How Boris Johnson and Renfield R. Renfield Spent Saint Christopher’s Day
How Boris Johnson and Renfield R. Renfield Spent Saint Christopher’s Day
July 25th is Saint Christopher’s Day (even though the post-Vatican II Catholic Church from 1969 onwards taught that in their opinion, Saint Christopher never existed, the Saint Christopher medal continues to be popular among travellers and surfers).
Boris Johnson spent Saint Christopher’s Day giving his first speech as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom in the British House of Commons.
Meanwhile across the Pond (otherwise known as the Atlantic Ocean), Donald Trump spent the day looking at a photo of himself speaking at a recent event and noticed for the first time that the seal of the President of the United States of America bore a double headed eagle clutching a bag of golf clubs in one of its claws.
“I could have sworn that it was a single headed eagle clutching arrows in one of its claws,” Trump scratched the dandruff out of his toupee.
Back across the Pond again, the Welsh vampiress Morgana sat on the government benches in the House of Commons as Deputy Home Secretary In Charge of Midnight Security.
She applied mascara to her eyelashes and red finger nail polish to her finger nails as Johnson gave an impassioned speech to the Commons on how he was going to deliver Brexit.
As Johnson spoke, British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield likewise sat on the government benches in the Commons as Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Geopolitical Intelligence Gathering.
While Johnson continued speaking, Renfield was busy text messaging his former boss the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.
Renfield was expressing his opinion to Set that Johnson probably wouldn’t be able to negotiate a Brexit deal with the European Union for 3 reasons:
1) European Union bureaucrats would probably continue to act like Soviet commissars on the question of the backstop on the Irish border between the British province of Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland
2) Irish Taoiseach (Prime Minister) Leo Varadkar would probably continue to act like Oscar Wilde on steroids on top of Lord Alfred Douglas on the Irish border backstop question
3) The notorious drunken leprechaun Yaldabaoth (viewed as the Demi-Urge who created the material physical universe by various Gnostic groups throughout the centuries) would probably continue to sleep across the border- half on the north side and half on the south
It was for these reasons, Renfield advised Set, that he should expect a no-deal Brexit.
A hard Brexit.
As Set sat in The Ten Bells Pub in central London and read Renfield’s text message, he put his construction hard hat on, got a hard on as he looked at a poster of the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec, ordered 10 T-Rex shooters (guaranteed to kill any mortal dead) and when he had finished drinking and paid his bill, went off to Harrods to stock up on candies and various other treats for this coming Halloween.
Meanwhile in Moscow, Russian President Vladimir Putin had summoned the Russian vampiress Svetlana Kireeva of the FSB to his office to discuss the most recent actions by Ukraine.
The Russian tanker Nika Spirit (formerly called the Neyma) had been detained by the Ukrainian security service (SBU) in the Black Sea port of Izmail, Ukraine.
10 crew members who were aboard the Nika Spirit were held briefly for a few hours and then released.
Speaking to reporters in Kiev, Svetlana Kireeva’s vampiress rival and arch enemy the Ukrainian vampiress Inna Huculak of the SBU said that the Nika Spirit in its previous maritime ship incarnation as the Neyma had been the ship responsible for blocking the Kerch Strait to the Sea of Azov on November 25th of last year allowing the Russian Navy to seize the Ukrainian Navy gunboats The Nikopol and The Berdyansk and a Ukrainian Navy tug allowing the Russian Navy to capture 30 Ukrainian sailors of whom 24 remain in Russian custody.
After the incident had happened last November, the Ukrainian vampiress Inna Huculak had approached Renfield R. Renfield for help.
Renfield had set sail on the Dr. Cadbury Rocher designed submarine The Amphitrite II with his own personal brigade of British Army Gurkhas.
They sailed straight through the Strait of Kerch to the Sea of Azov.
There they captured a Russian Navy submarine The Svyatoy Ivan and took 66 Russian Navy sailors hostage.
The sailors would be released in return for the release of the 24 Ukrainian sailors.
However Putin absolutely refused to negotiate with Renfield R. Renfield as Renfield had once stolen a bunch of antique Bavarian beer mugs from the Russian leader’s antique Bavarian beer mug collection back in August 2014 and Putin had never forgiven him for it.
The 66 Russian sailors had been held prisoner at a castle in the Scottish highlands under guard from Renfield’s personal brigade of British Army Gurkhas ever since.
How CNN News reported Renfield R. Renfield’s capture of the Russian Navy ship The Svyatoy Ivan at its web site on November 29th of last year:
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday July 25th
2019.
