Justin Discovers Kermit’s Law: It Isn’t Easy Being Green
Justin Discovers Kermit’s Law: It Isn’t Easy Being Green
Sophie Gregoire Trudeau (wife of Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau) was in their family mansion in Ottawa when she suddenly noticed a light on in the greenhouse outside.
She hadn’t seen a light on in the greenhouse since the days her husband’s pet pot smoking desert cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever inhabited the place.
Then the greenhouse light was on all the time whenever her husband was home.
Justin would go and inhale Strawberry Fields Forever’s exhaled pot smoke so he could truthfully tell the media that he didn’t personally smoke marijuana.
However that changed nearly a year ago when Chinese Communist agents from Beijing cactusnapped Strawberry Fields Forever from the greenhouse in retaliation for Canada’s arrest of Huawei CFO Meng Wanzhou.
Then over the summer, Strawberry Fields Forever finally ended up being murdered by his Chinese Communist captors since Meng Wanzhou still hadn’t been released from Canada.
Sophie was actually pleased when Strawberry Fields Forever had been cactusnapped because her husband stopped blabbing about getting advice from Gali-Gula the Caligula’s spirit possessed ET Gray from the planet Nibiru- an entity that her husband always saw whenever he inhaled pot smoke.
People might start thinking he was a lunatic if he engaged in such talk.
Sadly for her, Justin had recently decided to get Set Enterprises’ famous research scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher of London to genetically create a new pot smoking desert cactus plant for him.
With this in mind, Justin had sent Sheriff Stonedwall Jackman the pot smoking sheriff of Calypso’s Bosom (an Aquarian Age hippy commune on British Columbia’s Sechelt Peninsula- a sort of New Age equivalent of Scotland’s mythical mystical Brigadoon- with the cosmically inclined “far out” village emerging from its pot smoke filled mists once every 7 years) down to the Arizona desert to pick up a new cactus plant for Dr. Cadbury Rocher to clone.
Apparently Sheriff Stonedwall Jackman had cut off a slice of cactus from a cactus plant that the Hopi tribe of Arizona regarded as sacred.
The slice of cactus had been flown by Government of Canada jet from Arizona to London this past weekend.
It apparently took Dr. Cadbury Rocher approximately 4 to 6 weeks to genetically create a new pot smoking desert cactus plant.
Dr. Rocher did promise Justin however that he should have the new pot smoking desert cactus plant ready by Christmas.
It would definitely give the lines of that Christmas carol “Angels we have heard on high” a whole new meaning Sophie thought to herself when her husband Justin had told her the “good news”.
So if the pot smoking cactus plant wouldn’t be ready until Christmas, what were the lights doing on in the greenhouse? Sophie wondered to herself.
She went out to investigate.
She looked through the greenhouse window where she got the shock of her life.
She stormed through the greenhouse door.
“Justin, what the Hell do you think you’re doing?” Sophie called out angrily.
Justin was wearing a green turban on his head and had his face painted green with green face makeup.
He was inhaling marijuana smoke from a tiny desert cactus plant that was wearing a mini-skirt and giggling like a teen-aged school girl.
“Oh hi, dear,” the green-faced Justin Trudeau grinned, “this is Material Girl from Australia. She’s one of two original plant clippings off Strawberry Fields Forever that I had given to the noted Australian poet David Redpath. She and her twin brother Mellow Yellow.”
“And who is that mysterious looking gentleman?” Sophie pointed in the direction of a man wearing the robes of a Ming Emperor.
“That’s Mr. Inn Lu,” Justin explained, “He’s the one who flew Material Girl from Australia to Ottawa on his private jet at my request. I need to talk to Gali-Gula right away. And can’t wait until Christmas. So Inn Lu who’s a certified Dragon Master (don’t ask me what that is because I don’t know) and runs a recreational therapy spa in Sydney was kind enough to fly her here.”
“How do you know he runs a recreational therapy spa in Sydney?” Sophie asked her husband.
“Because that’s what it says on his business card,” Justin answered.
“Can I see your business card?” Sophie asked Inn Lu.
Inn Lu reached under his Green Dragon emblazoned black cap on top of his head and pulled out a business card.
Sophie looked at Inn Lu’s business card.
She then turned towards her husband and shrieked, “You idiot! He runs an opium den.”
“Well, smoking opium is a form of recreational therapy,” Justin smiled sheepishly.
“Don’t let Opposition Leader Andrew Scheer hear you say that,” Sophie shook her head in exasperation.
“Baa-baa-black sheep, have you any wool?” Material Girl started singing.
“Speaking of black sheep,” Sophie glared angrily at Justin, “What’s with the green turban and the green face? You told the media and the Canadian voters you’d never wear black face or brown face ever again.”
