Qonzilqointec On 70th Anniversary of Roswell UFO Crash

July 7, 2017 at 6:50 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Qonzilqointec On 70th Anniversary of Roswell UFO Crash

French UFO researcher Jacques Vallee was sipping cognac and reflecting on how it was 70 years ago today that a UFO flying saucer was said to have crashed on a ranch near the town of Roswell New Mexico.

Later the crashed vehicle was said to be just a downed weather balloon.

Although others had speculated that the crashed vehicle was a self-conscious self-aware Hoover vacuum cleaner that had a premonitory vision of the message implied in Richard Bach’s 1970s bestseller Jonathan Livingston Seagull.

Vallee didn’t know what to think about the incident.

ET better phone the nearest American Automobile Association Auto Club, was that what happened ? Vallee wondered.

His housekeeper entered the room to tell Vallee about two phone calls for him.

Mikhail Gorbachev was on Line 1 and Pope Francis was on Line 2.

. . .

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was currently attending the G-20 Summit in Hamburg Germany.

As he munched on his Hamburg hamburger alongside German Chancellor Angela Merkel, he reflected on the huge gaffe he had made in Ottawa at last weekend’s Canada Day 150th Anniversary.

He had mentioned every province and territory in Canada in his Canada Day speech except the province of Alberta (the home of famous Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing).

When he left the stage and was informed of his gaffe, he came back and said, “I love you, Alberta” and blew a kiss at the TV cameras causing a wide-eyed teen-aged girl in the crowd (whose name was Alberta) to swoon and faint.

Trudeau’s failure to mention Alberta had angered some Albertans who still remembered Justin’s father Pierre Elliot Trudeau’s energy wars of the 1970s and early 1980s with then Alberta Premier Peter Lougheed over control of the province’s oil and natural gas resources.

Pierre Trudeau’s National Energy Program (NEP) had siphoned billions of dollars from Alberta’s provincial coffers into his own federal government’s treasury.

After bringing in the NEP and figuratively giving Albertans the finger, Pierre Trudeau then literally gave Albertans the finger while crossing through the Province’s Rocky Mountains by train.

Justin Trudeau’s neglect in mentioning Alberta by name at the Canada 150 celebrations in the Canadian nation’s capital of Ottawa struck some Albertans as the son’s equivalent of the father’s giving them the finger.

But really, Justin reflected, it was an accident.

An accident caused by the ET gray from Nibiru named Gali-Gula making funny faces at him while he was speaking.

Justin had promised to legalize marijuana during the 2015 Canadian federal election campaign- a promise which won him numerous seats in British Columbia’s Lower Mainland.

After winning the election, Justin started his own personal one man investigation into the after effects of smoking marijuana.

And whenever he smoked pot, those were the only times that Gali-Gula (the ET gray from Nibiru whose body was possessed by the ghost of the late earthling ancient Roman Emperor Caligula) appeared to him.

Justin had resolved not to smoke any pot ahead of the Canada 150 celebrations.

That way he wouldn’t be seeing Gali-Gula and he also wouldn’t anger the crowd by eating up all the hot dogs at the hot dog stand when he got the munchies.

The trouble was when he got up on the stage, some in the crowd were celebrating Canada’s 150th birthday by smoking pot themselves and Justin had the misfortune of inhaling much of the smoke.

So then Gali-Gula appeared to him just as he was about to mention Alberta by name.

Gali-Gula stuck two fingers in both his ears and then stuck his tongue out making a funny face at the Canadian Prime Minister.

This action on the ET gray’s part totally discombobulated Justin and he forgot to mention Alberta.

Later when Justin came back and said, “I love you, Alberta”, Gali-Gula decided to fly to Alberta and land on the UFO Flying Saucer landing pad in the town of Saint Paul, Alberta built in Canada’s centennial year of 1967.

Gali-Gula’s UFO driving narrowly missed making an omelette out of the world’s largest Ukrainian coloured Easter egg near the town of Vegreville, Alberta and narrowly missed making shredded duck out of the statue of the world’s largest duck outside the town of Andrew, Alberta.

“So,” Chancellor Angela said to Prime Minister Justin over his hamburger rousing him from his thoughts, “I said to Donald, either pee or get off the pot.”

. . .

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec walked the streets of Roswell New Mexico.

She wore a black dress in mourning for the lives lost at Roswell 70 years ago.

Her Samsung mobile phone rang.

She answered.

It was Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing phoning.

They chatted.

Suddenly Qonzilqointec could hear the sounds of gunfire coming from the other end of the phone.

“Dracul, what’s happening?” Qonzilqointec asked.