Harvey Tallbanger Gets Trump To Call Off U.S. Military Retaliation Against Iran
Harvey Tallbanger Gets Trump To Call Off U.S. Military Retaliation Against Iran
The London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set had sent his secret agent the invisible 6 foot 8 Welsh pooka bunny rabbit Harvey Tallbanger to spy on the meeting of Donald Trump’s Security Council last night.
The security council was made up of Trump, National Security advisor John Bolton, U.S. Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, Rep. Nancy Pelosi, Sen. Chuck Schumer and various leading members of both houses of Congress.
Tallbanger hung around as Trump met with various leading Pentagon officials afterwards.
Trump was going to order military retaliation for the downing of a U.S. drone by Iranian forces.
However he happened to ask a general how many people might be killed in a retaliatory strike on Iran.
When the general answered at least 150, the invisible 6 foot 8 bunny rabbit spoke up, “You can’t kill 150 people just for the downing of an unmanned drone.
That’s totally disproportionate to what happened. Besides you shouldn’t be giving the president of Amazon any ideas for when their drone parcel deliveries are taken down either by accident or design.”
Upon hearing the words coming at him from an invisible voice, Trump called off the attack 10 minutes before it happened.
. . .
British MP Renfield R. Renfield told Athelstan the butler and valet to the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set that he Renfield would not be named to the cabinet next month even if Boris Johnson won the British Conservative Party leadership and became Prime Minister.
“Apparently most world leaders, friend and foe alike, are resolutely opposed to me becoming Britain’s Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Geopolitical Intelligence Gathering,” Renfield informed Athelstan over his 24th glass of brandy of the past half hour.
“I’m most sorry to hear that, sir,” Athelstan brought Renfield another glass of brandy, “Weren’t there any world leaders that spoke in your favour?”.
“Only King Abdullah and Queen Rania of Jordan,” Renfield answered.
“I always admired King Abdullah and Queen Rania,” said Athelstan.
“Most intelligent people do,” Renfield answered.
“How does Boris Johnson feel about this?” Athelstan inquired.
“Hard to say,” Renfield downed his 25th glass of brandy, “Apparently Boris Johnson and his partner Carrie Symonds had a violent argument over the matter last night. Neighbours called police when they heard the commotion. Carrie Symonds told Johnson that he should tell Donald Trump, Recep Tayyip Erdogan and Emmanuel Macron to go fuck themselves along with the members of Britain’s deep dark state. Johnson apparently spilled red wine all over her sofa in response causing the ghost of Orson Welles to weep uncontrollably when he saw it happen.”
. . .
Allatallahbel the vampiress priestess of Baal had marked the morning of the summer solstice by performing human sacrifices in the catacombs below the Vatican.
Pope Francis awakened by the screams had spent the morning pondering what the French Jesuit theologian Pierre Teilhard de Chardin had thought of ETs (extraterrestrials) and whether he had written anything on the subject in his numerous writings.
. . .
Ares the Greek god of war, who had spent the night before celebrating with John Bolton and Mike Pompeo over the possibility of war with Iran, had spent all day today drowning his sorrows after Trump called off military action.
Athena the Greek goddess of wisdom on the other hand was very relieved.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday June 21st
2019.
Pan Goatee Vs. The Disciples of Elagabulus
Pan Goatee Vs. The Disciples of Elagabulus
Even though there were plenty of seats, some guy stood up in the middle of the aisle and was blocking people from easily entering and exiting the door of the train.
Fortunately for the last vestiges of culture and civilization, Pan Goatee happened to be riding the train.
He solved the problem by beheading the said idiot and kicking the head down the middle of the aisle.
Goatee got off the train to the sound of thunderous applause.
It wasn’t usually the case that serial killers were popular but Pan Goatee a resurrected satyr of the Ancient Greek world was an exception.
Goatee had recently been hired by the Byzantine vampiress Theodora (she had, in her mortal life, been the Byzantine Empress Theodora and the wife of the Emperor Justinian the Great) to bump off disciples of the notorious Roman Emperor Elagabalus (who reigned from May 16th 218 AD to March 11th 222 AD) who were currently in position as leading CEOs of the techno giant social media networks and helping to stifle free speech on those networks.
Elagabalus (whose official name as Roman Emperor was Marcus Aurelius Antoninus Augustus) had been a transgendered Roman ruler.
He who called himself she was a thorough and utter despot.
