October 2nd
2020.
Theodora On Eve of Hagia Sophia Caliphate Service
A reporter asked British MP Renfield R. Renfield, “Mr. Renfield, when Lenin seized power in Russia in late 1917, he said there would be people in the West who would inadvertently aid the Bolshevik cause. Lenin said that such people are “useful idiots”. With the Neo-Bolshevik insurgency that you say is currently going on in the U.S., who would you say fits the category of “useful idiots” this week?”.
“Well, I would say that group of people who call themselves the Wall of Moms in Portland Oregon are the #1 prime contenders,” Renfield answered.
“Speaking of Portland Oregon, what do you think of Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler being hit by tear gas from federal agents last night?” Another reporter asked.
“Well, thank God it hit him and not some poor innocent bystander,” Renfield replied.
“What do you think of most of the news media in the U.S. saying that Trump is just sending armed and camouflaged federal agents into burned out and criminally infested U.S. cities to help his re-election in November since he botched the Covid crisis?” a third reporter asked.
“If he doesn’t send federal agents in to quell the insurgency in various U.S. cities and the Neo-Bolsheviks take power, there won’t be an election in November,” Renfield pointed out, “If the U.S. media actually studied history instead of cheering on and applauding these young anarcho-Marxist thugs and hooligans who are trying to erase it, they’d look at Lincoln’s actions prior to and at the start of the U.S. Civil War including unilaterally suspending the Writ of habeas corpus.
He also ordered every single member of the Maryland state legislature arrested to prevent Maryland seceding from the Union and joining the Confederacy.”
. . .
The British cabinet held a secret meeting to discuss the mysterious murder of backbench British Conservative MP Paul Sebastian Moran.
His body was found in the Thames River this morning sporting a huge bullet hole in his chest.
The cabinet was worried that the Russians might be responsible and since a report critical of the way the UK government had seriously underestimated the threat from Russia had just been released, Mr. Moran’s untimely murder might lead the British public to conclude that the UK government was inept.
Therefore it was agreed by cabinet to issue a statement that Paul Sebastian Moran MP had died as a result of Covid-19 rather than a gunshot wound.
There was precedent in the world for this.
A Florida motorcyclist who had been killed in a motorcycle accident recently had had his death listed as being caused by Covid-19.
Besides both the WHO and disease control agencies throughout the world were only too happy to inflate Covid-19 death numbers.
. . .
Tomorrow the Hagia Sophia would be holding its first Friday prayer service as a mosque since 1931.
And the Byzantine vampiress Theodora (who in her mortal life had been the Byzantine Empress Theodora wife of the Byzantine Emperor Justinian who had built the Hagia Sophia as a Byzantine Orthodox Christian cathedral back in 537 AD) was absolutely livid with rage about it.
She entered the residence of the man who had been selected to be the first prayer service leader for a mosque Friday prayer service at Hagia Sophia.
And she completely drained his body of blood.
Recep Tayyip Erdogan (the would-be Sultan of a revised Ottoman Empire) would have to find another Friday prayer service leader.
Byzantine vampiress Theodora: Tonight’s victim wouldn’t have a prayer this coming Friday.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday July 23rd
2020.
Justin Discovers Kermit’s Law: It Isn’t Easy Being Green
Justin Discovers Kermit’s Law: It Isn’t Easy Being Green
Sophie Gregoire Trudeau (wife of Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau) was in their family mansion in Ottawa when she suddenly noticed a light on in the greenhouse outside.
She hadn’t seen a light on in the greenhouse since the days her husband’s pet pot smoking desert cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever inhabited the place.
Then the greenhouse light was on all the time whenever her husband was home.
Justin would go and inhale Strawberry Fields Forever’s exhaled pot smoke so he could truthfully tell the media that he didn’t personally smoke marijuana.
However that changed nearly a year ago when Chinese Communist agents from Beijing cactusnapped Strawberry Fields Forever from the greenhouse in retaliation for Canada’s arrest of Huawei CFO Meng Wanzhou.
