Renfield Gets New Ghost Spirit Advisors For The Next Month

September 30, 2022 at 10:29 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

British MP Renfield R. Renfield dreamed that he was playing Peter Lorre’s character in the 1944 film The Mask of Dimitrios.

Renfield was rather enjoying the role as in this particular scene some beautiful dancer was rubbing against him.

He was awakened by the sound of the Set Estate guard cat Nefertiti Galore outside who was tearing apart some foreign intelligence secret agent who had been sent to assassinate Renfield.

After having ripped the assassin to shreds with her sharp feline claws, she was now meowing outside the front door demanding that Athelstan the Estate butler and valet give her a bowl of milk and a plate of tuna as a reward for her efforts.

Renfield got up from his evening nap and went downstairs.

He was shocked to see the ghosts of Orson Welles and Sir Winston Churchill (his supernatural spirit advisors) standing at the front door with their ghostly spectral luggage packed looking like they were ready to leave.

“Are you leaving?” Renfield did not want the duo to go.

“We’re just taking a tour of Europe for a month,” Welles answered as he sipped from a spectral glass of spectral red wine.

“We’ll be back if nothing happens,” Churchill smoked a spectral cigar and sipped a spectral glass of spectral brandy.

“Happens? What might happen?” Renfield inquired.

“That’s the reason why you’re being given a new pair of ghost spirit advisors for the next month,” Welles explained as he let Nefertiti Galore into the house, “Go into the living room and meet your new advisors.”

Renfield did so.

There sitting in one arm chair was the ghost of John F. Kennedy sipping a lime daiquiri and in the other arm chair was the ghost of Nikita Khrushchev downing a bottle of vodka.

It suddenly hit Renfield.

Next month was the 60th anniversary of the Cuban missile crisis.

The closest the world had ever come to a global nuclear war.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday September 30th
2022.

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Pan Goatee Slays Uglos On 70th Anniversary of Nixon’s Checkers Speech

September 23, 2022 at 9:52 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

It was the 70th Anniversary of Nixon’s Checkers speech.

70 years ago today on September 23rd 1952, then California Sen. Richard M. Nixon gave a speech in order to save his political hide from what was perceived as an impropriety in receiving gifts from donors.

There was the possibility that Nixon might be dropped from the Republican National Ticket as General Dwight David Eisenhower’s Vice-Presidential running mate for the upcoming November 1952 U.S. Presidential election.

So Nixon gave a speech in which he said that he had a dog named Checkers and that his wife Pat had a good Republican cloth coat not a mink coat.

The speech caught the imagination of the American people so thousands sent messages to the Republican National Committee asking that Nixon be kept on the ticket.

He was.

70 years later in honour of the occasion, two black and white Cocker Spaniel dogs were playing checkers on the sidewalk in celebration.

The world famous genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee walked by.

He was always happy to see four legged dogs.

Not so happy to see two legged dogs.

A really pathetic ugly woman walked by wearing a mini skirt.

“With a face like yours, even wearing a mini skirt doesn’t make you more attractive,” Goatee commented as he beheaded the uglo and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

“There goes my Calgary Legal Aid Defense Lawyer,” a low IQ moron started to weep.

Goatee went into an Asian Specialty Food Store where he enountered another repulsive uglo.

Likewise he beheaded her and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

“There goes my Calgary Legal Aid Defense lawyer,” a moronic looking man, who still held his mask in one hand (neglecting to put it on) and a gun in the other to rob the place, started to weep.

Goatee beheaded the man and cut him up into 999 trillion pieces.

Then Goatee went to catch the bus.

A fat ugly blimp got off the bus so Goatee beheaded her and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

A man wearing a raincoat, who was going down the street opening his raincoat and exposing himself, started to weep, “Hey, there goes my Calgary Legal Aid Defense Lawyer.”

In a flash, Goatee beheaded the man and cut him up into 999 trillion pieces.

Goatee decided to go catch another bus instead.

Most of the women on that bus were beautiful and so were in no danger from Pan (at least in terms of beheading and bodily dismemberment).

The one uglo on the bus was wisely sitting at the back and unlike most brainless uglos in the City of Calgary made no attempt to approach the genetically created satyr serial killer.

So Pan spared her.

Pan then got off the bus to catch another bus that would take him home.

As he ran to catch that neighbourhood bus, some moronic asshole was blocking the sidewalk with a shopping cart that was piled high with 20 different suitcases.

Afraid he’d miss his bus, Goatee beheaded the man and cut him up into 999 trillion pieces.