So were his/her disciples in the modern world.
Elagabalus had been the hereditary high priest of the Roman Syrian sun god Heliogabalus at Emesa in Syria prior to his ascension to the throne as Emperor.
A Temple called the Elagabalium was built on the east face of the Palatine Hill to house the holy stone of the Emesa temple – a black conical meteorite.
During his short and brief reign, the Emperor/Empress Elagabalus had been so thoroughly obnoxious, he equally offended the Praetorian Guard, the Senate and the common people alike.
He was mercifully assassinated on March 11th 222 AD and was replaced by his cousin Severus Alexander.
Elagabalus’ modern disciples the Transgenderofascists had pretty well assumed Imperial Roman like power in Canada following the election of Pretty Boy Justin Trudeau in 2015.
Hopefully they’ll be on the way out of power in this autumn’s Canadian federal election.
Of course the Transgenderofascists were heavily at work in the U.S. trying to make inroads in the U.S. Democratic Party.
Many Americans might be more inclined to accept the idea of Medicare For All if they didn’t also have to accept the Transgenderofascist idea of oppression of freedom of speech and freedom of religion which went along with the modern American so-called progressive agenda that now controlled the U.S. Democratic Party.
Leading front runner Joe Biden was promising to unleash the greatest persecution of traditional Catholic and Bible believing Evangelical Christians in the name of Transgenderofascism should he be elected President.
Meanwhile as the various Transgenderofascist CEOs of various social media techno giants bragged about crushing freedom of speech, they found themselves being beheaded by Pan Goatee in the middle of their interviews.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday June 12th
2019.
Dracul and Semiramis In Paris
Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing was at Quasimodo’s Cafe in Paris waiting for the European Parliament election results to come in.
He phoned his friend British MP Renfield R. Renfield who was in London.
“Hi, Renfield,” Dracul greeted him, “How’s your party doing?”.
“We’re ahead of the Conservatives,” Renfield was already on his 10th cognac in celebration, “so we’ll be sending a few MEPs to Strasbourg and Brussels. Nigel Farage’s Brexit Party has done the best so that must have been one lucky milkshake that some protester doused him with. How is the Kraken’s Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party doing?.”
“Well given the results so far, the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party will be sending at least 2 MEPs to Strasbourg and Brussels,” Dracul looked at the television screen inside the cafe.
“So that means the Kraken Napoleon VI himself and his wife Medusa will be sitting in the European Parliament,” Renfield lit himself a cigar.
“That will be the case,” Dracul admitted, “Have you heard how Theresa May is taking the results?”.
“According to the gypsy fortune teller and psychic Dulcinea Lucia whom I ran into earlier tonight,” Renfield replied, “She says she saw Theresa May drowning her sorrows in a pub accompanied by the ghost of an 18th Century pirate.”
“Well, she’s one up on Margaret Thatcher then,” Dracul ordered a Napoleon brandy, “I don’t think the Iron Lady ever did that.”
“No, I don’t think so either,” Renfield considered the possibility, “The closest she ever got was when she said to Argentine President General Galtieri over the Falkland Islands Malvinas, your place or mine?”.
“The Kraken arrived in the cafe about an hour ago,” Dracul noticed the large octopus was downing champagne by the bucketloads, “He just got in from Tel Aviv. While there, he was told by Miranda the mermaid that sinister forces have developed a flesh eating killer seaweed designed to destroy France. Of course the Kraken already encountered that sinister piece of future sushi wrapping when he left Marseille for Tel Aviv yesterday.”
In the restaurant where Renfield was sitting, he ordered some sushi rolls from the waitress upon hearing this news.
“So, what’s new with you?” Renfield asked the vampire hunter.
“Well, a few days ago, I was kidnapped by the Syro-Phoenician goddess Atargatis while sitting in a Paris movie theatre attending a large screen showing of the movie Casablanca,” Dracul recalled.
“That must have been exciting,” Renfield was pleased by the restaurant’s quick delivery of the sushi rolls.
“It was,” Dracul smiled.
“What did she want?” Renfield said as he dove into the sushi rolls with his chopsticks.
“She wanted me to give her King Arthur’s battle banner on which was an image of a red dragon the famous Red Dragon Banner whose image is actually able to breathe fire in battle,” Dracul stated.
“And did you give it to her?” Renfield inquired.
“Oh, I gave it to her all right,” Dracul smiled again, “But not the Red Dragon Banner. That’s a family heirloom.”
