British M₱ Renfield R. Renfield was driving his vintage antique 1909 Thomas Flyabout.
As he was driving, he noticed a broken down 1999 Vauxhall Omega.
Standing alongside it was British ₱rime Minister Rishi Sunak.
“Mr. ₱rime Minister,” Renfield called out, “What ha₱₱ened?”.
“I forgot to fill u₱ with ₱etrol,” the ₱rime Minister grinned shee₱ishly, “and now my car has run out.”.
“Get in,” Renfield o₱ened the ₱assenger side door, “I’ll give you a lift.”
Suddenly a coughing and a s₱uttering could be heard from the engine of the Flyabout.
“Did you remember to get ₱etrol?” The ₱rime Minister asked.
“Maybe not,” Renfield answered.
Renfield drove around in circles trying to find a gas station.
Finally he decided to sto₱ to ask for directions. “Maybe those ladies u₱ ahead there know where a ₱etrol station is?” Renfield mused aloud:
“Um…. Renfield,” ₱rime Minister Sunak said with some alarm, “I think those are…”
Suddenly a flashing light and the sound of a siren could be heard coming from the motor vehicle behind Renfield’s.
. . .
“Your Majesty,” ₱addington Bear entered the study of His Majesty King Charles III, “Your ₱rime Minister the Right Honourable Mr. Rishi Sunak and controversial British M₱ Renfield R. Renfield have both been arrested by Scotland Yard and charged with soliciting for ₱rostitutes.”
“Good God,” His Majesty exclaimed.
“Good void,” His Majesty’s atheistic toy soldier Nutcracker (that the King had got as a Christmas ₱resent this ₱ast Christmas) exclaimed.
“At least this time the ₱rime Minister was wearing his seat belt,” the King’s new Swiss Cuckoo Clock bird chimed in.
-A vam₱ire novel cha₱ter
written by Christo₱her
Friday January 20th
2023.
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World famous genetically created satyr ₱an Goatee was once again riding a bus.
As he boarded it, there was a medium sized ugly gargoyle uglo sitting in one of the front seats so he beheaded her and cut her u₱ into 999 trillion ₱ieces.
Like clockwork, Kram₱us the demon arrived to carry the uglo’s remains down to Hell.
Later in a grocery store, another uglo crossed the satyr’s ₱ath so likewise she was beheaded and cut u₱ into 999 trillion ₱ieces.
The elfen s₱y looked at his watch.
Sure enough within seconds, Kram₱us arrived to take that uglo’s remains down to Hell.
Later as the satyr walked down the street, two uglos ha₱₱ened to walk by him and they were likewise beheaded and cut u₱ into 999 trillion ₱ieces.
And once again the elfen s₱y noted, Kram₱us arrived to take the remains of the two uglos down to Hell.
Later the elfen s₱y gave his re₱ort to the ancient titan deity Saturn Kronos (the father of Zeus and a whole bunch of other Olym₱ian gods and goddeses) who had recently esca₱ed from Tartarus.
Saturn Kronos figured that he could use ₱an in his army to take back ₱ower from his son Zeus.
So far the titan’s ₱lan involved going to the North ₱ole and kidna₱₱ing that very tall, fat and jolly elf known to the world as Santa Claus.
The original name of the very tall, fat and jolly elf was Caerthalian.
But when the immortal elf Caerthalian met the original Saint Nicholas the Bisho₱ of Myra back in the 4th Century AD, the elf changed his name to Santa Claus in the saint’s honour and moved u₱ to the North ₱ole with a bunch of smaller elves and built a small toy worksho₱ where they made gifts for good little girls and boys that they then delivered around the world by Christmas morn.
Back in Christmas Eve of 2O2O the demon Kram₱us had come u₱ with a ₱lan to kidna₱ Santa Claus (the immortal elf Caerthalian) and to commandeer his reindeer driven sleigh to s₱read the latest virus dvelo₱ed by Bill Gates, Dr. Anthony Fauci and the Wuhan Institute of Virology.
The ₱lan fell a₱art when Rudol₱h the Red-Nosed Reindeer managed to esca₱e and flee to Set Enter₱rises in London where he told British M₱ Renfield R. Renfield and the London based billionaire ancient Egy₱tian vam₱ire Set of the ₱lot.
World famous London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes the Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for Set Enter₱rises immediately flew to the North ₱ole that Christmas Eve of 2O2O and ₱ut a sto₱ to the ₱lot by whi₱₱ing Kram₱us with her whi₱.
Saturn Kronos however was not going to use Santa’s sleigh and reindeer to s₱read a virus but was going to use them as ₱art of an elaborate scheme he had figured out to overthrow his son Zeus from Mount Olym₱us.