“Some assassins tried to shoot me,” Dracul answered, “but I shot and killed them first with my Uzi sub machine gun that was given to me as a gift by the host of the Israeli reality TV series Battle of The Rabbis: Orthodox vs. Reformed vs. Conservative vs. Golda’s Uncle’s Lox and Cream Cheese Bagel Worshiping Cult.”

“Who were the assassins?” Qonzilqointec asked, “Agents sent by an evil Transylvanian baron from his lair in the Carpathians?”.

“No,” Dracul replied, “They were operatives from the CPL.”

“CPL?” Qonzilqointec queried.

“The Calgary Public Library,” Dracul answered, “They claimed I forgot to return a book. But it wasn’t true. The only book I ever borrowed from them was an Archie comic book graphic novel called Afterlife With Archie about Jughead Jones leading a zombie apocalypse attack on the community of Riverdale. But I returned it. I even have a receipt slip showing that I did. But Calgary Public Library operatives’ instructions are to shoot first and ask questions later.”

“I see,” Qonzilqointec sighed sadly.

“So you’re at Roswell eh?” Dracul asked.

“Yes,” Qonzilqointec nodded, “wondering what happened here 70 years ago?”.

“Maybe some poor snook ET gray forgot to return a book to the Calgary Public Library so CPL operatives fired a surface-to-air missile that hit his craft just above Roswell New Mexico,” Dracul speculated.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday July 7th 2017.

Qonziqointec In Mourning For Roswell Crash Victims
The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec in mourning for the victims of the Roswell crash.

Advertisements

Permalink 19 Comments

Justin Trudeau and Gali-Gula Discuss Bimbo Eruptions

April 6, 2017 at 6:22 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, News, Politics, Satire, Science-Fiction, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau gave a long exhale.

“I wonder what the fun is in smoking this if you don’t inhale,” Justin Trudeau was recalling a peculiar statement that then Presidential candidate Bill Clinton had made back in the 1992 U.S. Presidential election.

“Hello, Prime Minister,” an unclothed and completely nude ET gray greeted him.

“Good God, Gali-Gula,” Justin choked on his joint, “why is it that I only see you when I’m smoking marijuana?”.

“I have no idea, Prime Minister,” Gali-Gula shrugged, “how have you been doing?”.

“Well, these days some people claim that I’m prone to making bimbo eruptions,” Justin remarked angrily.

“What’s a bimbo eruption?” asked Gali-Gula.

“It’s making an outrageously stupid statement and one that comes out of nowhere,” Justin said.

“I don’t think I’m familiar with bimbo eruptions,” Gali-Gula went to the refrigerator and helped himself to a can of Molson Canadian beer which he had first tried on his dominatrix whipped rear end a year ago.

Justin noticed for the first time that the nude ET gray had no genitalia.

“Say,” Justin asked, “is it easier to pee without genitalia?”.

“That’s an awfully stupid question,” the ET gray answered as he opened up the can of Molson Canadian and was immediately sprayed with foam.

“Sorry, I apologize,” the volcanically active bimbo eruptive Prime Minister apologized.

“I didn’t know you were prone to bimbo eruptions,” Gali-Gula drank the beer.

“Neither was I. I thought it was only something that blonde females were prone to,” said the self-proclaimed feminist Mr. Trudeau.

There was a knock at the door which immediately opened.

Gali-Gula dropped the beer and vanished.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt you while you were having a one-man party, Prime Minister,” the aide noticed the spilled can of beer on the floor and the joint of pot in Trudeau’s hand, “but President Trump is on Line 1.”

Justin walked over to the phone and picked it up, “Hello, Mr. President?”.

Trump replied, “Hello Justin. Great talking to you. In lieu of what just happened in Syria, I wanted to ask you, what do you know about the after effects of using chemicals?”.

Justin Trudeau looked out the window with pot in hand and noticed a UFO spaceship flying away.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 5th
2017.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Pope Francis, Loki and Fenrir

March 13, 2017 at 3:28 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Science-Fiction, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Amadeus Emanon was flipping through the stations on his radio trying to see if he could pick up an all-reggae music station.

He came across an interview Pope Francis was giving members of the German news media, “Catholic fundamentalists are like Peter. They’re quite willing to deny Christ 3 times.”

He then came across the replay of an old BBC radio interview that the British essayist and commentator Malcolm Muggeridge had given over 40 years ago, “We must remember that it was the Apostle who was the most concerned about social justice that finally ended up betraying Christ in the end.”

Meanwhile the Norse trickster god Loki and his lupine son the Norse wolf Fenrir (who had both become unbound in the year 2010 in preparation for the Battle of Ragnarok 7 years hence) were walking through a New York City cryogenics lab.

“Here we are,” Loki opened a drawer marked “H for Hecate’s head”, “the cryogenically frozen head of the Greek goddess Hecate in her crone form. Now I want you to take this head, Fenrir, and eat it.”