Then over the summer, Strawberry Fields Forever finally ended up being murdered by his Chinese Communist captors since Meng Wanzhou still hadn’t been released from Canada.
Sophie was actually pleased when Strawberry Fields Forever had been cactusnapped because her husband stopped blabbing about getting advice from Gali-Gula the Caligula’s spirit possessed ET Gray from the planet Nibiru- an entity that her husband always saw whenever he inhaled pot smoke.
People might start thinking he was a lunatic if he engaged in such talk.
Sadly for her, Justin had recently decided to get Set Enterprises’ famous research scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher of London to genetically create a new pot smoking desert cactus plant for him.
With this in mind, Justin had sent Sheriff Stonedwall Jackman the pot smoking sheriff of Calypso’s Bosom (an Aquarian Age hippy commune on British Columbia’s Sechelt Peninsula- a sort of New Age equivalent of Scotland’s mythical mystical Brigadoon- with the cosmically inclined “far out” village emerging from its pot smoke filled mists once every 7 years) down to the Arizona desert to pick up a new cactus plant for Dr. Cadbury Rocher to clone.
Apparently Sheriff Stonedwall Jackman had cut off a slice of cactus from a cactus plant that the Hopi tribe of Arizona regarded as sacred.
The slice of cactus had been flown by Government of Canada jet from Arizona to London this past weekend.
It apparently took Dr. Cadbury Rocher approximately 4 to 6 weeks to genetically create a new pot smoking desert cactus plant.
Dr. Rocher did promise Justin however that he should have the new pot smoking desert cactus plant ready by Christmas.
It would definitely give the lines of that Christmas carol “Angels we have heard on high” a whole new meaning Sophie thought to herself when her husband Justin had told her the “good news”.
So if the pot smoking cactus plant wouldn’t be ready until Christmas, what were the lights doing on in the greenhouse? Sophie wondered to herself.
She went out to investigate.
She looked through the greenhouse window where she got the shock of her life.
She stormed through the greenhouse door.
“Justin, what the Hell do you think you’re doing?” Sophie called out angrily.
Justin was wearing a green turban on his head and had his face painted green with green face makeup.
He was inhaling marijuana smoke from a tiny desert cactus plant that was wearing a mini-skirt and giggling like a teen-aged school girl.
“Oh hi, dear,” the green-faced Justin Trudeau grinned, “this is Material Girl from Australia. She’s one of two original plant clippings off Strawberry Fields Forever that I had given to the noted Australian poet David Redpath. She and her twin brother Mellow Yellow.”
“And who is that mysterious looking gentleman?” Sophie pointed in the direction of a man wearing the robes of a Ming Emperor.
“That’s Mr. Inn Lu,” Justin explained, “He’s the one who flew Material Girl from Australia to Ottawa on his private jet at my request. I need to talk to Gali-Gula right away. And can’t wait until Christmas. So Inn Lu who’s a certified Dragon Master (don’t ask me what that is because I don’t know) and runs a recreational therapy spa in Sydney was kind enough to fly her here.”
“How do you know he runs a recreational therapy spa in Sydney?” Sophie asked her husband.
“Because that’s what it says on his business card,” Justin answered.
“Can I see your business card?” Sophie asked Inn Lu.
Inn Lu reached under his Green Dragon emblazoned black cap on top of his head and pulled out a business card.
Sophie looked at Inn Lu’s business card.
She then turned towards her husband and shrieked, “You idiot! He runs an opium den.”
“Well, smoking opium is a form of recreational therapy,” Justin smiled sheepishly.
“Don’t let Opposition Leader Andrew Scheer hear you say that,” Sophie shook her head in exasperation.
“Baa-baa-black sheep, have you any wool?” Material Girl started singing.