“Well, I see the ghosts of Orson Welles and Winston Churchill are walking in through the door to join me in celebration,” Renfield finished his sushi rolls, “so I better go. Have a good night.”
“You too, my friend,” Dracul put his smartphone back in his pocket.
He looked towards a corner booth in the cafe and noticed Semiramis the legendary former Queen of Babylon sitting there.
As often happened when Dracul Van Helsing encountered goddesses and legendary queens, the setting had changed to black and white.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday May 26th
2019.
The Kraken Rises Off Israel
The Kraken Napoleon VI had got an urgent text message on his smart phone.
It was from Miranda the mermaid.
It was imperative that she meet him on the beaches of Tel Aviv, Israel.
“It must be something very important,” the Kraken thought to himself as he watched a TV commercial with the Greek god Poseidon advertising McDonald’s Restaurants current special of fresh Atlantic Fish and Chips.
It was a sad day the Kraken thought to himself when even the Olympians were selling out to American corporate conglomerates.
The Kraken was going to let his wife Medusa know where he was going but she was currently engaged in a leg wrestling match with the Egyptian vampiress Isis on the floor of Quasimodo’s Cafe in Paris.
Their slit skirted and black silk nylon legs wrapped around one another’s throats would have sent the Irish Jewish science-fiction writer George Finneganburg and his Greek Norse fantasy writer friend Hyperion Sturm into sheer frenzy had they walked through the cafe at that moment.
The Kraken decided to text message Medusa the news later.
The Kraken hopped on his skateboard and skateboarded all the way from Paris down to the port city of Marseille.
From Marseille, he planned to swim all the way across the Mediterranean to Tel Aviv to meet with mermaid Miranda.
The Kraken had a slight delay in Marseille when he was attacked by a giant piece of seaweed who tried to eat him.
It was fortunate for the Kraken that he had ordered the Giant Spinach Salad for dinner at Quasimodo’s Cafe in Paris because the spinach had made him super strong like Popeye the Sailorman.
The Kraken ripped apart the killer seaweed and was able to swim away before the seaweed grew back together again.
After doing 4 simultaneous breast strokes with his 8 arms, the Kraken was soon in sight of the beaches of Tel Aviv.
The Kraken decided to dive underwater and then rise up again in order to make a grand and impressive entrance on to the beach.
He dove and then rose again.
As he rose, he brought up the Russian Navy submarine The Pride of Saint Petersburg (that had been doing surveillance work up and down the coast of Israel) on his head.
Wearing the submarine like a hat on his head, he stepped on to the beach and announced to Miranda the Mermaid that he had arrived.
. . .
A group of tourists were on the beach at Cefalu, Sicily.
Only a week earlier, a young 7-year-old female sperm whale had been found dead on that beach.
Its stomach was full of plastic bags and other plastic objects that had caused her death.
Now the bozo group of tourists on the beach were littering it with plastic bottles, plastic cups and plastic straws after their huge gluttonous picnic and beach party.
The Celtic stag god Cernunnos emerged from the hills above the beach carrying his crossbow and poisoned arrows.
The horned stag quickly fired poisoned arrows into the huge crowd of plastic littering bozos killing them all.
The Greek god Ares who had been walking along the beach likewise threw down a huge plastic cup and plastic straw.
Cernunnos fired a poisoned arrow marked MADE IN PARIS into Ares’ Achilles heel.
The Greek god of war fell on to the beach crying out, “I hate it when that happens.”
. . .
Allatallahbell the Vampiress Priestess of Baal would be meeting in the Vatican Gardens today with Medusa’s sisters Sthenno and Euryale.
In the meantime she was performing a sacrifice to Baal in one of the side chapels in the Vatican.
As Allatallahbell was busy sacrificing to Baal, Pope Francis was strolling through the Vatican grounds.
A couple of days earlier, Pope Francis had given a talk to a group of people on one of his favourite topics the God of Surprises.
The God of Surprises always reminded him of the boxes of Cracker Jack popcorn that he bought as a kid which always had a prize inside.
His friend Samhain Cardinal Salaman had just found a shop in Rome which sold Cracker Jack popcorn.
Pope Francis walked through the Vatican contentedly munching on the molasses-flavoured and caramel-coated popcorn which came from the box with the pictures of Sailor Jack and his dog Bingo on it.
He wondered what prize lay for him at the bottom of the box.
What did the god of surprises have in store for him?
With that thought in mind, he walked into the Vatican Gardens where there stood Sthenno and Euryale the sisters of Medusa:
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday May 25th
2019.