“And I’ve kept my promise,” Justin protested, “I never promised not to wear green face.”
“I never promised you a rose garden,” Material Girl sang, “along with the sunshine. There’s got to be a little rain sometimes.”
“Why are you wearing green face anyways?” Sophie asked.
“At Material Girl’s request,” Justin grinned, “She said she wouldn’t exhale pot smoke in my face unless I did so.”
The mysterious Mr. Inn Lu pulled a very large hourglass of sand out from under his robes and looked at the remaining small grains of sand that were left at the top about to filter through to the bottom of the hour glass, “Okay. Time to go, Material Girl. Your babysitter Uncle Ernie told me that the 48 hour All You Can Eat coupon he bought your owner Mr. David Redpath for the Road Kill Cafe (with food served fresh hourly) in the Australian Outback will be expiring soon. If he comes home and finds you missing again, Uncle Ernie will be in big trouble again. Time to head home.”
“Awww, shoot!” Material Girl pouted.
Despite her pouting, Inn Lu picked up Material Girl with his gloved hands and headed out to his private jet.
“Well, I guess no need now to ask you about the airplane parked in the driveway,” Sophie remarked to her green faced husband.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday November 18th
2019.
Pan Goatee Tries His Hand At Reality Therapy While Renfield Muses On Brexit and The Irish Backstop
Pan Goatee Tries His Hand At Reality Therapy While Renfield Muses On Brexit and The Irish Backstop
Satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was headed to the food court of the neighbourhood mall when suddenly he encountered a repulsively ugly looking white female that was a semi-human stoat hybrid.
The ugly looking creature seemed to be walking from the public library across the square.
Goatee correctly deduced that she was walking from the public library because like all people who are both female and ugly, she no doubt fancied herself an intellectual – something common to these creatures who thought that being both female and ugly automatically put them in that category of society known as intellectuals.
Goatee knew that this was faulty slop shodded reasoning because the most intellectual woman he had ever encountered in his life was a beautiful Malaysian woman who resided in a quiet Bavarian village.
“You pathetic ugly looking loser!” Goatee discoursed in therapeutic commentary that was never heard on TV programs like Dr. Phil as he beheaded the creature from the dung heaps of Beelzebub.
Meanwhile over in England, British MP Renfield R. Renfield was having a discussion on Brexit and the Irish backstop with his friend Amadeus Emanon.
“There is now of course thanks to my date with the vampiress Polish Countess Elena Dubrovna this past Saturday the possibility that Poland, Hungary or the Czech Republic if not all 3 will veto any extension to Brexit going on beyond October 31st of this year,” Renfield ate a piece of pumpkin pie with whipped cream on top.
“I hear pro-New World Order EU nations may also veto any EU deal on Brexit if it doesn’t exactly resemble the deal negotiated by Theresa May,” Amadeus noted.
“They have,” Renfield nodded, “which is why I’ve sent a cable to Vladimir Putin saying the UK would secretly approve any annexation of the said EU nations to the Russian Federation should Putin wish to go ahead with something like that.”
“I see,” Amadeus started to eat his own slice of pumpkin pie with whipped cream.
“Boris Johnson seemed to have quite an amenable meeting with Irish Taoiseach (Prime Minister) Leo Varadkar today,” Renfield started eating his Guinness laced shepherd’s pie, “It seems Varadkar is quite amiable to the idea of the backstop applying to Northern Ireland only instead of the United Kingdom as a whole. Unlike the Neo-Stalinist assholes in the EU bureaucracy in Brussels who want all of Britain to remain under the thumb of EU directives as EU bureaucrats seek to establish their idea of a Stalinist-Trotskyite synthesis Soviet United States of Europe which is definitely a recipe for a disaster in the making.”
“But won’t the Democratic Unionist Party remove their support from the British Conservative government given that they’re staunchly opposed to a Northern Ireland only backstop?” Amadeus queried.
“Of course the ghosts of both Winston Churchill and Orson Welles have informed me that the ghost of the Democratic Unionist Party’s founding leader the Rev. Ian Paisley is roasting away on a barbecue spit in Purgatory which is even more offensive to his Irish Scots Presbyterian sensibilities than if he was roasting away on a barbecue spit in the flames of Tartarus itself,” Renfield answered.
“Well despite Rev. Paisley discovering the Hell that Catholic doctrine is in fact true even though the current head of the Catholic Church Pope Francis no longer believes in Catholic doctrine, how does this take away from the fact that the DUP (Democratic Unionist Party) is staunchly opposed to a Northern Ireland only backstop?” Amadeus wanted to know.
“Well,” Renfield poured more Guinness on his shepherd’s pie, “I’ve already advised Boris Johnson to tell the Democratic Unionist Party to go fuck themselves.”