“Speaking of black sheep,” Sophie glared angrily at Justin, “What’s with the green turban and the green face? You told the media and the Canadian voters you’d never wear black face or brown face ever again.”
“And I’ve kept my promise,” Justin protested, “I never promised not to wear green face.”
“I never promised you a rose garden,” Material Girl sang, “along with the sunshine. There’s got to be a little rain sometimes.”
“Why are you wearing green face anyways?” Sophie asked.
“At Material Girl’s request,” Justin grinned, “She said she wouldn’t exhale pot smoke in my face unless I did so.”
The mysterious Mr. Inn Lu pulled a very large hourglass of sand out from under his robes and looked at the remaining small grains of sand that were left at the top about to filter through to the bottom of the hour glass, “Okay. Time to go, Material Girl. Your babysitter Uncle Ernie told me that the 48 hour All You Can Eat coupon he bought your owner Mr. David Redpath for the Road Kill Cafe (with food served fresh hourly) in the Australian Outback will be expiring soon. If he comes home and finds you missing again, Uncle Ernie will be in big trouble again. Time to head home.”
“Awww, shoot!” Material Girl pouted.
Despite her pouting, Inn Lu picked up Material Girl with his gloved hands and headed out to his private jet.
“Well, I guess no need now to ask you about the airplane parked in the driveway,” Sophie remarked to her green faced husband.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday November 18th
2019.
Pan Goatee Tries His Hand At Reality Therapy While Renfield Muses On Brexit and The Irish Backstop
Pan Goatee Tries His Hand At Reality Therapy While Renfield Muses On Brexit and The Irish Backstop
Satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was headed to the food court of the neighbourhood mall when suddenly he encountered a repulsively ugly looking white female that was a semi-human stoat hybrid.
The ugly looking creature seemed to be walking from the public library across the square.
Goatee correctly deduced that she was walking from the public library because like all people who are both female and ugly, she no doubt fancied herself an intellectual – something common to these creatures who thought that being both female and ugly automatically put them in that category of society known as intellectuals.
Goatee knew that this was faulty slop shodded reasoning because the most intellectual woman he had ever encountered in his life was a beautiful Malaysian woman who resided in a quiet Bavarian village.
“You pathetic ugly looking loser!” Goatee discoursed in therapeutic commentary that was never heard on TV programs like Dr. Phil as he beheaded the creature from the dung heaps of Beelzebub.
Meanwhile over in England, British MP Renfield R. Renfield was having a discussion on Brexit and the Irish backstop with his friend Amadeus Emanon.
“There is now of course thanks to my date with the vampiress Polish Countess Elena Dubrovna this past Saturday the possibility that Poland, Hungary or the Czech Republic if not all 3 will veto any extension to Brexit going on beyond October 31st of this year,” Renfield ate a piece of pumpkin pie with whipped cream on top.
“I hear pro-New World Order EU nations may also veto any EU deal on Brexit if it doesn’t exactly resemble the deal negotiated by Theresa May,” Amadeus noted.
“They have,” Renfield nodded, “which is why I’ve sent a cable to Vladimir Putin saying the UK would secretly approve any annexation of the said EU nations to the Russian Federation should Putin wish to go ahead with something like that.”
“I see,” Amadeus started to eat his own slice of pumpkin pie with whipped cream.
“Boris Johnson seemed to have quite an amenable meeting with Irish Taoiseach (Prime Minister) Leo Varadkar today,” Renfield started eating his Guinness laced shepherd’s pie, “It seems Varadkar is quite amiable to the idea of the backstop applying to Northern Ireland only instead of the United Kingdom as a whole. Unlike the Neo-Stalinist assholes in the EU bureaucracy in Brussels who want all of Britain to remain under the thumb of EU directives as EU bureaucrats seek to establish their idea of a Stalinist-Trotskyite synthesis Soviet United States of Europe which is definitely a recipe for a disaster in the making.”
“But won’t the Democratic Unionist Party remove their support from the British Conservative government given that they’re staunchly opposed to a Northern Ireland only backstop?” Amadeus queried.