The suitcases fell on top of Alberta’s Neo-Fascist Premier Jason Kenney who hated the poor.

That’s why Kenney only hired ugly women to be defense lawyers for the province’s Legal Aid Societies that were financed by the provincial government.

No self-respecting poor person would want to be represented by a lawyer that repulsively ugly so they’d automatically plead guilty (to forego a trial in which they’d be represented by some super uglo defense lawyer who was as brainless as she was ugly) and Kenney could throw them in jail.

That way he could tell his fellow provincial counterparts at Canadian Premiers’ Conferences that Alberta had no poor people (since they were all in jail).

Goatee ran to catch the bus.

An uglo got off.

So Goatee beheaded the uglo and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

Neo-Bolshevik Communist demagogue Dr. Joe Vipond (the man who pushed most strongly for compulsory masking in the province throughout the plandemic and also for compulsory vaccination) like most Neo-Bolshevik Communist rich people was a tightwad and a cheapskate when it came to spending his own money instead of taxpayers’.

So Vipond wept, “There goes my Calgary Legal Aid Defense lawyer.”

Goatee beheaded the Neo-Bolshevik Communist physician and cut him up into 999 trillion pieces.

-A vampire novel chapter
Written by Christopher
Friday September 23rd
2022.

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Xi In Kazakhstan

September 14, 2022 at 10:58 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The Greek goddess Hera was in Astana Kazakhstan today.
As was Pope Francis and Communist China’s supreme despot Xi Jinping.

Hera was visiting Astana today because she had heard that Zeus would be attending the Kazakhstani 7th InterFaith Congress.

Zeus was most definitely in Astana (the Kazakh capital currently suffers under the revolting name Nur-Sultan named after a Kazakhstani politician and former President Nursultan Nazarbayev).

(Editor’s Note from Renfield R. Renfield: Due to the efforts of a Calgary based geopolitical analyst and blogger who has been pointing out in his blog posts the past few days that the name Astana reflects good taste while the name Nur-Sultan reflects bad taste , the government of Kazakhstan announced earlier today that it would be changing the Kazakh capital’s name back to Astana).

Zeus was here to chase a beautiful Jordanian princess (a distant cousin of Jordan’s King Abdullah II) who was here in Astana attending the InterFaith Congress on behalf of the Hashemite Kingdom of Jordan.

After cornering the Jordanian princess and asking her to come back to his palace on Mount Olympus where Zeus told her, “I’ll show you the way I ride my bulls”, the Jordanian princess shouted “Revenge for Ixion!” and kicked Zeus in the groin with her spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.

As Zeus lay on the ground groaning over his groin, Hera came by and hit Zeus over the head with the world’s largest watermelon that had been sent to the InterFaith Congress as a gift from former U.S. President Barack Obama.

Zeus now lay unconscious in a pool of Neo-Bolshevik red coloured juice while the ghost of Josef Stalin and the vampire Lev Tomi (who in his mortal life had been Leon Trotsky) sang that old Platters hit song “Oh yes I’m the Great Pretender…”

And speaking of pretenders and imposters, Jorge Mario Bergoglio (aka Pope Francis) had to google Who Was Jesus Christ? prior to giving a speech because the so-called Holy Father had forgotten who He was.

And also in Astana Kazakhstan on this day was Communist China’s paramount leader and all round despotic tyrant Xi Jinping.

Xi’s visit to Astana Kazakhstan on this day was his first trip outside Communist China ever since he had released bat virus from the Wuhan Institute of Virology and had begun the plandemic.

“Unholy bat virus, Batman,” a talking robin spoke as he flew down on top of Xi’s hair and crapped all over him.

An immediate search was underway to find some PH Unbalanced Shampoo to shampoo the robin crap out of Xi’s hair.

A bottle was found in The Homicidal Sasquatch Pub in downtown Astana.

Sitting in the pub was the great Irish-Jewish American science-fiction writer George Finneganburg who was talking to the Russian made cyborg sex robot Sophia.

Sophia had been invented by the former East German Stasi scientist Dr. Nicht Werhoffen (who now worked for the Russian FSB).

The cyborg sex robot Sophia had made out with Dracul Van Helsing on a roundtable in the Kazakh Palace of Religion in Astana in 2013.

An incident that was recorded in a geopolitical analyst’s blog post back in 2013 (although at that time the geopolitical analyst lived in Vancouver and not Calgary).

“You mean to say,” George Finneganburg quickly downed his beer, “that Dracul Van Helsing came up with a cyborg sex robot before I did? How the Hell am I going to break the news to Akira?”.

Once the robin crap had been washed out of Xi’s hair, he then met with Kazakh government officials.