Theodora and Varying Manners of Byzantine Intrigue
After lighting a candle to the Baphomet and the statue of Baal, Pennsylvania Democratic representative Brian Sims of Philadelphia went to bed.
After falling asleep, the Byzantine vampiress Theodora appeared in his bedroom and sprinkled him with Byzantine angel dust.
Sims then dreamed that he was a homosexual bishop back in the days of the Byzantine Emperor Justinian.
Justinian’s method of dealing with homosexual bishops was vastly different from that of Pope Francis.
His method was to castrate the bishops and then to have them paraded nude through the streets of Constantinople.
Instead of a “coming out” parade, it was a “coming off” parade.
Sims screamed as he slept.
He was not enjoying his dream.
Theodora smiled and laughed.
She was.
. . .
French President Emmanuel Macron was unhappy that Britain was going to be participating in European Parliament elections later this month since the Brits had failed yet another deadline to achieve Brexit.
He ate smoked oysters and downed champagne.
He then got on his iPhone and went to FaceTime.
British Prime Minister Theresa May was unhappy that Britain was going to be participating in European Parliament elections later this month since the Brits had failed yet another deadline to achieve Brexit.
She ate hot buttered biscuits and downed gin.
She then got on her iPhone and went to FaceTime.
May shrieked when she looked at her screen.
Emmanuel Macron was only wearing brief undershorts that were decorated with pink coloured daisies and that was it.
Macron shrieked when he looked at his screen.
Theresa May was only wearing hair curlers and that was it.
May gasped, “Emmanuel, we’ve got to stop FaceTiming like this.”
. . .
Miranda the mermaid had shapeshifted into full human form and was lying on the beach at Tel Aviv.
The Greek god Poseidon stepped up out of the ocean.
He had a large seashell to his ear since he was in a teleconferencing call with his brothers Zeus and Hades.
Poseidon ended the call and put the seashell in the back seat of his pants which were made out of seaweed.
“Miranda,” the Greek sea deity called out to the mermaid, “Did you know the ghost of Orson Welles is looking for you?”.
. . .
After filling the Baphomet and Baal worshipping Rep. Brian Sims of Philadelphia with the worst possible nightmares, the Byzantine vampiress Theodora returned to New York City for a nighttime modelling photo shoot.
Where an MI-6 spy operative code named Diablos Nocturna was waiting for her.
They spent a tantalizing evening of tantric sex afterwards.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday May 7th
2019.
The Byzantine vampiress Theodora: The stuff of nightmares to Baal and Baphomet worshippers.
But pleasant dreams to certain MI-6 operatives.
Athena and Dracul In Edinburgh
“And so how are your travels across the annals of time going?” The Greek goddess Athena asked Dracul Van Helsing as he stoked the fires in the Edinburgh hotel room they were in.
“Well, last night I was in Havana Cuba in 1956 and I saw Pat Nixon’s Rockefeller bought mink coat won in a card game in a U.S. Mafia owned casino,” Van Helsing answered.
“My owl tells me that you spent quite the enchanted evening with Isabel Esmeronde the Cuban singer extraordinaire who won that card game,” Athena looked accusingly at Van Helsing.
“Your owl is quite the time traveling spy,” Van Helsing lit a cigarette.
“He is,” Athena acknowledged.
“And now he’s flying around the British House of Commons as the Brexit fracas is going on,” Van Helsing looked at the TV screen which showed an owl caught in the Speaker’s hair.
“He finds human follies and foibles quite amusing,” Athena helped herself to some grapes.
“I see you’re in touch with the Scottish independence movement should Brexit go ahead,” Van Helsing sat down on the sofa.
“They don’t call Edinburgh the Athens of the North for nothing,” Athena smoothed her dress.
“And you’re looking after the Athens of the North?” Van Helsing thought of the Grecian columns of the National Monument on Calton Hill.
“I am,” Athena nodded, “My father’s Kraken is now swimming in the North Sea.”
Van Helsing in his mind pictured Liam Neeson as Zeus saying “Release the Kraken!” and Mel Gibson as William Wallace standing on a cliff above the sea and shouting “I am William Wallace!”.
He wondered who would win that battle.
“I hear you shot and killed your time traveling adversary the Nazi SS Ahnenerbe Occult Bureau vampire Franz Kohler with a silver bullet,” Athena smiled.
“I did,” Van Helsing took a sip of his Scotch, “Unfortunately the immortal Egyptian priest scientist Imhotep brought him back from the dead and so he’s once again Undead.”