“Of course the ghosts of both Winston Churchill and Orson Welles have informed me that the ghost of the Democratic Unionist Party’s founding leader the Rev. Ian Paisley is roasting away on a barbecue spit in Purgatory which is even more offensive to his Irish Scots Presbyterian sensibilities than if he was roasting away on a barbecue spit in the flames of Tartarus itself,” Renfield answered.
“Well despite Rev. Paisley discovering the Hell that Catholic doctrine is in fact true even though the current head of the Catholic Church Pope Francis no longer believes in Catholic doctrine, how does this take away from the fact that the DUP (Democratic Unionist Party) is staunchly opposed to a Northern Ireland only backstop?” Amadeus wanted to know.
“Well,” Renfield poured more Guinness on his shepherd’s pie, “I’ve already advised Boris Johnson to tell the Democratic Unionist Party to go fuck themselves.”
“Even though that’s biologically physically anatomically impossible,” Amadeus noted.
“Exactly,” Renfield grinned.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday September 9th
2019.
How Boris Johnson and Renfield R. Renfield Spent Saint Christopher’s Day
How Boris Johnson and Renfield R. Renfield Spent Saint Christopher’s Day
July 25th is Saint Christopher’s Day (even though the post-Vatican II Catholic Church from 1969 onwards taught that in their opinion, Saint Christopher never existed, the Saint Christopher medal continues to be popular among travellers and surfers).
Boris Johnson spent Saint Christopher’s Day giving his first speech as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom in the British House of Commons.
Meanwhile across the Pond (otherwise known as the Atlantic Ocean), Donald Trump spent the day looking at a photo of himself speaking at a recent event and noticed for the first time that the seal of the President of the United States of America bore a double headed eagle clutching a bag of golf clubs in one of its claws.
“I could have sworn that it was a single headed eagle clutching arrows in one of its claws,” Trump scratched the dandruff out of his toupee.
Back across the Pond again, the Welsh vampiress Morgana sat on the government benches in the House of Commons as Deputy Home Secretary In Charge of Midnight Security.
She applied mascara to her eyelashes and red finger nail polish to her finger nails as Johnson gave an impassioned speech to the Commons on how he was going to deliver Brexit.
As Johnson spoke, British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield likewise sat on the government benches in the Commons as Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Geopolitical Intelligence Gathering.
While Johnson continued speaking, Renfield was busy text messaging his former boss the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.
Renfield was expressing his opinion to Set that Johnson probably wouldn’t be able to negotiate a Brexit deal with the European Union for 3 reasons:
1) European Union bureaucrats would probably continue to act like Soviet commissars on the question of the backstop on the Irish border between the British province of Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland
2) Irish Taoiseach (Prime Minister) Leo Varadkar would probably continue to act like Oscar Wilde on steroids on top of Lord Alfred Douglas on the Irish border backstop question
3) The notorious drunken leprechaun Yaldabaoth (viewed as the Demi-Urge who created the material physical universe by various Gnostic groups throughout the centuries) would probably continue to sleep across the border- half on the north side and half on the south
It was for these reasons, Renfield advised Set, that he should expect a no-deal Brexit.
A hard Brexit.
As Set sat in The Ten Bells Pub in central London and read Renfield’s text message, he put his construction hard hat on, got a hard on as he looked at a poster of the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec, ordered 10 T-Rex shooters (guaranteed to kill any mortal dead) and when he had finished drinking and paid his bill, went off to Harrods to stock up on candies and various other treats for this coming Halloween.
Meanwhile in Moscow, Russian President Vladimir Putin had summoned the Russian vampiress Svetlana Kireeva of the FSB to his office to discuss the most recent actions by Ukraine.
The Russian tanker Nika Spirit (formerly called the Neyma) had been detained by the Ukrainian security service (SBU) in the Black Sea port of Izmail, Ukraine.