After his Astana visit, Xi would be flying to the Russian capital of Moscow for a Kremlin summit meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin in order to discuss the war in Ukraine.

As such, Xi had brought along his Supernatural spirit advisor the Black Dragon to Astana and the winged demon serpent covered in charcoal black would also be accompanying Xi to Moscow.

There the Black Dragon would be meeting with Putin’s supernatural advisor “Saint Michael the Archangel” (who was not really Saint Michael the Archangel but was really the demon Moloch posing as the Archangel Michael in an effort to fool the megalomaniacal would-be Deutero-Czar Peter the Great aka Putin).

Kwan Yin the immortal princess (venerated as the Goddess of Mercy in some sects of Buddhism) and her descendant the South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan were keeping tags on Xi in Astana and would be following him to Moscow for his meeting with Putin.

Xi was now attending a state banquet in his honour with Kazakh government leaders in Astana.

Before Xi sat down at the banquet table, a small robotic Paddington Bear (called Paddy O’ Marmalade), who had been invented by Set Enterprises’ scientist Dr. Marmalade Montague, put a combination of honey, marmalade and Crazy Glue down on Xi’s chair.

When Xi sat down, he got hopelessly stuck and couldn’t get up again.

As members of the Kazakh honour guard struggled to get Xi free from the chair that his pants were hopelessly glued to, the Paddington Bear robot named Paddy O’ Marmalade came and threw a Peking Duck and Thousand Year Old Egg laced cream pie in his face.

The cream pie had been specially prepared and baked by Harvey Tallbanger the 6 foot 8 tall invisible Welsh pooka bunny rabbit who worked as a secret agent for Set Enterprises.

Between his butt stuck to the chair and his face covered in Peking Duck and Thousand Year Old Egg cream pie, Xi did not really look like a great leader.

It was at that moment that the ghost of Winston Churchill (representing the British government) presented Xi with a Winnie the Pooh t-shirt.

Of course Xi could not put it on because of his current predicament.

Just then a holographic image of British MP Renfield R. Renfield appeared and started to sing to the tune of the Beatles song Hey Jude:

“Hey Xi, don’t ask me why
Take a sad song and make it badder
Remember vaccines get under your skin
Changing your DNA
Until you become Transhuman, human, human, human, human,…”

Renfield was broadcasting from the living room of the Set Estate mansion in London, England.

In the background could be heard the sound of Amadeus Emanon opening the door to pick up the Chinese Food delivery they had ordered from a Chinese restaurant.

“Hey Amadeus,” Renfield piped up, “Ask the delivery guy how do you say “Xi Jinping, you are a total loser” in Chinese?”.

Amadeus asked.

And the Chinese Food delivery guy answered adding and ad libbing a few nasty pejoratives of his own.

Renfield spoke in perfect Mandarin (with some Cantonese thrown in for good measure) telling Xi that he was a total loser and throwing in the delivery guy’s added ad libbed nasty pejoratives of his own.

Xi was livid with rage although you couldn’t tell because his face was covered in Peking Duck and Thousand Year Old Egg cream pie while his bottom was still being pulled away from the butt locking combination of honey, marmalade and Crazy Glue on his chair.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday September 14th
2022.

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Dr. Nachash Naga’s Nightmare

September 3, 2022 at 10:59 pm (Avatar Speaks, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Politics, Science, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

NASA administrator Dr. Nachash Naga hit the roof when the launch of Artemis 1 was scrapped yet again.

As his secretary Deborah called for someone to repair the roof, Dr. Nachash Naga threw his model of the Artemis 1 rocket across the room breaking it into a million piecea.

“What went wrong?” Dr. Nachash Naga demanded to know.

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster adjusted his lobster antennae in his lobster tank at Set Enterprises in London, England in order to pick up the best imagery and audio of what he was seeing.

Michelangelo still wasn’t sure whether this was a vision or a dream.

“Well,” Nimrod the little green frog who was now serving as a special advisor to NASA (having built the Tower of Babel in man’s first attempt to reach the heavens before he wound up in a UFO crash and was later turned into a little green frog by Lilith the ancient Babylonian vampiress) spoke, “We thought we had a deal with the Greek goddess Artemis after Joe sacrificed one of his unknown daughters to her in Philadelphia before he gave his Nazi Fascist Fuhrer speech in Philadelphia that same night.”

“So what happened to that deal?” Dr. Nachash Naga sucked the life out of an apple.