“Can’t we stick it in the microwave first, Dad?” Fenrir communicated telepathically to his father, “I’ve always hated eating frozen TV dinners while they’re still frozen.”

“Oh, all right,” Loki sighed.

They went to the cryogenics lab cafeteria frightening all the patrons present (who promptly ran away) where Loki put the cryogenically frozen head of Hecate on high in the microwave for 2 minutes.

“I wonder if that will be long enough,” Loki scratched his trickster god chin.

The bell on the microwave rang and Loki took the head out.

“Ouch! Ouch! Hot! Hot!” Loki dropped the head to the floor and started blowing on his fingers.

Fenrir waited for the head to cool off for a while before eating it.

After eating it in one gulp, the wolf commented, “BURP!”.

“You always did have the most atrocious table manners,” Loki sighed.

“Good thing I was eating off the floor,” Fenrir belched again, “and funny, you never said that whenever I ate in Odin’s banquet hall.”

“That’s because Odin was such a sourpuss host,” Loki answered, “let’s go.”

Loki and Fenrir exited the cafeteria with Fenrir singing his own version of a 1960s Peter, Paul and Mary song as he went out the door, “Where have all the goddess heads gone? Long time passing. Where have all the goddess heads gone? Gone to wolf’s guts every one. When will they ever learn? When will they ever learn?”.

An hour later the Greek deities Artemis and Apollo arrived in the cryogenics lab with the Niburuan ET gray scientist Dr. Whenever Wherever.

“Good heavens,” the goddess of the hunt Artemis shouted when she opened the drawer, “Hecate’s head is gone.”

“I wonder if I’ll get my Olympian gold coin drachmas money back,” Apollo seethed.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday March 13th
2017.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Wilkie and The UFO Encounter: A Poem

July 15, 2016 at 8:22 pm (Humour, News, Poetry) (, , , , )

Wilkie and The UFO Encounter: A Poem

Wilkie The Cat was taking a rest
having won a dance contest where he was the best
He decided to take a walk down to the lake
And took along a piece of cake

The cool cat meowed and munched
then helped himself to a Crispy Crunch
It was getting dark
so sang the lark
but the owl wasn’t giving a hoot
while Wilkie sat and played his flute

The moon emerged and shone its light
Stars came out and shone so bright
Suddenly there was a whirling sound
and a bright light shone upon the ground

Wilkie looked up and there was a bright shaped disc
Wilkie’s tail gave his fur a frisk
This was indeed very strange
an ET was quite in range

Stairs descended
His fur upended
Wilkie looked up and saw alien grays
Was this, he thought, the End of Days?

The aliens said, Come with us, we want to poke and probe you
Then play the Pokemon app and drink Mountain Dew

Wilkie noticed the ET grays were completely nude
what in the universe? This is so crude
And also somewhat rude
Wilkie reflected
energy injected
And took off down the road
not waiting for the ET motherlode

For his mother had warned him to beware of aliens not wearing panties
For they’d take him to the cleaners
and eat all his candies
while NASA’s echelons mocked him while sipping their brandies

-A poem written by Christopher
Friday July 15th 2016.

Permalink 8 Comments

U. F. O. Crash In The High Arctic

December 12, 2014 at 8:23 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Mystery, Mystery/horror, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

U. F. O. Crash In The High Arctic

The Royal Canadian Navy icebreaker HMS Sir John Franklin was in the cold frigid waters of the Arctic Ocean 72 kilometres northeast of the Canadian Northwest Territories hamlet of Tuktoyaktuk.

An airplane was believed to have crashed in the immediate vicinity.

The DEW (Distant Early Warning) line radar station at Tuktoyaktuk first established in the late 1950s at the height of the original Cold War (and secretly reactivated on Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s orders as the Second Cold War- this one against Vladimir Putin’s Russia- was beginning) had picked up a speedy high- flying aerial craft on the radar just before it crashed into the Arctic seas.

Fearing that it was a Russian plane that had crashed, the Defence Department in Ottawa had immediately sent the icebreaker Franklin to the vicinity to retrieve the
plane before the Russian Navy mobilized to attempt a rescue of the wrecked craft.

Even though the craft had gone down in Canadian territorial waters, as someone in the Defence Department quipped, “Putin doesn’t let things such as borders, lines on a map and international law get in the way of getting something that he wants” so it was necessary to dispatch a ship right away before the Russians came breezing in to attempt their own rescue and salvage operation.

“We found it,” the ship’s sonar officer said to the captain of HMS Sir John Franklin.

“How far down is it?” Captain William Washburn asked.

“Let me just try to get an exact reading,” the sonar officer pushed a few buttons, “but it’s within a safe range for us to salvage and bring to the surface.”