“Even though that’s biologically physically anatomically impossible,” Amadeus noted.
“Exactly,” Renfield grinned.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday September 9th
2019.
How Boris Johnson and Renfield R. Renfield Spent Saint Christopher’s Day
How Boris Johnson and Renfield R. Renfield Spent Saint Christopher’s Day
July 25th is Saint Christopher’s Day (even though the post-Vatican II Catholic Church from 1969 onwards taught that in their opinion, Saint Christopher never existed, the Saint Christopher medal continues to be popular among travellers and surfers).
Boris Johnson spent Saint Christopher’s Day giving his first speech as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom in the British House of Commons.
Meanwhile across the Pond (otherwise known as the Atlantic Ocean), Donald Trump spent the day looking at a photo of himself speaking at a recent event and noticed for the first time that the seal of the President of the United States of America bore a double headed eagle clutching a bag of golf clubs in one of its claws.
“I could have sworn that it was a single headed eagle clutching arrows in one of its claws,” Trump scratched the dandruff out of his toupee.
Back across the Pond again, the Welsh vampiress Morgana sat on the government benches in the House of Commons as Deputy Home Secretary In Charge of Midnight Security.
She applied mascara to her eyelashes and red finger nail polish to her finger nails as Johnson gave an impassioned speech to the Commons on how he was going to deliver Brexit.
As Johnson spoke, British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield likewise sat on the government benches in the Commons as Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Geopolitical Intelligence Gathering.
While Johnson continued speaking, Renfield was busy text messaging his former boss the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.
Renfield was expressing his opinion to Set that Johnson probably wouldn’t be able to negotiate a Brexit deal with the European Union for 3 reasons:
1) European Union bureaucrats would probably continue to act like Soviet commissars on the question of the backstop on the Irish border between the British province of Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland
2) Irish Taoiseach (Prime Minister) Leo Varadkar would probably continue to act like Oscar Wilde on steroids on top of Lord Alfred Douglas on the Irish border backstop question
3) The notorious drunken leprechaun Yaldabaoth (viewed as the Demi-Urge who created the material physical universe by various Gnostic groups throughout the centuries) would probably continue to sleep across the border- half on the north side and half on the south
It was for these reasons, Renfield advised Set, that he should expect a no-deal Brexit.
A hard Brexit.
As Set sat in The Ten Bells Pub in central London and read Renfield’s text message, he put his construction hard hat on, got a hard on as he looked at a poster of the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec, ordered 10 T-Rex shooters (guaranteed to kill any mortal dead) and when he had finished drinking and paid his bill, went off to Harrods to stock up on candies and various other treats for this coming Halloween.
Meanwhile in Moscow, Russian President Vladimir Putin had summoned the Russian vampiress Svetlana Kireeva of the FSB to his office to discuss the most recent actions by Ukraine.
The Russian tanker Nika Spirit (formerly called the Neyma) had been detained by the Ukrainian security service (SBU) in the Black Sea port of Izmail, Ukraine.
10 crew members who were aboard the Nika Spirit were held briefly for a few hours and then released.
Speaking to reporters in Kiev, Svetlana Kireeva’s vampiress rival and arch enemy the Ukrainian vampiress Inna Huculak of the SBU said that the Nika Spirit in its previous maritime ship incarnation as the Neyma had been the ship responsible for blocking the Kerch Strait to the Sea of Azov on November 25th of last year allowing the Russian Navy to seize the Ukrainian Navy gunboats The Nikopol and The Berdyansk and a Ukrainian Navy tug allowing the Russian Navy to capture 30 Ukrainian sailors of whom 24 remain in Russian custody.
After the incident had happened last November, the Ukrainian vampiress Inna Huculak had approached Renfield R. Renfield for help.
Renfield had set sail on the Dr. Cadbury Rocher designed submarine The Amphitrite II with his own personal brigade of British Army Gurkhas.
They sailed straight through the Strait of Kerch to the Sea of Azov.
There they captured a Russian Navy submarine The Svyatoy Ivan and took 66 Russian Navy sailors hostage.
The sailors would be released in return for the release of the 24 Ukrainian sailors.
However Putin absolutely refused to negotiate with Renfield R. Renfield as Renfield had once stolen a bunch of antique Bavarian beer mugs from the Russian leader’s antique Bavarian beer mug collection back in August 2014 and Putin had never forgiven him for it.
The 66 Russian sailors had been held prisoner at a castle in the Scottish highlands under guard from Renfield’s personal brigade of British Army Gurkhas ever since.
How CNN News reported Renfield R. Renfield’s capture of the Russian Navy ship The Svyatoy Ivan at its web site on November 29th of last year:
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday July 25th
2019.