“Well last night,” Nimrod explained, “someone posted a video on YouTube of senile old Joe shooting and killing a second deer sacred to Artemis last fall. Artemis saw the video and posted a comment, “I am so absolutely furious right now. The winds that stopped King Agamemnon’s fleet from sailing towards Troy are even now sucking the hydrogen out of the Atlas 1 moon rocket as we speak.” And sure enough today’s launch was postponed as a result of a hydrogen leak.”

“Bugger,” Dr. Nachash Naga swore.

“I’m sorry, I don’t do that anymore,” the ghost of Oscar Wilde said as he appeared, “I don’t know what joker in the realm of Hades sent me here as soon as you spoke that noun. I had to spend several years in Purgatory as a result of doing that in my own lifetime. As the people who are joyfully participating in tomorrow’s Sodomite Pride Parade in Calgary will discover when they cast off this earthly coil. They’ll be spending a lot of time in Purgatory. That is if they aren’t sent directly to Tartarus.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday September 3rd
2022.

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Athena In Kyiv

August 25, 2022 at 10:47 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The Greek goddess Athena was in Kyiv the capital of Ukraine.

She was having a photograph in black and white taken of her by the ghost of Orson Welles.

Athena remarked, “Coloured photographs in Vogue Magazine are for the Zelenskys. I much prefer a black and white photograph taken by the great Orson Welles.”

Volodymyr Zelensky the President of Ukraine and his wife Olena had recently had coloured photographs of themselves taken by VOGUE Magazine and were featured as the main subjects in a recent issue of the magazine.

Including a photograph of them making out while wearing clothes.

Showing the world that Ukrainians did not always have to be in their birthday suits while making love.

At the moment that Athena was getting her photo taken by the ghost of Orson Welles, Russian President Vladimir Putin was in Moscow wearing a bear skin rug and making out with U.S. Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez who was undertaking a secret undercover mission on behalf of the senile Joe Biden Administration.

The bear skin rug that Putin was wearing had belonged to a Russian brown bear that had been killed by fallout shrapnel from the car bomb blast that had killed Darya Dugina the daughter of Russian ultra-nationalist philosopher Aleksandr Dugin.

Russia had accused a female Ukrainian operative of planting the bomb and fleeing to Estonia.

According to the Set Enterprises Intelligence Unit, the bomb had been built by the Nazi vampire Dr. Eichmann Mengele who had headed the American CIA’s Science and Research Division since 1950.

Interestingly enough the Russian brown bear killed by the Dugin car bomb blast (whose body and fur had now been turned by the President of Russia into his own personal conjugal relations rug with AOC as the first lucky recipient of the furry embrace) had been possessed for a number of years by the ghost of Grigori Rasputin the Russian monk and mystic who had served as advisor and healer to the Imperial Russian Romanov Family of Czar Nicholas II.

Several years back Hades the Greek god of the Underworld had granted the ghost of Grigori Rasputin a dispensational release from the realm of Hades.

The mystic mad monk’s spirit then took possession of a Russian brown bear’s body and had been possessing it ever since.

That is until the date of the Dugin car bombing on Saturday August 20th 2022.

When the bear had been killed by fallout shrapnel from the car bombing.

The bear’s last recorded words were, “I never got to have tea and marmalade with Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II like Paddington did.”

Vladimir Putin was now thinking of digging up Rasputin’s body at Tsarskoye Selo and after a heavy retouch at MacPherson’s Funeral Parlour in Moscow (Scottish undertakers and morticians were the best) have Rasputin’s ghost take possession of his original body.

Putin had sent Patriarch Kirill of Moscow to negotiate with the underworld god Hades on his behalf.

Patriarch Kirill had recently been called “Vladimir Putin’s altar boy” by George Soros’ altar boy Pope Francis.

As Vladimir Putin sat on the bear skin rug smoking a cigarette and singing “He’s got the whole world in his hands…”, AOC lay back on the bear skin rug with a look of total esctasy on her face.

She sighed, “I’ve never known a real man until now.”

Putin commented, “Well, you’ve got to stop hanging around with members of Joe Biden’s cabinet.”

Meanwhile in London, England, as the Greek goddess Athena was getting photographed in Kiev, the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill was complaining to British MP Renfield R. Renfield that the famous original December 1941 Yousuf Karsh taken photograph of Winston Churchill that had been hanging in the Chateau Laurier Hotel in Ottawa had been stolen and replaced with a copy about 8 months ago and hotel staff had only noticed now.

As Welles was finishing up the photo session, vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing walked into the room and started making out with the goddess Athena.

“Not again,” Welles sighed.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday August 25th
2022.