“All right begin salvage operations,” Captain Washburn ordered the crew.

. . .

As the craft was hoisted aboard the ship, those present knew they were not looking at a plane.

They were looking at a round flying saucer disc shaped craft- what U.F.O. buffs would have called a U.F.O. had they seen it.

“Any signs of radiation?” Captain Washburn asked the ship’s radiation officer.

The ship’s radiation officer checking his Geiger counter replied, “Some but it’s at safe levels.”

“Let’s see if it can be opened,” Captain Washburn directed his crew.

Various attempts were made but nothing successful.

“Well we better get this back to land and see what can be done from there,” Captain Washburn ordered the ship to embark to the harbour at nearby Tuktoyaktuk.

“Do you mind if I try something?” A voice asked.

Captain Washburn looked in the direction of the voice.

It belonged to Israeli Naval Lt. Enoch Elijah Ben Eitan.

Lt. Ben Eitan was a guest observer from the Israeli Navy.

“Sure, go ahead,” Captain Washburn nodded.

Lt. Ben Eitan opened his briefcase which he always carried with him.

He reached into his briefcase and pulled out what looked to be a foot long key- a key made out of lapis lazuli.

The lapis lazuli key seemed to have ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs on it.

“We find this is able to open such craft when they occasionally crash in the Negev Desert,” explained Ben Eitan.

The statement was greeted with a stunned silence.

Lt. Ben Eitan walked around the craft while holding the lapis lazuli key in his hand.

He stopped when the key suddenly seemed to glow.

He held the key over this portion of the craft and this part of the craft opened like a door.

The Franklin captain and the Israeli lieutenant peered through the door and inside were the bodies of 6 dead ET grays and one dead humanoid looking figure with a Middle Eastern appearance.

“I think we better get to Tuktoyaktuk as soon as possible,” Captain Washburn ordered, “and radio the Defence Department in Ottawa right away as to what we’ve found.”

. . .

On the shore waiting for the ship were members of the Canadian Army, representatives of NORAD, officers from the RCMP and FBI and a special team of M.I.B. (Men In Black) dispatched from Washington D.C.

Also standing on the shore near Tuktoyaktuk was a mysterious figure- the same figure who had stood atop Mount Moriah when the lights and electricity and power had suddenly shut off over Jerusalem.

(For more on this, please read

https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2014/11/30/the-mysterious-figure-atop-mount-moriah/

)

As the craft was brought on to the shore, the mysterious figure suddenly vanished into the darkness of the Arctic night.

And a cold wind blew on to the shore.

And the lights from Aurora Borealis – the Northern Lights- that had been in the sky- they seemed to go out- like some dark switch had turned them off.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday December 8th
2014.

Permalink 1 Comment

Diablos Nocturna At The NATO Summit In Newport Wales

September 12, 2014 at 7:47 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Espionage, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Diablos Nocturna At The NATO Summit In Newport Wales

The NATO Summit in Newport Wales was winding down.

Most of the world leaders had left.

And MI-6 agent Diablos Nocturna who had overseen security operations at the summit was watching the shutting down of the summit.

He saw Monica Dhaliwal his liaison with CSIS (the Canadian Security Intelligence Service) approach looking very attractive and stylish in her white blouse, blue jacket, tight blue skirt, black silk pantyhose and striking cerulean blue spiked stiletto high- heeled shoes.

She was definitely the reason he had enjoyed working this summit so much.

She flashed a warm smile as she stood face-to-face with him.

“So,” she flicked her hair back as she spoke, “how ever did you come up with the code name Diablos Nocturna – Devil of the Night?”.

“From medieval legends of the incubus,” Diablos Nocturna replied.

“The male demon who slept with beautiful women in the night?” Monica Dhaliwal smiled again.

“The same,” Diablos Nocturna nodded.

“Say who was that woman who looked like the singer Rihanna and was dressed in a Dior red evening gown and hob nobbed with all the world leaders at all the summit dinners?” Monica Dhaliwal asked.

“That’s the Paris-based billionairess and Egyptian Vampiress Isis,” Diablos Nocturna replied.

“Vampiress?” The female CSIS agent was shocked.

“Yes her brother, brother-in-law and arch-enemy the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set lives in London,” the MI-6 operative answered.

“So you mean there really are such things as vampires and vampiresses?” Monica Dhaliwal adjusted her skirt.

“There are indeed,” the MI-6 agent replied.

“In my university days,” Monica Dhaliwal began stroking her hair, “I’d heard talk of a legendary Canadian vampire hunter by the name of Dracul Van Helsing. Does he actually exist?”.

“He does,” Diablos Nocturna nodded, “I’ve heard of him.”