Harvey Tallbanger Gets Trump To Call Off U.S. Military Retaliation Against Iran
Harvey Tallbanger Gets Trump To Call Off U.S. Military Retaliation Against Iran
The London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set had sent his secret agent the invisible 6 foot 8 Welsh pooka bunny rabbit Harvey Tallbanger to spy on the meeting of Donald Trump’s Security Council last night.
The security council was made up of Trump, National Security advisor John Bolton, U.S. Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, Rep. Nancy Pelosi, Sen. Chuck Schumer and various leading members of both houses of Congress.
Tallbanger hung around as Trump met with various leading Pentagon officials afterwards.
Trump was going to order military retaliation for the downing of a U.S. drone by Iranian forces.
However he happened to ask a general how many people might be killed in a retaliatory strike on Iran.
When the general answered at least 150, the invisible 6 foot 8 bunny rabbit spoke up, “You can’t kill 150 people just for the downing of an unmanned drone.
That’s totally disproportionate to what happened. Besides you shouldn’t be giving the president of Amazon any ideas for when their drone parcel deliveries are taken down either by accident or design.”
Upon hearing the words coming at him from an invisible voice, Trump called off the attack 10 minutes before it happened.
. . .
British MP Renfield R. Renfield told Athelstan the butler and valet to the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set that he Renfield would not be named to the cabinet next month even if Boris Johnson won the British Conservative Party leadership and became Prime Minister.
“Apparently most world leaders, friend and foe alike, are resolutely opposed to me becoming Britain’s Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Geopolitical Intelligence Gathering,” Renfield informed Athelstan over his 24th glass of brandy of the past half hour.
“I’m most sorry to hear that, sir,” Athelstan brought Renfield another glass of brandy, “Weren’t there any world leaders that spoke in your favour?”.
“Only King Abdullah and Queen Rania of Jordan,” Renfield answered.
“I always admired King Abdullah and Queen Rania,” said Athelstan.
“Most intelligent people do,” Renfield answered.
“How does Boris Johnson feel about this?” Athelstan inquired.
“Hard to say,” Renfield downed his 25th glass of brandy, “Apparently Boris Johnson and his partner Carrie Symonds had a violent argument over the matter last night. Neighbours called police when they heard the commotion. Carrie Symonds told Johnson that he should tell Donald Trump, Recep Tayyip Erdogan and Emmanuel Macron to go fuck themselves along with the members of Britain’s deep dark state. Johnson apparently spilled red wine all over her sofa in response causing the ghost of Orson Welles to weep uncontrollably when he saw it happen.”
. . .
Allatallahbel the vampiress priestess of Baal had marked the morning of the summer solstice by performing human sacrifices in the catacombs below the Vatican.
Pope Francis awakened by the screams had spent the morning pondering what the French Jesuit theologian Pierre Teilhard de Chardin had thought of ETs (extraterrestrials) and whether he had written anything on the subject in his numerous writings.
. . .
Ares the Greek god of war, who had spent the night before celebrating with John Bolton and Mike Pompeo over the possibility of war with Iran, had spent all day today drowning his sorrows after Trump called off military action.
Athena the Greek goddess of wisdom on the other hand was very relieved.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday June 21st
2019.
Pan Goatee Vs. The Disciples of Elagabulus
Pan Goatee Vs. The Disciples of Elagabulus
Even though there were plenty of seats, some guy stood up in the middle of the aisle and was blocking people from easily entering and exiting the door of the train.
Fortunately for the last vestiges of culture and civilization, Pan Goatee happened to be riding the train.
He solved the problem by beheading the said idiot and kicking the head down the middle of the aisle.
Goatee got off the train to the sound of thunderous applause.
It wasn’t usually the case that serial killers were popular but Pan Goatee a resurrected satyr of the Ancient Greek world was an exception.
Goatee had recently been hired by the Byzantine vampiress Theodora (she had, in her mortal life, been the Byzantine Empress Theodora and the wife of the Emperor Justinian the Great) to bump off disciples of the notorious Roman Emperor Elagabalus (who reigned from May 16th 218 AD to March 11th 222 AD) who were currently in position as leading CEOs of the techno giant social media networks and helping to stifle free speech on those networks.
Elagabalus (whose official name as Roman Emperor was Marcus Aurelius Antoninus Augustus) had been a transgendered Roman ruler.
He who called himself she was a thorough and utter despot.
So were his/her disciples in the modern world.
Elagabalus had been the hereditary high priest of the Roman Syrian sun god Heliogabalus at Emesa in Syria prior to his ascension to the throne as Emperor.
A Temple called the Elagabalium was built on the east face of the Palatine Hill to house the holy stone of the Emesa temple – a black conical meteorite.
During his short and brief reign, the Emperor/Empress Elagabalus had been so thoroughly obnoxious, he equally offended the Praetorian Guard, the Senate and the common people alike.