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From Key Largo To Mar-A-Lago

August 9, 2022 at 10:17 pm (Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Actress Claire Trevor won the 1948 Best Supporting Actress Award for her portrayal of former nightclub singer Gaye Dawn in the 1948 film Key Largo that starred Humphrey Bogart, Lauren Bacall and Edward G. Robinson

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was in his lobster tank at Set Enterprises Laboratories in London, England.

He was watching the 1948 film Key Largo on his waterproof 72 inch wide flat screen TV.

He was doing so on the recommendations of his good friends British MP Renfield R. Renfield and world-renowned concert pianist Amadeus Emanon.

In one scene as Claire Trevor’s character of Gaye Dawn stood smoking a cigarette in the lobby of the Hotel Largo,

Edward G. Robinson’s character of mobster Johnny Rocco orders hostage Frank McCloud (Humphrey Bogart) to turn on the radio while hostage Nora Temple (Lauren Bacall) paints her fingernails an indeterminate colour as the film was shot in black and white.

After McCloud turned the radio on, the film version that Michelangelo was watching suddenly took a strange sci-fi twist as the radio of the lobby of the Hotel Largo in Key Largo, Florida in 1948 picked up a news story from the year 2022.

Said the radio announcer, “U.S. President Joe Biden just can’t help himself. Joe Biden was eager to fondle girls and sniff hair after being cooped up for two weeks in Covid isolation in the White House.
Biden arrived in Lexington, Kentucky Monday morning to survey damage from the recent floods that the trio of Al Gore, Pope Francis and Bill Gates blamed on global warming, climate change and the refusal of the American worker to eat bugs for breakfast, lunch and supper.
A maskless Joe Biden repeatedly coughed into his hand as he sat next to Kentucky Gov. Andy Beshear (Democrat) at a press conference.
Beshear leaned away from Biden as the President continuously hacked into his hand.
First Lady Jill Biden hovered over Joe to make sure he stayed in line as they visited families impacted by the Kentucky floods.
But Joe just couldn’t keep his paws off of young women.
Creepy Joe even sniffed a woman’s hair.”

In an action that wasn’t even mentioned in the original Key Largo movie script written by director John Huston and screenplay writer Richard Brooks, Johnny Rocco went completely beserk and shot and killed all of the Hotel Largo hostages (thus bringing the movie to a sudden and abrupt end) because he couldn’t believe that a pervert such as Joe Biden could ever be elected President of the United States.

Michelangelo picked up the remote with one of his lobster claws and shut off the TV.

From a nearby room, he could hear Set Enterprises’ scientist Dr. Marmalade Montague listening to British MP Renfield R. Renfield’s Tuesday night podcast.

Said Renfield, “Yesterday Neo-Bolshevik Communist operatives in the American FBI raided Donald Trump’s home at the Mar-a-Lago estate in Florida…”

Michelangelo adjusted his waterproof blankets and patted his waterproof pillow and picked up a copy of the book Phil Huston’s Tales To Battle Insomnia off his nightstand.

The lobster immediately fell asleep after reading the first sentence of the first chapter.

He had a dream (or was it a vision?) of the Neo-Bolshevik Communist FBI raid on Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate.

He saw that the ghosts of Lavrentiy Beria (head of Josef Stalin’s NKVD Soviet secret police) and Jeffrey Epstein (pervert extraordinaire and close friend and bum buddy of influential politicians and globalist billionaires alike) were the ones leading the Neo-Bolshevik Communist FBI raid on the Mar-a-Lago estate.

What, Michelangelo wondered, were Beria and Epstein doing leading an FBI raid on Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate?

Meanwhile Donald Trump was having a phone conversation with his daughter Ivanka about the raid.

Said Donald to Ivanka, “I’m glad I left my dirty underwear in my safe. That will serve those Commie bastards in the FBI right as they sift through my underwear.”

Ivanka answered, “So you were able to keep all your dirty underwear in a single safe? I don’t think all of the safes in all of Fort Knox would be able to hold all of Joe Biden’s dirty underwear.”

Meanwhile in the Oval Office…

PLOOP !

Voice of Joe Biden (whining) : “Kamala, come change me…”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday August 9th
2022.

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From Fay Wray Atop The Empire State Building To Elmo On Sesame Street

July 6, 2022 at 10:31 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Fay Wray who was originally from Cardston, Alberta, Canada played Ann Darrow who was King Kong’s love interest in the 1933 film King Kong

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was watching the 1933 film King Kong on television.

Upon hearing the line at the end of the film “It was Beauty killed the Beast”, Renfield commented, “That line would be considered politically incorrect today. It would be considered offensive to beheading victims of Pan Goatee.”