“And Imhotep seems to have the backing of the Egyptian god Thoth for whatever reason,” Athena rubbed her lip in thought.
“He appears to,” Van Helsing acknowledged.
“And with the secret diary of Solomon in your possession, you enter into the machinations of gods and goddesses,” Athena looked at the Canadian vampire hunter.
Van Helsing put down his Scotch, “I wasn’t aware you knew of that diary’s existence. I guess Solomon’s secret diary isn’t as secret as I thought.”
“As the Greek goddess of wisdom, I appreciated the wisdom of Solomon,” Athena stood up, “so of course I knew of his diary’s existence.”
Van Helsing stood up.
“The sun is setting,” the vampire hunter looked out the window.
In the distance, the Union Jack could be seen flying along Scotland’s national flag.
“I’d appreciate a kiss before bedtime,” Athena licked her lips.
And lips of Greek goddess and vampire hunter touched.
Followed by embracing of arms.
Miles away in the North Sea, the Kraken swam.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday March 28th
2019.
Basil and The Basilisk: A Poem
Basil was a farmer about his business
He milked the cows
fed the pigs
and gathered eggs of the chickens
But he did not enter the green barn
For the green barn contained a creature
he would have no dealings with.
The green barn was leased by Set Enterprises in London
Whatever experiments in that barn went beyond that sanctioned
by both God and man
Dr. Cadbury Rocher who showed up in a black Jaguar car one day
And then a red Jaguar car the next
And went around saying “The devil is in the details”
Gave Basil the farmer both a medieval bestiary
and the Naturalis Historia of Pliny the Elder
And marked pages saying, “Read, should you feel the inclination
to enter the green barn”
Now Basil’s Latin wasn’t exactly up to snuff
(his wife had cured him of the irritating habit of sticking
tobacco up his nose and then sneezing when they were first married)
but J.K. Rowling occasionally came to the Farmers’ Market in a nearby town to shop
So he asked her to translate from the original Latin
What he heard from Rowling turned his hair on end
He told his wife what he had heard
And both agreed they should never enter the green barn
Not of course they had any inkling to do so before
For a giant rooster in a cage had been taken into the barn
and then a giant snake in a cage
Then the sound of two different species but same genders co-mingling
in the night
While the Baphomet stood outside the barn saying,
“Everything is all right,
We need to open our minds
And cast aside old prejudices”
Pope Francis gave his apostolic blessing
via satellite transmission
and the Mayor of San Francisco said
This was bringing tears to his eyes
One night a man came to the farmhouse door
claiming to be a traveling guru
And asking food and shelter for the night
Basil and Bella agreed.
“There is no God”, the guru assured them with the solemnity of a Richard Dawkins
And then smiled,
“For God is within”
He took some Rolaids tablets for his heartburn
“There is no Devil either,” the guru smiled, “We create our own gods and devils. Good and evil are within us.”
He chewed some Exlax tablets
“And then project those outwards on to our surroundings”
“Where is your washroom?” The guru asked Farmer Basil
for the aftereffects of the externally applied medication
turned out to be fast acting.
“And there are times we are called upon to run like the wind”
The traveling guru remarked as he ran up the stairs
When he came back, he asked, “Where should I sleep?”
“I hope you don’t mind the kitchen floor,” Farmer Basil replied,
“For we only have the one bedroom and my wife and I
just bought the Dracul Van Helsing Guide To Tantric Sex and are looking forward to applying it tonight”
“We just watched MP Renfield R. Renfield on the telly tonight,” Bella smiled, “he was complaining about the fact that Van Helsing had tantric sex with the current heiress to the Queen of Sheba’s throne in Jerusalem last Saturday and then had tantric sex with the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec during a raging sea storm on the Isle of Patmos last night”
“Such astounding declarations make me wonder whether it was right for me to take the path of celibacy,” the guru had temporarily lost his beatific Buddha like smile
“What about the green barn over there?” The guru pointed outside,
“It seems very large. I could sleep there.”
“That is the habitat of the Basilisk,” Basil replied, “a creature of legend and mythology that has been resurrected in the modern world
thanks to the Transhumanist experiments of one Dr. Cadbury Rocher of
Set Enterprises”
“Basilisk?” The guru blinked.
“A serpent king that is a hybrid of a rooster and a serpent” Basil answered
“And like Empire actor Jussie Smollett,” Bella added, “is immune to criminal prosecution since it’s considered politically incorrect to do so.”