10 crew members who were aboard the Nika Spirit were held briefly for a few hours and then released.
Speaking to reporters in Kiev, Svetlana Kireeva’s vampiress rival and arch enemy the Ukrainian vampiress Inna Huculak of the SBU said that the Nika Spirit in its previous maritime ship incarnation as the Neyma had been the ship responsible for blocking the Kerch Strait to the Sea of Azov on November 25th of last year allowing the Russian Navy to seize the Ukrainian Navy gunboats The Nikopol and The Berdyansk and a Ukrainian Navy tug allowing the Russian Navy to capture 30 Ukrainian sailors of whom 24 remain in Russian custody.
After the incident had happened last November, the Ukrainian vampiress Inna Huculak had approached Renfield R. Renfield for help.
Renfield had set sail on the Dr. Cadbury Rocher designed submarine The Amphitrite II with his own personal brigade of British Army Gurkhas.
They sailed straight through the Strait of Kerch to the Sea of Azov.
There they captured a Russian Navy submarine The Svyatoy Ivan and took 66 Russian Navy sailors hostage.
The sailors would be released in return for the release of the 24 Ukrainian sailors.
However Putin absolutely refused to negotiate with Renfield R. Renfield as Renfield had once stolen a bunch of antique Bavarian beer mugs from the Russian leader’s antique Bavarian beer mug collection back in August 2014 and Putin had never forgiven him for it.
The 66 Russian sailors had been held prisoner at a castle in the Scottish highlands under guard from Renfield’s personal brigade of British Army Gurkhas ever since.
How CNN News reported Renfield R. Renfield’s capture of the Russian Navy ship The Svyatoy Ivan at its web site on November 29th of last year:
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday July 25th
2019.
Harvey Tallbanger Gets Trump To Call Off U.S. Military Retaliation Against Iran
Harvey Tallbanger Gets Trump To Call Off U.S. Military Retaliation Against Iran
The London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set had sent his secret agent the invisible 6 foot 8 Welsh pooka bunny rabbit Harvey Tallbanger to spy on the meeting of Donald Trump’s Security Council last night.
The security council was made up of Trump, National Security advisor John Bolton, U.S. Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, Rep. Nancy Pelosi, Sen. Chuck Schumer and various leading members of both houses of Congress.
Tallbanger hung around as Trump met with various leading Pentagon officials afterwards.
Trump was going to order military retaliation for the downing of a U.S. drone by Iranian forces.
However he happened to ask a general how many people might be killed in a retaliatory strike on Iran.
When the general answered at least 150, the invisible 6 foot 8 bunny rabbit spoke up, “You can’t kill 150 people just for the downing of an unmanned drone.
That’s totally disproportionate to what happened. Besides you shouldn’t be giving the president of Amazon any ideas for when their drone parcel deliveries are taken down either by accident or design.”
Upon hearing the words coming at him from an invisible voice, Trump called off the attack 10 minutes before it happened.
. . .
British MP Renfield R. Renfield told Athelstan the butler and valet to the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set that he Renfield would not be named to the cabinet next month even if Boris Johnson won the British Conservative Party leadership and became Prime Minister.
“Apparently most world leaders, friend and foe alike, are resolutely opposed to me becoming Britain’s Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Geopolitical Intelligence Gathering,” Renfield informed Athelstan over his 24th glass of brandy of the past half hour.
“I’m most sorry to hear that, sir,” Athelstan brought Renfield another glass of brandy, “Weren’t there any world leaders that spoke in your favour?”.
“Only King Abdullah and Queen Rania of Jordan,” Renfield answered.
“I always admired King Abdullah and Queen Rania,” said Athelstan.
“Most intelligent people do,” Renfield answered.
“How does Boris Johnson feel about this?” Athelstan inquired.