Renfield was to appear later today to give a talk to children at a London public library.

Apparently some parents had complained about Drag Queen Reading Story Hour at the library.

And last night a Drag Queen who was also a Boris Johnson impersonator read a story.

The sight of someone who looked like Boris Johnson wearing a gold evening dress, 6 inch black eyelashes and 6 inch red painted fingernails had apparently traumatized all the children present.

Someone in charge of the public library decided that it would be a good idea if this evening Renfield was invited to give a talk to children.

As Renfield arrived at the library with his friends Amadeus Emanon and Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster, a British National Health Service nurse was just finishing her talk to the children in which she said that last week Sesame Street’s Elmo had been vaccinated against Covid-19.

“How many here want to be like Elmo?” The nurse asked.

All of the children put up their hands.

Renfield whispered something to Michelangelo.

The lobster nodded and left the auditorium.

“And now dear children,” the head librarian announced, “I’d like to present a Member of the British Parliament Mr. Renfield R. Renfield.”

Renfield got up to the podium and started to sing the song I Am The Very Model of the Modern Major-General from the Gilbert and Sullivan operetta The Pirates of Penzance.

Sang Renfield,

“I am the very model of the modern Major-General
I’ve information vegetable, animal and mineral
I know the Kings of England, and I quote the fights Historical
From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical

I’m very well acquainted, too, with matters Mathematical
I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical
About binomial theorem I’m teeming with a lot o’ news
With many cheerful facts about the square of the Hypotenuse…

… I’m very good at integral and differential calculus
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous…”

At that moment an animalculous being belonging to the Nephropidae family (i.e. Michelangelo) went up to Renfield and handed him a note with his right lobster claw.

“Dear children,” Renfield addressed them with a sad and solemn expression on his face, “I’ve just been informed that an hour ago Elmo from Sesame Street died of a massive heart attack.”

All the children gasped in horror.

Renfield went on, “In Bryan Hall CJCA Radio Edmonton fashion, I’m not going to talk about the fact that what just happened to Elmo has happened to people all over the world after they’ve taken the vaccine. No, I’m not going to talk about that. I’m not going to mention, in Bryan Hall CJCA Radio Edmonton fashion, that young athletes in particular have suddenly dropped dead after taking the vaccine. No, I’m not going to mention that. Also, in Bryan Hall CJCA Radio Edmonton fashion, I’m not going to talk about the fact that the number of still births has risen dramatically in the world ever since expectant mothers were given the vaccine. No, I’m not going to talk about that. And likewise, in Bryan Hall CJCA Radio Edmonton fashion, I’m not going to mention that Israeli and UK statistics show that your chances of dying from Covid are greater if you got the vaccine than if you didn’t. No, I’m not going to mention that.”

Amadeus whispered to Renfield, “I think you’ve traumatized the children.”

“Well it’s never too early to let children know that Big Government, Big Pharma and the brainless mainstream media are a bunch of lying sons of bitches,” Renfield answered.

“Who wants to be like Elmo now?” Renfield asked the children.

No show of hands.

-A vampire novel chapter
Written by Christopher
Wednesday, July 6th
2022.

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Carson Cody Albion and The Deadliest of Spies

April 20, 2022 at 10:04 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Espionage, International Intrigue, News, Science, Sorcery, Spy Tales, Technology, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Carson Cody Albion Private Eye had been asked to trail and follow a female Russian spy- an assignment he was very much enjoying

It was the spring of 1957.

And Carson Cody Albion Private Eye was walking the sidewalks of Los Angeles.

He had been hired to tail a female Russian spy.

It was a tail he was very much enjoying.

Suddenly Albion was accosted by a store detective who had noticed that the private eye was following the woman.

“What are you?” The store detective got up close into Albion’s face, “Some sort of pervert?”.

“No, I’m not a Hollywood producer,” Albion decked the man with his fists and knocked him out cold.

He had lost track of the woman.

A gentle breeze at that moment carried with it a whiff of the woman’s sensuous perfume.

Albion was back on track.

The woman entered an apartment building.

Albion recognized the building.

Janos Korda a Hungarian physicist who had fled his homeland after the failed 1956 uprising against Communist rule the year before lived there.

Korda had found a job working at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena.

One of the founders of the Jet Propulsion Laboratory was rocket engineer Jack Parsons.

Jack Parsons had been back in the 1940s a disciple of English occultist Aleister Crowley.

In early 1946 Parsons and science-fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard who was also a disciple of Crowley (Hubbard would later go on to found the Church of Scientology) worked on a series of magic rituals that they called the Babalon Working.