He was mercifully assassinated on March 11th 222 AD and was replaced by his cousin Severus Alexander.
Elagabalus’ modern disciples the Transgenderofascists had pretty well assumed Imperial Roman like power in Canada following the election of Pretty Boy Justin Trudeau in 2015.
Hopefully they’ll be on the way out of power in this autumn’s Canadian federal election.
Of course the Transgenderofascists were heavily at work in the U.S. trying to make inroads in the U.S. Democratic Party.
Many Americans might be more inclined to accept the idea of Medicare For All if they didn’t also have to accept the Transgenderofascist idea of oppression of freedom of speech and freedom of religion which went along with the modern American so-called progressive agenda that now controlled the U.S. Democratic Party.
Leading front runner Joe Biden was promising to unleash the greatest persecution of traditional Catholic and Bible believing Evangelical Christians in the name of Transgenderofascism should he be elected President.
Meanwhile as the various Transgenderofascist CEOs of various social media techno giants bragged about crushing freedom of speech, they found themselves being beheaded by Pan Goatee in the middle of their interviews.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday June 12th
2019.
Hitler’s Ghost Praises YouTube For Removing Dracul Van Helsing Video
Hitler’s Ghost Praises YouTube For Removing Dracul Van Helsing Video
British MP Renfield R. Renfield in his speech at Portsmouth England began his address by saying, “Today YouTube marked the 75th anniversary of Allied forces leaving from here to invade Normandy to liberate Nazi occupied Europe by removing a video that my friend Dracul Van Helsing made and posted to YouTube 11 years ago called Adolf Hitler: The Pied Piper of Evil.
No doubt calling Adolf Hitler a pied piper of evil marks the epitome of intolerance in the politically correct opinion of the imbeciles who govern YouTube.
A week ago, Dracul Van Helsing received an email saying that his video Adolf Hitler: The Pied Piper of Evil had been flagged after 11 years of being on YouTube and that after a review, the comments on the video had been disabled.
After further review by the pot smoking and cannabis cookie eating review team at YouTube, today the video was removed from YouTube for violating community standards to the effect that no video should “promote hatred against individuals or identifiable groups of people”.
Having viewed the video several times myself, I can safely say that the only individual who might possibly have had hatred promoted against him was an individual by the name of Adolf Hitler and the only group that might have hatred directed against them in the video were the Nazis.
I think this shows the danger of having monolithic groups such as Facebook and YouTube and Google deciding what constitutes hate speech and even most governments today since the heads of most of these corporations and governments have no real knowledge of history or philosophy or literature or what constitutes that style of genre known as satire.
They are for the most part guided in their decisions by groups and individuals who are all too easily offended and for the most part when one gets down to the true nitty gritty of the matter, they are usually individuals and groups who deserve to be offended and would be in any society or civilization where common sense still prevailed.”
Meanwhile down in Hades’ realm, Hitler’s ghost was reading an editorial statement on MNN – Mephistopheles News Network- showering praise on YouTube for removing the aforesaid DraculVanHelsing channel video called Adolf Hitler: The Pied Piper of Evil.
Hitler’s ghost: Ja, by calling me a pied piper of evil, he was being intolerant, ja.
He was promoting hatred, ja.
By showing still photos of both the Nuremberg rallies and the way I mesmerized the crowds while passing them in motorcades on the streets of German cities and then having the ABBA song The Piper play in the background in this video of still photos, he was being both hateful and intolerant towards me and my Party.
Have you heard those ABBA lyrics ?
“They came from the hills
And they came from the valleys and the plains
They struggled in the cold
In the heat and the snow and in the rain
Came to hear him play
Play their minds away”
Dracul Van Helsing was implying that all those people who came from all over Germany to hear me speak, that I was playing their minds away.
He was being intolerant and hateful in making such an assertion, ja.
“We’re all following a strange melody
We’re all summoned by a tune
We’re following the piper
And we dance beneath the moon
We’re following the piper
And we dance beneath the moon for him
And we dance beneath the moon
Sub luna saltamus”
By implying that the German people were all following a strange melody and strange tune when they heard me speak, Dracul Van Helsing was being intolerant, ja.
He was promoting hatred, ja.
“He gave them a dream
He seduced everybody in the land
The fire in his eyes”
How dare Dracul Van Helsing say that I seduced everybody in the land?
He’s implying that I was a mystical mesmerizing and hypnotic demagogue.
He’s being intolerant, ja.
He’s promoting hatred, ja.
“And the fear was a weapon in his hand
So they let him play
Play their minds away”
How dare that Dracul Van Helsing say that I used the German people’s fears as a weapon in my hand?
That I used that fear to play their minds away?
He’s being intolerant, ja.
He’s promoting hatred, ja.