“Hard to say,” Renfield downed his 25th glass of brandy, “Apparently Boris Johnson and his partner Carrie Symonds had a violent argument over the matter last night. Neighbours called police when they heard the commotion. Carrie Symonds told Johnson that he should tell Donald Trump, Recep Tayyip Erdogan and Emmanuel Macron to go fuck themselves along with the members of Britain’s deep dark state. Johnson apparently spilled red wine all over her sofa in response causing the ghost of Orson Welles to weep uncontrollably when he saw it happen.”
. . .
Allatallahbel the vampiress priestess of Baal had marked the morning of the summer solstice by performing human sacrifices in the catacombs below the Vatican.
Pope Francis awakened by the screams had spent the morning pondering what the French Jesuit theologian Pierre Teilhard de Chardin had thought of ETs (extraterrestrials) and whether he had written anything on the subject in his numerous writings.
. . .
Ares the Greek god of war, who had spent the night before celebrating with John Bolton and Mike Pompeo over the possibility of war with Iran, had spent all day today drowning his sorrows after Trump called off military action.
Athena the Greek goddess of wisdom on the other hand was very relieved.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday June 21st
2019.
Pan Goatee Vs. The Disciples of Elagabulus
Pan Goatee Vs. The Disciples of Elagabulus
Even though there were plenty of seats, some guy stood up in the middle of the aisle and was blocking people from easily entering and exiting the door of the train.
Fortunately for the last vestiges of culture and civilization, Pan Goatee happened to be riding the train.
He solved the problem by beheading the said idiot and kicking the head down the middle of the aisle.
Goatee got off the train to the sound of thunderous applause.
It wasn’t usually the case that serial killers were popular but Pan Goatee a resurrected satyr of the Ancient Greek world was an exception.
Goatee had recently been hired by the Byzantine vampiress Theodora (she had, in her mortal life, been the Byzantine Empress Theodora and the wife of the Emperor Justinian the Great) to bump off disciples of the notorious Roman Emperor Elagabalus (who reigned from May 16th 218 AD to March 11th 222 AD) who were currently in position as leading CEOs of the techno giant social media networks and helping to stifle free speech on those networks.
Elagabalus (whose official name as Roman Emperor was Marcus Aurelius Antoninus Augustus) had been a transgendered Roman ruler.
He who called himself she was a thorough and utter despot.
So were his/her disciples in the modern world.
Elagabalus had been the hereditary high priest of the Roman Syrian sun god Heliogabalus at Emesa in Syria prior to his ascension to the throne as Emperor.
A Temple called the Elagabalium was built on the east face of the Palatine Hill to house the holy stone of the Emesa temple – a black conical meteorite.
During his short and brief reign, the Emperor/Empress Elagabalus had been so thoroughly obnoxious, he equally offended the Praetorian Guard, the Senate and the common people alike.
He was mercifully assassinated on March 11th 222 AD and was replaced by his cousin Severus Alexander.
Elagabalus’ modern disciples the Transgenderofascists had pretty well assumed Imperial Roman like power in Canada following the election of Pretty Boy Justin Trudeau in 2015.
Hopefully they’ll be on the way out of power in this autumn’s Canadian federal election.
Of course the Transgenderofascists were heavily at work in the U.S. trying to make inroads in the U.S. Democratic Party.
Many Americans might be more inclined to accept the idea of Medicare For All if they didn’t also have to accept the Transgenderofascist idea of oppression of freedom of speech and freedom of religion which went along with the modern American so-called progressive agenda that now controlled the U.S. Democratic Party.
Leading front runner Joe Biden was promising to unleash the greatest persecution of traditional Catholic and Bible believing Evangelical Christians in the name of Transgenderofascism should he be elected President.
Meanwhile as the various Transgenderofascist CEOs of various social media techno giants bragged about crushing freedom of speech, they found themselves being beheaded by Pan Goatee in the middle of their interviews.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday June 12th
2019.