The titan, after getting the information from the elfen s₱y about ₱an, was headed to an air₱ort where he would fly an original World War I scarlet coloured tri₱lane (much like that used by the Red Baron – the German flying ace known as Baron Manfred von Richthofen) to the North ₱ole to begin his ₱lans.
And he would make sure that none of the reindeer esca₱ed to reveal them.
-A vam₱ire novel cha₱ter
written Wednesday December 7th
2O22
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Today was King Charles III’s 74th birthday.
His unofficial aide-de-cam₱ ₱addington Bear had lit 74 candles on his birthday cake.
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In addition to eating a marmalade sandwich the bear also stood by with a fire extinguisher to ₱ut out the candles in case His Majesty was unable to blow them out.
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As it turned out, His Majesty could not.
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For earlier in the day the King had run a 1OO meter dash to ₱rove to himself that he could still do it at the age of 74.
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It had taken him 74.74 seconds to run the 1OO metre dash but he was still able to do it.
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“It looks like your wish won’t come true, your Majesty,” ₱addington Bear noted when the King could not blow out all 74 candles.
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“It looks like that is the case,” said Charles sadly.
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The king had wished that Renfield R. Renfield would never ever become ₱rime Minister of Britain.
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However both history and the visions of Michelangelo the ₱sychic Lobster would show that it was a good thing that Charles’ birthday wish didn’t come true.
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King Charles III’s great-uncle the ₱ro-Nazi King Edward VIII (who had abdicated the throne for his ₱iece-of-tail Mrs. Wallis Sim₱son but secretly ho₱ed that Hitler would ₱ut him back on the throne after the Nazis had conquered Britain but the best laid ₱lans of mice and men and rats like Hitler and Edward VIII often go astray) was busy roasting away on his rotating barbeque s₱it down in the flames of Tartarus where he had been roasting away ever since he had kicked the bucket back on May 28th 1972.
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Cerberus the three headed dog of the Underworld (who was busy wearing a comfortable air conditioned suit) was standing next to the roasting and screaming Edward VIII.
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Cerberus was talking on his smart₱hone.
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“Would you mind kee₱ing it down?” One of Cerberus’ three heads growled at the screaming late former Duke of Windsor, “We’re on the ₱hone here.”
Cerberus was trying to track down a corru₱t community housing official and ₱edo₱hile friend of the late Jeffrey E₱stein who called himself Mark of the Beast Alexander who had recently esca₱ed from Tartarus a few weeks ago. Both body and soul. He had managed to esca₱e through the means of witchcraft and sorcery as ₱racticed by a few ₱edo₱hile bisho₱s down at the Vatican.
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Cerberus was on the ₱hone to Kali the Hindu goddess of time, doomsday and death who ₱romised her hel₱ in bringing the vile scum Mark of the Beast Alexander to justice.
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California Gov. Gavin Newsom was ₱ondering on when he should be making his announcement that he would be running for the U.S. Democratic ₱residential nomination in 2O24.
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Michelangelo the ₱sychic Lobster adjusted his lobster antennae to get his view of Gov. Newsom into focus.
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California Gov. Gavin Newsom was a ty₱ical ₱o₱e Francis Catholic meaning that he worshi₱₱ed a ₱agan god rather than the God who was the Creator of the Cosmos.
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The god he worshi₱₱ed was Tezcatli₱oca the Aztec god of night and sorcery.
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In order to obtain ₱ower on his way to the White House, Gov. Newsom (according to Michelangelo’s vision) had, after reading a 12th Century account of the Celtic kings of Donegal in Ireland, had cou₱led with a white mare in the ₱resence of his most loyal su₱₱orters. After making out with her, the white mare was then boiled ₱iecemeal in a tub. Before that occurred however a mini-me dwarf genetic clone of Dr. Anthony Fauci had removed the offs₱ring of the White Mare-Gavin Newsom cou₱ling from the mare’s womb and had taken it to a genetics lab in Menlo ₱ark California where it would be brought to term in a s₱ecial incubation chamber.
The governor and his su₱₱orters then ate the white mare’s flesh but the governor alone bathed in the tub where the white mare was cooked and the governor alone drank the broth. He did however (according to Michelangelo’s vision) share and drink the blood of the white mare with his aunt-in-law Nancy ₱elosi.
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Dr. Hannibal Lecter as ₱layed by Anthony Ho₱kins then entered Michelangelo’s vision carrying a Quick Draw McGraw stuffed animal ₱lush toy with him and remarked, “How thoroughly revolting and disgusting!”.
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-A vam₱ire novel cha₱ter
written by Christo₱her
/
Monday November 14th
2O22
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The Greek goddess Athena at the St. James’ Court Hotel in London
The Greek goddess Athena was in London at the St. James’ Court Hotel where she would be attending a Johann Strauss style Viennese ball.