All I can say in conclusion is that I doff mein hat to YouTube for removing such a hateful intolerant video.
-A commentary
and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday June 5th
2019.
Mrs. Muir from the 1947 film The Ghost and Mrs. Muir encounters two new ghosts: The Ghost of Stupidity Present in the form of a YouTube executive and Hitler’s ghost
Dracul and Semiramis In Paris
Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing was at Quasimodo’s Cafe in Paris waiting for the European Parliament election results to come in.
He phoned his friend British MP Renfield R. Renfield who was in London.
“Hi, Renfield,” Dracul greeted him, “How’s your party doing?”.
“We’re ahead of the Conservatives,” Renfield was already on his 10th cognac in celebration, “so we’ll be sending a few MEPs to Strasbourg and Brussels. Nigel Farage’s Brexit Party has done the best so that must have been one lucky milkshake that some protester doused him with. How is the Kraken’s Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party doing?.”
“Well given the results so far, the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party will be sending at least 2 MEPs to Strasbourg and Brussels,” Dracul looked at the television screen inside the cafe.
“So that means the Kraken Napoleon VI himself and his wife Medusa will be sitting in the European Parliament,” Renfield lit himself a cigar.
“That will be the case,” Dracul admitted, “Have you heard how Theresa May is taking the results?”.
“According to the gypsy fortune teller and psychic Dulcinea Lucia whom I ran into earlier tonight,” Renfield replied, “She says she saw Theresa May drowning her sorrows in a pub accompanied by the ghost of an 18th Century pirate.”
“Well, she’s one up on Margaret Thatcher then,” Dracul ordered a Napoleon brandy, “I don’t think the Iron Lady ever did that.”
“No, I don’t think so either,” Renfield considered the possibility, “The closest she ever got was when she said to Argentine President General Galtieri over the Falkland Islands Malvinas, your place or mine?”.
“The Kraken arrived in the cafe about an hour ago,” Dracul noticed the large octopus was downing champagne by the bucketloads, “He just got in from Tel Aviv. While there, he was told by Miranda the mermaid that sinister forces have developed a flesh eating killer seaweed designed to destroy France. Of course the Kraken already encountered that sinister piece of future sushi wrapping when he left Marseille for Tel Aviv yesterday.”
In the restaurant where Renfield was sitting, he ordered some sushi rolls from the waitress upon hearing this news.
“So, what’s new with you?” Renfield asked the vampire hunter.
“Well, a few days ago, I was kidnapped by the Syro-Phoenician goddess Atargatis while sitting in a Paris movie theatre attending a large screen showing of the movie Casablanca,” Dracul recalled.
“That must have been exciting,” Renfield was pleased by the restaurant’s quick delivery of the sushi rolls.
“It was,” Dracul smiled.
“What did she want?” Renfield said as he dove into the sushi rolls with his chopsticks.
“She wanted me to give her King Arthur’s battle banner on which was an image of a red dragon the famous Red Dragon Banner whose image is actually able to breathe fire in battle,” Dracul stated.
“And did you give it to her?” Renfield inquired.
“Oh, I gave it to her all right,” Dracul smiled again, “But not the Red Dragon Banner. That’s a family heirloom.”
“Well, I see the ghosts of Orson Welles and Winston Churchill are walking in through the door to join me in celebration,” Renfield finished his sushi rolls, “so I better go. Have a good night.”
“You too, my friend,” Dracul put his smartphone back in his pocket.
He looked towards a corner booth in the cafe and noticed Semiramis the legendary former Queen of Babylon sitting there.
As often happened when Dracul Van Helsing encountered goddesses and legendary queens, the setting had changed to black and white.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday May 26th
2019.
The Kraken Rises Off Israel
The Kraken Napoleon VI had got an urgent text message on his smart phone.
It was from Miranda the mermaid.
It was imperative that she meet him on the beaches of Tel Aviv, Israel.
“It must be something very important,” the Kraken thought to himself as he watched a TV commercial with the Greek god Poseidon advertising McDonald’s Restaurants current special of fresh Atlantic Fish and Chips.
It was a sad day the Kraken thought to himself when even the Olympians were selling out to American corporate conglomerates.
The Kraken was going to let his wife Medusa know where he was going but she was currently engaged in a leg wrestling match with the Egyptian vampiress Isis on the floor of Quasimodo’s Cafe in Paris.
Their slit skirted and black silk nylon legs wrapped around one another’s throats would have sent the Irish Jewish science-fiction writer George Finneganburg and his Greek Norse fantasy writer friend Hyperion Sturm into sheer frenzy had they walked through the cafe at that moment.
The Kraken decided to text message Medusa the news later.
The Kraken hopped on his skateboard and skateboarded all the way from Paris down to the port city of Marseille.