Satanic Rock Stars, Justin Trudeau, Trump Vs. Dorian and DARPA Looks For Tunnels
August 29, 2019 at 10:57 pm (Commentary, Culture, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (DARPA, Donald Trump, Harvey Tallbanger, Hurricane Dorian, Justin Trudeau, Puerto Rico, Renfield R. Renfield, The State of Florida, Underworld of Hades, Zeus' Kraken Cometh)
Satanic Rock Stars, Justin Trudeau, Trump Vs. Dorian and DARPA Looks For Tunnels
“Teaching the doctrine of the actual real existence of Hell was the biggest defect in Jesus Christ’s character.”
-Bertrand Russell
“So, what are you looking at on the Net?” Amadeus Emanon asked his friend British MP Renfield R. Renfield.
“At a news item that Lady Gaga, Ariana Grande and a bunch of other demonically inspired losers in today’s music industry are planning a rock concert Rock Stars For Murdering Babies,” Renfield replied.
“Do they intend that to be the Woodstock of the year 2019?” Inquired a shocked Amadeus.
“Oh, most likely,” Renfield nodded.
. . .
Meanwhile in Canada, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was issuing a blistering attack on Federal Conservative Party leader Andrew Scheer.
Foamed Trudeau as his head spun around 360 degrees and he spewed out French green pea soup in Linda Blair style fashion, “Mr. Scheer does not support the values of the demons Baal and Baphomet. For as we all know the values of Baal and Baphomet are Canadian values. How do we know they’re Canadian values? Because being the cultural Marxist and progressive Fascist that I am, I say that they are Canadian values. To disagree with me and my fellow anal retentive social justice warriors is high treason and constitutes hate crimes of the highest magnitude.”
. . .
In Britain, the pro-EU group Best For Britain (financed by leftist billionaire George Soros) said that in lieu of Queen Elizabeth II granting UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s request for proroguing Parliament, what happened to King Charles 1st 370 years ago in 1649 might happen to the Queen this year.
. . .
Donald Trump (speaking to the news media after having wiped cream pie off his face some 24 hours earlier), “As we all know the people of Florida face the possibility of Hurricane Dorian barrelling down on top of them over the Labour Day weekend. We in this Administration will joyously and happily give them all the support, aid and money that they need should disaster happen. After all, it’s not the people of Florida’s fault that they live in an area often hit by hurricanes. And even more importantly I own a lot of resorts and golf courses in Florida. Whereas of course I don’t own any resorts or golf courses in Puerto Rico. I could stand to lose a lot of money if anything happens to my property in Florida. This would truly be a tragedy for this great nation if that were to occur. And someday, the Norse god Thor willing, I shall own a resort and golf course in Greenland.”
Trump then boarded a helicopter where another cream pie was thrown in his face by the 6 foot 8 tall invisible bunny rabbit Harvey Tallbanger.
“Shit! Not again!” Trump cried out.
. . .
Yesterday Wednesday August 28th DARPA (the Defence Advanced Research Projects Agency) also known as the “Mad Scientists’ Wing of the Pentagon” put out a twitter tweet asking for a city based tunnel the size of a shopping centre with several layers and maybe even a few atriums to it be made available to them (DARPA) as soon as possible and please let them know by Friday August 30th 2019 at 5:00 PM (DARPA local time).
The strange request which only a James Bond super villain or Lex Luthor or The Joker (from Batman) would probably be able to fulfill did receive a few replies.
Someone asked if DARPA was looking for Demogorgon (a character from the Dungeons and Dragons role playing game known by his titles “Prince of Demons” and “Lord of All That Swims In Darkness”).
DARPA tweeted back that “Demogorgon was a Department of Energy thing” not a DARPA thing.
Justin Trudeau was secretly pleased by the amount of Canadian cannabis that DARPA and U.S. Department of Energy employees were consuming.
. . .
“Not believing in the actual real existence of Hell was the biggest defect in Bertrand Russell’s character.”
-Renfield R. Renfield
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday August 29th
2019.
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