“This London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set,” the CSIS operative inquired, “does he have anything to do with Set Enterprises the British research and development firm that’s said to be engaged in secret and very controversial genetics experiments?”.

“Yes, he owns it,” Diablos Nocturna took note of a news channel helicopter in the distance, “you might also have heard of his controversial corporate Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering the notorious Renfield R. Renfield. He has quite the reputation in international espionage circles.”

“Renfield R. Renfield works for Set?” The CSIS agent had indeed heard of the ruthless and totally psychotic individual that Western intelligence agencies turned to as a last resort when it came to dealing with the vilest scum of the Earth.

There were rumours that The Blacklist TV series’ character of Raymond Red Reddington was actually modeled on Renfield R. Renfield.

“Yes he works for Set,” Diablos Nocturna answered.

The MI-6 agent invited the CSIS agent for a drink in a nearby Welsh pub.

As they approached the pub entrance from the street, Welsh werewolf (although most people didn’t know that he was a werewolf) British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley came rushing out of the pub.

“They don’t have any buttermilk in this pub,” Magog Rhys Petley gasped, “in fact, they don’t seem to have buttermilk anywhere in town.”

He went running down the street shouting, “Buttermilk. I need buttermilk.”

“Quite the eccentric character,” Monica Dhaliwal looked down the street after him.

“That was Magog Rhys Petley a Welsh Member of Parliament at Westminster,” Diablos Nocturna stated, “Obviously a man who enjoys his buttermilk.”

They entered the pub.

. . .

“So what was this Vampiress Isis doing talking to all those world leaders?” Monica Dhaliwal asked Diablos Nocturna after they sat down.

“She’s hoping to use NATO to destroy Vladimir Putin’s Russia,” Diablos Nocturna replied.

“I see,” Monica Dhaliwal looked puzzled, “and why does she want to do that?”.

“Because it was a Russian nuclear submarine that used a laser death ray to disintegrate the spaceship that was returning her brother, husband and lover Osiris to Earth from the star system of Sirius back on December 21st 2012 and she’s vowed vengeance ever since,” the MI-6 operative replied.

“I see,” the CSIS operative felt she was in a dream.

“All part of a long-standing family feud that originated in Egypt millenia ago,” Diablos Nocturna explained, “when their brother Set cut up Osiris into 14 pieces and scattered the body parts throughout Egypt. Isis who was married to Osiris managed to find all the parts save one and put them back together again and using Egyptian magic managed to resurrect Osiris. But then Set managed to cast a Black Magic spell on Osiris transporting him and exiling him to a planet in the star system of Sirius. So Horus the son of Isis and Osiris who was also Set’s nephew buried Set alive in a tomb. Set’s tomb was then discovered and opened on November 11th 1918 at ironically enough exactly 1100 hours Greenwich time when the Armistice ending the First World War came into effect. Set fled the tomb after his sarcophagus lid was taken off and he’s been wreaking his havoc on the world ever since.”

“I see,” Monica Dhaliwal sipped her Chai tea (which she was surprised to see offered in a Welsh pub), “and how was it that Osiris returned to Earth on December 21st 2012?”.

“It was because of the Black Magic spell that Set cast on Osiris,” Diablos Nocturna explained, “for ancient Egyptian witchcraft Black Magic spells like most modern food and dairy products had an expiration date on it. And the expiration date for the spell exiling Osiris to the star system of Sirius ended December 21st 2012 on our calendar. It was an expiration date of which the Mayans, the Aztecs and the Hopi Indians were aware. Their prophecies about this event gave the History Channel a lot to talk about on its programs throughout most of the first 12 years of the 21st Century. For all intensive public purposes since nothing appeared to happen on December 21st 2012, they’ve scrambled to try to find a replacement and think that endless reruns of American Pickers will somehow capture the imagination of the television viewing public. If, like Isis, subscribers to the History Channel knew what really happened on December 21st 2012, they too would be calling for Vladimir Putin’s head on a silver platter.”

“So for Isis, all hopes of Osiris’ return have vanished into thin air like disintegrated particles from the after effects of a laser death ray?” Monica Dhaliwal asked.

“Yes, having one’s anatomical body parts reduced to the sub-atomic level is certainly more of a challenge to put back together again than just being cut up into 14 pieces,” Diablos Nocturna admitted, “but it so happened that leading Swiss scientist Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius happened to be in the area of Vancouver’s English Bay at the time and happened to use a mirror and the sounds of the sea from a large sea shell he was holding to collect the disintegrated particles from the laser death ray explosion and put them into a working model of the CERN Large Hadron Collider he had in his rowboat with him at the time.”

“So the particles of Osiris’ sub-atomic structure were gathered into Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius’ working model of the CERN Large Hadron Collider?” Monica Dhaliwal asked.