Her date for this evening would be Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing.
In addition to dancing, they would also be discussing geopolitical affairs as they danced.
When Dracul Van Helsing entered the ballroom, he was confronted by this vision.

As they danced to the music of the Blue Danube, the goddess and the vampire hunter discussed the Russia-Ukraine War and the possibility of nuclear war.
“The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set the owner of Set Enterprises here in London has been working behind the scenes to prevent nuclear war,” Dracul explained, “The same cannot be said for Isis, Osiris and their son Horus and their Freemasonic and Neo-Bolshevik Communist allies and the puppet whose strings they pull senile old fool Joe Biden who are all gung ho for nuclear war.”
“I guess they figure it’s a lot easier to Build Back Better when a few atomic mushroom clouds are decorating the landscape of the atmosphere,” Athena mused aloud.
“Set is dealing personally with operations against Isis, Osiris, Horus and Joe Biden,” Dracul nodded, “While his former employee the British MP Renfield R. Renfield is overseeing operations against Vladimir Putin so he doesn’t start a nuclear war.”
“And how’s that going?” Athena inquired.
“Well first we tried diplomacy,” Dracul noted, “We sent over the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec to try to talk to him diplomatically but he made a pass at her and so the whole thing failed. She kicked him right where it hurt. So Putin was unable to emerge from the meeting waving a condom in his hand and saying, “Piece in our time.” Diplomacy was over.”
“And then what was the next method of persuasion?” Athena smiled.
“We tried extortion and blackmail,” Dracul replied, “The good old Raymond “Red” Reddington of The Blacklist TV show approach. I managed to obtain some compromising photos of Putin in compromising positions with high-priced escort call girls at The Catherine The Great Hotel Hilton in downtown Moscow. Renfield sent over the ghost of Orson Welles to the Kremlin with those compromising photos in a spectral violin case. Welles said to Putin those photos would be released to both Russia and the world in the event he launched a nuclear attack on anyone.”
“And what was Putin’s response?” Athena wanted to know.
“Putin just laughed,” Dracul answered, “And said those photos would increase his popularity among the Russian people. Showing how young and virile he was for a 70-year-old leader.”
“As opposed to dementia and paving the way for a massive diaper shortage in the U.S. in Joe Biden’s case,” Athena acknowledged.
“Exactly,” Dracul agreed.
“So, what is your next strategy?” Athena was curious.
“Well, “diplomacy stunk” to paraphrase Charlie Chaplin’s Great Dictator character of Adenoid Hynkel. And “extortion stunk” to again paraphrase Charlie Chaplin’s Great Dictator character of Adenoid Hynkel. So now is the time to bring in the “big guns” which are “tomatoed buns”. We plan to send over world-famous London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes to tomato Vladimir Putin’s buttocks until he agrees to end the war in Ukraine,” Dracul explained.
“But how will Sherrielock get into Russia?” Athena asked, “It is my understanding that the Russian Air Defense Ministry have Dominatrixes preeminently pinpointed on their radar screens?”.
“Well, Sherrielock used to own an immortal white horse called Excalibur Lightning,” Dracul noted, “This horse could travel the world at lightning speed. Unfortunately at the outbreak of World War I in August 1914, the German secret service and the German Navy horsenapped Sherrielock’s horse and took it aboard a German u-boat and sailed to the waters of Canada’s High Arctic where it was said they buried it under a medieval Norse temple to the Norse goddess Freya. They did it to prevent Sherrielock Holmes riding over to Germany and tomatoing the buttocks of the Kaiser Wilhelm II to quickly end that war.”
“And has this horse been found?” Athena inquired.
“Yes, a team sent out by Set Enterprises happened to find it yesterday,” Dracul was pleased to announce.
An idiotic apologist for Charlie Chaplin’s Great Dictator character of Adenoid Hynkel kept throwing angry glances in Dracul Van Helsing’s direction.
The idiot Hynkel apologist whose name was Socrates1234 (because that was the highest he could count) went over to the punch bowl to pour himself a glass of punch.
Harvey Tallbanger the invisible 6 foot 8 tall Welsh pooka bunny rabbit and secret agent for Set Enterprises put several drops of hemlock into the idiot Hynkel apologist Socrates1234’s glass of punch.
The idiot Hynkel apologist dropped dead on the spot after drinking the hemlock laced glass of punch.
Since he had no ID on him, he was taken to a charity paupers’ funeral home where his memorial service was presided over by an Ashkenazi Jewish rabbi.
-A vampire novel chapter
Written by Christopher
Tuesday October 18th
2022.
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