Basil went on, “The Basilisk is so venomous, it leaves a wide trail of deadly venom in its wake. And its gaze is likewise lethal.”
“The sort of entity that Bill Clinton would marry but not have an extramarital affair with,” Bella pointed out.
“Well, I ain’t afraid of no Basilisk,” the guru paraphrased a lyric from the theme song to the original 1984 Ghostbusters movie.
Basil and Bella looked at him.
“Like I’ve been trying to tell you, we create our own reality,” the guru said, “Like attracts like. Positive attracts positive. Negative attracts negative. I shall enter the green barn with positive thoughts and no harm shall come to me.”
The guru entered the barn.
There was no noise.
Basil and Bella went back into the farmhouse.
The next morning a Set Enterprises team came out like they did every morning
Dressed like Star Wars Imperial Stormtroopers in their protective suits
They carried out the body of the guru
who had turned to stone
Under the Basilisk’s venemous gaze
(As did creatures under Medusa’s gaze of old)
The Basilisk was obviously not subject to whatever reality
The guru thought he could create
with his own mind.
-A poem and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday March 26th
2019.
Bella has gazed on many things but will not gaze on the Basilisk
Renfield Muses On The Mueller Report
British MP Renfield R. Renfield had left the House of Commons while fisticuffs and wrestling matches over Brexit were still going on.
British Prime Minister Theresa May had former Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson in a headlock and British Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn was having his balls crushed by members of the Democratic Ulster Party.
Renfield joined his friends Amadeus Emanon and Angelique Dumont for dinner in a nearby restaurant.
As Renfield and Angelique already had both dessert and then coffee while Amadeus was now working on his 33rd plate of the All You Can Eat Fish and Chips Special, the chef and the owner were both down on their knees saying their Hail Marys that the concert pianist’s ravenous appetite would soon come to an end.
“So,” Amadeus sipped on his iced tea, “what’s your reaction to the Mueller Report?”.
“Well, it should come as no surprise to intelligent people that there was no collusion between the Russians and the Trump campaign,” Renfield slowly worked on his third post-dinner and dessert cup of coffee, “as intelligent people realize that Vladimir Putin is too intelligent a man to have his intelligence agencies co-operate and work with a disaster in the making like Donald Trump. That fact was of course totally lost on the New York Times, The Washington Post and most Congressional Democrats. But then of course it would be.”
“I noticed the Mueller Report did not give a definite statement one way or the other on whether Donald Trump obstructed justice,” Angelique noted.
“No, I suppose a legal opinion will have to be formulated on whether or not being an idiot constitutes obstruction of justice,” Renfield leaned back in his seat, “The question did not have to be addressed previously in American history because no one like Donald Trump had ever occupied the White House before.”
“What does this portend for the future?” Amadeus asked as he was trying to decide between eating his piece of halibut or his piece of cod next.
“Well, it does bode well for Trump,” Renfield said, “given the New York Times and Washington Post track record. Both papers said there was no way Trump would win the 2016 election. When he did, both papers’ editorial boards tried to explain away their colossal error in judgment by blaming Trump’s victory on the Russians. Now that Mueller has shot a hole in that theory leaving both The Times and The Post with egg on their faces (causing vegan subscribers to both papers to cancel their subscriptions over the outrageous use of poultry byproducts), they will no doubt continue to insist that there’s no way Trump can win re-election. Which should be good news for Trump.”
“What will this mean for the world stage?” Angelique asked.
“Well, the Nicolas Maduro regime in Venezuela can probably breathe a sigh of relief,” Renfield answered, “as there probably won’t be any U.S. military intervention in Venezuela in the near future. Which would have been the case had Mueller found any criminal wrongdoing on Trump’s part. Trump would then have done what any U.S. President had done in the past when faced with a major political scandal at home and that is to start a war abroad in order to divert the electorate’s attention and get people to rally around the flag and rally around the President as the bearer of the flag. Venezuela being the closest place to intervene would have been Trump’s first choice. An added benefit as well since the body bags wouldn’t have so far to fly home.”
“So does this mean peace on the world stage?” Amadeus waved to the waiter to order another plate of fish and chips.
“Sadly no,” Renfield shook his head, “The situation in the Middle East could blow sky high at any moment. There was already a Hamas rocket attack on a suburb of Tel Aviv overnight. And the Israeli Air Force are currently bombing Gaza in retaliation. Syria, Iran and Russia may decide to do something about the Golan Heights situation in response to Trump recognizing Israeli sovereignty over the area. There are all sorts of fuses that could go off over there.”