The rituals invoked the spirit of the Whore of Babylon.

Also called Babalon.

Crowley and the two men claimed they succeeded.

Parsons was killed in a home laboratory explosion in 1952.

Although police felt that the 37-year-old Parsons’ death was an accident, other associates suspected it was suicide or murder.

When Korda had arrived to work at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory, the fluent English language speaker Korda had been given a notebook of Parsons to read and analyze.

The notes consisted of Thelemite meditation techniques (Thelema had been the name of the religion founded by Aleister Crowley).

While meditating Korda came in contact with an entity calling itself Aiwass (the same entity that Crowley claimed to have once contacted and later sketched. The entity resembles an ET alien gray).

Aiwass gave Korda the plans for a new type of rocket.

Korda was so impressed with Aiwass’ plans that he wrote rocket engineer Wernher von Braun about it.

Unfortuntately Janos Korda’s letter to von Braun was intercepted by a Communist in the U.S. Post Office (Unfortunately Wisconsin Sen. Joe McCarthy had neglected to look for Communists in the U.S. Post Office).

The letter found its way to Soviet KGB headquarters in Moscow.

And thus the beautiful and lovely Alexandra Murthanoccasio Popovitch was dispatched to Los Angeles to seduce Janos Korda.

She got into his apartment.

She got into his arms.

And she got into his notebook (in which he had detailed Aiwass’ plans for rocketry and missiles).

Once the notebook was in her left hand, she shot him dead with her right hand.

Carson Cody Albion, who had stopped to buy himself a Coke from the apartment building’s Coke machine, thought that perhaps he shouldn’t have stopped to buy himself a Coke as soon as he heard the gun shots.

He tried to finish his bottle of Coke as quickly as he could and then ran upstairs.

When he entered the apartment, Janos Korda was lying dead on the floor and Korda’s pet budgie was saying, “The horror. The horror.”

“Excuse me,” Albion asked the budgie, “But are you saying “The horror. The horror.” ? Or “The whore. The whore.”? Because there is a difference you know.”

Meanwhile the lovely and beautiful Alexandra Murthanoccasio Popovitch was already fleeing down the fire escape.

A group of Grade 7 boys from a nearby private boys’ school were already looking straight up the fire escape at the tight skirted dress lovely female spy’s descent.

Their Art Appreciation teacher (who was a woman) who had been escorting them on a walk to a nearby art gallery suddenly broke into a lecture on the dangers of blindness (or even jail!) if one engaged in a certain physical activity (particularly in public).

As for the notebook, it returned safely to Moscow along with the lovely and beautiful Alexandra Murthanoccasio Popovitch.

Aiwass’ plans for the rocket were successful.

The USSR launched the Sputnik 1 satellite a few months later.

As for Aiwass’ missile, that took a little longer to develop.

Until Wednesday April 20th 2022.

When Russian President Vladimir Putin announced the launch of a new intercontinental ballistic missile.

As he warned the West not to keep threatening Russia’s security in the Ukraine War.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 20th
2022.

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Pan Goatee Beheads Brainless Uglo While Matthew Fox Is In The Running To Become The Next Unholy Grand Inquisitor

April 14, 2022 at 10:59 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Krampus The Demon much prefers Christmas to April snowstorms

It was April.

And there was a huge snowstorm happening.

So much for global warming.

Former U.S. Vice-President Al Gore found himself buried under 6 feet of snow.

And as far as the snow clearing crews were concerned, Gore could remain buried.

While much of North America found itself buried under feet of white, the Oval Office in the White House found itself buried under feet of brown.

“My Depends runneth over,” senile old Joe whined.

Today was also the 110th Anniversary of the night the Titanic struck an iceburg.

Ukraine marked the anniversary by sinking the pride and flagship of the Russian Navy’s Black Sea fleet the guided-missile cruiser Moskva.

Meanwhile the charismatic genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was riding a bus.

His stomach started to churn when a repulsive uglo got on the bus.

However unlike many uglos, she went and sat at the back of the bus so Goatee wouldn’t have to look at her repulsive ugly face.

Later Goatee went to a office to get some paper work done and faxes sent.

He was out walking when the same repulsive uglo he had seen on the bus earlier was now walking straight towards him.

“What? Seeing your stupid ugly face twice in the same day? I’m making sure it doesn’t happen again,” Goatee beheaded the repulsive uglo and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

Krampus the demon arrived being pulled in a one horse open sleigh through the blinding snowstorm.