“Along with the sub-atomic particles of the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl who was arriving in a space ship from Saturn’s moon Titan in the same vicinity at the same time and was likewise disintegrated from the laser death ray fired by the Russian nuclear submarine that was illegally trespassing in Canadian coastal waters at the time,” Diablos Nocturna answered.

“Wow, I never heard about that in my History of War and Conflict Class at UBC,” said Monica Dhaliwal who was a recent graduate of the University of British Columbia prior to her recruitment by CSIS.

“Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper covered up the whole incident to prevent a possible war with Russia,” Diablos Nocturna explained, “and Harper’s NATO ally U.S. President Barack Obama is still working on a strategy to respond to the whole incident. He may come up with such a working strategy at the same time he finally comes up with a strategy against ISIS- that is the Islamist terrorist caliphate not the Paris-based billionairess Egyptian Vampiress.”

“So whatever became of the particles that were placed inside Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius’ model of the CERN Large Hadron Collider?” the CSIS agent asked.

“They’re now in the Vampiress Isis’ secret subterranean laboratory below Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris,” Diablos Nocturna replied, “although it’s not as secret as she thinks it is since MI-6 knows all about it. There Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius and a number of other of the world’s leading scientists are working to put the particles of Osiris back together again.”

“Why is the Vampiress Isis’ laboratory located beneath Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris?” Monica Dhaliwal inquired.

“It’s my understanding that Isis is a big fan of the late great British actor Charles Laughton,” the MI-6 agent answered, “and particularly enjoyed his 1939 film The Hunchback of Notre Dame.”

“So are they having any success putting the particles of Osiris back together again?” The CSIS agent looked at the pattern in her cup of chai tea.

“Well according to a theoretical research paper written by a professor of particle physics at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology,” Diablos Nocturna put a little pepper on his dish of Welsh rarebit, “an ET gray’s laser death ray gun fired in reverse into the surrounding atmosphere might be able to put the particles back together again.”

“So all Isis has to do then is to get her hands on an ET gray’s laser death ray gun,” Monica Dhaliwal picked up her fork to sample her own dish of Welsh rarebit.

“That’s right,” Diablos Nocturna nodded, “and there may be a bit of a problem getting that.”

On the radio in the Welsh pub was playing the latest release from the American music group Nero Wilson and The Cleveland Cleavers with their lead vocalist Sekhmet singing the lyrics that were also the title of the song, “Mr. ET Gray, I’m So Sorry I Lost Your Laser Death Ray Gun.”

In the distance outside the pub could be heard the melancholy haunting sound of what sounded like a werewolf howling.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday September 6th
2014

Permalink 5 Comments

Renfield Dines Thrice In Paris

June 5, 2014 at 7:18 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield Dines Thrice In Paris

Renfield met with the Egyptian Vampiress Isis in her Parisienne apartment where he gave her Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s 3-D printed copy of the ET gray’s laser death ray gun.

Although of course Isis thought it was the original first edition ET gray’s laser death ray gun.

Isis and Renfield enjoyed a lunch of watercress and French mermaid sandwiches together.

Then they had an afternoon of tantric sex.

Then Renfield left.

Renfield decided to shapeshift into a hamster and crash French President Francois Hollande’s dinner party for U.S. President Barack Obama at the Chiberta Restaurant by the Arc de Triomphe.

French President Hollande was being forced to eat two meals in one evening.

First dinner with President Obama at the Chiberta.

And then what was being called a “late supper” with Russian President Vladimir Putin at the Élysée Palace.

The French President had ordered that a box load of laxatives be available at his bed side just before bedtime this evening.

And also a lovely blonde French maid looking nurse holding an enema in case even that didn’t work.

“I’m not going to be ordering any cheese this evening,” the French President told a shocked head waiter at the Chiberta Restaurant.

“Oh please, won’t you order some cheese for me?” Renfield begged from under the table.

“Mon Dieu, a talking mouse!” Hollande exclaimed as he looked under the table.

Hollande was the sort of politician who wouldn’t know his mouse from a hamster on the ground.

So he ordered a plate of cheese (much to the relief of the head waiter) and gave it to Renfield under the table.

Later Renfield enjoyed a plate of chocolate eclairs for dessert while hiding under the table at the Élysée Palace banquet room as Hollande dined with President Putin.

“Knowledge is power,” Renfield laughed after an evening of eavesdropping.

“And overeating is agony,” Renfield remarked as he pleaded for relief as he sat much later on his Bonaparte style French Imperial throne in the bathroom of his Paris hotel room.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday June 5th
2014.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Renfield’s Copy of The Laser Death Ray Gun

June 4, 2014 at 2:32 pm (Entertainment, Espionage, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield’s Copy of The Laser Death Ray Gun

Upon his return to the UK, Renfield took the ET gray’s laser death ray gun to Dr. Cadbury Rocher at the Set Enterprises’ Laboratory in London.