The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec during a raging sea storm on the Isle of Patmos (site of the Apostle Saint John’s vision of the Apocalypse)
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday March 25th
2019.
Hitler’s Ghost Praises YouTube For Removing Dracul Van Helsing Video
June 5, 2019 at 10:38 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel, Video, videos) (Adolf Hitler, Adolf Hitler’s ghost, Dracul Van Helsing, Renfield R. Renfield, The Pied Piper of Evil, YouTube, Zeus' Kraken Cometh)
Hitler’s Ghost Praises YouTube For Removing Dracul Van Helsing Video
British MP Renfield R. Renfield in his speech at Portsmouth England began his address by saying, “Today YouTube marked the 75th anniversary of Allied forces leaving from here to invade Normandy to liberate Nazi occupied Europe by removing a video that my friend Dracul Van Helsing made and posted to YouTube 11 years ago called Adolf Hitler: The Pied Piper of Evil.
No doubt calling Adolf Hitler a pied piper of evil marks the epitome of intolerance in the politically correct opinion of the imbeciles who govern YouTube.
A week ago, Dracul Van Helsing received an email saying that his video Adolf Hitler: The Pied Piper of Evil had been flagged after 11 years of being on YouTube and that after a review, the comments on the video had been disabled.
After further review by the pot smoking and cannabis cookie eating review team at YouTube, today the video was removed from YouTube for violating community standards to the effect that no video should “promote hatred against individuals or identifiable groups of people”.
Having viewed the video several times myself, I can safely say that the only individual who might possibly have had hatred promoted against him was an individual by the name of Adolf Hitler and the only group that might have hatred directed against them in the video were the Nazis.
I think this shows the danger of having monolithic groups such as Facebook and YouTube and Google deciding what constitutes hate speech and even most governments today since the heads of most of these corporations and governments have no real knowledge of history or philosophy or literature or what constitutes that style of genre known as satire.
They are for the most part guided in their decisions by groups and individuals who are all too easily offended and for the most part when one gets down to the true nitty gritty of the matter, they are usually individuals and groups who deserve to be offended and would be in any society or civilization where common sense still prevailed.”
Meanwhile down in Hades’ realm, Hitler’s ghost was reading an editorial statement on MNN – Mephistopheles News Network- showering praise on YouTube for removing the aforesaid DraculVanHelsing channel video called Adolf Hitler: The Pied Piper of Evil.
Hitler’s ghost: Ja, by calling me a pied piper of evil, he was being intolerant, ja.
He was promoting hatred, ja.
By showing still photos of both the Nuremberg rallies and the way I mesmerized the crowds while passing them in motorcades on the streets of German cities and then having the ABBA song The Piper play in the background in this video of still photos, he was being both hateful and intolerant towards me and my Party.
Have you heard those ABBA lyrics ?
“They came from the hills
And they came from the valleys and the plains
They struggled in the cold
In the heat and the snow and in the rain
Came to hear him play
Play their minds away”
Dracul Van Helsing was implying that all those people who came from all over Germany to hear me speak, that I was playing their minds away.
He was being intolerant and hateful in making such an assertion, ja.
“We’re all following a strange melody
We’re all summoned by a tune
We’re following the piper
And we dance beneath the moon
We’re following the piper
And we dance beneath the moon for him
And we dance beneath the moon
Sub luna saltamus”
By implying that the German people were all following a strange melody and strange tune when they heard me speak, Dracul Van Helsing was being intolerant, ja.
He was promoting hatred, ja.
“He gave them a dream
He seduced everybody in the land
The fire in his eyes”
How dare Dracul Van Helsing say that I seduced everybody in the land?
He’s implying that I was a mystical mesmerizing and hypnotic demagogue.
He’s being intolerant, ja.
He’s promoting hatred, ja.
“And the fear was a weapon in his hand
So they let him play
Play their minds away”
How dare that Dracul Van Helsing say that I used the German people’s fears as a weapon in my hand?
That I used that fear to play their minds away?
He’s being intolerant, ja.
He’s promoting hatred, ja.
All I can say in conclusion is that I doff mein hat to YouTube for removing such a hateful intolerant video.
-A commentary
and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday June 5th
2019.
Mrs. Muir from the 1947 film The Ghost and Mrs. Muir encounters two new ghosts: The Ghost of Stupidity Present in the form of a YouTube executive and Hitler’s ghost
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