“It’s almost Easter and it’s starting to look a lot like Christmas,” Krampus observed.

Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Peter Cottontail (hopping down the bunny trail) collided on the icy snowy streets.

. . .

Meanwhile at the Vatican in Rome, satanic AntiPope Francis, as he had done on the island of Malta, was directing that all Crosses and Crucifixes be taken down so as not to offend Muslims.

Meanwhile on loudspeakers parked outside the Vatican, the voice of British MP Renfield R. Renfield could be heard reading aloud Canto 28 of Dante’s Inferno.

And Pope Francis was telling an aide that he was thinking of appointing the New Age astrology believing and witchcraft practicing Episcopalian priest Father Matthew Fox (who had been a Dominican priest until he had been investigated for his whacko beliefs by Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger the future Pope Benedict XVI) to be the new head of the Congregation For The Doctrine of the Faith.

It would be the new Unholy Grand Inquistor’s job to enforce the syncretistic beliefs of Jorge Mario Bergoglio’s new Church to be called Mystery Babylon The Mother of Harlots.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday April 14th
2022.

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Pan Goatee Beheads More Uglos While Arnold Schwarzenegger Meets His End In Michelangelo’s Vision

April 12, 2022 at 9:56 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Krampus the demon dreams of beheading the demon Baphomet in a boxing ring

Following a boxing match in which his favourite boxer the living dead zombie boxer Gordon the Black Donnelly (of the infamous Black Donnelly clan of 19th Century Lucan Ontario) wins the Heavyweight Boxing Championship of the World, Krampus then stepped into the ring and beheaded the transgendered demon goat human freak Baphomet (who along with the demons Baal and Moloch was one of the patron demons of the U.S. Democratic Party).

Krampus then woke up.

It had all been a dream (and Baphomet’s nightmare).

His alarm went off.

His friend the genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee must have just beheaded and dismembered another uglo.

Pan Goatee was in downtown Calgary when he saw a really repulsive looking fat ugly blimp step on to a down escalator.

“You ugly looking spawn of the freak Baphomet and the Big Bang’s pompous pseudointellectual Sheldon Cooper’s fat ugly blimp of a girlfriend and later wife,” Goatee raised his astral laser machete, “you’re really going down.”

The satyr threw his machete in boomerang fashion.

The machete beheaded the fat ugly blimp and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

The ugly looking spawn of the freak Baphomet and the Big Bang’s pompous pseudointellectual Sheldon Cooper’s fat ugly blimp of a girlfriend and later wife was now dead.

Krampus arrived to pick up the remains.

Later Pan Goatee caught the bus home.

A repulsive thin ugly looking stoat and her moronic girlfriend came and sat down across from the satyr.

Goatee immediately beheaded the thin ugly stoat and cut her up into 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x infinity and beyond x 999 trillion x ad infinitum etc. etc. pieces.

The great Irish-Jewish American science-fiction writer George Finneganburg was trying to use an ancient Chinese abacus to keep track of the pieces.

“I wish I had the world famous cellist Tina Guo beside me helping me keep track,” Finneganburg sighed.

The world famous cellist Tino Guo sat down beside him in her sexy metallic leather mini dress.

“Maybe there really is a God,” Finneganburg was starting to reconsider his atheistic inclinations.

. . .

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was having a vision (or was it a dream) of various bozos getting their panties in a knot because of a sixth wave of Covid-19 (what generations prior to 2019 had called the common cold/flu).

One of those bozos getting his panties in a knot was former California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger.

“I can’t get into my panties,” the former bodybuilder complained to his pet goat.

He then made a video calling for compulsory lockdowns, compulsory masking and compulsory DeathVaxx vaccinations for everyone.

He then ended his video by telling American citizens and citizens of the world to “Screw your freedom.”

No sooner had the video ended than Schwarzenegger found his house invaded by British MP Renfield R. Renfield and his personal British Army brigade of Gurkhas.

Said Renfield, “Now that you’ve stepped into your father’s shoes, we found your dad’s old World War II Army uniform.”

The Gurkhas then fitted the ex-husband of Maria Shriver (and current husband of the former California governor’s pet goat) into his dad’s Austrian SS Army uniform.

Once he was in the uniform, a rope was put around Schwarzenegger’s neck and the rope was pulled to the ceiling while Schwarzenegger had his dad’s shoes (that he was wearing on his feet) placed atop a very tall stool.

The stool had a sign attached to it that said KICK ME.

“By the way,” Renfield smiled, “you won’t be back.”

The British MP then kicked the stool.

The Ex-Terminator was now exterminated.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday April 12th
2022.

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