Set Enterprises’ chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher had built the world’s most advanced 3-D copier and printer.

Renfield would have the ET gray’s laser death ray gun copied and then give the original to his boss the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

The copy he would give to his Boss’ rival the Paris-based Egyptian Vampiress Isis as payment for having received a fresh Seine River French mermaid sandwich and tantric sex from her to say nothing of several million euros being deposited from her in Renfield’s numbered Swiss bank account.

As Dr. Rocher copied and printed up the ET gray’s laser death ray gun, Renfield went into the lab to see what his friend Amadeus was doing.

Amadeus was busy playing with Michelangelo the world’s first genetically created psychic lobster.

Michelangelo had the ability to enter people’s dreams and reveal what they were dreaming by having his lobster antennae hooked up to a computer and then transmitting the visual data of the dream to the computer screen.

Michelangelo also had the ability to occasionally pick up radio transmissions from the future on his lobster antennae.

By hooking up his antennae to the computer, the radio transmission from the future would then be played on the computer’s loud speakers.

Both Amadeus and Renfield enjoyed listening to radio news stories from the future.

“I think a transmission from the future is coming in now,” Amadeus called out to Renfield.

The radio news announcer’s voice could be heard on the computer’s loud speakers as Michelangelo’s lobster antennae picked up the transmission,

“… News of the couple’s separation comes only days after Kanye West found Kim Kardashian in bed with Justin Bieber…”

“… Meanwhile funeral arrangements for Mr. Bieber…”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday June 3rd
2014.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Nero Wilson On The Arsenio Hall Show

May 30, 2014 at 6:18 pm (Entertainment, Music, News, Television, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Nero Wilson On The Arsenio Hall Show

Nero Wilson was getting a haircut in a Los Angeles barber shop so he’d look more like his hero the Roman Emperor Nero when he performed with his band Nero Wilson and The Cleveland Cleavers on The Arsenio Hall Show tonight.

Nero Wilson’s cousin Charlie Wilson (whose band stage name was Bud Lou) the band’s electrical guitarist was standing in line in a Los Angeles gun store hoping to buy himself a gun.

The reason why Charlie Wilson was buying himself a gun was because Sekhmet the band’s female singer was going to wear an authentic ET gray’s laser death ray gun inside her belt for the band’s appearance on The Arsenio Hall Show tonight.

So Charlie Wilson thought he’d wear a good old authentic American handgun inside his belt for their appearance.

The trouble was as Charlie Wilson was standing in line inside the gun store, he was complaining to everyone in line that here he was a rock ‘n roll musician and he was still a virgin.

As soon as the gun store owner heard that, he immediately denied Charlie Wilson permission to buy a gun when the electrical guitarist came up to the till because being a virgin, the man was obviously mentally ill.

The gun store owner didn’t want to be held responsible for another Elliot Rodger style incident like the recent Isla Vista killings at Santa Barbara.

Not that the gun store owner was concerned about loss of life (if he was concerned about loss of life, he wouldn’t be in this business). He was more worried about potential lawsuits from potential victims’ families for selling a gun to a mentally ill person… like a virgin (to quote a Madonna song title).

So Charlie Wilson left the store a dejected man.

He wasn’t able to get laid.

And he wasn’t able to get a gun.

Later Charlie Wilson’s younger brother Dave Wilson (whose band stage name was Abbott Costello) the band’s drummer arrived in the same gun store later to buy himself a gun.

If Sekhmet was going to wear an authentic ET gray’s laser death ray gun in her belt during the performance on The Arsenio Hall Show, then he was going to wear an authentic American hand gun tied to a pony tail on his long heavy metal headbanger style hair.

As Dave Wilson stood in line inside the gun store, he boasted to everyone in line about his numerous sexual conquests as a drummer in a rock and roll band.

The gun store owner took note of Dave.

Nothing mentally ill about that guy he thought to himself.

In fact the man seemed to represent the personification of the apotheosis of the American (wet) Dream.

When Dave reached the till, the gun store owner sold him enough guns and ammunition to have lasted an entire division of the U.S. Army a whole year at the height of the Afghan War.

. . .

Renfield R. Renfield sat at the back of the theatre during this night’s filming of The Arsenio Hall Show.

As soon as the show’s host Arsenio Hall introduced Nero Wilson and The Cleveland Cleavers and the band started playing, then Renfield R. Renfield the world’s first and only genetically created shapeshifting hamster/human would shapeshift into a hamster and run up on stage and crawl up Sekhmet’s lovely black silk nylon clad leg and then remove the authentic ET gray’s laser death ray gun from her belt and then run off stage heading straight for the exit door.