From Marseille, he planned to swim all the way across the Mediterranean to Tel Aviv to meet with mermaid Miranda.
The Kraken had a slight delay in Marseille when he was attacked by a giant piece of seaweed who tried to eat him.
It was fortunate for the Kraken that he had ordered the Giant Spinach Salad for dinner at Quasimodo’s Cafe in Paris because the spinach had made him super strong like Popeye the Sailorman.
The Kraken ripped apart the killer seaweed and was able to swim away before the seaweed grew back together again.
After doing 4 simultaneous breast strokes with his 8 arms, the Kraken was soon in sight of the beaches of Tel Aviv.
The Kraken decided to dive underwater and then rise up again in order to make a grand and impressive entrance on to the beach.
He dove and then rose again.
As he rose, he brought up the Russian Navy submarine The Pride of Saint Petersburg (that had been doing surveillance work up and down the coast of Israel) on his head.
Wearing the submarine like a hat on his head, he stepped on to the beach and announced to Miranda the Mermaid that he had arrived.
. . .
A group of tourists were on the beach at Cefalu, Sicily.
Only a week earlier, a young 7-year-old female sperm whale had been found dead on that beach.
Its stomach was full of plastic bags and other plastic objects that had caused her death.
Now the bozo group of tourists on the beach were littering it with plastic bottles, plastic cups and plastic straws after their huge gluttonous picnic and beach party.
The Celtic stag god Cernunnos emerged from the hills above the beach carrying his crossbow and poisoned arrows.
The horned stag quickly fired poisoned arrows into the huge crowd of plastic littering bozos killing them all.
The Greek god Ares who had been walking along the beach likewise threw down a huge plastic cup and plastic straw.
Cernunnos fired a poisoned arrow marked MADE IN PARIS into Ares’ Achilles heel.
The Greek god of war fell on to the beach crying out, “I hate it when that happens.”
. . .
Allatallahbell the Vampiress Priestess of Baal would be meeting in the Vatican Gardens today with Medusa’s sisters Sthenno and Euryale.
In the meantime she was performing a sacrifice to Baal in one of the side chapels in the Vatican.
As Allatallahbell was busy sacrificing to Baal, Pope Francis was strolling through the Vatican grounds.
A couple of days earlier, Pope Francis had given a talk to a group of people on one of his favourite topics the God of Surprises.
The God of Surprises always reminded him of the boxes of Cracker Jack popcorn that he bought as a kid which always had a prize inside.
His friend Samhain Cardinal Salaman had just found a shop in Rome which sold Cracker Jack popcorn.
Pope Francis walked through the Vatican contentedly munching on the molasses-flavoured and caramel-coated popcorn which came from the box with the pictures of Sailor Jack and his dog Bingo on it.
He wondered what prize lay for him at the bottom of the box.
What did the god of surprises have in store for him?
With that thought in mind, he walked into the Vatican Gardens where there stood Sthenno and Euryale the sisters of Medusa:
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday May 25th
2019.
Theodora and Varying Manners of Byzantine Intrigue
After lighting a candle to the Baphomet and the statue of Baal, Pennsylvania Democratic representative Brian Sims of Philadelphia went to bed.
After falling asleep, the Byzantine vampiress Theodora appeared in his bedroom and sprinkled him with Byzantine angel dust.
Sims then dreamed that he was a homosexual bishop back in the days of the Byzantine Emperor Justinian.
Justinian’s method of dealing with homosexual bishops was vastly different from that of Pope Francis.
His method was to castrate the bishops and then to have them paraded nude through the streets of Constantinople.
Instead of a “coming out” parade, it was a “coming off” parade.
Sims screamed as he slept.
He was not enjoying his dream.
Theodora smiled and laughed.
She was.
. . .
French President Emmanuel Macron was unhappy that Britain was going to be participating in European Parliament elections later this month since the Brits had failed yet another deadline to achieve Brexit.
He ate smoked oysters and downed champagne.
He then got on his iPhone and went to FaceTime.
British Prime Minister Theresa May was unhappy that Britain was going to be participating in European Parliament elections later this month since the Brits had failed yet another deadline to achieve Brexit.
She ate hot buttered biscuits and downed gin.
She then got on her iPhone and went to FaceTime.
May shrieked when she looked at her screen.
Emmanuel Macron was only wearing brief undershorts that were decorated with pink coloured daisies and that was it.
Macron shrieked when he looked at his screen.
Theresa May was only wearing hair curlers and that was it.
May gasped, “Emmanuel, we’ve got to stop FaceTiming like this.”
. . .
Miranda the mermaid had shapeshifted into full human form and was lying on the beach at Tel Aviv.
The Greek god Poseidon stepped up out of the ocean.
He had a large seashell to his ear since he was in a teleconferencing call with his brothers Zeus and Hades.