Arsenio Hall spoke, “And now ladies and gentlemen… here they are… the band who’s currently playing at The Tropicana Nightclub in downtown Los Angeles… Nero Wilson and The Cleveland Cleavers…”

The audience started applauding as the band burst into a rendition of their hit song I’ll Give You The Moon If You Give Me The Finger In This Traffic Jam.

Nero Wilson was wearing a Roman toga around his body, leather sandals on his feet and a laurel wreath in his hair as he played the electric violin.

Charlie Wilson was wearing a t- shirt with Mr. Bean’s picture on it and some purple and gold plaid pants and some yellow sneakers as he played the electric guitar.

Sekhmet was wearing a fringe skirted lion’s skin mini dress, black silk pantyhose and gold spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes as she sang, “You better watch out ’cause I’m lifting my skirt. I’ll give you the moon if you give me the finger in this traffic jam…”

Around her waist she wore a belt with Egyptian hieroglyphs on it.

And of course inside her belt was tucked the authentic ET gray’s laser death ray gun.

Dave Wilson the drummer was wearing a black shirt, black pants and black shoes as he played the drums.

His long hair was tied in a pony tail.

Attached to the pony tail was a 44 Magnum.

Suddenly women in the audience started jumping up and down and screaming “Mouse! Mouse! There’s a mouse in the house!”.

A nerdy looking bookish type guy with glasses ( who had also been denied a gun permit that afternoon) said, “Actually, I think it’s a hamster.”

The hamster started crawling up one of Sekhmet’s sexy and shapely black silk nylon clad legs.

“Oh God, that feels good,” Sekhmet moaned.

Nero Wilson stopped playing the electric violin and turned to her saying, “I don’t recall those lyrics being in the song.”

“Yes, yes, yes,” Sekhmet shrieked ecstatically as she leaned backwards on to the floor and lifted her already short short skirt.

“Good Lord, she’s outgaga-ing Lady Gaga,” Arsenio Hall spewed Gatorade out of his mouth and all over one of the cameras as he spoke.

The hamster grabbed the ET gray’s laser death ray gun out of her Egyptian hieroglyph belt and then ran straight through her legs.

The gun went off.

But fortunately it was just on the Shock mode and not the Kill mode.

“The mother ship of all orgasms,” Sekhmet shouted in delight about the out-of-this-world experience she just had.

The hamster flashed the happiest hamster face of all time at the camera and then ran out of the theatre.

At that point, Charlie Wilson’s smart phone went off.

It was a text message coming in from the bully of his old high school graduating class back home in Cleveland, “What a loser you are, Charlie. There you are out on the West Coast in California and even a hamster is able to score before you do.”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday May 30th
2014.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Renfield Recalls Conversation With Sekhmet

May 28, 2014 at 4:20 pm (Entertainment, Music, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield Recalls Conversation With Sekhmet

As Renfield swam in the hotel swimming pool, he recalled the conversation he had last Saturday night with Sekhmet the lead female singer for the band Nero Wilson and The Cleveland Cleavers after their on-stage performance at The Tropicana Nightclub.

During the performance he had looked around for any sign of the ET gray but couldn’t spot any.

After the show he went backstage and ended up talking to Sekhmet.

Renfield was still dressed in blackface having performed an impromptu Al Jolson minstrel show performance in a Chinese restaurant earlier that evening much to the horror of embattled Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling.

So Sekhmet naturally mistook him for an Afro-American and Renfield played along speaking in an American Deep South southern accent.

Renfield told her that his name was Merlin Houdini Johnson and that he was the shortest player on the entire Los Angeles Clippers basketball team.

Renfield said how much he enjoyed their performance and particularly her outfit.

Sekhmet said that she’d be wearing the same outfit when they performed on The Arsenio Hall Show a few days hence.

Renfield said that he really loved her fringe skirted lion mini dress and her belt with Egyptian hieroglyphs on it.

What would really give the finishing touches to her outfit, Renfield suggested, would be if she could get her hands on a genuine ET gray’s laser death ray gun and put it inside her belt while she sang.

The resulting fashion ensemble would be an out-of-this-world experience and would make the Nero Wilson and The Cleveland Cleavers performance on The Arsenio Hall Show the most talked about performance in television history ever since The Beatles first performed on The Ed Sullivan Show back in February 1964.

Sekhmet blew an eyelash when Renfield spoke these words.

As a matter of fact, Sekhmet said, as she adjusted her dress and her belt, she did know how to get her hands on a genuine ET gray’s laser death ray gun.

Splendid, splendid, Renfield temporarily reverted back to his British accent, then he’d look forward to seeing her on The Arsenio Hall Show.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday May 28th
2014.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Next page »