Poseidon ended the call and put the seashell in the back seat of his pants which were made out of seaweed.
“Miranda,” the Greek sea deity called out to the mermaid, “Did you know the ghost of Orson Welles is looking for you?”.
. . .
After filling the Baphomet and Baal worshipping Rep. Brian Sims of Philadelphia with the worst possible nightmares, the Byzantine vampiress Theodora returned to New York City for a nighttime modelling photo shoot.
Where an MI-6 spy operative code named Diablos Nocturna was waiting for her.
They spent a tantalizing evening of tantric sex afterwards.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday May 7th
2019.
The Byzantine vampiress Theodora: The stuff of nightmares to Baal and Baphomet worshippers.
But pleasant dreams to certain MI-6 operatives.
Satanic Rock Stars, Justin Trudeau, Trump Vs. Dorian and DARPA Looks For Tunnels
August 29, 2019 at 10:57 pm (Commentary, Culture, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (DARPA, Donald Trump, Harvey Tallbanger, Hurricane Dorian, Justin Trudeau, Puerto Rico, Renfield R. Renfield, The State of Florida, Underworld of Hades, Zeus' Kraken Cometh)
Satanic Rock Stars, Justin Trudeau, Trump Vs. Dorian and DARPA Looks For Tunnels
“Teaching the doctrine of the actual real existence of Hell was the biggest defect in Jesus Christ’s character.”
-Bertrand Russell
“So, what are you looking at on the Net?” Amadeus Emanon asked his friend British MP Renfield R. Renfield.
“At a news item that Lady Gaga, Ariana Grande and a bunch of other demonically inspired losers in today’s music industry are planning a rock concert Rock Stars For Murdering Babies,” Renfield replied.
“Do they intend that to be the Woodstock of the year 2019?” Inquired a shocked Amadeus.
“Oh, most likely,” Renfield nodded.
. . .
Meanwhile in Canada, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was issuing a blistering attack on Federal Conservative Party leader Andrew Scheer.
Foamed Trudeau as his head spun around 360 degrees and he spewed out French green pea soup in Linda Blair style fashion, “Mr. Scheer does not support the values of the demons Baal and Baphomet. For as we all know the values of Baal and Baphomet are Canadian values. How do we know they’re Canadian values? Because being the cultural Marxist and progressive Fascist that I am, I say that they are Canadian values. To disagree with me and my fellow anal retentive social justice warriors is high treason and constitutes hate crimes of the highest magnitude.”
. . .
In Britain, the pro-EU group Best For Britain (financed by leftist billionaire George Soros) said that in lieu of Queen Elizabeth II granting UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s request for proroguing Parliament, what happened to King Charles 1st 370 years ago in 1649 might happen to the Queen this year.
. . .
Donald Trump (speaking to the news media after having wiped cream pie off his face some 24 hours earlier), “As we all know the people of Florida face the possibility of Hurricane Dorian barrelling down on top of them over the Labour Day weekend. We in this Administration will joyously and happily give them all the support, aid and money that they need should disaster happen. After all, it’s not the people of Florida’s fault that they live in an area often hit by hurricanes. And even more importantly I own a lot of resorts and golf courses in Florida. Whereas of course I don’t own any resorts or golf courses in Puerto Rico. I could stand to lose a lot of money if anything happens to my property in Florida. This would truly be a tragedy for this great nation if that were to occur. And someday, the Norse god Thor willing, I shall own a resort and golf course in Greenland.”
Trump then boarded a helicopter where another cream pie was thrown in his face by the 6 foot 8 tall invisible bunny rabbit Harvey Tallbanger.
“Shit! Not again!” Trump cried out.
. . .
Yesterday Wednesday August 28th DARPA (the Defence Advanced Research Projects Agency) also known as the “Mad Scientists’ Wing of the Pentagon” put out a twitter tweet asking for a city based tunnel the size of a shopping centre with several layers and maybe even a few atriums to it be made available to them (DARPA) as soon as possible and please let them know by Friday August 30th 2019 at 5:00 PM (DARPA local time).
The strange request which only a James Bond super villain or Lex Luthor or The Joker (from Batman) would probably be able to fulfill did receive a few replies.
Someone asked if DARPA was looking for Demogorgon (a character from the Dungeons and Dragons role playing game known by his titles “Prince of Demons” and “Lord of All That Swims In Darkness”).
DARPA tweeted back that “Demogorgon was a Department of Energy thing” not a DARPA thing.
Justin Trudeau was secretly pleased by the amount of Canadian cannabis that DARPA and U.S. Department of Energy employees were consuming.
. . .
“Not believing in the actual real existence of Hell was the biggest defect in Bertrand Russell’s character.”
-Renfield R. Renfield
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday August 29th
2019.
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